Is Anything Real?

What’s she doing?

Looking for a heroine for her story.

Oh no!!!!!! Don’t do it Bailey!!!!

What? What’s the matter Ern?

No matter how bad it appears, don’t, don’t turn to drugs …

Ern .. not that heroine … heroine, like in a female hero.

Wouldn’t a female hero be transgendered?

*Bud shakes imaginary head*  You totally drive me nuts

No I don’t, they won’t let me have a license.

I’m ignoring the last bit of this conversation.

Yeah, like you always ignore me.

I wish.  Anyway, she’s looking for a lady for her hero to fall in love with.  She’s looking for Casey.

You mean as in “Casey at Bat”?  Kinda hard to have a book without the title character.  Even I can figure that out.

Then that makes it a major “duh”.  So, she’s clicking through pictures, trying to find …

STOP!!!  That’s her!!!

Ern, that’s a mannequin.

No, I’m sure it’s a female .. and I don’t care if she’s kin or not …

*Bud buries imaginary head in hands*  No, a mannequin .. a plastic doll that’s used to show clothes in department stores.

Oh, a model …

Close .. anyway, she’s not real

That’s what you keep telling me .. that we’re not real.  So if we’re not real and we speak to folks, and she’s not real …..

No Ern, can’t do it.  A mannequin can not be the heroine in a romance novel.

Can too .. I saw it in a movie …

Movies aren’t real …

Would you stop that!!!!  Is anything real???

Well Descartes, that is a good question …

What cart?  The lunch cart????

Say bye Ern ….

By Ern …..

Why I Didn't Do a Blog Post on Wednesday, by Bud and Ernie

She’s been tweeting.

Tweeting? Like a bird?

No, tweeting as in to tweet.

Or not to tweet …

Are you listening to me?

I always listen to you …

Yeah, right. What did I just say then?

Yeah, right ….

Ernie ….

That’s my name, don’t screw it up.

Why do I put up with you?

Because the Easter Bunny isn’t talking to you any more?

She is too!

Whatever ….. so this blog thing is late huh?

Like I said, she’s been tweeting.

Would bird seed help?

It’s not tweeting, like birds do, although I guess it’s based on that, but not really and … don’t confuse me.

Why not? You confuse me all of the time.

Because it’s so easy to do.

If I had an eye, I’d give you the stink one right now.

Listen, I think I hear your mom calling you ..

You do?

Yeah, and she’s getting on the bus to go to Candyland.

Without me?

Looks like it.

Mooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!

Wait, Ernie! You didn’t say goodbye to the nice folks! Oh well, y’all have a nice day, I know I will …. I get to be alone with my own voice. Maybe I'll call the Easter Bunny? *snicker*

And the Walls Close In

Why are they pink?

What?

The walls.

Look kinda grey to me.

Not the walls of her brain, the walls of this blog.

Oh, well, um, she likes pepto bismal?

We have to do something about this.

We? As in you and me?

No, me and Eleanor Roosevelt …

You know Eleanor?

No I don’t …

Then why did you say that?

I was kidding, you know, like making a joke.

I didn’t get it.

You rarely do.

Oh yes I do Ernie!

When?

When what?

When do you get a joke?

When someone tells me a good one.

When someone … ? Oh nice Bud.

That was a good one wasn’t it?

Yeah, that was a good one.

Do I get 2 points?

2 points? K, what are you going to do with these points?

I’m going to trade them in for stamps.

Stamps?

Yeah, to buy things with.

They don’t do that anymore.

They do in my world.

That’s right, you do live in your own little world, don’t you.

Yep, my friends are here.

That’s nice Bud. So what are you going to buy with these stamps.

New walls for this blog.

That would work. Say goodbye to the nice folks Bud.

Goodbye to the nice folks Bud.

Some things never change.

Bud and Ernie have their say ....

What's she doing Bud?

Writing a note to herself.

What does it say?

Can't you read it?

No, your fat head is in the way.

Ern ....

What does it say???

"Don't forget to write your blog"

She has to remind herself?

Lately she does.

She should write the blog instead of writing the note.

No chit Sherlock, tell me something I don't know.

I'm wearing my underwear backward.

Why did you tell me that?

You said to ...

But not that. I didn't need to know that!

So, it's on a need to know basis?

You could say that.

I just did.

Come on, we have to give her ideas ...

She gets enough ideas.

No, for the blog.

Write about me!

No one wants to know about you.

Elsie in the humor department does?

Why? So she can have more material?

