Too Funny

Okay, this isn’t new, isn’t mine, etc. But, it made Bebo and I laugh so hard – I thought at one point she was going to fall out of her chair. This is from The Dallas Morning News Sunday edition, June 28, 2009 – Metro Section, pg. 10B (did I cite enough sources? Please don’t sue me for copyright dealies).

David McClure of McKinney: A senior moment ... at 48?

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet – a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

David McClure teaches science and coaches at Faubion Middle School in McKinney. He is also a Teacher Voices volunteer columnist. His e-mail address is dmcclure9066@yahoo.com.


Oh, did I mention that I'm 48? I'm about 18 months away from 50 and AARP has already found me? I am sooooo writing this guy. Have a great week!!

And three to go ....

And no, that's not a pun.

There are days that you’ll remember, maybe not your entire life, but at least for a while. Thursday was one of those days. Not a lot of things can make me feel old, but the death of two icons of my teen years is one of them.

I was never a big fan of Farrah Fawcett. Oh, I didn’t dislike her, just sort of “blah”. I followed her career/life in a periphery fashion, the little boxes next to the big story. But her fight against cancer caught my eye, and my heart. I don’t think there is anyone who hasn’t lost someone to cancer. And I’m not saying that your/my loved ones didn’t fight. But here was this always fragile looking woman saying “no, I’m not going” and giving her all in the fight. I grew to admire her strength and her determination. But, as often is the case, you can’t always beat that particular devil, no matter how strong you are.



And then there was Michael. I’m going to refer to the Michael Jackson of my teen and early 20s, not the bizarre figure he became in his later years. I was a Donny Osmond fanactic! But you couldn’t ignore the other family that dominated the preteen airwaves – the Jackson Five. And there was Michael, soul’s version of Donny, and I might add the better performer. You kind of knew that he was going places. Not that Donny didn’t, but wholesome Pat Booneism will only take you so far. No, Michael became the bigger star, culminating in his iconic “Thriller” album – which I think I might still have somewhere. Michael Jackson will have a place in entertainment history – and should be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame some day.

But I said three in the title. Ed McMahon didn’t make the big headlines that Farrah and Michael did when he passed less than a week before them. He’s most known for a phrase “Heeeerrrrreeee’s Johnny”, and yet his presence in our lives also made it’s mark. Few remember he was the host of “Star Search”, and that stars such as Sawyer Brown, Britney Spears, Brad Garrett, Drew Carey got their start on the show. Publisher’s Clearing House spokesman, as well as other commercials. Yes, Ed McMahon made his mark too, probably not as big of one as the other two, but a mark nonetheless.

Sorry

Will be back on Friday with something funny. Just trying to handle "stuff" right now.

In the meantime, enjoy this:



moar funny pictures

Not funny today

I'm sorry, I know that this is supposed to be Funny Friday - but I don't feel like being funny. I wanna cry, I wanna throw things - this cold turkey stuff is (pardon the pun) for the birds. I have something that I'm supposed to do today, but honestly if I leave this place today I'm buying cigarettes - or dissolving into a puddle of tears. So, I'm going to clean house. I've got to clean the bathroom anyway - ants invaded on Wednesday and the apartment complex sent an exterminator - soooooo, I've got to clean the bathroom, scrub the countertop, etc.

Anyway, hope that Monday is better. Sheesh, forget Monday, I hope that tomorrow at work is better.

oh yeah, Wednesday ......

I don't know what is going on, but I got home last night from work and was in bed by 8:00. Yeah, me .... And I slept straight through until my alarm went off. The thing is, I could go back to sleep right now. I blame it on summer. I blame most things on summer.

