Goodbye Regis Philbin

Regis who?  My response for a while, since I only really noticed him on the odd days that mom was home from work.  It wasn’t until mom retired that I really started watching the show with her, and then still periodically (confession, I couldn’t stand Kathy Lee).  When I started taking care of mom it became a morning staple.  Besides, Kelly Ripa had joined by then and I found myself really enjoying the show.  So a morning routine was established.  Mom would get up, I’d make breakfast, we’d sit at the table until time for Regis and Kelly then move on into the den.  They became a part of our lives.  In fact, that’s how we found out about Sept. 11 … I had turned on the TV for the show and well, we know what. But anyway, back to Regis, because it really is all about Regis.  Mom had a bit of a crush on him, and as her dementia deepened he remained a steady part of our lives.  People’s names might disappear from her mind, but never Regis.

I’d get mom up in the morning, help her get dressed. 

She’d say “guess who came by last night?”

No, mom, who? 

“Regis and Joy” (his wife for those that don’t know). 

Oh they did? 

“Yes” a giggle and a secret smile. 

I’d say something like “why didn’t he mow the lawn while he was here?” 

Yes, Regis and Joy made many night time visits to my mom’s room … and she was ecstatic about it, until the sister-in-law stepped in.  Yeah, my sister-law Bev helped to take care of mom.  At some point mom started calling her “riffraff” and acted kinda cold towards her. 

“I don’t want that lady here” she’d say. 

“Beverly? Why?” 

Mom would look at me and say “You know”. 

“No mom, I don’t”

“She’s trying to take away my boyfriend.”

“Regis?”

“Yes”.

Always Regis …

So you see, saying goodbye to Regis is almost like saying goodbye to mom again.  I’ll be right in front of the TV, and I’ll probably cry a little.  No, I’ll probably cry a lot … so long Regis Philbin, I wish you the best at whatever you go on to do.  And I know that a lady up in Heaven will be watching you too.

5 Years

This is from Love You Forever by Robert Munsch.

*The son went to his mother.

He picked her up and rocked her

back and forth, back and forth,

back and forth.

And he sang this song:

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living

my Mommy you'll be.

I can't remember your voice ... but I still remember your smell, the way your bones would creak as I laid my head on your shoulder.  As long as I remember .... my mommy you'll be.

Mary

November 15, 1928 - October 14, 2006

*Love you Forever by Robert Munsch, Illustrated by Sheila McGraw, Firefly Books Ltd., Canada, 1989

Mommie

November 15, 1928 - October 14, 2006

My own goodbye

Yesterday I listed those "notables" that the world had lost in 2008.


Today it's my own personal losses of 2008 that I say goodbye to, so here they are.


My mother's sister Alice O'Connell Proudfit

July 2, 1923 - June 18, 2008
(mom on the left, Alice on the right)



My father's brother Robert Charles Mardis

July 30, 1915 - December 15, 2008




My mother's brother Thomas Elmo O'Connell

February 14, 1921 - December 29, 2008

Each of you in your own way contributed to who I am today. You will be missed.

I'll see everyone on Monday. Have a great weekend!!

In the Bleak Midwinter

This was my mother's favorite Christmas Carol, mostly for the second verse. I always think about her every time I hear it.

Where are you Christmas

As most of you know, my mother passed away only a few months before Christmas. When the holidays came around I wasn't sure what I would do. I didn't feel like celebrating, and yet I made an effort. But it wasn't the same. I began hearing this song on the radio and it would make me cry - it described most of what I was feeling. I couldn't find Christmas anywhere, but most of all, I couldn't find it in my heart. I can remember driving home from work and this song would play and I would cry. Eventually, I found a bit of Christmas and this song has become one of my favorites.

Happy Birthday Mommie

I miss you every day, but even more so today - your birthday. I love you.

November 15, 1928 - October 14, 2006

Calendar Says Wednesday, but That Has to be Wrong

Wow! It’s Wednesday already? Gadzooks this vacation has gone by fast and my hand isn’t near ready to go to work on Thursday. The butterfly strips are holding on fast, so that means I’m going to have to wrap the hand in gauze to keep it completely sealed in that dirty, dingy bookstore. Sheesh.

Tuesday went by rather quietly. I didn’t do a lot, just some photoshopping to keep my mind off of things. Can you see Bubba in the picture above? Of course you can, ya can’t hide that orange body. This is another contest entry, like the two before. This program that I’m using is free and it’s called GIMP. You can download it – I think its GIMP.com, but check, you probably can find it if you Google GIMP. It’s an easy program to learn; I’m still in the amateurish stage, but I’m having fun with it.

We are going to have great weather on Wednesday, well except for the rain maybe. The temps will be more fall-like. Sometime in the afternoon we’ll creep to the mid-70s, and then a cool front will come in and the temps will drop into the 60s by evening. It will be a perfect day to turn off the A/C and open windows.