She sews?

No, material .. as in stuff to laugh about.

Hey, I resemble that remark.

You don't resemble anything, you're a voice.

You keep saying that! I'm getting tired of you telling me that I'm nothing.

I'm only a voice too.

You are?

Yeah.

Bud?

Yes Ern.

I love you ...

Oh sheesh .....

Bud and Ernie

In case anyone is new to this blog then you need to know that Bud and Ernie are the voices in my head. They're the ones that say "are you sure you turned off the oven" when you are 6 blocks from home. The little niggling voices that cast doubt upon every move you make ... well, okay, they're just plain voices, no point in trying to to make them "normal". Anyway ....

I'm Archibald Woodfin Dimwittie, IV

He's Buuuuud, Bud.

Ern ....

And I'm Ernest P. Saddlehopper.

What does the P stand for?

Petunia ...

That figures.

Hey, how have you been pal???

Um, fine Ern. I've been right here.

Oh right. Hey Brandy!!!! How have you been?

Leave them out of this.

Why? They're staring at us.

They're not staring, they're reading.

What are they reading?

Our words you moron.

Oh, on the screen?

Yeah, those.

Who puts those there?

She does.

Oh yeah, she ... where has SHE been?

In that other part of the brain ....

Ohhh, the south side. Doesn't she know it's dangerous down there?

It's not really dangerous Ern, it's just ...

The South Side. They think there.

You have a point. For you that would be dangerous.

Yeah ... hey!

Thinking and not creating ....

The South side ....

Say bye Ernie.

Nobody will hear you scream ...

Ern, say goodbye.

Goodbye ....

Imagination is a writers friend

BOOGEDY BOOGEDY BOOOOO

Bless you

Huh?

You sneezed, didn't you?

No, I was singing.

Sounded like sneezing to me. What song was that.

Well Bud, it's one that I thought up myself.

You can't do that Ernie.

I can't? Why not.

Voices have no imagination.

We don't?

Nope, Bailey imagines us, and it all comes from her mind.

Can't she imagine that I've imagined a song?

I imagine that she might be able to imagine you imagining a song, but that's really beyond all imagination.

Imagine that!

Yeah.

What if I imagined there was no heaven?

You couldn't even if you tried.

Oh, so everything we think, everything we say ... that's Bailey?

Yeppers

Poor girl

And she's even on meds.

What is she imagining now?

She's imagining that you are saying goodbye Ernie

Okay, goodbye Ernie

Ummmmm

Ummm

Yeah Bud?

Weren’t we supposed to do something today?

I don’t know, let me check my calendar.

What’s that?

A calendar – it gives you the days of the week, the months, everything. You should try it.

I know that moron, I meant what is that ON your calendar?

Oh, those are the “voices” calendar girls.

Voices don’t have bodies Ern. There’s nothing there but bathing suits – it’s like the invisible woman meets Victoria’s Secret.

Yeah?

Then what’s the point?

The money went to the “voices” orphan’s fund.

First, we’ll disregard the fact that voices don’t have money and ask: What is that?

Voices whose authors ignore them.

Lot of that going around?

Yeah, it’s summer. I happen to know that Jill Shalvis is staring at a blank screen right now.

How do you know that?

‘Cuz her muse told me.

You talk to The Shalvis’ muse?

I talk to all of them – a lot of muses.

Where?

E-harmomuse.com

I had to ask …. Tell the folks to have a nice weekend Ernie.

Have a nice weekend Ernie!

Blinded by the Light ...

Damn internet

What’s she doing?

Looking at the light

The light?

Did I mumble?

Don’t do it Bailey, don’t go to the light!!!

Not that kind of light beebrain.

Oh, then what kind of light?

On her DSL box.

You don’t have to spell in front of me.

I wasn’t spelling. They’re initials.

For what?

I don’t know. I’ve forgotten. DS Line or something. I’m not sure what they stand for.

Maybe they’re sitting.

You are so not funny.

But I try.

Yeah, you’re really trying.

There’s a red light blinking.

Yeah, that’s what she’s watching.

She’s turning right, duck!!!!

*sigh* That’s the internet light idiot.

Why is it flashing?

How do I know?

You don’t know a lot, do you?

I know you are getting on my last nerve.

Oh, sorry. Let me know when you don’t have any more, then I won’t bother you.

Why don’t you just not bother me now?

What would be the fun of that?

Oh, I don’t know, maybe keep me from strangling you?

Oh don’t, ‘cuz I would be the one seeing the light then.

