Funny Ads

These are advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country (or so we are led to believe)

- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

- For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

- Great Dames for sale.

- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

- If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

I Don't Wanna Come Home!!

I had a really great time at National! I shared a room with Amie and Dennie, which was quite interesting. Saw some authors (Nora Roberts was everywhere), ate a lot of food, drank a little, attended some workshops, but most of all, I got to relax for the first time in months. It felt good, so good that I wasn't ready to come home and face reality. But here I am. I have met The Shalvis and she is just as kind and generous in person that she seems to be on-line. Loreth Anne White and I had dinner one night. She's also a lot like her on-line personality - completely charming. And I loved her accent. Had lunch with Melissa McClone and hung around a bit - she's a sweetie. We talked about our cats a lot. I missed my babies.

I have pictures, but I don't want to download them onto this computer. I'm going to try to get the router thing straightened out this week so I can get back on the laptop.

I am awfully tired, but once I rest up, I'm getting back to writing. The conference was invigorating and I feel that itch to write. Hope y'all had a good week. Missed ya!

I Don't Wanna Go!!!

So, I’m getting ready for National and I’m already nauseous. Agoraphobia rears its ugly head. It was time for a laugh, and Christa provided one. I thought I’d share. Talk to you next week!


A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

The Spy Who Spammed Me

Your neighbors lost their alarm clock. (I blame the caterpillars.)
It’s Suzanne’s “Girls Night Out” again, can you make it? (A night out with spam, wow, I’m under-whelmed)
But maybe it is better you don’t go. (You can’t tell me what I can and cannot do.)
Bossily (You ain’t seen bossily)
Await soliloquy (To be, or not to be … I decided not to wait.)
Won’t forget last night. (Were you out with Suzanne?)
With Penis Enlarge Patch your cock will win the beauty contest. (There’s a beauty contest for penises? Probably on the Fox network.)
Grimace (I’d like to see you do better.)
Grow your manhood. (Another use for Miracle Grow)
Do you want more money (About as much as I want Hugh Jackman.)

Psssst

Miss me?

I'm not back 100 percent. At first I thought it was the modem, but then Monday I got the bright idea to plug the cable into the modem directly instead of through the router. It worked. So it's the router, not the modem. I'll deal with that after conference next week. Meanwhile, I'm stuck on the PC which, if you are familiar with my PC woes, is not a good thing. No IMing, blogging, etc. I also am still experiencing modem problems between 8:30 p.m. and 8:30 a.m. - this has happened before and does eventually work itself out. So I'm stuck with this slow PC (not a lot of memory) until I buy the new router.

Have a happy and safe Fourth of July. While you're grilling and watching fireworks, don't forget to take a moment and think about the sacrifices that were made so you can enjoy the Freedoms that you do.

Kamikaze Caterpillars

I have these little webs in my tree; I get them every year, but this year is different. This year they spawned these little caterpillars that fell from the tree, covered my car, the ramp, everywhere. They’ve never done this before. Normally, this wouldn’t bother me too much because they’re harmless, but that doesn’t mean I want them on me. It was bad enough sitting on the porch swing smoking and having to watch my feet in case one crawled up there, but now I have to contend with Kamikaze Caterpillars. You heard me. Kamikaze Caterpillars. They crawl up to the ceiling of the porch and then dive bomb me. I could swear they can see me and are doing this on purpose. I imagine them laughing at the poor human being swinging here and there to avoid having one of them fall on her. And I’m sure the neighbors are wondering just what am I smoking. Tell me that the lifespan of a caterpillar isn’t long. Tell me that this will end soon. Or I’m getting a helmet.

Goldenspam

Snatch away Soft Cialis! (Stop! Thief!)
With our Soft Cialis tabs you will be able to chop wood with your dick. (Not if it gets snatched away.)
Get bigger pennis. (Just by adding another “n”)
Thank you, we are ready to lend some cash. (You’re welcome, hand it over)
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in to the power of the music. (Didn’t I talk to you last night?)
Never struggle with your jewelry again. (Yeah, I hate it when I get beat up by my earrings)
I can help you with this. (I doubt it)
Skeptic. (No, just a realist.)
Get your groove on. (I’m too busy listening to the power of the music.)
It was an early Sunday afternoon without Grandma Emily. (Who the hell is Grandma Emily?! Spam’s got grandparents?)

Living Wills

Got this from Bebo and it gave me a chuckle.

While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer.
.....Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.

Yippee Ky Yay

Got my glasses. Big yay! And they’re only driving me half-way nuts. All this up and down crap is for the birds. It’s interesting learning which direction to look for different tasks – NOT! But I’ll adjust, I’m sure (gag me).

Sunday Bebo and I rented a couple of movies: Music and Lyrics with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore (loved it), and Over the Hedge (bored – although there were some good parts and William Shatner was a hoot).

How was your weekend?

Spamraker

Would you like to see more cash in your purse? (About as much as I’d like Hugh Jackman)
No need to tighten your purse strings. (Nope, I’m waiting for that money.)
Hey, our boss got fired! (That’s too … hey! I’m your boss.)
Said he is. (Well he’s lying.)
Unknown direct warning. (If it’s direct, wouldn’t I know where it came from?)
Watch it on Friday. (Oooooh, I’m shaking in my sandals.)
My penis has gone from 3.5 inches to just over 6 inches and is still growing. (Yes, Pinocchio?)
Lots of pleasure for you right after you take this medicine. (Does it involve Hugh Jackman?)
Although usually … (What?)
You’ll enjoy … (quit stalling.)
He stick. (Is it over 6 inches?)


Update: I forgot!!!!!!!!!! Happy Birthday Susie and Melissa Marsh!

