Yeah?

So it's groaner Friday instead .. these are a few email funnies that I've been holding onto for just such a day.  What day?  The "I don't have anything else to post" day, that's what.

When asked by a young patrol officer "Do You know you were speeding?" 
This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated: 
"Yes , but .... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going." 
The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day. 
Makes perfectly good sense to me.  

And finally .....

MURDER AT WHOLE FOODS
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. 

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for 

snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.  The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Whole Foods Supermarket store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.  Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. 
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

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(You're going to hate me for this...) 
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'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 at Whole Foods'

What Do You Mean You Don't Know Haminglay?

For those who don’t know it, I work in a bookstore. Its hard work, shelving, alphabetizing, up and down on step-ladders, etc. But every once in a while, okay almost every day, someone on the other side of the counter/phone will make it both worthwhile and frustrating. Hence, things my customers tell me.

Up and coming authors (if you can’t figure out who they are, check the bottom of the post – and yes, some are repeats, I’m not digging out old posts to see what I’ve done already):

Irish Johnson
Janet Plum
Linda Lying Miller
Charles Dickerson
Judy Pickle
Ernest Haminglay
Sofclees


New Releases:

The Murdering Doves
The Angry Grapes
The Little ‘Ol Men See
The Stookie Stackedhouse books

Words we don’t want to hear again:

Triology (trilogy)
Arthur (author)


And now, the customers:


“Paperbacks Plus in Mesquite, may I help you?”
“Is this Paperbacks Plus?”
(Is there an echo?)
“Yes, may I help you?
“Do you have the phone number for Half Price?”
(Do you have a short pier you can walk off of?)


“I’m looking for a book”
(been there, done that, have the straight jacket to prove it)
“And the book is?”
“I don’t remember the name of the book, but the author is that lady who wrote that other book that was made into a movie …”
(Oh her, we don’t carry her books, she’s a snob)

“Can we rent the magazines”
(Yes, for a $40 deposit)

“Paperbacks Plus in Mesquite, may I help you?”
“Do you carry that paper for the computer that has the border on it?”
“No, we’re a used bookstore.”
“What’s the plus for?”
“DVD’s, hardbacks, magazines, CD’s”
“Well that’s a stupid name”
(and your mom dresses you funny)

“I’m looking for a book …”
(OMG not you again!!)

Authors:
Iris Johansen
Janet Evanovich
Linda Lael Miller
Charles Dickens
Judy Picoult
Ernest Hemingway
Sophocles

Books:
To Kill A Mockingbird
The Grapes of Wrath
The Old Man and the Sea
Sookie Stackhouse

I'm Rich!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look!!! It's official!!!!!!!

ATTENTION: Friend (guess that's better than sir/madam)

I am BRIGADIER GENERAL NANA TENNYSON of the Presidential Special
Initiative. (Any relationship to the IMF?) I am mailing you in respect, of the present development going
on here in my country GHANA. (ohhh, got thrown out of Nigeria huh?)

I decided to contact you, after much investigation which was carried out
by the Bureau of National Investigation (BNI) and the Ghana Police
Service, to make sure our country is free of these fraudulent activities,
which is going on here in Africa and for our country to bear a good name. (ooooo you like commas too! Commas are my friend)

The Airport Authority detected some trunk boxes after been scanned the
authorities detected that the boxes contains funds on your name and email
that has been tempered on, they were been smuggled into the country by
foreign Personnel who were on transit from London. (My email was tampered on?? That sounds kinda kinky)

These men were trying to enter the country with the trunk boxes, when the
airport authority detected that these boxes contains, some huge amount of
United State Dollars. After much investigation we found out that these men
were among those men, spoiling the good name of Africa. (These men were among those men, but not among the other men?)

They opened up to us that, they actually work with a Lotto company before
their dismissal and used the opportunity to perpetuate their crimes, they
told us that the funds inside the boxes was won by you, but now they
planned to turn back on you and decided to take the money all to
themselves out of the country. We later found out on the investigation
that was carried that, these men are truly members of a well established
organization to act on their criminal activities. (They were going to turn back on me?? Ohhhh, they really were among those men ...)

As I write you this mail now, the three(3) men that were caught are now in
the custody of the Ghana Police Service over here in our country Ghana, (where else would the Ghana Police Service be?) while we are trying to track the others left, because hey have proved to us that they belong to one organization. (Hey!) That is why we have to reach you by your mail address and name that was tagged the boxes, so we can make the arrangement on the transfer of the funds to your designation. (So, the boxes were addressed to me with the address of my email??? Some mail service you have there, we're lucky if things are sent to us with the actual mail address.)

