Kamikaze Caterpillars

I have these little webs in my tree; I get them every year, but this year is different. This year they spawned these little caterpillars that fell from the tree, covered my car, the ramp, everywhere. They’ve never done this before. Normally, this wouldn’t bother me too much because they’re harmless, but that doesn’t mean I want them on me. It was bad enough sitting on the porch swing smoking and having to watch my feet in case one crawled up there, but now I have to contend with Kamikaze Caterpillars. You heard me. Kamikaze Caterpillars. They crawl up to the ceiling of the porch and then dive bomb me. I could swear they can see me and are doing this on purpose. I imagine them laughing at the poor human being swinging here and there to avoid having one of them fall on her. And I’m sure the neighbors are wondering just what am I smoking. Tell me that the lifespan of a caterpillar isn’t long. Tell me that this will end soon. Or I’m getting a helmet.

Goldenspam

Snatch away Soft Cialis! (Stop! Thief!)
With our Soft Cialis tabs you will be able to chop wood with your dick. (Not if it gets snatched away.)
Get bigger pennis. (Just by adding another “n”)
Thank you, we are ready to lend some cash. (You’re welcome, hand it over)
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in to the power of the music. (Didn’t I talk to you last night?)
Never struggle with your jewelry again. (Yeah, I hate it when I get beat up by my earrings)
I can help you with this. (I doubt it)
Skeptic. (No, just a realist.)
Get your groove on. (I’m too busy listening to the power of the music.)
It was an early Sunday afternoon without Grandma Emily. (Who the hell is Grandma Emily?! Spam’s got grandparents?)

Living Wills

Got this from Bebo and it gave me a chuckle.

While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer.
.....Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.

Yippee Ky Yay

Got my glasses. Big yay! And they’re only driving me half-way nuts. All this up and down crap is for the birds. It’s interesting learning which direction to look for different tasks – NOT! But I’ll adjust, I’m sure (gag me).

Sunday Bebo and I rented a couple of movies: Music and Lyrics with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore (loved it), and Over the Hedge (bored – although there were some good parts and William Shatner was a hoot).

How was your weekend?

Spamraker

Would you like to see more cash in your purse? (About as much as I’d like Hugh Jackman)
No need to tighten your purse strings. (Nope, I’m waiting for that money.)
Hey, our boss got fired! (That’s too … hey! I’m your boss.)
Said he is. (Well he’s lying.)
Unknown direct warning. (If it’s direct, wouldn’t I know where it came from?)
Watch it on Friday. (Oooooh, I’m shaking in my sandals.)
My penis has gone from 3.5 inches to just over 6 inches and is still growing. (Yes, Pinocchio?)
Lots of pleasure for you right after you take this medicine. (Does it involve Hugh Jackman?)
Although usually … (What?)
You’ll enjoy … (quit stalling.)
He stick. (Is it over 6 inches?)


Update: I forgot!!!!!!!!!! Happy Birthday Susie and Melissa Marsh!

Nothing

Two Doilies

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you." Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked. "Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."

The Eyes Have It

That’s it, the end is coming. I’m officially into middle age. I went to the eye doctor the other day and I have to have bi-focals. BI-FOCALS! I’ve known for some time that there was something wrong with my eyes. I get headaches and my eyes would start hurting whenever I read. So I basically quit reading. But I knew I had to do something about it. So I went. It’s only been a little over 20 years since I’ve had my eyes checked. Forgive me doctor, for I have sinned – it’s been over 20 years since my last exam. Well, that’s what it felt like, confessing of a sin to the optometrist. I figured I was in trouble when I sat down, glasses still on, and couldn’t read the damn eye chart. At all. Not. One. Line. In approximately a week or so I’ll be sporting brand new glasses with no line bi-focals. BI-FOCALS! Me! Forget the silver in my hair, or the tiny lines around my eyes – obvious signs of aging. I’m more upset by the new glasses. Bebo kept teasing me until I turned to her and said “no matter what, you’ll always be older than me”. That shut her up. It’s going to take some getting used to, as I’ve been informed over and over. That’s the part that bothers me – will I be able to see at all? Get used to what? Being able to see again? I look forward to that – and to reading.

Oh, and btw – I wrote a little Saturday night, and even went to my old writer’s group on Sunday.

Dr. Spam

You brighten my day. (That and a margarita may get you somewhere.)
No cocktail. (Well then forget it.)
Suppositorys that you essential. (Stop right there, no suppositories.)
Jessie put a ring where? (Then again …)
Of what bun? (Obviously Jessie’s.)
If it is your turn. (I’m not putting anything there.)
You want to measure your penis but it is afraid of the ruler. (Is that a ruler like a yardstick or a ruler like Queen Elizabeth II, because I’m here to tell you if you try to get her to measure your penis you’ll be in big trouble.)
Can’t be a lover anymore? (Can’t be a lover any less.)
U.S. Governments untouched Colorado State detected. (Colorado’s a virgin?)
New degree in sexual confidence. (What university offers that degree?)

Seven Degrees of Blonde

Got this from Lis.

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2:00 in the morning. The wife(undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door She finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really Angry, overcome with grief, she takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?> "Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her U.S. government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, (Dog Squad) patrolling nearby was the first to respond. The K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

The Party

I had a party Saturday night. Amie, Dennie, Susie, Bebo and I got together for an evening of girl talk, booze and food. It was a blast. A lot of secrets spilled, gossip exchanged and howling laughter filled the evening. It’s been a long time since I laughed that hard. We’re not talking giggles, but all out guffaws. Let’s just say I’ll never look at a mirror the same way again – and no, I’m not saying any more.

Bubba was a hit, literally. He showed off his love of spankings to the other’s delight. There’s one picture (hey Amie) and a video (yo Susie) floating around somewhere. I don’t know where they’ll show up – but yes, the spanking has been immortalized.

If you were to open my garbage can, you’d think I was an alcoholic – but I was very good because of the meds. I had a great time and look forward to doing it again.

Update: Read Dennie's take on the night.

From Spam With Love

Sorry for being late. (Don’t do it again)
Do you remember me? (No, it’s been a while)
I itself purgatory (Why the hell not)
Found this on-line. (Put it back)
Herb wants to get Marty drunk at Bubba’s wedding. (Forget about Marty, I want to talk about Bubba’s wedding.)
What’s your future? (I see endless spam)
If this makes it to the front page, you have him to thank. (If this makes it to the front page, it’s a slow news day)
Is that possible? (Probably not, Paris Hilton could have a hang-nail)
We felt welcome and our humanity honored. (You must have been somewhere else)
Your neighbor’s have lost their alarm clock. (again with the alarm clock, why don’t they just get a sundial)
I found it! (Give that to me)
Want to hold a brick on your dick? (Once again, ouch)
If a relaxing moment turns into the right moment, will you be ready? (I don’t know, there’s that matter of the brick.)