Friday, May 30, 2008
Update your penis. (What? To penis 2.0?)
Greetings, I have learned an interesting thing. (That Microsoft will upgrade your penis?)
Regain your attractiveness as a man. (I was a man?)
You look really stupid baileystewart. (As a man, yes I do.)
Don’t warry. (Warry? Is that more than wary? I would be warry of me as a man.)
How do these guys do it? (They’re born with it?)
These pills really make you huge. (No thanks, I have chocolate for that.)
Your neighbors lost their alarm clock. (You have got to be kidding! Don’t look at me, where would I put them?)
Ladies and Gentlemen’s please welcome her majesty Pharmacy. (In her jewel encrusted shower cap, carrying her gold toilet plunger scepter.)
Oh, and here's a picture of Bubba to hold you over.
UPDATE: INTERNET SUDDENLY CAME ON LAST NIGHT WITHOUT ANY EFFORT FROM ME, SO THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE PROVIDER
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' he asked. 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
Monday, May 26, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees: There’s no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.
Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties.
1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they’re less likely to be flirtatious, they need to work or they wouldn’t be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard to deal with the public efficiently.
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3. General experience indicates that “husky” girls – those who are just a little on the heavy side – are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination – one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weakness which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
5. Stress at the outset the importance of time the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can’t shrug off harsh words they way men do. Never ridicule a woman – it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
11. Get enough size variety in operator’s uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can’t be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
I know, it’s not spam, but my cousin sent me this and I just loved it and didn’t want to wait until Monday to post it. Hope everyone has a great weekend.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the Heck is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'.'
Monday, May 19, 2008
The only thing I have to add about the apartment is the chimes that I bought at Scarborough Faire. I tried to take a picture of them the day that I shot the patio, but they didn’t show up at all against the cloudy sky, so I had to wait until a sunny day. Even then, they still don’t show up well unless you click and enlarge the picture. The colors aren’t right – I don’t know why the camera isn’t displaying them right. They are leaves and they are a rusty color and a light green. Very pretty and the sound they make is beautiful.
I had a bit of disconcerting news this weekend. My Aunt Alice was in the hospital. It seems she’ll be okay, but it still scared me. Mom was the first on her side to pass away, and the first death since her mother died in 1980. We’ve been very lucky there. In my lifetime we’ve lost my grandparents and an aunt-in-law, uncle-in-law, and then mom. That’s it. On dad’s side there’s the grandparents, dad, two of his brothers, three of his sisters, and six in-laws. Plus two cousins. So you see how unnerved I became to have first my mother’s brother in the hospital a couple of weeks ago, my aunt, and then to find out today that the oldest was in the hospital too. Confused yet? Anyway, they’re all getting up there and it’s only a matter of time before mom’s side begins to drop, for loss of another way to phrase it. It was the elders that have kept the family together, and as they die, or move away, it’s like we’re all “breaking” up. We no longer have family get-togethers like we did when I was growing up. We probably never will. Dad had 2 brothers and 1 sister living here when he died. Now one of the brothers has moved back to Iowa to live with his daughter, and his sister is moving to Alaska to live with her daughter. That just leaves my Uncle Kenny, and he doesn’t live in town – I haven’t seen him since 2006. In fact, I’ve hardly seen any of my extended family since mother died. And except for my Aunt Alice and one cousin, mother’s family doesn’t live here. I guess I’m just feeling a bit nostalgic this weekend. You see, I woke up Sunday morning with the realization that it was Howard’s birthday. It wasn’t anything I thought about, I just knew when I woke up without thinking about the date. Happy Birthday Howard. He would have been 56. Bebo and I talked about him for a little bit today. The date hadn’t gotten past her either. I saw my niece in March, which was the first time I’d seen her since 2006. And my nephews? Haven’t seen them since mom died either. It doesn’t bother me unless a holiday is coming up. And next weekend is Memorial Day. We got together every Memorial Day to celebrate both Howard’s and my dad’s birthdays (May 31). And now it’s just another day. They’re all pretty much just another day.
Egads, I’m so morose. Excuse me. Let’s end this with something funny, okay?
Friday, May 16, 2008
Video with a naked celebrity Gallery for baileystewart. (Oooh, Hugh, George, Orlando, Johnny, Matthew, …)
World of clocks. (Let me guess, they have a little dirt on them?)
Good afternoon, I have a good software. (Damn! I was looking for bad software!)
hello from denise (Um, Dennie, have you forgotten your capitals?)
Holy moly, that’s huge. (I know, for a writer that’s a big one.)
your payment didn’t succeed, so your ads have been suspended. (You mean those “Hugh Look at Me!” billboards? Sheesh!)
I went to the panty shop! (You’re much too excited about that.)
Some men won’t learn. (Well, you can’t teach an old dog …)
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
This is the view of the kitchen from the living room.
Here's one side of my kitchen
Here's the other. Like we said, it's small. That's the washer and dryer area in the back.
And here is the bathroom in all of it's glory. Well, most of it's glory. I didn't think you wanted a picture of the toilet itself. LOL
This is also in the kitchen, above the archway to the laundry area. This is the plaque that I talked about earlier, the one that we found in my mother's closet tucked in the back of the shelves. It was my mother's last gift to me.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
The picture above the fireplace is a family tree that my cousin drew in charcoal, with the frame made by my uncle. Actually, the cousin and uncle are on my dad's side, but the tree is my mother's side. That's Irish stuff on the mantle. I don't have ceiling fans, so I have to have standing fans, kinda spoils the decor. LOL
This is a close-up of the little table in the corner. It's my little bit of nostalgia.
My entertainment center. I have one more picture to frame and get hung, then it's finished.
My big ol' chair (with Aidan in it) and my new couch. The door at the end goes out to the patio.
That's it so far. I'll get the kitchen and the bedroom for Wednesday. Does this satisfy you for a bit? Oh, if you click on the picture, you get a close-up view.
Friday, May 09, 2008
What are you up to? (Oh, about 5'3")
Nobody has ever presented you with such a New Year's gift. (New Year's already? Where did the year go?)
Video with a naked celebrity Gallery for baileystewart. (There's only one celebrity I would like to see naked. But that will never happen)
Improbably things happen too. (Thank you Mr. Jiminy Cricket)
You won't believe! It's incredible! (From spam? Nothing would surprise me.)
You should be satisfied with your penis. (Yeah, well, I was hoping that the rest of him would be here too.)
That's a Teenie Weenie! (Then obviously it isn't his ...)
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Thursday, May 01, 2008
I bet you’ve never seen anything like this! (You’d be surprised)
Land of strong mans. (You’re right, I’ve never seen that. Do they book weekend rooms?)
We caught you naked baileystewart. (Lucky you.)
There’s a Party in My Pants! (And you’re worried about me being naked?)
Here comes the smears. (Oh don’t worry. Everything I say is true.)
Attract the mate of your dreams. (Does he come from the Land of strong mans?)
Up to you. I know. (It’s always up to me. Where have you been?)
Don’t you agree to be sick! (I’m not the one that caught me naked.)