Ernie, you’ll never see the light, trust me ….

Can my face hurt any worse?

So, I have the sinus headache from hell. I'm just going to post my notes from the Yellow Rose luncheon on Saturday and tell you more about it on Wednesday.


What's she doing?

Sitting at a workshop, so be quiet.


I'm always quiet.

Shhhh

What's it about?

Writing.

She's listening to someone talk about writing?

yes

Shouldn't they be writing?

Huh?

Writing about writing.

Then they would be reading.

Oh

I thought you were going to be quiet?

I am quiet.

Yeah, and Queen Elizabeth loves to do the Rumba.

She does?

No moron.

Well why did you say she did?

It was an example.

An example of lying?

Are you going to be quiet?

I'm being quiet.

Shhhhh

*mumbles* Liar

Once More with Feeling ....

BBBBBBBuuuuddd

What?

BBBBBBuuuuuudddddd

What Ernie?

BBBBBuuuuuddddddd!!!!

Would you shut up!

You don’t have to be mean about it. All I was doing was calling your name.

I was having a wonderful evening until I was interrupted.

By who?

You.

A flock of sheep interrupted you?

No, you – y o u.

It’s okay Bud, you don’t have to spell in front of me.

Maybe I should spell behind you.

B e h i n d

Stop that!

What were you doing Bud?

Sun worshipping with Cindy Crawford.

Wow, sounds like you were having more fun than I was.

What were you doing?

Visiting Paris Hilton’s head.

Why?

I wanted to be alone.

That would do it.

I think I have the swine flu.

Good grief, what makes you think that?

I’ve been oinking.

That’s not swine flu.

It isn’t?

No, it isn’t.

Then why do I keep rolling around in the mud?

I’ve been asking myself that for a long time.

Well?

Well what?

Did you ever answer yourself?

There is no answer, it just …. is.

Some things are like that.

Some things are better off left alone.

Yeah, like worm pudding.

Definitely worm pudding.

Especially when it’s a day old.

Where did you get worm pudding?

I made it.

Why?

‘Cuz I had to do something with all of those worms I found in the mud.

Of course you did, why do I even ask.

‘Cuz you’re looking for intelligent answers?

Obviously I’ve been asking the wrong person, or should I say voice.

You get what you pay for.

Like I said ….

Spam Mail

Dear Spam,

I don’t know what I did to make you turn away from me, but whatever it was …. I’m sorry. …..

What’s she doing?

Writing a letter to spam.

Why?

It up and left her. Now they are going to Bebo’s inbox.

Really? That hussy.

Remember those wonderful days full of dicks that could chop firewood? The halcyon days of where it was as tall as the Eiffel Tower? Or as long as the distance between New York and Los Angeles?

What’s halcyon?

I think it’s one of those psychedelic words.

She on drugs?

Obviously. She’s writing to spam, isn’t she?

Was it the alarm clocks? Did I take too many? What if I gave you a map to where they are all buried?

No Bailey!! Don’t confess!!!

Sgt. Preston is gonna come and get you ….

Or those men in the white coats.

Waiters?

I wish you would tell me what I did. Bebo can’t give you what I can, she won’t make you famous, er, infamous, or whatever. She’ll never appreciate you the way I do.

This is embarrassing. She’s begging spam.

Not as embarrassing as talking to something that isn’t real.

Ernie? We’re not real.

We’re not?

For the hundredth time moron, no. We’re figments of her imagination.

You mean, like spam?

Not exactly. You see, spam is real.

Spam is real and we’re not?

I know, it’s scary isn’t it?

I don’t know if this will reach you or not, but I wanted to give it a try. I need you spam, I need your misspelled words, your bad grammar, your completely insane logic. I even need your out of proportion body parts. Leave Bebo and come back to me.

Shane!!!

Spam has a name?

No, that’s a movie quote.

Bailey is talking to spam and you’re quoting movies?

Like it’s really going to make any difference, considering that she’s writing a letter to someone in Taiwan?

You have a point.

Please come back to me.

Sincerely,
Bailey Stewart

And Bud.

What?

I miss spam too.

Oh, what the heck. And Ernie too.

One of Those Days ...

So, it’s Friday. Yepper, that’s what it is, it’s Friday. In case you didn’t catch that, I’m calling it Friday. No spam. Not even a YouTube thingy. I tried the YouTube thingy, but despite my deleting files, etc, I’m evidently out of space and the YouTube stuff won’t load. What a bunch of crock. Everything is giving me problems because of this space problem. I’ve put pictures on flash drives, deleted files – what more can I do? If I click on the little balloon thing and have the computer do this compress files thing – it won’t do anything. The box will come up, start configuring things and then 4 hours later it’s still sitting there. Technology hates me.


