Living Wills

Got this from Bebo and it gave me a chuckle.

While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer.
.....Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.

Yippee Ky Yay

Got my glasses. Big yay! And they’re only driving me half-way nuts. All this up and down crap is for the birds. It’s interesting learning which direction to look for different tasks – NOT! But I’ll adjust, I’m sure (gag me).

Sunday Bebo and I rented a couple of movies: Music and Lyrics with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore (loved it), and Over the Hedge (bored – although there were some good parts and William Shatner was a hoot).

How was your weekend?

Spamraker

Would you like to see more cash in your purse? (About as much as I’d like Hugh Jackman)
No need to tighten your purse strings. (Nope, I’m waiting for that money.)
Hey, our boss got fired! (That’s too … hey! I’m your boss.)
Said he is. (Well he’s lying.)
Unknown direct warning. (If it’s direct, wouldn’t I know where it came from?)
Watch it on Friday. (Oooooh, I’m shaking in my sandals.)
My penis has gone from 3.5 inches to just over 6 inches and is still growing. (Yes, Pinocchio?)
Lots of pleasure for you right after you take this medicine. (Does it involve Hugh Jackman?)
Although usually … (What?)
You’ll enjoy … (quit stalling.)
He stick. (Is it over 6 inches?)


Update: I forgot!!!!!!!!!! Happy Birthday Susie and Melissa Marsh!

Nothing

Two Doilies

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you." Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked. "Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."

The Eyes Have It

That’s it, the end is coming. I’m officially into middle age. I went to the eye doctor the other day and I have to have bi-focals. BI-FOCALS! I’ve known for some time that there was something wrong with my eyes. I get headaches and my eyes would start hurting whenever I read. So I basically quit reading. But I knew I had to do something about it. So I went. It’s only been a little over 20 years since I’ve had my eyes checked. Forgive me doctor, for I have sinned – it’s been over 20 years since my last exam. Well, that’s what it felt like, confessing of a sin to the optometrist. I figured I was in trouble when I sat down, glasses still on, and couldn’t read the damn eye chart. At all. Not. One. Line. In approximately a week or so I’ll be sporting brand new glasses with no line bi-focals. BI-FOCALS! Me! Forget the silver in my hair, or the tiny lines around my eyes – obvious signs of aging. I’m more upset by the new glasses. Bebo kept teasing me until I turned to her and said “no matter what, you’ll always be older than me”. That shut her up. It’s going to take some getting used to, as I’ve been informed over and over. That’s the part that bothers me – will I be able to see at all? Get used to what? Being able to see again? I look forward to that – and to reading.

Oh, and btw – I wrote a little Saturday night, and even went to my old writer’s group on Sunday.

Dr. Spam

You brighten my day. (That and a margarita may get you somewhere.)
No cocktail. (Well then forget it.)
Suppositorys that you essential. (Stop right there, no suppositories.)
Jessie put a ring where? (Then again …)
Of what bun? (Obviously Jessie’s.)
If it is your turn. (I’m not putting anything there.)
You want to measure your penis but it is afraid of the ruler. (Is that a ruler like a yardstick or a ruler like Queen Elizabeth II, because I’m here to tell you if you try to get her to measure your penis you’ll be in big trouble.)
Can’t be a lover anymore? (Can’t be a lover any less.)
U.S. Governments untouched Colorado State detected. (Colorado’s a virgin?)
New degree in sexual confidence. (What university offers that degree?)

Seven Degrees of Blonde

Got this from Lis.

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2:00 in the morning. The wife(undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door She finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really Angry, overcome with grief, she takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?> "Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her U.S. government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, (Dog Squad) patrolling nearby was the first to respond. The K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

The Party

I had a party Saturday night. Amie, Dennie, Susie, Bebo and I got together for an evening of girl talk, booze and food. It was a blast. A lot of secrets spilled, gossip exchanged and howling laughter filled the evening. It’s been a long time since I laughed that hard. We’re not talking giggles, but all out guffaws. Let’s just say I’ll never look at a mirror the same way again – and no, I’m not saying any more.

Bubba was a hit, literally. He showed off his love of spankings to the other’s delight. There’s one picture (hey Amie) and a video (yo Susie) floating around somewhere. I don’t know where they’ll show up – but yes, the spanking has been immortalized.

If you were to open my garbage can, you’d think I was an alcoholic – but I was very good because of the meds. I had a great time and look forward to doing it again.

Update: Read Dennie's take on the night.

From Spam With Love

Sorry for being late. (Don’t do it again)
Do you remember me? (No, it’s been a while)
I itself purgatory (Why the hell not)
Found this on-line. (Put it back)
Herb wants to get Marty drunk at Bubba’s wedding. (Forget about Marty, I want to talk about Bubba’s wedding.)
What’s your future? (I see endless spam)
If this makes it to the front page, you have him to thank. (If this makes it to the front page, it’s a slow news day)
Is that possible? (Probably not, Paris Hilton could have a hang-nail)
We felt welcome and our humanity honored. (You must have been somewhere else)
Your neighbor’s have lost their alarm clock. (again with the alarm clock, why don’t they just get a sundial)
I found it! (Give that to me)
Want to hold a brick on your dick? (Once again, ouch)
If a relaxing moment turns into the right moment, will you be ready? (I don’t know, there’s that matter of the brick.)

Bubba the Mental Genius

Unlike some people (Hi Brandy) I don't always have a camera on hand when the cats do something cute, so you're going to have to use your imagination.



You know when Snoopy sits on the roof-edge of his dog house and pretends to be an eagle (or vulture, or whatever)? Substitute a bathroom counter for the dog house, and Bubba the red-necked kitty for Snoopy. I glanced towards the bathroom the other day and there was Bubba sitting next to the sink staring intently at the faucets as if with the power of his mind he could get them to turn on. You see, he has suddenly taken a liking to drinking water from the sink no matter how fresh the water in the dish is. I haven't the heart to tell him he's no mental genius.



