Spammit!

Do you want to buy almost free software? (Nope, I’ll wait until it goes on sale.)
Postponement rocking chair (I prefer a recliner.)
When to stop blogging. (When you talk back to spam.)
Snuggly feeling comment. (Awwww, you’re about as sweet as a cuddly, wuddly teddy bear.)
Is it too small? (Is what … no, wait, don’t tell me.)
Big penis is a revolution in your pants. Be big with advanced Gain Pro Penis Enlargement Patch. (Believe me, I’d know if something were going on in my pants, whether they’re pros or amateurs.)
Don’t be left out, join millions of men in the revolution. (My pants aren’t that big … no comment from the peanut gallery.)
This is insane. (Tell me about it.)
Which rules are in effect here? (Mine, obviously.)
Queen (You got it.)
Daisy (The Duchess isn’t going to help you.)
Customer Alert: Your Fifth Third Bank account. (My what? I can barely keep money in one.)
Temper (Oh, I’m not angry. You’ll know when I’m angry.)
Mayday (No reason to call for help. I told you, I’m not angry.)
Sonar arrest (Huh? Just for sending a false mayday? Man, y'all are tough.)
Don’t let the anger consume you, Our Penis Enlargement Patches … (Would you stop with the Penis. I’m a woman!)
Want to be the man you could be. (It depends, is he rich and handsome?)
We prefer the truth. (I’m kind of partial to it myself.)
Don’t lie to yourself, satisfied with your penis size? (I give up. Yes, I’m satisfied with my penis size.)
Want to double the size of your penis? (Okay, now I’m getting angry.)

Fuzzy is Brilliant

Fuzzy: I studied the books people read and I have figured out everything that discerning, intelligent readers want in a book. I shall now write that book. It will be called Harry Da Vinci's Rings. It will follow Young Harry, a Hogwart's Symbologist, as he fights Orcs in the Hills of New Zealand.
Satchel: I don't want to read that.
Fuzzy: I said it was for discerning, intelligent readers.
Rob: Yeah, I wouldn't read it either.
Fuzzy: OK, again, it's not for you two.

I think this might work. I've decided to change my WIP: A Southern Belle, Harlot, meets our roguish hero, Gent, at the verge of the Civil War. It's instant attraction, enough sparks flying to light up the darkest of nights, or maybe it's just the bright pink glow-in-the-dark vibrator. One night, they discover a body in the wine cellar and instantly suspect the butler, who keeps running around the plantation yelling about birthin' babies. The mystery takes them to Ireland, where they meet a leprachaun and a ghost, who teaches Harlot how to make drapes out of a ball gown. After fighting the Banshees and solving the murder, Harlot exclaims that she will never go to Hungary again, at which point Gent points out that she's never been there at all. Thinking that they made quite a pair, Gent asks Harlot to be his forever, at which point Harlot turns to him and says "Bite Me."

I think I'll call it Gone to Get a Clue in the Heart of the Sea

I've even got a new pen name: Margaret Jill Roberts

Love You Forever

Happy Birthday momma. I miss you more than you can ever imagine.

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living

my Mommy you'll be.

Love you Forever

Written by Robert Munsch

American Title Voting

Round 2 of American Title is now on - and yes, our Meretta has made it! Yay Meretta - Congratulations.

The American Title Contest is in its third year and is modeled after American Idol. The contest is run by RT BOOKreviews and Dorchester Publishing. The winner will receive a publishing contract with Dorchester and a publicity boost from RT BOOKreviews. Each contestant participates in a round and two are voted off each time. Meretta's submission, Rising Sin, has passed through to the second round. Let's keep her going. This time the vote is for best hero/heroine. Go vote!

I Found it, I Found it!

You see, Captain Jack and the Satellite Twins isn't the real name, I couldn't remember what the radio show was called - had it written down somewhere, but if you could see my desk you'd know that was a problem.

Anyway, the actual name is:

The Adventures of Psycho Bill and the Satellite Twins.

Now, get back to admiring my decorating prowess.

My New Bedroom

Here it is - minus curtains and some more pictures (I still haven't decided what else to put up).

In some of the pictures, the wall will look orange, but it isn't - it's Georgia Clay.
Wanna closer look at the cross-stitch on the wall? Brandy made it for me - just click here. The weird thing? Two of these pictures have orbs in them. One photo is with the light off, the other is with the light on. In one of them, the orb is on the side of the bed - that's real close to where mom's head would have been when she died. In the other, it's on the wall near the cross-stitch. Before hospice, the head of the bed was there and that's close to where mom's head would have been when she sat up. This isn't the first time (check second picture). And I took a lot of pictures - they aren't there in all of them. The close-up of the bed is really me trying to show you the books at the bottom of the bedstands. That's my TBR pile (minus the ebooks of course).

