Friday, November 30, 2007

Just so You'll Know

I stole this from Ames, who stole it from ... oh never mind.

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A Night in the Stewart Household

The house was quiet as I sat huddled in my big ol’ chair reading my latest favorite Shalvis book, The Trouble With Paradise. Giggling, entranced by the words before me I barely registered you sliding up beside me until your tongue slicked into my ear.

“Stop that” I said, pushing you away.

Again your tongue flicked across my lobe.

“Not now, I’m reading” I pushed as I shuddered from the wetness.

I could feel your eyes boring through the book, but I ignored you and soon became immersed once again. You were silent and I forgot your presence. You left me to my book and I settled into the silence of the house and the pleasure of the story. Then a sound caught me and I looked up and slammed the book down.

“Aidan! Quit eating the tree!” I shouted across the room. As usual, you ignored me and continued nibbling on the branch, a hairs breath away from my favorite cat ornament.

“Aidan!” I half rose from my seat and you swung around, fluffy tail held high, slid against the wall and on down the hall.

I picked up the book, settled back down into the chair and began to read again. But I knew you’d be back, fluffy tail, tongue and all.

Jingle Spam

Don’t be shy to order. (Oh, I’m never shy about ordering.)
Skorsky. (And Hutch)
Hot sex with Viagra pills. (I’d rather have sex with Hugh Jackman, thank you.)
Please be informed that you should be extremely careful choosing your penis. (I’m always careful choosing my penis … )
Have hot sex now. (Right this minute?)
Toni tried this and is hoping you will be interested. (She did not! Stop that!)
Men think with their pants, not their heads. (No, they think with the head they have in their pants, not the pants themselves. Sheesh)
Your penis will be so big she will take it for the bridge over the river. (To grandmother’s house we go …)
She will necessarily say: “Such big!” (Oooh la la)

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


I got 1685 on Christmas Hangman!!!!!

Free Thinking

That’s Bubba with his “Who, me?” look on his face. It’s been a while since I’ve posted a picture of one of my cats and this is one of my favorites.

So I sit here tonight waiting for Dancing With the Stars to come on and what do I find while channel surfing? It’s a Charlie Brown Christmas! Even though I have it on DVD, I’m still watching it, commercials and all. It’s what I call “found treasure”. You know, you’re channel surfing and come across something that you love and didn’t know was on?

BooBear is cuddled up against me, his favorite position. He’s been getting under the blanket and yesterday he did something that he’s never done in his whole 2 years. He got on my lap. Yep, crawled up there and settled himself in under the blanket. I was afraid to move because I know that my skittish baby would run off. The phone rang, which scared him away, but wouldn’t you know it – he got right back up there. I was amazed. BooBear was brought into the house at the age of around 4 months (he was part of the feral group outside), and because he had ringworm, he spent the next month in a cage, so he was almost 6 months old before he was held and cuddled. He doesn’t like to be picked up and carried and he cuddles on his own terms. He’s afraid of almost everything.

I’m reading The Trouble With Paradise by The Shalvis. Reading, reviewing … can actual writing be far behind? It’s been so long since I’ve written.

That’s it for this Tuesday night, and all the random thoughts I can come up with. Hope your Wednesday is a good one.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Baby It's Cold Outside

It’s cold outside. Honest. I know it’s not cold compared to my compadres up North, but highs in the lower 40s are still cold nonetheless. And I’m trying to keep my bills down, so I’m sitting here with an electric blanket over me and my little heater running. If you go stand next to the heater, it’s 50 degrees. But only if you stand next to it. I’ve also become the most popular mom in the world. The cats love the electric blanket, to the point that they often trap me in it. That has an unusual side-effect. They get me tucked in and then I’m like the little kid that you just got the snowsuit on and then they suddenly have to go potty. Yep. You try moving four cats off of you. Without using your hands. Bound in a blanket trying to cajole four contented cats to move off of the warm covering. Not that easy to do.