Your urgent response will be very much appreciated as soon as you have
received this email.Thank you for your kind attention, for us to make sure
our beloved country Ghana, bears a good name. (Try Gentle Ben, he was a good bear)

Please in your reply include your
A: FULL NAMES (I only have one)
B: ADDRESS (Don't need it, your postal service can send me stuff through my email address)
C: DIRECT CONTACT PHONE NUMBER (I'll get my secretary on that)
D: SCANNED COPY OF YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT OR ANY RELEVANT IDENTIFICATION PASSPORT. (Oh no! I can't use my scanner!!!!! Dang it!)



As this information will be required, by the authorities in Ghana to draft
the new change of ownership in your name as the rightful owner of the
funds in our custody and also to verify the information given to us
because the documentations covering the boxes have been tampered on. (Tampered on ... is that like tinkled on 'cuz if it is then I don't want it .. thank you)


Regards,
BRIGADIER GENERAL NANA TENNYSON (So I guess your army doesn't have anything better to do than to contact folks that have been tampered on ....)

Out of the mouths of babes, er, customers

For anyone new to my blog (anyone?), I work in a bookstore and these are the things that really happen there.

Two gentlemen come into the store. My co-worker and I are busy, so I just keep an ear out in case they need help.

"so how do you find anything?"
"oh look, it says alphabetical by author, so let's start here"

To co-worker "You'd better go check them out, they're in the psychology/self-help section"

Overhearing co-worker "Who are you looking for"

"Tom Clancy"

Yeah, we keep him in psychology ... Doesn't everyone?


"How are the books shelved" the customer asks me. "Alphabetical by author within their genre".
"By first or last name?"
For today only, we have put them by the author's first name. You'll find Michael Connolly, Michael Palmer and Michael Crichton all together; same with John Connelly, John Grisham, John Sandford .........

Saturday, July 3 .....
Customer enters store where I and two co-workers, along with a smattering of customers are gathered in the front. She walks up to one co-worker at the front counter. "Are you open today?"
No comment from the peanut gallery ... except for the fact that she was blonde and was looking for a book on how to increase your brain power. Honest ....

Young girl barely out of tweens, texting the entire time while with mother. Up at the counter as mom checks out ... looks up suddenly as if she's just noticed where she was. "We have to pay for these?"
Look below ...

"Can we just borrow the magazines?"

No, we don't charge. In fact, the payroll fairy hands us money from our non-sales.

"What do you mean we have to pay something? Doesn't our credit cover the entire bill?"
Yeah, the phone company/electric company loves it when we pay our bills in books .....

"I'm looking for a book." Oh oh, I've heard this one before.
"yes?"
"I can't remember the author" Yeah, she/he writes a lot of books.
"Do you remember the title of the book?"
"No, but it's a romance" Uh uh, done this, been there ... got the headache to prove it.

"Where do you keep your historical romances?"
"In the romance section."
Blank stare
"All of our romances are shelved together ... we don't seperate the contemporary romances from the historical ones"
Another blank stare ..... yeah, I was lying, we do .. and in the mysteries, we divide them by courtroom dramas, medical mysteries, coroner's, police, animals who solve mysteries ........

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

As I'm recovering from the flu, once again Bebo has saved Friday Funnies. Enjoy. Oh, and I'm feeling better, mind is still a bit fuzzy and I tire easily.

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest...

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer stun gun.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE .....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

Sick

For the Under 40 Crowd

Bebo sent this to me .... and I must make a few changes here for the over 45 crowd .. Atari??? Atari appeared after I'd left my teen years. And there was no recording off the radio with the little built in tape player in your stereo - YOU HAD TO SET A CASSETTE RECORDER NEXT TO THE RADIO AND SET THE MICROPHONE ON TOP OF IT!!!!! Okay, back to the emal ....

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play.. all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd

Random Thoughts From People Our Age

I got these from my friend Angie!

- I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

- Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

- There is a great need for sarcasm font.

- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

- What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

- If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

- It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

- Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

- My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

- It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

- I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

- I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

But they're vintage ...

New Upcoming Authors:

(you figure them out - if you can't,just ask - and remember, on some of them, they may have the name right, just not the pronunciation - I'm spelling them like they said them)

Lori Forster
Jill Shallis (Hey, once again, at least they're asking for her!!)
Kate Quinn
Louie Laymur
Jane Pikcoat

There are no stupid questions ......

After being told that we don't have that book, and neither does our other store. Now we've suggested *shudder* our competition, 'cuz we're like that.
"Do you know if they have it?"
(Yeah, I go through their inventory every night after they close ...)

"Do you have their phone number?"
(Yep, number 0 in my speed dial)

Or, we won't take their stuff, and again have suggested that "other" store:
"How much will they give me for it?"
(How much do you want? I'll call ahead and suggest it.)


You're bringing us what?