(The Shalvis Shrine - see, no bobble head dolls, burned candles, or life-sized portrait - honest!)

Sheesh

Ran out of memory on the last post, so here's the final picture. This is why I went with blond furniture (I prefer dark woods) - I didn't have a dresser, so I kept mom's 1950s one.

If you didn't c0me by on Sunday, you missed the Satellite Twins trying to explain football. This was a continuation of a conversation earlier this week.

TWO POSTS today

Yes, two - one for NFL, one for my non-NFL people.

This one is the NFL post, look below for the other one.


So, it's the birds today. And will the Cowboy's be seeing red? I know they won't be seeing Marcus Coleman or Terry Glenn. Coleman was let go after he was arrested Friday night on a DWI, his second since 2004. He'd just returned to the team a couple of games ago after serving a 5 game suspension for violating the leagues substance abuse policy. So rookie Patrick Watkins will be stepping in to help Keith Davis. Glenn is out because of an injury.

I'm going to state again that it doesn't matter who the QB is - Romo or Bledsoe - it's not going to make a lot of difference if other issues aren't addressed. We have an offensive line that can't keep the pocket from collapsing, forcing the move to a more mobile QB. We have receivers who can't catch balls that are perfectly catchable (yes, that means you T.O.). I bet you had Bledsoe thrown that pass to Glenn, it would have been caught - TD made. We beat ourselves with penalties. This team has got to get itself together. The Cardinals played a pretty good game last week, but it's still the Cardinals. If we win today, I'm still not on the wagon with this move until they beat a team with substance.

Anybody got a net?

Why isn’t she writing today.

It’s Sunday. That’s when she watches football.

I never could understand that game.

Why not? It’s easy.

I can’t remember what all of the positions are and what they do.

I’ll help you. Take the Quarterback.

I didn’t give you a quarter.

What?

You said to take the quarter back. How can I take something back you’ve never given me?

That’s the name of the position. The leader of the team. He’s called the quarterback, or QB for short.

Isn’t that the name of a men’s magazine?

No junior wit, that’s GQ.

I get them mixed up.

That’s not the only thing. Okay, let’s leave positions behind and go on to the game. There are four quarters.

Where?

In the game stupid.

There are four quarters in a game, but only one is a back?

No, there are a lot of backs, half-back, running back.

Running back to where? Where they left the quarter?

There’s no money in the game.

Then why play it?

The players get money …

I knew someone did.

Can we get back to football?

Sure, go ahead, it’s your time.

There are four quarters OR SECTIONS of a game.

Don’t need to yell.

Each quarter takes fifteen minutes to play.

Then how come a game can last for over 3 hours? Even I can figure out that’s 1 hour.

Because there are stops, and replays …

Couldn’t they play it right the first time?

I’m ignoring you.

What else is new?

Commercials …

Told you someone was making money.

Half-time, time-outs …

Was someone naughty?

There’s a lot of things involved in the game that takes time.

Why don’t they just get down to playing the game and get it over with.

Speaking of downs, you get four.

I do?

No, the team does. The defense has to stop the offense from making a score.

How do they do that?

Some teams use a nickel defense.

Now you’re back to money again.

Would you forget about money.

You’re the one who keeps bringing it up.

… let’s talk about offense.

Didn’t do it.

Didn’t do what?

Offend anyone.

I wouldn’t count on that.

Are you done yet?

Why do I even bother. Yes, we’re done.

So Bailey isn’t going to write today because she’s watching foosball.

Football.

Whatever.

That’s not all. She has some cleaning up to do. Things to pack away still. She’s going to hang a couple of pictures in her bedroom so that she can take a picture …

Why is she going to hang them before she takes them?

No nipple nose, she’s going to take a picture with a camera.

I find my hands work better.

For what?

Taking things.

She’s going to take a photograph of her room for the blog.

Oh, I get it.

You’re going to get it all right.

Then she’ll write and make us real?

Yep, just like the Blue Fairy.

Hey! I know the Blue Fairy and Bailey is no Blue Fairy. Where are you going?

To jump off a bridge.

Can I go too?

Only if you jump first.

Happy Veteran's Day

In the U.S., this is the day that we set aside to thank those people who have served in the military for the sacrifices that they made/make for us. Take a moment to think about them today.

Thank You

They Won't Get Out of My Head!!!!!!

Man, that hurt.

You can say that again.

