Friday, February 27, 2009

Spam Mail

Dear Spam,

I don’t know what I did to make you turn away from me, but whatever it was …. I’m sorry. …..

What’s she doing?

Writing a letter to spam.

Why?

It up and left her. Now they are going to Bebo’s inbox.

Really? That hussy.


Remember those wonderful days full of dicks that could chop firewood? The halcyon days of where it was as tall as the Eiffel Tower? Or as long as the distance between New York and Los Angeles?

What’s halcyon?

I think it’s one of those psychedelic words.

She on drugs?

Obviously. She’s writing to spam, isn’t she?


Was it the alarm clocks? Did I take too many? What if I gave you a map to where they are all buried?

No Bailey!! Don’t confess!!!

Sgt. Preston is gonna come and get you ….

Or those men in the white coats.

Waiters?


I wish you would tell me what I did. Bebo can’t give you what I can, she won’t make you famous, er, infamous, or whatever. She’ll never appreciate you the way I do.

This is embarrassing. She’s begging spam.

Not as embarrassing as talking to something that isn’t real.

Ernie? We’re not real.

We’re not?

For the hundredth time moron, no. We’re figments of her imagination.

You mean, like spam?

Not exactly. You see, spam is real.

Spam is real and we’re not?

I know, it’s scary isn’t it?


I don’t know if this will reach you or not, but I wanted to give it a try. I need you spam, I need your misspelled words, your bad grammar, your completely insane logic. I even need your out of proportion body parts. Leave Bebo and come back to me.

Shane!!!

Spam has a name?

No, that’s a movie quote.

Bailey is talking to spam and you’re quoting movies?

Like it’s really going to make any difference, considering that she’s writing a letter to someone in Taiwan?

You have a point.


Please come back to me.

Sincerely,
Bailey Stewart

And Bud.

What?

I miss spam too.

Oh, what the heck. And Ernie too.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Stress Coping Mechanism

Thank you Siobhan!!!

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day

BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice wholemeal toast
1 cup skimmed milk

LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the biscuits from the packet
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 chocolate bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Finally, here's some advice for you:
Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started....... So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits , the mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates..

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel

Monday, February 23, 2009

He Sings!! He Dances!!!!







Oh, and there were some awards too. LOL

Yeah, the Oscars were mostly what I thought they would be. Not a lot of surprises. I'm really glad that Heath won for Best Supporting. Bebo and I watched the Batman movie in utter amazement at his performance - we really saw no trace of Heath Ledger, just The Joker - and that's how a performance should be. In the first Batman movie it wasn't that way. While Jack Nicholson gave a great performance, you could still see Jack Nicholson - in his voice, his mannerisms, etc. A little over the top Jack Nicholson, but still .... But Heath's performance - there wasn't, I don't know, you couldn't see Heath. I know I'm probably not explaining this well, so you'll have to take my word when I say that I sincerely believe that he deserved this award for the performance that he gave and for no other reason.

I had forgotten that Sean Penn had won the SAG awards or I wouldn't have been surprised at this win - I thought it would be Mickey Rourke - that he was the shoe-in. Kate Winslet was no surprise for the best actress - that left the best supporting award for the "unknown", since Kate won it at both the Golden Globes and the SAG awards. I've always liked her - liked that she was a "real" woman, not anorexic looking, but what a woman really looks like - at least a healthy woman. Not that there isn't a lot of healthy anorexic looking woman in real life - it's just nice to see someone on screen who has meat on her bones and plays the leading lady.

Anyway, I thought that Hugh did a great job - he sang, he danced - he pretty much did what he did at the Tony's - he entertained.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Spam on toast

Your hook will be the best hook of all hooks in the world. (There's no business like show business)

What's new, you ask? (I didn't ask, you must be hearing spamvoices)

Ready for something big? (From you? Don't make me laugh)

Durgs caan heelp peoplSeuper (can they help them spell?)

Good guys always finish last (yeah, that's what makes them good ... *sigh*)

What was he thinking? (for a good time, call Thumper?)

We like when you say we're good. (Now there you go, hearing those spamvoices again. There's medication for that)

Need some pills (I'll say)

Meawnhile, shee waas (yeah, she was what? Seeing double?)

Autehntic drugs from licnesed online pharmacy. (Give me those unauthentic ones, please? And a dictionary too.)

