I have walking pneumonia, so no spam today. Instead, here's a "little" joke Lis sent me. Y'all have a good weekend.
I rear ended a car this morning.....
I could tell, it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started...
Friday, September 21, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Wednesday Wit
Some more from Susan.
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your Child. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM." Signed, "The Blonde." She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
Three mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then a grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out: "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are." "There ain't no way you can guess it you old fools," he retorted. "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but curious, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up: "You're 84 years old!"
"How in the world did you guess?" asked the amazed man.
The old grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "because we were at your birthday party yesterday."
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your Child. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM." Signed, "The Blonde." She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
Three mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then a grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out: "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are." "There ain't no way you can guess it you old fools," he retorted. "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but curious, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up: "You're 84 years old!"
"How in the world did you guess?" asked the amazed man.
The old grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "because we were at your birthday party yesterday."
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Another Monday
Since Bebo spent Sunday with her family, there was no movie watched. Instead I watched the Cowboys beat the Miami Dolphins. They kind of had me worried there in the first half, but then came alive in the second half. And our defense – intercepting the Dolphins Trent Green 4 times! We’re now 2 – 0, our best start of the season for a long time. I don’t know how many of these close games in the first two quarters that I can take. I like it a lot better when we’re blowing out the score and I don’t have to fret so much – I can enjoy the game.
And tonight is the Emmy Awards – I love award shows, so I’ll be right there in front of the tube for a night of stunning dresses and long-winded acceptance speeches. Oh, and my weight loss total is up to 28 lbs. so far.
And tonight is the Emmy Awards – I love award shows, so I’ll be right there in front of the tube for a night of stunning dresses and long-winded acceptance speeches. Oh, and my weight loss total is up to 28 lbs. so far.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Moby Spam
Something smells fishy. (I think it’s you.)
This is not for idiots. (You think it takes a Ph.D. to write spam? And what college does spam go to?)
Why your last diet failed. (Could have been the Twinkies.)
Save money on unwanted auto repairs. (Aren’t all repairs unwanted?)
Be our guest! You have been invited to stay with us for free. (No, no – to stay with you, I’d have to be paid.)
Cialis is the gift sent from above. (God provides Cialis?)
This is too crazy. (Now you’re using your brain.)
Thought this might help. (Using your brain was short-lived.)
Nefarious cowboy. (But my heroes have always been cowboys.)
This is not for idiots. (You think it takes a Ph.D. to write spam? And what college does spam go to?)
Why your last diet failed. (Could have been the Twinkies.)
Save money on unwanted auto repairs. (Aren’t all repairs unwanted?)
Be our guest! You have been invited to stay with us for free. (No, no – to stay with you, I’d have to be paid.)
Cialis is the gift sent from above. (God provides Cialis?)
This is too crazy. (Now you’re using your brain.)
Thought this might help. (Using your brain was short-lived.)
Nefarious cowboy. (But my heroes have always been cowboys.)
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Nothing Funny
Wednesday is supposed to be joke day, but as I’m writing this on Tuesday, September 11 I find it hard to be funny. I’m watching “United 93” as I’m typing this. I can still remember the horror I felt that day, and the days afterwards. So for today, I wish you a good Wednesday, a safe one for you and those you love.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Monday ... Again?
Oh Lawdy, it’s Monday again. Let’s see, this weekend’s movie was “Love Actually”, a movie that Bebo had seen but I hadn’t. Good movie. I hadn’t noticed before just how loverly Colin Firth is. I’ll have to catch some more of his movies. And the little boy who played Liam’s son is a cutie. Ahhhh, young love. Got me to thinking about my first crush – Chet – in the third grade. I don’t know what happened to him, but I’ll always remember him as the first guy to break my heart. How about you? Who was your first crush and do you still keep in contact with them (I do keep in contact with my second crush – Ben).
And yes folks, its NFL season. Cowboys play the New York Giants tonight, so we’ll see if this year is “the year” for the ‘boys. Other teams have had a look at Romo now – unlike when he took over the quarterback position last year – so it’s a whole new ball game this season.
And yes folks, its NFL season. Cowboys play the New York Giants tonight, so we’ll see if this year is “the year” for the ‘boys. Other teams have had a look at Romo now – unlike when he took over the quarterback position last year – so it’s a whole new ball game this season.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Wruthering Spam
Since I've been asked - the avatar - the bikini is because it's hot, the snow because I wish it weren't. Now on to spam.
Hello! We met at that hotel in Hawaii. (What did you dream the next night?)
Meet me tonight? (Um, no.)
Here or no where else. (Well I guess it’s no where else.)
Tuesday trade notice. (What are you going to trade it with … Thursday?)
Can never tell the difference. (You’re right about that – Thursday, Tuesday – all the same to me.)
But perhaps Miss Wickersham has already explained the circumstances. (Miss Wickersham? Spam got old lady librarians?)
It amazes us. (You’re amazed? I’m flabbergasted.)
As long as I live. (How long does spam live?)
No time left. (On your life or for spamarama? Hey, get back here and answer me.)
Hello! We met at that hotel in Hawaii. (What did you dream the next night?)
Meet me tonight? (Um, no.)
Here or no where else. (Well I guess it’s no where else.)
Tuesday trade notice. (What are you going to trade it with … Thursday?)
Can never tell the difference. (You’re right about that – Thursday, Tuesday – all the same to me.)
But perhaps Miss Wickersham has already explained the circumstances. (Miss Wickersham? Spam got old lady librarians?)
It amazes us. (You’re amazed? I’m flabbergasted.)
As long as I live. (How long does spam live?)
No time left. (On your life or for spamarama? Hey, get back here and answer me.)
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
If It's Wednesday, it must be ...
Joke day - more from Susan.
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why --it was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story: If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable!
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why --it was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story: If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable!
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends
Monday, September 03, 2007
Some Days Make no Sense
Ackkkk, here’s the blog post where I have to talk about myself. I hate Mondays because of this. I can never think of anything to say. Wait, I’ve lost 22 lbs. so far – that’s good, right? Bebo and I watched “Vacancy” Sunday. Scary stuff with plenty of jumps and chilly moments. We will never, ever stay at one of those isolated roadside motels again. Not that we’re planning on taking any trips off interstate and into the backwoods. But just in case …
Today, in the U.S., is Labor Day. I think it’s a day to celebrate the working class by giving them a day off. But now it’s evolved into a day of shopping, barbeques, and lake-side shenanigans. Shopping of course means that somebody has to labor, so it’s not Labor Day for everyone. Got it? We used to have a big family get together on Labor Day, but since Mom’s death, well actually since Dad’s death, we haven’t had a lot of get-togethers. Bebo will be spending the day with her parents and I’ll be sitting around twiddling my thumbs. Or sleeping. My guess is sleeping. I hope those of you who celebrate this day have a good one – well, hell, everyone have a good one whether you celebrate Labor Day or not.
See why I hate Mondays?
Today, in the U.S., is Labor Day. I think it’s a day to celebrate the working class by giving them a day off. But now it’s evolved into a day of shopping, barbeques, and lake-side shenanigans. Shopping of course means that somebody has to labor, so it’s not Labor Day for everyone. Got it? We used to have a big family get together on Labor Day, but since Mom’s death, well actually since Dad’s death, we haven’t had a lot of get-togethers. Bebo will be spending the day with her parents and I’ll be sitting around twiddling my thumbs. Or sleeping. My guess is sleeping. I hope those of you who celebrate this day have a good one – well, hell, everyone have a good one whether you celebrate Labor Day or not.
See why I hate Mondays?
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