Christa has gotten me hooked on a new pastime. It’s called Christmas Hangmen. Originally Halloween Hangman, and then Thanksgiving Hangman. It’s like Lays chips, I can’t stop at one. Even when I learn all of the words and can get 1500 and so points, I can’t stop playing. Now they’ve switched to Christmas and I have a whole new set of words to learn. I rarely get up to 500 points now. But I’ll keep at it until I learn those damn words if it kills me. If you want to play, go here.

There’s also a new review at Isn’t it Romantic. Go check it out.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Leftover Spam

Your neighbors have lost their alarm clock. (Second verse, same as the first …)
We have something for you. (If it’s an alarm clock, don’t tell the neighbors.)
Noizuded (Bless you.)
Thank you, we are accepting your debt request. (I did not request to be in debt!)
Tspell (Wanna try that again?)
Vicky tried this and is hoping you will be interested. (Vicky did not!)
Have penis like a tower and you will have the power. (The Eiffel Tower?)
You have got to take a peek at this item. (No I don’t.)
Show this to the kids. (Isn’t there a law against that?)
With a big penis you can beat up all the other men. (Honest Officer, I was struck by a giant penis …)

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Boomer News

It’s a sad week for us American Baby Boomers. One of our commercial icons passed away. Dick Wilson died at the age of 91. Who’s Dick Wilson you say? For close to twenty years he portrayed George Whipple in the old Charmin commercials and uttered one of the best loved lines for a generation. “Ladies, please don’t squeeze the Charmin” became a part of Americana and was used in idle conversation and satirical comedy sketches. Goodbye Mr. Whipple, goodbye.

I was also hit smack in the face with my own mortality. I received an email informing me that a high school classmate had passed away. Even though this isn’t the first one, it still makes me stop in my tracks and think – we’re all getting older.

Also, since I’m not blogging on Thursday, I want to wish all who celebrate a Happy Thanksgiving. As we gather with friends and family, its important to give thanks for what we have and I give thanks for my blog friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin. Thank you.

Everyone, have a great Thanksgiving.
And Happy Birthday Bebo!

Monday, November 19, 2007

I need a little privacy, please.

Once, just once, I’d like to go to the bathroom on my own. The master bath is about the size of a closet and once you get me, Bubba, Neely Shae, Aidan and BooBear in there, it’s a pretty tight squeeze. Shut the door? Nope, the house has shifted and the door doesn’t shut all the way and Bubba has a way with his paws. “Pop” the door opens and they file in one by one. Then they fight over who gets to sit on momma’s feet. Use the main bathroom? Yeah, I could do that. The door shuts. But then Bubba (you notice it’s always him?) meows and pounds on the door like he’s going to crash in. I’m sure the noise can be heard next door. Nope, gotta let the little beasts in. Try brushing your teeth with cats surrounding the sink, blocking your access. One of these days I’ll just have them brush my teeth for me. And speaking of Bubba, try pulling your pants up with him in them. I know, TMI, but I don’t care. Once, just once, I’d like to get out of the shower without having to wipe my feet quickly and shove them into slippers before I do anything else. Why? Because Bubba (yeah, him again) likes to lick my toes and bite them. Told you he was weird. It’s okay if he licks the water on my legs, but those toes are too much of a temptation for him.

Bebo and I got the living room ready for winter this morning. I have to keep my furnace off as much as possible, so we had to make a spot for my space heater, PLUS the way the room was before made it practically impossible to watch the T.V. even with glasses! So it’s all ready. Right now we’re up in the upper 70s and lower 80s at least until Wednesday. Then a cold front comes in and on Turkey day it may not make it out of the 50s. With wood floors it can be quite cool in here. I’ll turn on the heater, snuggle in my big chair with a blanket and enjoy the Cowboy game. They won today and are 9 – 1! I can’t believe they’ve only lost one game!

I’ve filled in for a co-worker, so I’ve been in the store 3 ½ days – Saturday afternoon I began sneezing. My allergies can’t handle being in the store that much. I have to work again this Friday, but thankfully we’re closed Thursday so maybe it won’t be that bad.