Technokarm

Huh?

She has technokarm

Is there a vaccination for that?

Not really. In her case, it’s fatal.

Really?

Yeah, technology hate her.

My mother hates me.

I believe that.

If you could see me, you’d see a dirty look.

Then take a bath.

What’s technokarm?

Technology karma

Oh, it’s biting her in the ass, huh?

And wouldn’t you know it, that’s the most action she’s seen in a while.

I’m not sure I want to know that.

I’m just saying …

What’s she doing now?

It looks like she’s rummaging for a hammer.

A hammer …?

Wait, she’s coming for the computer!!

Duck ……….

The Voice

I’m not talking about the voices in my head; this isn’t another Bud and Ernie blog post. I’m talking about the voice of an author, the voice that makes one writer’s work different from another. It’s what makes King different from Koontz, Roberts from Krentz, Shalvis from Crusie; the voice is what makes it possible for a reader to pick of a page, read it and know immediately who wrote it. The distinctive voice of the narrator, the haunting turn of a beautiful phrase – all of this contributes to the voice of a writer. When I began my journey on this long and winding road, I had so many mixed voices in my head. I wanted to be John Jakes, Janet Dailey, Stephen King – I wanted to be all of the wonderful books that I had read. I’ve tried many different voices throughout the years, some fit, and others didn’t. But in writing this blog, I’ve discovered that voice which is mine alone. I am a romantic comedy writer. It’s not that I’m unable to write serious material, no, it’s that I’m more comfortable with the lighter tone, the giggle instead of the tear. That’s okay. I’m never going to write that great multi-generational John Jake historical epic. My horror stories may resemble Charlaine Harris more than Stephen King, Sci-fi writer Jim Butcher instead of Isaac Asimov. Deep, intense subjects may be the form I read, but not that which I write. But that’s the kind of writer I am, I write comedy. I came to this conclusion a few years ago when I was attempting to write a blog post – a rambling bit about nothing, except aimless snickers and the occasional toss out – the laugh. That’s where my mind goes. Well, that and the gutter, but that’s okay too – who doesn’t like a little dirty joke every once in a while, huh? And I have you my readers to thank for this. You have laughed when I needed you to, responded to what I meant for you to, and encouraged that which is a vital part of who I am. Comedy and love.

Thank you.

Oh, and btw - I have a new blog to remember not to go to, or is that to forget to go to? Either way, there's a new blog in town and it's over in my blog list to the right. Just Taking Dictation is the new blog of a good friend of ours and my co-hort in whatever trouble I get in to. Yeah, Bebo, aka Beverly. Go and take a look, I dare you.

They put that where? .... Again .... and you let them???

Originally published November 28, 2008

Stuffed. And I don’t mean with stuffing either. I’m.going.to.pop. And that won’t be pleasant so everybody ruuuuunnnnn!!!

I had a really great time at Bebo’s – good food, good times, good company. I hope everyone had as good of a Thanksgiving as I did.

So, where’s spam? That’s what I keep asking … where is it? My spam box is filled with boring credit report, *v*i*a*g*r*a messages and bank updating information. Seems the phishers are having more fun than I am. What ever happened to “you can chop a log with your dick”? Or “your neighbors have lost their alarm clock”? Where have the days of penis enlargement and grammatically challenging sentences gone? The economy is sucking the life out of the only real source of amusement I get now days. It’s not fair I tell you, not fair at all!

And what is with this weather??? It snowed in Australia this week. One week before summer. Here it’s November 27 and we’ve barely had cool weather. I think the spammers are responsible. At least that’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.



This is boring …

Shhh, give her a moment; she’ll get into the swing.

About as well as an elephant on a vine.

What?

You heard me.

That’s what I was afraid of.

That you heard me?

No, that I understood what you were saying.

Did you just insult me?

Who? Me? I wouldn’t do that.

That’s what I thought.

At least, not that you would notice.

I think I resemble that remark.

You don’t resemble anything.

Yes I do!

No you don’t! I’ve told you, you’re not real.

I’m not?

No, you’re a figment of her imagination.

That’s scary.

Tell me about it – you would hope she had a better imagination than that.

You did it again.

What?

Insulted me.

No, that was a figment of your imagination.

It was?