Man, that hurt.

I didn’t mean it literally.

Then why did you say it.

Because I was agreeing with you, dipstick.

No need to get nasty.

It’s all your fault anyway.

Why is it my fault?

“Oh Bailey, I’d be the perfect hero for one of your stories.” Gag.

What was wrong with that?

You look like the Pillsbury doughboy. Nobody would think of you as a hero.

The Pillsbury doughgirl would.

There isn’t a Pillsbury doughgirl.

Then we’re perfect for each other.

Puhleeze. I, on the other hand, would make an excellent hero. Just look at this profile. It has Barrymore written all over it.

Drew?

No, John Barrymore. The Great Profile.

Never heard of him.

He’s never heard of you either.

His loss.

That’s a matter of opinion.

Isn’t he dead?

Yes.

But you just said that as if he were still alive.

Everybody’s alive in our world.

Even Elvis.

No. He’s really not dead.

He isn’t?

Nope.

Jimmy Hoffa?

Nope.

Amelia Earheart?

Uh Uh.

You've just put a dent in everything I've ever believed in.

Don't worry, I've sure a couple of episodes of Sesame Street and you'll be back to your old self.

I can’t believe that she laughed.

Loudly.

Guffawed.

Like we were a couple of losers. Captain Jack and the Satellite Twins.

Huh?

That’s our new name – we’re the Satellite Twins.

We don’t look anything alike.

It doesn’t matter what we look like, it’s radio.

I thought it was a book.

It is. It’s about this female DJ.

What’s a DJ?

Disc Jockey.

How do they get the saddles on discs?

Not that kind of jockey, dragon breath. On the radio. They play songs and talk about life, traffic, weather, politics and such. Eden, the heroine in Operation:Eden, has a late-night radio talk show for the lonely. Captain Jack and The Satellite Twins are on the show just before hers. We’re the comic relief.

Wow!

What?

You amaze me. You know so much.

I watch Oprah.

When’s that on?

The same time as Barney.

Oh, that’s why I miss it. Who’s Captain Jack?

She hasn’t decided yet.

Maybe it’ll be that Donald guy who stepped down. He needs a job now.

Somehow I don’t think that’s it.

Think she’ll tell us.

When she gets around to it.

I get it. A “need to know” basis.

She’ll get it sorted out.

Yeah. In the meantime, do you have the Pillsbury doughgirl’s phone number.

You are such a dweeb.

Here, There, Spam Everywhere

My dear. (Yes?)
You still working on it? (I’m always working on it.)
Need some help? (Nope, I got it.)
Diagnosed late pregnancy. (Real late.)
Elm useless. (Maple not so good either.)
Rene wrote: (She better, it’s Nano time.)
So what. (Don’t ever say that to someone in the middle of Nano!)
911 address change. (Ahhh, I just got that number memorized.)
I am writing to find love. (You’re looking for love in all the wrong places.)
If you think your penis looks like a sponge. (I haven’t seen my penis. Honest.)
Your neighbors lost their alarm clock. (I think they gave it away.)
Did not. (Did too.)
Found them, five thousand. (Five thousand! Where in the hell did someone put five thousand alarm clocks?)
Your neighbors won’t tell you everything. (I wish they wouldn’t tell me anything.)
We are still looking to buy another position. (I’d settle for buying a vowel Pat.)
I’m going to show you this, but keep it secret. (I won’t tell anybody, promise. Y’all, don’t look.)
You broke my heart. (I'm sorry. They won't tell either.)
Wanna fascinate the girls with your penis? (Add that to my late pregnancy and I would fascinate The National Enquirer.)
Do you want to do this again next week? (Sure, how about Friday?)

You Sound Like ...

I had a really lousy Wednesday afternoon and evening, so I'm leaving this for you today. I'm working a 9 - 5 shift at work too - so y'all, don't go having any fun without me.

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The West
The Inland North
Boston
North Central
The Northeast
Philadelphia
The South
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

I could live in Dallas? How funny.

Oh, and I stole this from Tori.

I guess my "foreign" guests can just see how close to an American accent they have.

Still More Voices in My Head

Whatcha doin’?

Watching Bailey.

Why are you watching the cat?

No, Bailey the writer, not Baileyboo the cat.

I’m confused.

Think about how the cat feels.

So, what is the princess doing now?

Sitting at the computer.

She’s cussing.

Of course she is. She’s reading her current WIP.

I’ve never tried that with a whip.

No, her WIP. Work.In.Progress. The story she’s currently working on, you moron.

Well it’s been so long, excuse me for forgetting.

