Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Pet Lovers Manifesto

I've seen some of these before, but it's worth repeating. Happy Halloween!

- When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
- The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
- Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
- Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
- It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Strange Day

Had a very pleasant Sunday. My mother’s sister Alice came in and she, Bebo and I had a nice lunch. I hadn’t seen my Aunt Alice since January, so it was wonderful to catch up with her, but at the same time it was kind of sad. She and mother were best friends, and she was married to my favorite uncle who we lost in January. It was … different. There’d been many potluck dinners in this house over the years, but never with just three people. It’ll take some getting used to. Cowboys didn’t play today, so no football to write about, so I guess this is it.

Friday, October 26, 2007

The Adventures of Huckleberry Spam

Trust our wonder-medicine and your penis will surprise you. (Surprise will be putting it mildly.)
Congratulations, you have been chosen to enjoy. (Enjoy what? Or am I to be enjoyed? Calling Hugh Jackman!)
Funny isn’t it? (I don’t think it’s funny.)
I’ve never laughed so hard! (You think it would be funny that Hugh Jackman might enjoy me?)
No offense. (No offense taken.)
Still upset about it? (I just consider the source.)
Get bigger and larger errections quickly. (By adding an “r”?)
Thank you for your time. (Don’t mention it. I mean it, please don’t mention it.)

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

A Woman's Ass

From Susan:

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting:
25% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

Saturday, October 20, 2007


October has been a tough month for my family. Both of my parents died in October. Saturday night, Bebo’s father passed away. We hate October. He’d been in hospice for a couple of weeks and his body finally gave out. So now Bebo has been through this hospice thing three times. Even though they were her in-laws, she took good care of my parents while they were in hospice. Death was not what she wanted to become an expert of. Please say a little prayer for her.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Ethan Spam

Hey you. (What?)
Your life. (What about it?)
Go nightmare. (Says who?)
Be strong, don’t worry. (I’m getting advice from spam?)
I’ll never let you down. (Great, spam Dear Abby.)
Drink it, forget it! (That’s the best advice you have?)
You’ll thank me later. (I doubt it.)
I appreciate you, friend. (Gee, how sickly sweet.)

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Bath Tub Test

Got this from Bebo:

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"

Monday, October 15, 2007

It's Been a Year

Sunday has been a difficult day, the first anniversary of my mother’s death. Bebo and I went out to the cemetery this morning, but then she had a family thing she had to attend so I spent the day alone. Mother has constantly been on my mind, flashbacks to her last day. I would have thought that after a year the ache would ease, but it hasn’t. My mother was so much a part of my life, my support in times of need. We were very close. Now I start my second year without her and I can only hope that it’s better than the last. Thanks for putting up with my bit of self-pity, you are true friends.

Friday, October 12, 2007

The Old Man and the Spam

You’ll love this. (What now?)
With the help of our system you could become the man that you have always wanted. (I could become Hugh Jackman?)
Don’t understand why. (Because Hugh Jackman is “the man”.)
You will get noticed. (I believe it.)
October 78% off. (You can do that?)
It’s Kelly here, we should catch up sometime. (I know, I’ve been a bad blogster.)
Need to buy medications but don’t know where? (Um, try a drugstore.)
This is unbelievable! (They’ve been around for a while.)

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Wednesday Jokes

These are from Susan:

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning." They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Manhattens.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station.We'll never forget you.'

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices as a beautiful blonde woman waves at him and says hello. He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

Monday, October 08, 2007

It's Monday

On Sunday Bebo and I watched Room 1408 and Fantastic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer. Both were good movies. If you like Stephen King you’ll enjoy Room 1408 and of course FF was full of great action.

On a sad note, one year ago today we put mom in hospice. It doesn’t seem like it’s been a year – she died on the 14th. I still miss her so much.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Spam and Sensibility

Great to be back. (yeah, a week without spam is a … week without spam.)
You okay now? (Feeling lots better, thank you.)
What can we offer you? (A million bucks would make me feel a whole lot better.)
You’ve received a postcard from a neighbor. (Are they looking for their alarm clocks?)
Pay attention, this one is moving. (Not after I bury it.)
If you do not tell, I will not. (Promise.)
Who will know? (The neighbors are getting a little suspicious.)
I think it is time. (Just don’t tell the neighbors.)

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

The Druggist

From Lis:

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone".

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up."

"I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket."

"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook".

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. All the while, the phone was still ringing."

"When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

Monday, October 01, 2007

I'm Back

I’m finally beginning to feel better and will probably return to work on Tuesday. I know I have a couple of emails to answer, but it’s been a long day and I’m wiped out. I’ll answer y’all tomorrow. Got out today – went to Bebo’s and watched the Dallas Cowboys go 4 – 0 in a victory over St. Louis (yahoo!). The team is looking pretty good, especially our quarterback Tony Romo.

I know this is a short post, but I’m really tired. I hope you have a good week and I’ll talk to ya on Wednesday.