Can you believe it’s the middle of October now? I do love this time of year but it’s also my most melancholy; the holiday season. Not to mention mom’s birthday in November. Bebo wants to have Thanksgiving at her apartment. Don’t know if anyone else will make it (friends) or if it will be another Thanksgiving with just the two of us. Oh wait, I spent Thanksgiving alone last year, so having it with just Bebo will be an improvement.

Here I am talking about Thanksgiving and we haven’t hit Halloween yet. Who do I think I am, a department store? Halloween, my first in an apartment. I don’t know how much trick or treating is done here; there are a lot of kids in the complex. So I guess I’ll buy candy – I will either have to buy something I don’t like so I won’t eat it before Halloween, or at least throw in a bag for me.

So, what are y’all up to? Anything exciting, titillating, mysterious, adventurous – come on y’all, you know I live vicariously through you!

Have a great Wednesday, thank you so much for the wonderful comments yesterday – I appreciated them more than you can know.

I miss you mommie

November 15, 1928 - October 14, 2006

I thought of you with love today ,,,


but that is nothing new,


I thought about you yesterday and days before that too.


I think of you in silence I often speak your name,


all I have are memories and your picture in a frame...


Your memory is my keepsake ~with which I'll never part ~


God has you in His keeping~I have you in my heart."

Author Unknown

Spam got blown away

Sorry, but as I sat down tonight (this is Thursday evening you know) I really tried to be funny, but I couldn't do it. Not just because today was September 11, but the thought of being funny while my nephew works his way north and out of Ike's reach didn't seem right. Poor Dave. He'll lose everything - if he doesn't it will be a miracle. As I mentioned when Gustav was approaching, he lives on a houseboat in Galveston. A houseboat that he couldn't take out of the water and store somewhere. A houseboat that he had to leave moored at the dock, vulnerable to the furry of what is now a category 2 hurricane. We all know what will win that fight. And knowing Dave like I do, I doubt that he made enough money to carry insurance.

As for us, we're definitely getting rain this time. How much depends upon just where it lands, and how it turns once it does. From what I understand (and remember, another 24 hours until landfall, a lot can change) we'll either get severe storms, tropical storm winds, flooding and tornadoes OR we'll get severe storms (but not as much rain), strong winds and flooding.

And today, September 11. I get real contemplative on this day. I remember where I was, and I remember mother. Sometimes it's like it was yesterday, other times a distant memory.

Oh, the book. I drew names and the winner is Tori!!!!! I'll double check that address with you.

I'm going to leave you now with a little 9/11 tribute. Stay safe, stay well and if you do something interesting take notes - you know I live vicariously through you.

Deja Vu all over again

Well I was trying to figure out a title for tonight’s blog and thought of “This and That” and then I realized I had already used it, so it would be like “Déjà vu all over again”. So that’s where the post title came from.

The only thing I have to add about the apartment is the chimes that I bought at Scarborough Faire. I tried to take a picture of them the day that I shot the patio, but they didn’t show up at all against the cloudy sky, so I had to wait until a sunny day. Even then, they still don’t show up well unless you click and enlarge the picture. The colors aren’t right – I don’t know why the camera isn’t displaying them right. They are leaves and they are a rusty color and a light green. Very pretty and the sound they make is beautiful.

Oh, wait, I do have this wall between the bedroom and bathroom. This is my tribute to dad. And yes, that is a real December 8, 1941 newspaper in that frame.





I had a bit of disconcerting news this weekend. My Aunt Alice was in the hospital. It seems she’ll be okay, but it still scared me. Mom was the first on her side to pass away, and the first death since her mother died in 1980. We’ve been very lucky there. In my lifetime we’ve lost my grandparents and an aunt-in-law, uncle-in-law, and then mom. That’s it. On dad’s side there’s the grandparents, dad, two of his brothers, three of his sisters, and six in-laws. Plus two cousins. So you see how unnerved I became to have first my mother’s brother in the hospital a couple of weeks ago, my aunt, and then to find out today that the oldest was in the hospital too. Confused yet? Anyway, they’re all getting up there and it’s only a matter of time before mom’s side begins to drop, for loss of another way to phrase it. It was the elders that have kept the family together, and as they die, or move away, it’s like we’re all “breaking” up. We no longer have family get-togethers like we did when I was growing up. We probably never will. Dad had 2 brothers and 1 sister living here when he died. Now one of the brothers has moved back to Iowa to live with his daughter, and his sister is moving to Alaska to live with her daughter. That just leaves my Uncle Kenny, and he doesn’t live in town – I haven’t seen him since 2006. In fact, I’ve hardly seen any of my extended family since mother died. And except for my Aunt Alice and one cousin, mother’s family doesn’t live here. I guess I’m just feeling a bit nostalgic this weekend. You see, I woke up Sunday morning with the realization that it was Howard’s birthday. It wasn’t anything I thought about, I just knew when I woke up without thinking about the date. Happy Birthday Howard. He would have been 56. Bebo and I talked about him for a little bit today. The date hadn’t gotten past her either. I saw my niece in March, which was the first time I’d seen her since 2006. And my nephews? Haven’t seen them since mom died either. It doesn’t bother me unless a holiday is coming up. And next weekend is Memorial Day. We got together every Memorial Day to celebrate both Howard’s and my dad’s birthdays (May 31). And now it’s just another day. They’re all pretty much just another day.