I have the laptop going - yeah!!!!!!!!

Memorial Day

Bebo and I went to the Memorial Cemetery on Sunday to visit mom and dad’s grave. The flags were out, fluttering in the breeze from the rain that sprinkled the area. There’s something about being at a cemetery in the rain, umbrellas opened against the weeping sky. Yes, it’s as if the sky were crying too. This cemetery affects me more than any other, brings a lump to my throat as I read the names of the men and women buried there. WWII, Korea, Vietnam – the list continues up to our present war. Even though a majority of these people did not die in war, they gave their all for our security, the freedoms that we take for granted every day. Monday, in the United States, is Memorial Day. A day set aside to honor those who gave their lives in time of war. Take a moment to think about those men and women who gave the ultimate sacrifice for us.

Daddy and Uncle Bill - I miss you.

DOWN AGAIN!!!!

Well, Bailey's internet access crashed AGAIN... so she's down till we can bully ATT to get a tech to her house to fix this thing. It's their fault, they can fix it! So.... she will access emails & blog on a ljmited basis again for the unforeseen future.
Sorry. Will keep you "posted".

Bebo

I'm Baaaaaack - sort of

At least on the PC, but we can't get the router to work so the laptop is still down. I hate this - the study gets too hot in the Summer so I don't spend a lot of time in here, but we'll work with it. For some reason my favorites list is messed up, so I'll have to add everything again. *sigh* Anyway, that's all I have to say - missed y'all and thanks for hanging in there.

It's Been a Week

I'm not talking about the internet - it'll just upset me again. I'm over at Bebo's now, paying bills and checking email. We've had quite a week, the two of us, well Bebo mainly. *gg* First she got a ticket going a wee bit fast in a school zone, and then her water pump went out on the car. That's a lot of moola to put out for someone without a job. Yep, Bebo is among the unemployed. She'd already had to put out $300 at the vet's for her cat Jack (who's fine now) and then this. That's three - right?

The new medication they put me on seems to be doing it's job - I'm not as anxious all of the time, settled down a bit. I'm still not reading a lot - found out it wasn't only the bi-polar stuff, but my eyesight. I can read for a little bit and then I have to stop because my eyes start to hurt. Yes folks, you can say it - Bailey has "over-40" eyes. It's time for bi-focals. I'm not happy about it. Shhh, I heard that. Just wait until you get old.

On Friday and Saturday we had a garage sale at the house. Got rid of a lot of junk, er, stuff. Thankfully, the weather held and we had a couple of pleasant days.

Not much more going on except for "you know what" and I ain't talking about it. Marty honey, come out of the corner. That's a good girl.

Take care and I hope to be back to you soon.

Still Off-Line

And I'm pissed! Royally. Internet withdrawal has been sheer hell. I feel so cut-off and lonely without y'all, but we're working on ways to get me back on-line. For some reason the computer will not pull up something called an ISP, or IPS something or other. They're blaming the computer which I say is balderdash since it was working fine up until THEY disconnected my internet. Anyway, we are working on the problem. I can access my email every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday - but I can't go to any blogs, myspace or open any attachments. I can also check my stuff at Bebo's (where I am today) probably about once a week.

That's it for right now - keep checking in, you never know when I'll show up.

Offline Update from Bebo

ATT sucks! They have messed up Bailey's internet access and she is down indefinitely. We're working on the problem, but have no idea how long this will take.

She can access the blog & email from other sources, so you can still chat with her, but only on a limited basis.

Will update again as necessary.

Off-Line

You might remember me mentioning last year that I would eventually have to switch my AT&T account from my mother's name to mine? Well, it's happening. And in order to just switch the accounts they have to disconnect my internet and re-connect it?! I have been informed that I will be off-line from Monday, May 7 through Wednesday, May 9. No.internet. no.blog. no.IMing. I will be able to check my mail from work on Tuesday, but that's the only thing I can do. So it looks like you'll only be getting this post and then Spam on Friday. Here's hoping it'll only be for those three days. Sheesh.

Spamzilla

No point wasting time. (You’re right, let’s get started)
Coffee’s on! What are u waiting for? (Is it decaf?)
Won’t forget last night. (Believe me, I won’t either.)
I’m available tonight, are you? (Nope, last night was enough, thank you.)
Prepare yourself for this. (With spam, I’m prepared for anything.)
What was that? (I don’t hear anything.)
He must have been following me when I came in here. (Who? What?)
Perian grabbed him by the shoulders just as the monster reared. (Spamzilla)
Deep calming breath now. (I’m calm, you’re the one with the monster)
The size of your dick is about a small mobile phone. (You need a visit from the big dick fairy)
The easy way to hang just about anything. (Unless you have a dick the size of a mobile phone.)
Engrossing ad lib. (Thank you, I try)
Same Time next week? (Gotcha.)


Just a little note - Wednesday night we were hit by a storm with 80 - 100 mph winds. I lost my electricity at about 7:00 p.m. and it did not come back on until around 4:00 Thursday afternoon. Yes, I had an exciting night.

Just checking In

Thought I'd give you a little update on my condition. They are going to up my anti-depressants and see if that helps with my fatigue and general ennui. I don't have the get up and go I used to have, and I could sleep all the time. I'm sleeping well at night, so that's not the problem - ergo, it's the depression. And I still don't have any interest in doing anything, even reading. If this doesn't work, they will try another prescription as this will be the highest dose of this medication that I can take. I'm tired of feeling exhausted; tired of not being able to read and my writing time has sucked. At least I think about the book - that's something, right?