Oh, wait. Now she’s typing. Yes, she broke a nail.

And that’s a good thing?

Sure it is. Means she’s writing.

Doesn’t make the ladies on TV happy when they break a nail. In fact, you’d think they’d broken a leg or something.

That’s because they’re not real.

They’re not?

We’ve been over this. No. They’re no more real than you or I.

Oh come on. You’re pulling my leg.

We’re not real.

Yes we are.

No we’re not.

Yes we are.

No. Why am I arguing with you? You’re not real.

Then what am I?

You’re a figment of her imagination.

You’d think she could imagine something better.

I’ve wondered the same thing.

But you’re not real either.

Yeah, but at least I have a little common sense.

Not the only thing about you that’s common.

Excuse me?

Oh look! She laughed.

Must have been something funny she wrote.

Either that, or she has gas.

That’s for babies.

Are they real?

Sometimes.

You know, she’s going to make us real.

Where’d you hear that.

At the watercooler.

What watercooler?

Over in heroland.

How many times have I told you not to hang out around there. Too much testosterone for you.

They’re fun. And they let me fetch their water for them.

They let you … hold on, you’re no waterboy.

But I feel like I belong. Why just the other day, this hero named Scott let me shine his shoes. With my own spit. And shine them with my hair.

How pathetic are you?

About that much.

So, we’re going to be real.

Uh huh. Comic relief I think they called it.

Stoolies?

Huh?

Stooges?

Um …

Fall guys?

This doesn’t sound too good, does it?

I think we’d better talk to her.

Think she’d listen to us?

Not in a million years.

Man, we’re in trouble.

Born in Texas?

Okay, maybe they weren't all born in Texas, the ones in red were raised here though and I'm claiming them anyway. I got this idea from Toni and her list of Canadians. Some of these people I knew about, but there were a few surprises. I left off a lot of soap opera people as they would only be known by those of us who watched (or do watch) these shows (i.e. Greg Vaughan who plays Lucky on General Hospital). There are a few, like Steve Martin, who were born in Texas but left in early childhood. I only cited shows/movies of those people whose faces would be familiar but maybe not the name, i.e. Christian Kane. Some of these citations would only be familiar if you are around my age – which means you are older than dirt. Singers are included only if they appeared in a movie of some note, i.e. you should have heard of the movie. Unlike Toni – I didn’t separate them by gender. Source: imdb.com