Yeah, you’re always imagining that I’m insulting you.

Bud?

What?

Will you tell me when you’re really insulting me?

Of course Ern, that’s what friends are for.

I thought they were to carry you home from the bar.

That too.

Goodnight Bud.

Goodnight Ern.

The Bud and Ernie Show

JoAnn said that this is a fun blog to read.

JoAnn who?

Ross

Well, it's obvious she hasn't been here recently.

Yeah, that's true. Even Bailey doesn't come here.

Yes she does.

She does?

Who do you think posts the stuff, Amelia Earhart?

Might as well, she comes, posts and then disappears. Bruwhahahahahahahaha

You're weird

Me? Only on days that end in "y"

That's ... oh, I have to agree with that one.

I'm finished

With what?

My Christmas list

You've finished your shopping?

No, my list for Santa

You made a list for Santa?

That's what I said. Having trouble reading lately?

I just find it strange that a voice would make a list for Santa.

And you don't find it strange that a voice would shop for Christmas presents?

Smart ass

Awww, that's sweet

What?

That was my mother's nickname for me

Why do I believe that?

'Cuz I just told you?

Just what is on this list of yours?

I want a Bratz Doll

That might be a problem now

Why?

Seems Mattel is being a "bratz" about it.

Was that a pun?

Clever boy. What else?

Peace on earth

Now isn't that ... oh, yeah. Okay. Peace on earth would be nice.

Wait, there was a blob of mayo on the list. That actually says "a piece of earth".

For crying out loud, why would you want a piece of earth? And how do you get a piece.

How you get a piece is between you and whatever girl you're with ....

Ernie!!!

That's my name, don't wear it out.

Believe me, I won't. Say goodnight Ernie.

Goodnight Ernie

They Put That Where .... ?

Stuffed. And I don’t mean with stuffing either. I’m.going.to.pop. And that won’t be pleasant so everybody ruuuuunnnnn!!!

I had a really great time at Bebo’s – good food, good times, good company. I hope everyone had as good of a Thanksgiving as I did.

So, where’s spam? That’s what I keep asking … where is it? My spam box is filled with boring credit report, *v*i*a*g*r*a messages and bank updating information. Seems the phishers are having more fun than I am. What ever happened to “you can chop a log with your dick”? Or “your neighbors have lost their alarm clock”? Where have the days of penis enlargement and grammatically challenging sentences gone? The economy is sucking the life out of the only real source of amusement I get now days. It’s not fair I tell you, not fair at all!

And what is with this weather??? It snowed in Australia this week. One week before summer. Here it’s November 27 and we’ve barely had cool weather. I think the spammers are responsible. At least that’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.



This is boring …

Shhh, give her a moment; she’ll get into the swing.

About as well as an elephant on a vine.

What?

You heard me.

That’s what I was afraid of.

That you heard me?

No, that I understood what you were saying.

Did you just insult me?

Who? Me? I wouldn’t do that.

That’s what I thought.

At least, not that you would notice.

I think I resemble that remark.

You don’t resemble anything.

Yes I do!

No you don’t! I’ve told you, you’re not real.

I’m not?

No, you’re a figment of her imagination.

That’s scary.

Tell me about it – you would hope she had a better imagination than that.

You did it again.

What?

Insulted me.

No, that was a figment of your imagination.

It was?

Yeah, you’re always imagining that I’m insulting you.

Bud?

What?

Will you tell me when you’re really insulting me?

Of course Ern, that’s what friends are for.

I thought they were to carry you home from the bar.

That too.

Goodnight Bud.

Goodnight Ern.

OH NO, I ALMOST FORGOT!!!!!

About to close down the computer and get to bed when I remembered that it was Sunday night and I hadn't done the blog post yet. Can we all say "OOPS"? So I searched my emails and found this one from both JJ and Bebo. Hope you enjoy. And yes, this was one of my inspirations for Bud and Ernie.




Subject: If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today . You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us (like me) who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks, I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.



ABBOTT: Mac?





COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.





ABBOTT: Your computer?




COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.



ABBOTT: Mac?



COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.



ABBOTT: What about Windows?



COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?



ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?



COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?



ABBOTT: Wallpaper.





COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?





COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business

. What do you have?



ABBOTT: Office.



COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?



ABBOTT: I just did.



COSTELLO: You just did what?



ABBOTT: Recommend something.



COSTELLO: You recommended thing?



ABBOTT: Yes.



COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes.



COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.



COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?



ABBOTT: Word.



