I'm Fall - ing

Aww the arrival of fall .. how wonderful these last couple of days have been.  I didn’t have to turn on the a/c on Friday or today .. just had the windows open all day.  My regular readers know that I hate summer .. actually, if summer had an average high of 72, I’d love it.  So let’s just say that I hate heat.  I really have mood fluctuations depending upon the time of the year, but it’s not the normal SAD that everyone is familiar with.  SAD – Seasonal Affective Disorder is normally referred to as the winter-time blues.  It’s said that the body needs a certain amount of sunlight in order to function properly.  But there is a lesser known side of SAD – those who become depressed during the summer months.  Yes, me.  In fact, I’ve read some recent literature indicating a relationship between bipolar and SAD, which is interesting to me since I am bipolar.  In the summer, my windows are closed up tight, blinds closed, heavy curtains drawn.  My rooms are dark, or as dark as I can get them.  But in the cooler months, I love to have the windows, blinds and curtains wide open.  F

So what about you?  Are you a Spring/Summer person or a Fall/Winter?  

Focus

When I first began taking care of mom, well make that mom and dad, I was reading a lot and writing was great. Then dad died and I had to spend more time with mother. Still, I was reading and maybe not writing as much, but writing. As things progressed with mom, I still read, but the writing began to fall to the wayside. I always thought “when this thing with mom is over, I’ll have all the time in the world to write”. Yeah. Mom passed and everything stopped; reading, writing, creativity, etc. Oh, there were moments of creativity – it wasn’t all gone, but it became a chore, not a love. Suddenly I had all of the time, but nothing was really there. I kind of expected that, I was grieving after all. But as time went on, it didn’t change. At first I thought it was my eyes, and part of it turned out to be – bifocals. Still, didn’t change much. Then the bipolar diagnosis and the medication; some things changed, but the flow of creativity, the focus for reading – still MIA. It reminds me a little of the classic Twilight Zone episode called Time Enough at Last. I’ll stop for a few minutes to let you follow the link and read the synopsis. Ready? Okay, that’s me, I have time enough at last, but my “glasses” are broken, or something is broken and I don’t know exactly what. I do know that I need to start reading – that reading feeds my creativity. I know that I need to start writing – even if it is just this blog, because any form of writing is an improvement right now. I also know that I have to find Bailey Stewart again. That’s what I meant about getting back to MySpace, diving into what made her work. Because Bailey Stewart is my key, my way back to the creativity. Everything is there, waiting. And I’ll find it again.

It's Been a Week

I'm not talking about the internet - it'll just upset me again. I'm over at Bebo's now, paying bills and checking email. We've had quite a week, the two of us, well Bebo mainly. *gg* First she got a ticket going a wee bit fast in a school zone, and then her water pump went out on the car. That's a lot of moola to put out for someone without a job. Yep, Bebo is among the unemployed. She'd already had to put out $300 at the vet's for her cat Jack (who's fine now) and then this. That's three - right?

The new medication they put me on seems to be doing it's job - I'm not as anxious all of the time, settled down a bit. I'm still not reading a lot - found out it wasn't only the bi-polar stuff, but my eyesight. I can read for a little bit and then I have to stop because my eyes start to hurt. Yes folks, you can say it - Bailey has "over-40" eyes. It's time for bi-focals. I'm not happy about it. Shhh, I heard that. Just wait until you get old.

On Friday and Saturday we had a garage sale at the house. Got rid of a lot of junk, er, stuff. Thankfully, the weather held and we had a couple of pleasant days.

Not much more going on except for "you know what" and I ain't talking about it. Marty honey, come out of the corner. That's a good girl.

Take care and I hope to be back to you soon.

Checking In

Okay, it’s time for your weekly update into Bailey’s psyche. Well, it’s here, which is about all I can say. I’m not writing because my mind isn’t into focusing at the moment. Too many things are whirling around my brain at the same time. I’m having trouble sleeping – I head to bed at a decent hour, but my body and mind aren’t in sync enough to go to sleep. I’ve tried many things to help me sleep – warm showers, music, nature sounds (which worked one night), even a half a glass of a margarita. Last night nothing worked. I have developed restless legs – a side effect of the medication that I hope passes soon. I’m already lacking in energy, and lacking in sleep doesn’t help. I have to be very careful right now since I seem to be in a spending mood, so I’m staying in a lot and avoiding on-line shopping sites. I was on Borders the other day and ended up pre-ordering Amie’s two up-coming books. *sigh* What can I say, I’m a book addict. That’s what’s going on with me – just waiting for the meds to kick in (about a month – I’ve gone a week and a half on the mood stabilizer and a week on the anti-depressant). I’m tired of waiting.

So, what’s going on in your neck of the woods?

Mixed News

I had a bit of an unusual day yesterday. Since we’re friends, I’ll always try to keep you informed about what is happening to me, but I won’t dwell on it – I want this to be a happy place.

Anyway, I went for a psych evaluation. We all know I’ve been depressed since mom’s death, but it’s more than that. I’ve been depressed for most of my adult life. So that was no surprise. We also know I suffer from a form of agoraphobia, once again no surprise, except for the fact that it’s getting worse. A panic disorder wasn’t a surprise either. What was the surprise was the probable diagnosis of bi-polar. Well, I can’t really say that that was a total surprise either – Bebo and I had suspected it for quite some time, since Howard was bi-polar and Bebo was very acquainted with that condition. I am around the same age Howard was when his condition became evident. Being bi-polar doesn’t really scare me as I know with medication that it can be handled. It’s what happened to Howard later that scares me. He began showing signs of schizophrenia – or rather schizoid affects. It’s in our family, there waiting in the shadows. I try not to think about it. But, the bi-polar does explain the spurts of writing and then none. It explains a lot of things.

Anyhoo, I just wanted everyone to know what was going on. I’ll be okay – as long as I have people to “talk” to so I don’t feel so isolated. Y’all have been great friends. Thank you.

EDIT: I forgot that some people have just begun popping in. Howard was my brother who passed away in 2005. Bebo is his widow.