Waant to imrpove yoour seex lifee? (No, I'm more concerned with improving yours ... NOT!)


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

So, we're back to Wednesday again ....

We’re on a rollercoaster ride again. Today the temperature didn’t get above 55, and tomorrow it will be around 75, then we’re back down again. Weirdness ….

I really don’t have anything to blog about today. It’s the middle of the week, a rather routine week, and things are going on as usual.

Oh, those of you that asked to read my entry, um, could you maybe give me some feedback? Thanks Jeanne and Dru! And Cheryl, could you email me at baileystewart at baileystewart dot net and I will send it to you.

I don’t know where this story is going, honestly. I am a panster by trade (for those of you who don’t know the technology, it means someone “flies by the seat of their pants” and don’t do outlines or really plot), but I generally do know where the story is going. Just not this time; this scene came out of no where – so I’ve got to get a handle on the characters, what’s going on, what’s going to happen, etc. Especially since this is the opening scene!! And no, it’s not a dream – although I did consider that, but pictures of Bobby Ewing coming out of the shower flashed through my head. If you don’t get the cultural reference, well, you’re just too young. LOL

Lately though, this is how I've been feeling while writing ... I'm so tired. LOL

funny pictures of cats with captions
more animals


And I do have the first kissing scene out of the way, so I can breathe easier.

funny pictures
more animals

So we'll see what happens next, okay? LOL

Monday, February 16, 2009

I Won, I Won - or They Really Like Me!!!!

Well, I didn’t really win, but I came in second in the “First Kiss” contest at the Yellow Rose Valentine meeting. But for me, it was winning, because I wrote!! Yes folks, I stayed up until almost 3:00 Friday night/Saturday morning and wrote around 1,300 words!! That was the most I’ve written in almost 2 years and I’ll tell you right now, it felt good. And it’s a new story, not a re-working of old stuff that wasn’t really working for me. I got the reaction that I wanted – they laughed when they were supposed to, so everything was fantastic.

Sooo, how was your weekend? Both of you, or are there three of you out there now? By the way, at the bottom of the page you’ll find something about followers. This is some blogger application where you can sign up as a “follower” of my blog. Not that I’m some cult leader or anything. LOL Anyway, it would be nice to know who is reading this stuff – ‘cuz from what I understand, there are a few lurkers out there.

Anyway, my second place entry is too long to put here, so if you’re interested in reading it, let me know and I’ll send it to you. As long as I know who “you” are. Not really kidding there …..

Friday, February 13, 2009

Happy Valentine's Day


Throughout your life you will find many “loves”. It starts in childhood, with the love that you feel for your parents. Did you know that a lot of studies show that a little girl’s first love is her father? I can see that, in a healthy, non-dysfunctional family. The study says that this sets the girl up to compare all of the men in her life to her first love, her father. Since I didn’t “bond” with my dad at that tender age (he was always working), my “first love” would have been my brother David. Yeah, I can see that – I guess I’ve always looked for someone like him – a loving mate who treats his wife as an equal, a family man, someone who contributes to the household more than just monetarily – but with household chores, cooking, child-care. So I guess I agree with the study, except I would substitute whoever is the “male” figure in the girl’s life – be it a father, grandfather, brother, uncle ….



As we grow older, we extend this love to the ones around us, a favorite kindergarten teacher, Sunday school teacher, a neighbor, playmate. These first “crushes” are always sweet – and can even involve a member of the same sex. I think my first crush of this sort was my kindergarten teacher – a wonderful lady that I worked hard to impress. Every time I got to sit on her lap while reading, was heaven for me.

Ahh, but then there’s the first time we really notice the opposite sex. While there are exceptions, usually it’s the girl that first starts to notice boys beyond the “ooooh cooties” stage. Mine was Chet – yeah, that was his name. It didn’t last long, but I do remember it fondly. This was in the first grade.

Teen love; the angst and the ecstasy. Hormonal overdrive. I don’t think I need to go further except to say that his name was Benny. Insert your own memories here.

We’re all familiar with the rest of this progression, so I’ll shift to the other “loves” that can happen in our lives. My cats have always been my loves – from Checkers, a tuxedo cat of my childhood, to my present unruly three. Pets can bring so much unconditional love into our lives, and the love that we feel for them is just as real and deep as the love for another.