Not much going on here - I'm slowly working on the current WIP titled "Casey at Bat". I've had to delete some stuff and rework some others, but I'm actually pleased with this one so far. Nick (the hero) is giving me a hard time, and I did threaten to "off" him the other night, but Ames talked me out of it. She's right, hard to have a romance without the hero - well, a heterosexual romance. LOL

Oh, and for those of you who are interested - I have 5 cigarettes left - and then I'm done. I have a bag of cherry twizzlers, lifesavers and sunflower seeds to take to work with me. I'm not happy - 'cuz I REALLY don't want to do this, but finances are forcing me to quit.

What habit (be it bad or okay) are you trying to quit?

I Twitter, therefore I am?

So yeah, I've succumbed to Twitter, and am now tweeting. See? Over there on the left of the screen? That's Twitter. Big deal, huh? But you know, I'm kinda liking it so far.

Last week was sooooo long! "How long was it Bailey?" Well, since you asked. I guess if I were used to it, or if I worked a less physically demanding job, it wouldn't have been so bad. I worked Monday - Friday 9 - 5. By the time Friday came around I was so sore - my hips and knees were a mess. I spent most of Friday going up and down the step-ladder. I didn't get a thing done at home, and spent most of today (that being Sunday) trying to rest AND catch up on chores. Thankfully, this week will be sort of back to normal.

Saturday Bebo and I went to my cousins house for a going away party. My cousin Michael is in the National Guard (Navy) and is being shipped out on his second tour overseas. We don't know exactly where or when yet, but he leaves for Gulf Port, MS at the end of this month. Please keep him and his family in your prayers.

So, what's the hardest job (either mentally or physically) that you've ever had?

Spambusters!!

Why weren’t u at party? (I wasn’t aware that spam had parties … sheesh what a concept)

I photoshopped your face. (I hope you put it on Catherine Zeta Jones’ body)

Donnez vous l’opportunite de gagner 50 instamment (Excuse me ? More illegal alien spam)

We’ve found your car. (It was missing?)

My birthday c. details. (Your birthday b boring)

Tomorrow at 6, in bar. (Tonight with a wrench in the library)

Did you see my keys? (Do they go to my car?)

Oh my, forgot keys. (See, that’s how it starts. Next you’ll be misplacing your car.)

When you feel that your virility is already dead, call us. (Penis busters!!!!)

Madonna hired butt scratcher. (You know, I kinda believe this one.)

Would you like to adopt a cheap elegant watch? (No, but for just pennies a day …..)

Waiting for you near the bus stop. (I knew there was a reason I hated bus stops.)

My Brother David

I know that I've mentioned him a few times, but I don't talk about the good things - like he's my favorite brother, always will be - he and I are the most like my mother. David had a few strokes in 2003, strokes that left him disabled - the left side of his body not functioning as well as it should. His left lung and side of diaphragm is paralyzed. A lot of the time he is on oxygen. His speech is very imperfect and his short-term memory is totally shot. But there is still something there inside of him, something that is very important to almost every member of my famiy - music. He still has the music in him.

Wanna hear?

Summer

I didn’t always hate summer. No, really, I didn’t. When I was a child I obviously loved it because school was out. But even then, I didn’t have this intense hatred of it that I have now. We moved to Texas when I was 8 years old. Before that, in Iowa, I was outside almost every day in the summer that I can remember. My best friend Barbara and I played in the woods all day, running along paths, carefully negotiating fallen logs over streams; lost in worlds of Star Trek, Batman and Dark Shadows. Staying inside and playing was the exception. My mother would buy me old prom dresses at garage sales and Barb and I would wear them while climbing trees! I can remember a typical summer day – starting out in the morning with Barb, stopping a few houses down to eat some sort of vine thing that hung from a grape(?) vine; then a the house next to that, where wild rhubarb grew under the bushes. In that same yard was a cherry tree and the people that lived there would let us climb it and eat cherries. Yeah, that was my favorite part. Then off to Barb’s where there was this tree (or very sturdy bush – but it was tall) in which we could eat these purple/bluish berries – I know this because the bottom of the gowns would be stained. Bike rides up to the corner grocery store, with a stop along the way at some elderly couple’s home – we didn’t know them – where they would give us a dime each to buy a candy bar. And mom always wondered why I wasn’t hungry. LOL We lived in a old four-square home built sometime in the mid to late 19th century – the street was done in red bricks. It was a 3 story house (remember, in the North, attics and basements are full levels – at least the basements always were. Not counting the basement in the stories though because it was underground) and I have absolutely no memory of window units, so we didn’t have a/c.