Question: If you could go back and re-live one half-hour of your life (not change anything) what half-hour would you choose? I’d choose one from 1998 before my dad got bad and Alzheimer’s took over mom’s life. Just to spend a half-hour with my parent’s again.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Bleak Spam

Change your baby banana to a large banana. (Now quit monkeying around.)
Attract and meet your dream mate tonight. (Oh Hugh!)
Win real money. (As opposed to Monopoly money?)
Now you can even parade your penis. (Has anybody told Macy’s this?)
I’m so stupid, but they even call me dummy! (If the name fits …)
Now your penis will be too big to be covered by your hat. (You know, I haven’t seen a lot of men walking around with hats covering their penises.)
It’s true. (I really doubt that.)
Who will know? (Hat makers?)
From now on small breasts will never be the cause of your embarrassment. (Not if I have a penis too big to be covered by my hat.)

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


Got this from Christa:

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year Eve Party. We turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat, we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...

Monday, November 12, 2007

Reading, Reviewing and Eating, Oh My

It feels good to review again. It feels good to be reading again. Please do check out my review of Loreth Anne White’s “Seducing the Mercenary” on Isn’t It Romantic. I absolutely loved this book. And if you haven’t read the other books in the Shadow Soldiers series – Why haven’t you? And if I’m reading again, can writing be far behind?

As most of you know, I have lost 30 lbs. But for some reason I have developed a deep craving for chocolate. Bebo will tell you that I’m not a big chocolate eater, nor do I crave chocolate. But I want it, and I want it now. Don’t get in my way. So I have fallen in love. Hershey’s Hugs. If you’ve had these, well, need I say more? And if you haven’t – Why haven’t you?

Jason Evans is having another short fiction contest called Restless Dawn. If you're interested, hop on over there - Jason's contests are always fun and draws some really great entries. Even if you don't want to enter, go over there and read the entries.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Gone With the Spam

Nobody will know about your problems. (Especially if I don’t tell you.)
Are you free? (No, I’m very expensive.)
Your date is here. (Oh Hugh!)
Watch him dance. (I’ve seen him dance, he’s quite good.)
My name is. Can I ask you? (No. And I’m not telling you my problems either.)
Stick to your date. (What are you going to use, super glue?)
What do you reckon about this, Maggie would know. (Who the hell is Maggie?)
Your penis can be so big your friends could play football on it. (Now wait a minute, is that American or English football?)

Update: For some reason I can't access Bailey's email, so if you need to email me you'll have to use the old email address. If you don't have it .... well .... hmmmm.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Funny Ads

These are advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country (or so we are led to believe)
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
- For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
- Great Dames for sale.
- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
- If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Monday, November 05, 2007

It's Me

Sunday’s movie: Transformers (4 stars)

For months I thought I had a problem reading. I’ve been reading Sasha White’s “Lush” on the computer, and although I’ve been enjoying it (especially the second story), I keep having problems finishing it. Then Loreth Anne White’s “Seducing the Mercenary” came in the mail Friday and I’m almost half-way through it. What’s the difference? One is on the computer, the other in my hands. I wasn’t having a problem reading, I was having a problem with ebooks. I thought that buying the laptop would help me with this problem, but when I get on the computer I want to play games, IM, etc. – everything except read. So I apologize to Sasha, who was hoping for a review. I should have bought the book when I saw it in the store. I’m just not an ebook reader, I have to come to terms with that. I don’t think, even for the Shalvis, that I’m going to be able to read anything longer than a short story on the computer. And now that I’m on book restriction (I can’t buy any books at all), that’s going to really hurt.

Friday, November 02, 2007

The Hunchback of Notre Spam

You can fall into a room full of penises. (Date and time please.)
Too much fun. (You’re telling me?)
Every bit as fun as the real ones. (You mean they’re not real? Damn.)
Born again penises. (Born again? I never had one in the first place.)
Anything else? (I wasn’t born with wealthy parents either.)
SOLD OUT- limited offer – do you want Rolex? (If you’re sold out, how can you have a limited offer?)
Why settle for what you have? (Because I already have it?)
Remember youth? (Vaguely.)