F. Murray Abraham
Amy Acker (Fred – Angel)
Jensen Ackles (Supernatural)
Debbie Allen
Gene Autry
Joe Don Baker (the original Walking Tall)
Robby Benson
Patricia Blair (Rebecca Boone – Daniel Boone)
Dan Blocker (Hoss – Bonanza)
Pat Boone
Powers Boothe (Cy Tolliver – Deadwood)
Betty Buckley (Abby – Eight is Enough)
Carol Burnett
Gary Busey
Kate Capshaw
Cyd Charisse
Thomas Haden Church (Wings)
Dabney Coleman
Barry Corbin (Maurice – Northern Exposure)
Pat Corley (Phil the bartender on Murphy Brown)
Billy Cradup (MI:III; Almost Famous)
Joan Crawford
Mac Davis (North Dallas Forty)
Jimmy Dean (yes, of sausage fame – but he was also an actor with a regular role on Daniel Boone)
Bob Denver
John Denver
Michael Dorn (Worf – Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Hilary Duff
Sandy Duncan
Shelley Duvall
George Eads
Shannon Elizabeth (That ‘70s Show)
Ron Ely (TV’s Tarzan – who what a crush)
Morgan Fairchild (Fashion House; Flamingo Road; Falcon Crest)
Farrah Fawcett
Frederick Forrest (Capt. Jenko – 21 Jump Street; Apocalypse Now)
Steve Forrest (Hondo – S.W.A.T. - the TV original)
Robert Foxworth (Falcon Crest)
Jamie Foxx
Jennifer Garner
Peri Gilpin (Frasier)
Summer Glau (River – Firefly)
Larry Hagman
Angie Harmon (Law and Order)
Woody Harrelson
Lisa Hartman-Black
Jennifer Love Hewitt
John Hillerman (Higgins – Magnum P.I. – nope, not English)
Lee Horsley (Matt Houston)
Larry Hovis (Carter – Hogan’s Heroes)
Carolyn Jones (Morticia Addams – The Addams Family)
Tommy Lee Jones
James Jordan (Veronica Mars)
Christian Kane (Close to Home; Lindsey – Angel)
Beyonce Knowles
Kris Kristofferson
Eva Longoria
Lyle Lovett
Peter MacNicol (Larry – Numb3rs)
Meredith MacRae (Billie Jo Bradley – Petticoat Junction)
Stuart Margolin (Angel – Rockford Files)
Steve Martin
Matthew McConaughey
George “Spanky” McFarland (Our Gang)
Bruce McGill (Jack Dalton – MacGyver)
Jeff McKay (Mac on Magnum P.I. ; Corky on Tales of the Gold Monkey)
Meat Loaf
Ann Miller
Don Mitchell (Ironside)
Audie Murphy
Willie Nelson
Michael Nesmith (The Monkees)
James Noble (the governor on Benson)
Annette O’Toole (Martha Kent – Smallville; Lana Lang – Superman II)
Buck Owens
Jared Padalecki (Supernatural)
Fess Parker (Daniel Boone; Davy Crockett)
Bill Paxton
Robin Wright Penn
Lou Diamond Phillips
Joan Prather (Janet – Eight is Enough)
Dennis Quaid
Randy Quaid
Phylicia Rashad
Debbie Reynolds
Christopher Rich (ex-husband on Reba; Miller Redfield – Murphy Brown)
Patricia Richardson (Home Improvement)
Kenny Rogers
Lulu Roman (HeeHaw)
Ashlee Simpson
Jessica Simpson
Lori Singer (Footloose)
Anna Nicole Smith
Jaclyn Smith
Sissy Spacek
Aaron Spelling (he was an actor before he became a producer)
Brent Spiner
Patrick Swayze
Regina Taylor (The Unit; I’ll Fly Away)
Brynn Thayer (Matlock)
Henry Thomas (ET)
Stephen Tobolowsky (Hugo Jarry – Deadwood; Asst. D.A. Don Huffman – CSI:Miami)
Rip Torn
Alan Tudyk (Wash – Firefly)
Janine Turner (Northern Exposure)
Peter Weller (RoboCop)
Lisa Whelchel (Blair – Facts of Life)
Forest Whitaker
JoBeth Williams (Poltergeist; The Big Chill)
Van Williams (The Green Hornet)
Noble Willingham (C.D. Parker – Walker, Texas Ranger)
Luke Wilson
Owen Wilson
Renee Zellweger

Oh, and there's a new review at Isn't It Romantic

And the "What I'm Reading" section of my website has been updated.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
- Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!
- Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie.
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- Darn, there go the lights again...
- You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
- Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?
- Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.
- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
- She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

Thar's a Football Game

So, Tony Romo is the new Drew Bledsoe? This is a move that I'm still not sure was the correct one. He did do well against the Panthers - but then, that was the Panthers. Sure, he's more mobile than Drew, but will that really make the difference when they play against a good team? The quarterback wouldn't have to be so mobile if the offensive line defended the pocket and gave the QB time. There have been many teams in the history of the NFL that have won Superbowls with a QB that didn't have the mobility of a younger man. We're trading experience for mobility, patience for the naivete of youth. Sometimes it is better the devil you know than the one you don't. I still say mobile or not, if the offensive line cannot protect the pocket, it doesn't matter who is the QB. You know that the Redskins are going to hit Tony with everything they have - blitz will be the name of the game. And they'll get to him, the pocket will collapse and he'll be forced to make bad decisions. He doesn't know any better. I expect him to do well today - the Redskins have a worse record than we do, but I'm going to reserve judgement until I see him play against a good team - like the Eagles.

Bad news - Terry Glenn may not be in the game today. Might not matter though if Gregg Williams blitz strategy works.

Oh, and the avatar? Whenever you see me in the PJ's with the teddy bear - it's an indication that I'm not well. Still fighting this cold thing, but I think I'm starting to win.

Ten Things Men Understand About Women

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
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10.


Thought I would post this again since no one could comment on it and then it up and disappeared.

Just Because

This is the last picture that was taken of my Devlin. I wish I had known because then I would have taken a more flattering picture. Doesn't he look like a real slut?








This is Baileyboo giving Devlin a bath - he (Devie) was so doped up at that point so he didn't protest.

warning

I'm on the phone with the phone company right now - they say that they will have to "take down" the DSL and I might not have the same email address or internet access for a few days. Bummer.

EDIT:

Okay, seems that for retirees (which mom is) there is a 6 month period where I get to keep everything that she had at the price she had. (drool moment - we're talking DSL, phone line, all the features, unlimited long distance, etc. - $37.00. Whoopeeeeee.) Now I just have to worry about what to do in May. I hate that they will have to shut down the DSL and I might lose all of my email addresses. Sheesh.