Egads, I’m so morose. Excuse me. Let’s end this with something funny, okay?

But do they bloom??? I wonder if they come in different colors? I wonder about the fragrance?I wonder if it would help to put those preservative packets in the water? I wonder if they bloom?I wonder whether they would look better on the kitchen table or in the entry? I wonder if they're cheaper by the dozen?I wonder if they come in long-stemmed?

Captured at 115th and Allisonville Rd. in Fishers (Indianapolis). The sign is real and was up for two hours before someone stopped and told them how to spell PE O NI ES

Why I Hate Valentine's Day

Or 101 ways to break my heart.



Happy Wednesday My Friends! Help Spread the word and save our children from the indignities of Valentine's Day.

There’s a group of us that are boycotting Valentine’s Day for various reasons. Some are doing so because of the crassness and commercialism that has taken over the day. Me, I’m doing it because truth be told, I hate Valentine’s Day. I think it was a holiday invented by happy people to kick lonely people in the gut a few times. It started with me in elementary school. I was one of those kids who sat in class and watched while all of the other kids received valentines. Then later, when teachers began to make the class give valentines to everyone in the class – I received some that said “Happy Valentine’s Day, you stink” and other less loving sayings. I don’t understand how the valentine company’s that make the packages for children would print such terrible ones, but they do. Later in high school it was Valentinegrams. These were purchased and filled out by the sender, then delivered to classrooms by people on the Valentine committee (I guess). I never received any of those either. Neither did I have a boyfriend during the Valentine season – I was always alone. Sometime in my 20s mom began giving me one long-stem rose for Valentine’s Day. Even in the grips of Alzheimer’s, she would still remember to have Bebo get my rose. Last year was the first time I didn’t receive one in 20 years. But still, it’s a bit pathetic when your mother is your only Valentine.

So, there will be no Valentine’s from me, no MySpace comments either. I’m boycotting.

Post about nothing

A couple of hours ago I realized that I needed to write a blog for tomorrow. It’s now 8:30 p.m. and I still don’t know what to say. So call this the post about nothing. I had a good day today. The only blemish was a visit from a beloved cousin who had only stopped by to drop off my birthday present and ended up spending the entire day and eating dinner with Bebo and me. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my cousin Janet very much, I often call her “mom” (she’s much older than I and has children my age), but she can be rather insensitive at times. On the day that I miss my mother the most, she chose to tell me all about our aunt who she thinks has Alzheimer’s and could I give her some tips on how to handle her, what to do with her, who can take care of her (which I very promptly said “not me, I’ve gone through that once already”). I didn’t need to be reminded of my mother so much, especially today. She also gave me a 3-piece microwavable spa set. Huh? What am I going to do with that? Talk about white elephants … although for my birthday she gave me this gorgeous sofa pillow with St. Nicholas on it. It will go well with my collection and is the perfect color. It’s also a present for the cats as it has tassels on it.

My sister gave me the complete first (and only) season of the Dresden Files! Yay!!!!! Bebo gave me Borders gift cards for both my birthday and Christmas presents. More yays. Let’s see – Brandy sent me this cute little box of candy. Thanks sweetie. My brother didn’t send me anything, not even a card. I suppose he considers calling me up and singing the Merry Birthday song was enough. Not. I sent him an ecard for his birthday AND called him. Men.

Oh, and I started the day by going out to the nursing home to see my sister. See, I’m being a good girl. (For those of you who are fairly new to the blog, I don’t get along with my sister – she thinks we do …)

See, look, you made it this far without barfing, so I guess its not that bad. So now I’m sitting here watching The Christmas Shoes for like the third time this season (it wasn’t what the TV guide said would be on), I’m too lazy to put this laptop down and find the remote.

Oh, and now my cousin wants to be included when Bebo and I go out! She wants to make it a threesome. Every once in a while yes, but not on a regular basis – please, not on a regular basis.

So here it is, my blog about nothing. At least there’s spam for Friday, right?

What did you get for Christmas?

btw - I bought Bebo "The Gift of the Magi" for Christmas. Thanks Devon!