"I have 30 boxes in the truck, where do you want me to put them?"
(at that other store ....)

"These belonged to my grandmother and she only read them once"
(Every Sunday while driving her car to church)

"I have two bags of magazines, will you take them?"
"No, we only take current magazines, unless they are .... "(names off very few exceptions)
"These are from the 70s, they're vintage."
(I'm going to shoot her ....)

No, you have to have the password

For those of you who only stop in every once in a while - these are the things that happen in the bookstore where I work. Yes, it's true stuff.

Up and Coming Authors and Books (I'm not giving hints this time. I have to figure them out, so do you. Some are easy.)

John London
Josephine Johnson
Tony Hilleran
Suzanne Foster
Jill Shulbis (my personal favorite - hey, at least they're looking for her.)
Carol Harris
Charles Dickers
Anne Broadrick
Judy Pickle
J.D. Roberts
The Illyard
My Angelina

Customers, we so do love them

"How much for the free stuff out on the sidewalk?" ($350 gadzillion)
"I'm looking for a book and I thought you could help me." (No I only work here)
Looking straight at the CD's on the counter "Do you sell CD's?" (Not to you - those are for the free box sale)
"Do you have the new Harry Potter movie yet?" (If we do, they're looking for us ...)
"When will you get in Bed of Roses? (My guess, when it's out and someone buys it - for the uninformed, that'll be October. For the further uninformed, it's Nora Robb, er, Roberts.)
"I'm looking for a book." (Okay, just stand there and stare at me, I'm sure your thoughts will become my thoughts ... which is scary)


Answer phone: "Paperbacks Plus in Mesquite."
"Jesse?"
"There's no one named Jesse here. This is a bookstore."
"So Jesse isn't there?"
(Yeah, she's over in the "for dummies section".)


"What do you mean I have to pay something? Did you use my store credit?"
"Yes, but store credit only covers half of your purchase. You have to pay the other half plus tax."
"It seems to me that it should cover the entire purchase."
"We have to have money to pay the bills."
"Not my problem."
(no comment, didn't find this one particularly funny - just wanted to share that I didn't hit her.)


And for the finale ...

Woman rushes through the door and up to the counter - points to the interior of the store.
"Can I go look for a book?"
(Only if you have the password)

I just like sitting on the floor .....

This months new authors list (with interpretations in parenthesis in case you need them). Keep an eye out for these up and coming new writers:

Iris Johanseen
Tami Hong (Hoag)
Linda Lucille Miller
Stephanie Lawrence (Laurens)
Gil Grisham (John)
Herman Hessee (Hesse)
John Steinbuck


Irritating young man comes up to the counter with a book:

“I think you put this in the wrong place”
I look at the book – it’s about Samurai.
“Where did you find it?”
“Oh, it was in the martial arts section, it should really be in Eastern Philosophy/religions.”
Now mind you, I had only been off cigarettes for two days.
My co-worker, Morgan, with a glance my way. “No, it’s in the right place.”
“It doesn’t belong in martial arts” he said with an ingratiating smile.
I silently hold out my hand, eyes never leaving his face. He hands the book to me and, still not looking away from him, I flip it open to the first page, the flap of the dust cover showing.
“What does that say on top?”
He looks.
“Out loud please.”
“Martial Arts”
“End of discussion.” I snap the book closed and take it over to the martial arts section. As I walk away I hear him mumble “I still say it’s in the wrong section.”
I was really proud of myself as I kept walking …. hearing Morgan say “I wouldn’t today if I were you dude.”

“Paperbacks Plus in Mesquite”
“I’m on my way to hook up your ATT&T Universal”
“My what? This is a bookstore”
“This isn’t an apartment complex?”
Yes, I live in an apartment complex named Paperbacks Plus ……

“Paperbacks Plus in Mesquite”
“Marquetta ?”
“No Corbett, it’s me. You’ve dialed yourself”
Even my own co-workers don’t listen to the person who answers. How can you mistake Mesquite for Lakewood? On a side note, I don’t think I’ve see Corbett with as sheepish of a look on his face when he came around the corner.

“Paperbacks Plus in Mesquite”
“Is this the bookstore?”
No, it’s an apartment complex ….


“Do you pay cash for items?”
“Some, but we’re very selective. What do you have?”
“An entire set of World Book Encyclopedias, 1980s”
“No, I’m sorry, we can’t even sell the ones from the 90s.”
“How about magazines?”
“We never pay cash for magazines.”
“Not even from the 70s? They’re vintage”
I’ll forget she said that ….

I’m sitting on the floor, rearranging books on the bottom shelves of two columns. I have books stacked all around me.
“Do you work here?”
No, I just like to go into stores and sit on the floors to mess with their stuff. What hobbies do you have?