But on to Texas. My friend Karen wasn’t the tomboy that Barbara had been, but we did spend time outside riding bikes, walking to the pool. Again, no hatred of the heat – we would even play in the attic during the day! And it wasn’t until a few years after we moved that we got central a/c – until then, we had two window units and that was all. But it didn’t bother me – and I’m not just talking about asthmatically – IT DIDN’T BOTHER ME! Today, I can’t stand to be outside in the summer time unless I’m in a pool. I absolutely abhor the temps and my house reflects it – curtains and blinds are closed against the sun; no, against the heat. I have no problem with the sun at all – in fact, in the winter time my curtains are open, letting the light in; it’s only the summer heat that keeps my windows covered.

I don’t know what changed that – all I know is that the next few months are going to be absolutely miserable to me, especially now that asthma has taken over my life. I’m already longing for the temps of late autumn and I mean late autumn. My absolute highest tolerance for heat might be a day of 80, but normally its 75 tops!

Can someone please tell me why I still live in Texas?

Blinded by the Light ...

Damn internet

What’s she doing?

Looking at the light

The light?

Did I mumble?

Don’t do it Bailey, don’t go to the light!!!

Not that kind of light beebrain.

Oh, then what kind of light?

On her DSL box.

You don’t have to spell in front of me.

I wasn’t spelling. They’re initials.

For what?

I don’t know. I’ve forgotten. DS Line or something. I’m not sure what they stand for.

Maybe they’re sitting.

You are so not funny.

But I try.

Yeah, you’re really trying.

There’s a red light blinking.

Yeah, that’s what she’s watching.

She’s turning right, duck!!!!

*sigh* That’s the internet light idiot.

Why is it flashing?

How do I know?

You don’t know a lot, do you?

I know you are getting on my last nerve.

Oh, sorry. Let me know when you don’t have any more, then I won’t bother you.

Why don’t you just not bother me now?

What would be the fun of that?

Oh, I don’t know, maybe keep me from strangling you?

Oh don’t, ‘cuz I would be the one seeing the light then.

Ernie, you’ll never see the light, trust me ….

I owe, I owe ....

It's back to work I go ...... for the first time since last Wednesday. I am so tired, but I only have 2 days and then off Friday. I can do it. I'm debating as to whether I should take a book or the crosswords with me. Going to take it easy today and only do what I have to - check out customers and take in books, otherwise I'm sitting on my ass. This prednisone is kicking my ass, although I slept better last night than I did Monday - when I got to sleep. I'm hyper and overheated - not a wonderful combination. Filling in for a co-worker on Monday, which means I'm facing five 8 hour shifts in a row next week. Sheesh. Bailey will not be a happy camper.

So, what are looking forward to today - this week - next week? Please let it be a lot more fun than I'm going to have.

Is it Winter already?

Please, please let it be winter!!! No? Damn. Well, the doctor confirmed my diagnosis of asthma - BUT there is a bit of bronchitis interacting with it. So I am on prednisone (don't mess with me), a zip pack, and nebulizer/inhalers. Fun. Oh, and did I mention that I'm off work until Wednesday WITHOUT pay?? Yeah.

So, besides this being Bailey has gone into poverty day - it's also the birthday of two of my furbabies:

Mr. Seamas - aka Bubba the Red-necked kitty - is 6!

And my little Baileyboo - aka BooBear - is 4!

There will be ....

a blog later on. I'm not any better so am off to the doctor now. Check back later.