While I’ve never really known the maternal love for a child, I have known that love from the aspect of an aunt. And that love can bring just as much fulfillment as heartache. You watch them grow up, make their own mistakes, and then stand back and hope that they get life figured out.

And let us not forget the love of a friend; someone that can hold a place in your heart just as snug and tight as the love for family. Sometimes, these can be the most important “loves” in a person’s life.

I guess the point of all of this is a hope that you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day, no matter who your valentine may be. Remember that you don’t have to have a mate or significant other in your life to celebrate this day. You just have to have love ….


funny pictures
moar funny pictures

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Monday, February 09, 2009

To Age Gracefully

I received this in an email and absolutely loved it. I know that as I get older I have started to worry about "what will be", so this struck a chord deep within. It's worth reading, worth thinking about seriously. After all, we are all, each and every one of us, growing older.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.


They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful.
But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken! How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

Anonymous

Friday, February 06, 2009

The "I Think Spring Has Arrived" Spam

Thank you Bebo and JJ for the following spam. Yeah, I now have spam being forwarded to me. Sheesh.

"There wobble is town only one thing which reading grieves me," observ "No, no, no," ring replied the wood eye protest daughter of the paralytic. (I always had a problem with Chaucer)

Better nights for less money... (Um, I get lousy nights for free. You mean if I pay less than nothing, I’d have better nights?)

Forget about your sexual lsoes (Forget about them? I’m not even sure what they are??)

Thnik muuch of yoruself, beacuse you wroth iStuper Vaigra (There you go! Isn’t Milton so much better?)

You will make her wet easier (Only happens if she’s not wearing her Depends)

Sooft Cailis. No problmes at all in yoour sxeual lifee (Lifee? Does this have anything to do with Isoes?)

Your female needs more? It's easy! (I got a female? Why isn’t she cleaning this house?)

You’ll surprise her with your Hulk (Lou Ferrigno, Eric Bana or Edward Norton?)

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

It's in his kiss

Get out your ‘kinis and leg wax, it’s gonna be in the 80s this weekend. Yip-freakin’-pee! If you can’t tell, I’m not a happy camper. It gets to the 80s and I start thinking about the air conditioning. I’m not ready to turn it on. I need those temps that are no lower than 50 or higher than 70 in order to keep the unit off and conserve electricity. I’m doing better now that I’ve gotten more hours at work, but things aren’t really great either, so the more I can save the better.

And I need a kiss. Don’t worry, not from you, and not really for me either. It’s for a character – there’s a contest at the Yellow Rose (local chapter of RWA) for Valentine’s Day. It’s a first kiss thingy, and I’ve looked through a couple of things, but they’re not right. I still have two more stories to go through and if I can’t find anything there, then I’ll need to write one. I know … write. But hey, I’ve started reading, so things are progressing.

Not a whole lot going on to blog about. Really.

I hope you all are having a great week!!!

And don’t forget to go over to Amie’s and leave a comment to win a book. The link is below.

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

And no, I didn't make these ....

Monday, February 02, 2009

Free Books!!!

Okay, Happy Groundhog Day and all of that – got it out of the way. As of this writing, I have no idea what the little bundle of fur saw when climbing out of its burrow, but for me – except for a couple of days here and there, we haven’t had winter. Some of you are probably thinking “I’d love that!!” But there are some problems. You see, not enough freezes to destroy those nasty little summer parasites like fleas; trees and flowers are confused – facing a possible nip in their proverbial buds ‘cuz it’s been known to drop a freeze or two in February; a speaking of the plant life – can we say early pollen? Yeah, think about it – cedar is filling the air and making everyone miserable. And did I mention that I hate heat? Not a good sign for the coming summer months. I’m just saying … you know?


Now down to business. My wonderful sexy friend Amie Stuart is having a contest – it’s called “14 Days of Love” and she’ll be giving away books that entire two week period. You got that right … free books!!! By 14 authors (or a little more – so keep checking in) no less, so get your little behinds over there, leave a comment and win a book. Don’t forget, it’s a 14 day contest, so you need to go every day! Yeah, I’m talking to you – every day!!! You've already missed one day 'cuz it started on Sunday, but there are still 13 more to go!

Amie Stuart



To see a list of authors

A list of rules



Um, and did I mention that there is an on-line bookstore gift certificate involved too? Thought that would get your attention.