Too Funny

Okay, this isn’t new, isn’t mine, etc. But, it made Bebo and I laugh so hard – I thought at one point she was going to fall out of her chair. This is from The Dallas Morning News Sunday edition, June 28, 2009 – Metro Section, pg. 10B (did I cite enough sources? Please don’t sue me for copyright dealies).

David McClure of McKinney: A senior moment ... at 48?

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet – a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

David McClure teaches science and coaches at Faubion Middle School in McKinney. He is also a Teacher Voices volunteer columnist. His e-mail address is dmcclure9066@yahoo.com.


Oh, did I mention that I'm 48? I'm about 18 months away from 50 and AARP has already found me? I am sooooo writing this guy. Have a great week!!

Asthma

Too much ozone - too much cottonwood. It's a deadly combination. So, breathless as I am ... here is a Friday funny.

Bebo sent this too me. And yes, I'm afraid, very afraid. I don't know if it's true or not, but it scares the poo out of me. And still, I can't help but laugh.

"In a college classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple – the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, 'What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?'"

So the next time you wonder about how some people get elected - now you know.


You didn't think I'd let you go without YouTube??

There are days when I feel exactly like this.



Oh, and btw - Bubba got real interested in this "screaming". LOL

I'll Take the One in the Yellow ....

*insert name of bookstore* "in Mesquite, may I help you?"

"Oh I hope so, I'm looking for a book ..." long silence (Again, calling a bookstore is a great way to start)

"Which book are you looking for?"

"Oh, yeah, I don't know the name" (oh no, not again) "but I have the ISBN number, does that help?" (About as much as Charlie Sheen at a panty raid).

"No, I'm sorry, our books are categorized by genre and then by author"

"So the ISBN number won't help you?" (Would a squirt bottle have helped Joan of Arc?)

"You don't know the title?"

"Um, I know it's yellow ...." (There's a reason inbreeding is frowned upon.)


Overheard between two customers:

"You can buy these books?" (No, we give them away, but you can't have any.)


and the award goes to ....

"Do you know who wrote Marilyn Monroes autobiography?" (I'm guessing Groucho Marx)

When God Made Cats

When God made the world, He chose to put animals in it, and decided to give each whatever it wanted. All the animals formed a long line before His throne, and the cat quietly went to the end of the line.

To the elephant and the bear He gave strength, to the rabbit and the deer, swiftness; to the owl, the ability to see at night, to the birds and the butterflies, great beauty; to the fox, cunning; to the monkey, intelligence; to the dog, loyalty; to the lion, courage; to the otter, playfulness. And all these were things the animals begged of God.

At last he came to the end of the line, and there sat the little cat, waiting patiently.

"What will YOU have?" God asked the cat.

The cat shrugged modestly. "Oh, whatever scraps you have left over. I don't mind."

"But I'm God. I have everything left over."

"Then I'll have a little of everything, please."

And God gave a great shout of laughter at the cleverness of this small animal, and gave the cat everything she asked for, adding grace and elegance and, only for her, a gentle purr that would always attract humans and assure her a warm and comfortable home.

The end!

p. s. cats rule!

OOPS!!!!!

Um, it's Friday, isn't it? Guess my first clue would have been the fact that I'm not at work ... sheesh. Anyway, I remembered at about 1:30 this morning, soooo .... here is a really cute email that JJ sent me. Sort of goes along with my college essay posts, and you know what? I think they are real 'cuz it does look like they were xeroxed from actual tests. Click on the pics to make them larger.

How to Fail School Tests With Dignity:

Example one:

Example two:

Example three:

Example four:

Example five:

Example six:

Example seven:

Friday Funny

Okay, it's not spam. But a friend sent me this and I just had a laugh. So I decided to share it with you - now, I don't know if this stuff is really true, but there's a disc jockey here that does something similar every morning and his stuff is real, sooooooo:

IDIOT SIGHTING :

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."

We haven't used Sears repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS .


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City


IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING :

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING :

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it' s open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi


STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and

they REPRODUCE

Stress Coping Mechanism

Thank you Siobhan!!!

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day

BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice wholemeal toast
1 cup skimmed milk

LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the biscuits from the packet
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 chocolate bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Finally, here's some advice for you:
Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started....... So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits , the mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates..

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel

It's That P.S. That Will Get You Every Time

Okay, I'm struggling with a sinus infection/cold, so am not up to the usual jovial, er, sunny, um, okay - so maybe this isn't that different than other posts lately. Sue me.

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Sylvia Park, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

XX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Some Words of Wisdom

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranged from 8oz. To 20oz.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.. So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy!"

And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
1 Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue
2 Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it..
7 It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 Never buy a car you can't push.
9 Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
15 You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
16 Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
17 We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18 A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.