COSTELLO: What word?



ABBOTT: Word in Office.



COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.



ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.



COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?



ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".



COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?



ABBOTT: Money.



COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?



ABBOTT: Money.



COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?



ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.



COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?



ABBOTT: Money.



COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?



ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.



COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?



ABBOTT: One copy.



COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?



ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.



COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?



ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!



A few days later.



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?



COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?



ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

Oh Pain What a Wednesday It Be

Hello bloggers
Hello lurkers
Here I am again
Going beserkers
While my muses
Are in the tropics
I’m stuck looking
For a topic.

What’s she doing?

Writing her blog.

Shouldn’t she have her hands on the keyboard?

Technicalities, technicalities.

So Bud, what did you do this summer?

Skied in the Alps, ran with the bulls, paraglided off the cliffs in Mexico. What about you Ern?

Oh, I had two corns removed and a bikini wax.

That’s it?

They were huge corns.

I don’t even want to know about the bikini wax.

Brazilian.

Thank you for that picture.

Where did all of these cobwebs come from?

Place has been empty for a while.

Whoo, you mean no one’s been home?

Nope, but they left this light bulb going.

Kind of dim.

Why are you out of breath?

Had to take the stairs.

What about the elevator?

Wouldn’t go all the way to the top.

Maaan, this head is getting to be a bit run down.

You’re telling me. I think that’s grass growing in her ears.

Notice something?

I notice a lot of things.

None of them important.

What?

She only pulls us out when she has nothing to blog about.

You mean we’re a crutch?

Yep.

Does that mean her brain is broken?

There are some that think so.

Well I love her.

That’s ‘cuz your brain is broken too.

Hey! I resemble that remark.

Ern?

What Bud?

Tell the nice people to have a good day.

What nice people?

The ones reading this.

You mean there are people out there?

So they say.

Can they see me?

No, you’re just a voice to them.

Good, ‘cuz my wax is growing back.

Ernie, are you nekkid again?

Yeppers.

*sigh* Have a nice day Ernie.

You have a nice day too Bud.

We're Baaaaack

For the uninitiated, these are the voices in my head. Be afraid, be very afraid.

What’s that?

It’s a cat. They’re all over the place.

I haven’t seen that much fur since Robin Williams.

You’re disgusting.

Thanks.

That wasn’t a compliment.

It wasn’t?

It’s nice to be back.

Where have we been?

I don’t know about you but I’ve been in the Bahamas.

And you picked now to come back?

Why?

It’s, like, 40 degrees out there.

Thank you, I hadn’t noticed.

It’s a little hard …

I was being facetious.

I’m Swedish.

Facetious isn’t a thing, it’s a … oh, never mind.

Although my mother’s family was Irish.

Do I look like I care?

How can I tell? We don’t have faces.

That was just an expression.

An expression of what?

Of my undying love and gratitude.

Oh thank … you’re being that thing again, aren’t you?

Facetious? How could you tell?

You should be nicer to me.

Why ever for?

It’s the Christmas season.

And?

Love and joy to your fellow man.

You’re right. I’m sorry. Merry Christmas Ern.

Merry Christmas Bud.

Oy

Good news: I’m not so dizzy anymore.
Bad news: Now I have a head cold/sinus – fungus is very, very high and I’m a stuffed up/draining, sneezing little fool. But I’ll make it.

And furthermore, my characters have been giving me hell.

You can say that again.

Excuse me, this is my blog.

I don’t care if it’s the bloody Tower of London. Somebody is planning the ol’ switcheroo.

No, really? *gasp*

Don’t think I’m not paying attention. Did you really believe I’d let you get away with this. Operation: Eden is my book, not my wuss of a brother’s.

You have no idea what you’re talking about. Just hold those pretty little horses of yours …

Honey, that’s not all I’m going to be holding. Eden is my girl.

Nobody said otherwise.

But you’re switching characters. You said so yourself.

Where’d you hear that.

I read it, right on this blog.

No one gave you permission to read this blog.

Sure they did.

Who?

Bud and Ernie.

The Satellite Twins have no say in the matter. They’re just characters too.

Don’t tell them that.

Hey, they’re lucky I didn’t keep them as figments of my imagination. If they keep this up, that’s where they’ll be heading. Just a couple of voices in my head. And as for you …

I get the girl.

Of course you get the girl.

I do? I don’t understand, I thought you were switching the characters.

I am.

But I’m still going to get the girl?

Oh yeah, you’re going to get it all right.