Friday, January 28, 2011

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

As I'm recovering from the flu, once again Bebo has saved Friday Funnies. Enjoy. Oh, and I'm feeling better, mind is still a bit fuzzy and I tire easily.


Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest...

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer stun gun.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...


I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Monday, January 24, 2011

I'm feeling old ...

Age is something we can't avoid, no matter what world-famous plastic surgeon you frequent. It's the march of time that stomps over you, leaving stiletto marks across your face. Nothing can stop the passage of time. In the last few months we've lost a few people who reminds us of this very fact. David Nelson, Steve Landesberg, James MacArthur, Don Meredith, Leslie Nielsen, Jimmy Dean, Barbara Billingsley, Anne Francis, Tom Bosley, Peter Graves, Stephen J. Cannell, Rue MacClanahan (sp?), and last night Jack LaLane. To me, these icons of my youth epitomizes times endless assault. Larry King has retired, Regis Philbin is retiring this year. And time continues on .... You can slow down the aging of your body if you have the money, but you cannot stop the world around you. So put down that night cream, throw away the wrinkle eye mask and pour yourself a glass of wine ...

Friday, January 21, 2011

For the Under 40 Crowd

Bebo sent this to me .... and I must make a few changes here for the over 45 crowd .. Atari??? Atari appeared after I'd left my teen years. And there was no recording off the radio with the little built in tape player in your stereo - YOU HAD TO SET A CASSETTE RECORDER NEXT TO THE RADIO AND SET THE MICROPHONE ON TOP OF IT!!!!! Okay, back to the emal ....

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play.. all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

The Over 40 Crowd

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

So you wanna know about my writing

Well guess what? So do I. Not writing much lately, in fact I haven't done a lot of writing in months. I'm having a problem getting into the characters, into their heads; can't seem to grab the rhythm, the beat or pulse of the story that is an important part of my voice. In other words ... I can't find my voice. That's the other reason I needed to get this blog up and going again. This is where I found that part of me that is uniquely me .. my writing voice. So, in the meantime, you can ogle Nick, my hero ... no touching ... and please, wipe up the drool when you leave.

Monday, January 17, 2011

I Have a Dream

Yes, he had a dream ... and this one man acted upon his dream. He spoke everywhere and soon the one became many. He had a dream .... he didn't just sit around for others to do it for him. He advocated non-violence, lived by that creed ... and died a violent death. He had a dream ... his death spurred others to act and his dream came true.
He had a dream ....

Friday, January 14, 2011

Bud and Ernie

In case anyone is new to this blog then you need to know that Bud and Ernie are the voices in my head. They're the ones that say "are you sure you turned off the oven" when you are 6 blocks from home. The little niggling voices that cast doubt upon every move you make ... well, okay, they're just plain voices, no point in trying to to make them "normal". Anyway ....

I'm Archibald Woodfin Dimwittie, IV

He's Buuuuud, Bud.

Ern ....

And I'm Ernest P. Saddlehopper.

What does the P stand for?

Petunia ...

That figures.

Hey, how have you been pal???

Um, fine Ern. I've been right here.

Oh right. Hey Brandy!!!! How have you been?

Leave them out of this.

Why? They're staring at us.

They're not staring, they're reading.

What are they reading?

Our words you moron.

Oh, on the screen?

Yeah, those.

Who puts those there?

She does.

Oh yeah, she ... where has SHE been?

In that other part of the brain ....

Ohhh, the south side. Doesn't she know it's dangerous down there?

It's not really dangerous Ern, it's just ...

The South Side. They think there.

You have a point. For you that would be dangerous.

Yeah ... hey!

Thinking and not creating ....

The South side ....

Say bye Ernie.

Nobody will hear you scream ...

Ern, say goodbye.

Goodbye ....

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

To E or not to E, part 2

We've talked about this before, but a few years have passed so I thought it was a topic to be revisited. I want a Kindle, Nook or whatever .... many of my friends publish only in e and I would love to read their work. I've tried reading on the laptop but that doesn't work very well. I can't get comfortable enough to enjoy the book. With a reader I could curl up in bed, prop it up and read. Things have changed a lot since the world of e-books came on the scene. Big time publishers have now jumped on the train ... even Harlequin. I still enjoy books more, but my attitude towards e-books have changed. How about you? Have you now joined the e-book revolution or are you still stubbornly adhering to the printed page?

Monday, January 10, 2011

Welcome Back

It seems so long since I’ve written a blog post; I almost don’t know where to begin. Okay, right, let’s begin at the end. Thank you for giving me this time … I was really blogged out – the bloggers version of burn-out. It seems that I’m not alone. When visiting this page recently I noticed the blog roll over on the right. Either people have moved their blogs, or the majority of them have stopped altogether. There are a few die-hards still out there though. I wonder what happened … did the blog phenomenon peak and then die out? How many of you are still blogging? Do you still visit the same amount of blogs that you did a few years ago? I don’t. I don’t have the time to visit everyone anymore. That’s mostly my fault, I have the time but I’ve gone on to other activities ... away from the writing world. I’m slowly finding my way back and this blog is the first step. I just hope people show up again.

So, I’ll be blogging again … same schedule as before. Monday will be about me … all about me. Lol Wednesday will be craft day, writing, books and maybe an author will drop by (that last depends upon how much readership I get back). Then Friday, yeah Friday … Bud and Ernie, customers in my store, internet jokes/videos – yes Funny Friday will return. Of course, this can change for the occasional holiday or big event .... or whatever ....

So here we go again … I hope you show up for the ride.

Friday, January 07, 2011


Okay, okay, okay ... yeah, I know, this isn't January 3. So, I, um, I, er, yeah .. I forgot. Bud and Ernie didn't remind me. I do still plan to start this blog back up again, sooooo, how about Monday, January 10? Come on, give me another chance .. I promise, I'll show up this time.