Nothing

Two Doilies

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you." Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked. "Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."

The Eyes Have It

That’s it, the end is coming. I’m officially into middle age. I went to the eye doctor the other day and I have to have bi-focals. BI-FOCALS! I’ve known for some time that there was something wrong with my eyes. I get headaches and my eyes would start hurting whenever I read. So I basically quit reading. But I knew I had to do something about it. So I went. It’s only been a little over 20 years since I’ve had my eyes checked. Forgive me doctor, for I have sinned – it’s been over 20 years since my last exam. Well, that’s what it felt like, confessing of a sin to the optometrist. I figured I was in trouble when I sat down, glasses still on, and couldn’t read the damn eye chart. At all. Not. One. Line. In approximately a week or so I’ll be sporting brand new glasses with no line bi-focals. BI-FOCALS! Me! Forget the silver in my hair, or the tiny lines around my eyes – obvious signs of aging. I’m more upset by the new glasses. Bebo kept teasing me until I turned to her and said “no matter what, you’ll always be older than me”. That shut her up. It’s going to take some getting used to, as I’ve been informed over and over. That’s the part that bothers me – will I be able to see at all? Get used to what? Being able to see again? I look forward to that – and to reading.

Oh, and btw – I wrote a little Saturday night, and even went to my old writer’s group on Sunday.

Dr. Spam

You brighten my day. (That and a margarita may get you somewhere.)
No cocktail. (Well then forget it.)
Suppositorys that you essential. (Stop right there, no suppositories.)
Jessie put a ring where? (Then again …)
Of what bun? (Obviously Jessie’s.)
If it is your turn. (I’m not putting anything there.)
You want to measure your penis but it is afraid of the ruler. (Is that a ruler like a yardstick or a ruler like Queen Elizabeth II, because I’m here to tell you if you try to get her to measure your penis you’ll be in big trouble.)
Can’t be a lover anymore? (Can’t be a lover any less.)
U.S. Governments untouched Colorado State detected. (Colorado’s a virgin?)
New degree in sexual confidence. (What university offers that degree?)

Seven Degrees of Blonde

Got this from Lis.

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2:00 in the morning. The wife(undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door She finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really Angry, overcome with grief, she takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?> "Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her U.S. government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, (Dog Squad) patrolling nearby was the first to respond. The K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

The Party

I had a party Saturday night. Amie, Dennie, Susie, Bebo and I got together for an evening of girl talk, booze and food. It was a blast. A lot of secrets spilled, gossip exchanged and howling laughter filled the evening. It’s been a long time since I laughed that hard. We’re not talking giggles, but all out guffaws. Let’s just say I’ll never look at a mirror the same way again – and no, I’m not saying any more.

Bubba was a hit, literally. He showed off his love of spankings to the other’s delight. There’s one picture (hey Amie) and a video (yo Susie) floating around somewhere. I don’t know where they’ll show up – but yes, the spanking has been immortalized.

If you were to open my garbage can, you’d think I was an alcoholic – but I was very good because of the meds. I had a great time and look forward to doing it again.

Update: Read Dennie's take on the night.

From Spam With Love

Sorry for being late. (Don’t do it again)
Do you remember me? (No, it’s been a while)
I itself purgatory (Why the hell not)
Found this on-line. (Put it back)
Herb wants to get Marty drunk at Bubba’s wedding. (Forget about Marty, I want to talk about Bubba’s wedding.)
What’s your future? (I see endless spam)
If this makes it to the front page, you have him to thank. (If this makes it to the front page, it’s a slow news day)
Is that possible? (Probably not, Paris Hilton could have a hang-nail)
We felt welcome and our humanity honored. (You must have been somewhere else)
Your neighbor’s have lost their alarm clock. (again with the alarm clock, why don’t they just get a sundial)
I found it! (Give that to me)
Want to hold a brick on your dick? (Once again, ouch)
If a relaxing moment turns into the right moment, will you be ready? (I don’t know, there’s that matter of the brick.)

Bubba the Mental Genius

Unlike some people (Hi Brandy) I don't always have a camera on hand when the cats do something cute, so you're going to have to use your imagination.



You know when Snoopy sits on the roof-edge of his dog house and pretends to be an eagle (or vulture, or whatever)? Substitute a bathroom counter for the dog house, and Bubba the red-necked kitty for Snoopy. I glanced towards the bathroom the other day and there was Bubba sitting next to the sink staring intently at the faucets as if with the power of his mind he could get them to turn on. You see, he has suddenly taken a liking to drinking water from the sink no matter how fresh the water in the dish is. I haven't the heart to tell him he's no mental genius.



I have the laptop going - yeah!!!!!!!!

Memorial Day

Bebo and I went to the Memorial Cemetery on Sunday to visit mom and dad’s grave. The flags were out, fluttering in the breeze from the rain that sprinkled the area. There’s something about being at a cemetery in the rain, umbrellas opened against the weeping sky. Yes, it’s as if the sky were crying too. This cemetery affects me more than any other, brings a lump to my throat as I read the names of the men and women buried there. WWII, Korea, Vietnam – the list continues up to our present war. Even though a majority of these people did not die in war, they gave their all for our security, the freedoms that we take for granted every day. Monday, in the United States, is Memorial Day. A day set aside to honor those who gave their lives in time of war. Take a moment to think about those men and women who gave the ultimate sacrifice for us.

Daddy and Uncle Bill - I miss you.

DOWN AGAIN!!!!

Well, Bailey's internet access crashed AGAIN... so she's down till we can bully ATT to get a tech to her house to fix this thing. It's their fault, they can fix it! So.... she will access emails & blog on a ljmited basis again for the unforeseen future.
Sorry. Will keep you "posted".

Bebo