It's Been a Year

Sunday has been a difficult day, the first anniversary of my mother’s death. Bebo and I went out to the cemetery this morning, but then she had a family thing she had to attend so I spent the day alone. Mother has constantly been on my mind, flashbacks to her last day. I would have thought that after a year the ache would ease, but it hasn’t. My mother was so much a part of my life, my support in times of need. We were very close. Now I start my second year without her and I can only hope that it’s better than the last. Thanks for putting up with my bit of self-pity, you are true friends.

It's Monday

On Sunday Bebo and I watched Room 1408 and Fantastic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer. Both were good movies. If you like Stephen King you’ll enjoy Room 1408 and of course FF was full of great action.

On a sad note, one year ago today we put mom in hospice. It doesn’t seem like it’s been a year – she died on the 14th. I still miss her so much.

Some Days Make no Sense

Ackkkk, here’s the blog post where I have to talk about myself. I hate Mondays because of this. I can never think of anything to say. Wait, I’ve lost 22 lbs. so far – that’s good, right? Bebo and I watched “Vacancy” Sunday. Scary stuff with plenty of jumps and chilly moments. We will never, ever stay at one of those isolated roadside motels again. Not that we’re planning on taking any trips off interstate and into the backwoods. But just in case …

Today, in the U.S., is Labor Day. I think it’s a day to celebrate the working class by giving them a day off. But now it’s evolved into a day of shopping, barbeques, and lake-side shenanigans. Shopping of course means that somebody has to labor, so it’s not Labor Day for everyone. Got it? We used to have a big family get together on Labor Day, but since Mom’s death, well actually since Dad’s death, we haven’t had a lot of get-togethers. Bebo will be spending the day with her parents and I’ll be sitting around twiddling my thumbs. Or sleeping. My guess is sleeping. I hope those of you who celebrate this day have a good one – well, hell, everyone have a good one whether you celebrate Labor Day or not.

See why I hate Mondays?

Memorial Day

Bebo and I went to the Memorial Cemetery on Sunday to visit mom and dad’s grave. The flags were out, fluttering in the breeze from the rain that sprinkled the area. There’s something about being at a cemetery in the rain, umbrellas opened against the weeping sky. Yes, it’s as if the sky were crying too. This cemetery affects me more than any other, brings a lump to my throat as I read the names of the men and women buried there. WWII, Korea, Vietnam – the list continues up to our present war. Even though a majority of these people did not die in war, they gave their all for our security, the freedoms that we take for granted every day. Monday, in the United States, is Memorial Day. A day set aside to honor those who gave their lives in time of war. Take a moment to think about those men and women who gave the ultimate sacrifice for us.

Daddy and Uncle Bill - I miss you.

Egads!

I'm working with the boss Thursday morning

This has been a warning from the My Boss is a Perfectionist System

We now return you to your regular blogging.

So, yeah, I'm working with the boss on Thursday morning. Can't you tell I'm excited? I like him, but not to work with. He's picky, a perfectionist and he makes me nervous. I make more mistakes when he's around than I would in a month or two. I don't do things the way he does and trying to remember how I'm supposed to do it, well it's just frustrating. On the bright side, I do start my new anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication that morning too. Maybe they'll conteract each other? I apologize for yesterday - I had a minor meltdown Tuesday night and couldn't post. I thought about mom's birthday, Christmas, New Years as days that would get me, but I never considered Valentine's Day and how lonely I would feel. No card, no rose, no mom. Even through the fog of Alzheimer's last year, she somehow remembered to have Bebo buy me a rose. So yesterday pretty much sucked. Big time. I spent the morning getting enrolled in our low-income medical program, saw a doctor, got hooked up with drugs, had three vials of blood withdrawn and in a couple of weeks I should be seeing a psychiatrist. Then maybe Bailey will be a happy camper again. I've had a very hard time since mom died - being clinically depressed when I began taking care of my parent's didn't help much. Not having any medical care for the last 7 years wasn't a good thing either. It's one of the reasons I've had a hard time getting the house in order, and it's also interfering with my writing. Major no no. When you're depressed you have periods of high energy and then periods where things that you normally enjoy don't interest you; hence the writing and then not writing, reading and then not reading.

On the writing front - weeeellllll, my readers may have fits, but I'm thinking of changing the direction of the story. Brandy, quit throwing things at me; Glenice? Yeah, you and what army; Jeanne, I think my cats can take yours; Susan, yeah, they could probably take yours too. I'm getting to know my characters and, well, they're not happy with the story line. Imagine that - like they think it's their story or something. Of all the nerve. No, really, I think (and Bebo too) that the direction I'm leaning towards is a good one. We'll see, I haven't decided yet.

I'd better get to bed now - I have "you know who" in the morning and I don't want to be a slug.

Sorry I haven't been a good blogging buddy either. I think I mentioned that I'm filling in for someone at work and I've been working every day this week. Things will be back to normal (as normal as I can get) after the weekend.