Yeah?

So it's groaner Friday instead .. these are a few email funnies that I've been holding onto for just such a day.  What day?  The "I don't have anything else to post" day, that's what.

When asked by a young patrol officer "Do You know you were speeding?" 
This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated: 
"Yes , but .... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going." 
The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day. 
Makes perfectly good sense to me.  

And finally .....

MURDER AT WHOLE FOODS
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. 

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for 

snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.  The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Whole Foods Supermarket store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.  Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. 
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

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(You're going to hate me for this...) 
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'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 at Whole Foods'

Is Anything Real?

What’s she doing?

Looking for a heroine for her story.

Oh no!!!!!! Don’t do it Bailey!!!!

What? What’s the matter Ern?

No matter how bad it appears, don’t, don’t turn to drugs …

Ern .. not that heroine … heroine, like in a female hero.

Wouldn’t a female hero be transgendered?

*Bud shakes imaginary head*  You totally drive me nuts

No I don’t, they won’t let me have a license.

I’m ignoring the last bit of this conversation.

Yeah, like you always ignore me.

I wish.  Anyway, she’s looking for a lady for her hero to fall in love with.  She’s looking for Casey.

You mean as in “Casey at Bat”?  Kinda hard to have a book without the title character.  Even I can figure that out.

Then that makes it a major “duh”.  So, she’s clicking through pictures, trying to find …

STOP!!!  That’s her!!!

Ern, that’s a mannequin.

No, I’m sure it’s a female .. and I don’t care if she’s kin or not …

*Bud buries imaginary head in hands*  No, a mannequin .. a plastic doll that’s used to show clothes in department stores.

Oh, a model …

Close .. anyway, she’s not real

That’s what you keep telling me .. that we’re not real.  So if we’re not real and we speak to folks, and she’s not real …..

No Ern, can’t do it.  A mannequin can not be the heroine in a romance novel.

Can too .. I saw it in a movie …

Movies aren’t real …

Would you stop that!!!!  Is anything real???

Well Descartes, that is a good question …

What cart?  The lunch cart????

Say bye Ern ….

By Ern …..

A Matter of Character

I figured out what my problem is with this book.  My characters.  When Jo Davis was at chapter the other day, we talked about how her books are character driven as opposed to plot, and I agreed saying so were mine.  We both agreed that if you know your characters well enough, then the book practically writes itself as you know how your characters will react in any given situation.  Think about it.  Think about the person that you know best in your life.  Then say this person is in a traffic accident, the other person approaches the car with a menacing look on their face .. how would this person react?  How about if someone told you that they were planning a surprise party for this person – how would they react to that?  If you know someone well enough, you can pretty much figure out how they will react to anything.  And that’s the problem. I don’t know my characters that well.  Normally when I write a book, I have the characters “picked out” (i.e. magazine photos, etc.), their names and all of that chit.  This one hit me without all of that and I just started typing.  Do you know that I’m really not sure what Casey, my heroine, even looks like?  I think she’s a blue-eyed blond, but I’m not sure.  Nick, my hero, is Hugh Jackman .. that’s a given. 

The only other character I’m sure about is a secondary character named Jit, who is portrayed by Michael Jeter.

  Recently I decided on my H/H for the next book – Deacon and Halley – and I know that he’s Josh Holloway.  

But that’s pretty much it.  

I need to sit down and sketch them out.  I need to find Casey.  I need to .. yeah, I got work to do.

All My Children

This week marks the end of All My Children (possible reincarnation on web aside). While I haven’t watched the show in years, I do mourn its passing. Or maybe I mourn the passing of a genre. After One Life to Live  leaves, there will only be 4 soups on television. Four? I remember when they ruled the daytime airwaves. And now they are almost all gone. I don’t like it .. I don’t like the replacement of actors with hosts any more than I like the replacement of checkers with those grocery store self check-out lines. A lot more people lose their jobs when a soap leaves than are given jobs with the creation of a talk show. Just saying. I love Anderson Cooper, but I have no intention of watching his show, or The Chew (what a name?), merely on quiet protest, not like they’ll notice.


But back to the point. All My Children. Once upon the time I watched ABC soaps religiously .. started with Ryan’s Hope and ended the day with Edge of Night. I laughed at Delia, rooted for Joe/Mary; loved Greg/Jenny; went through the ringer with Karen; was appalled and then fell in love with a man named Luke. (sorry Edge of Night, only remember Lori Loughlin was on it.) Soaps were .. in a strange way … romances novels. Or more like love stories – because they weren’t happily ever after, which is why I quit watching them, but that’s another blog. All My Children gave us Kim Delaney, Josh Duhamel, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Lauren Holly, Eva LaRue, Jesse McCartney, Kelly Ripa, Laura San Giacomo and Christian Slater, among others.

All My Children meant more than Greg and Jenny, it was Erica and her many husbands, the endearing love of Joe and Ruth Martin (whose portrayer, Mary Fickett, passed away a few days ago), Tad the Cad. It was the first soap that took on abortion, birth control and lesbian relationships, among others. Agnes Nixon opened the door to many previously taboo subjects and made AMC one of the hits of an era, an era I’m sorry to say is ending. Some blame OJ (audiences never did pick up after this trial knocked soaps off for weeks), some blame boredom – regurgitated stories or storylines that went too far over the edge. I quit because I was tired of rooting for the hero/heroine to only have they ripped apart sometimes the day after the much rooted for “kiss” “wedding” “reunion” – you name it.

This week is All My Children’s last week. I wish I wasn’t working; I would love to watch it. I understand that each day will be a tribute to something – like the weddings through the years – Wednesday will be a tribute to Mary Fickett’s Ruth Martin. I’ll be watching on Friday though .. to say my goodbye to a once loved show.

Gonna be a Bad day

Thanks Susan.  Arthritis kept me from blogging for Wednesday .. cold front came through Wednesday night and I woke up Thursday morning sneezing my head off, nose dripping, head has the wooley feeling ... cheekbones a bit achy.  So I'm sitting down with some chicken noodle soup and then probably a nap. But I couldn't let Funny Friday go by without something to giggle at.  Have a great weekend everyone!!

Entangled

I know this is Me Monday, but bear with me because at the end you’ll see that this is about me. I have a special guest today who is here to talk about a wonderful project. Michelle Miles is not only a chapter mate, but she is one of the authors in a new anthology out today called Entangled. Please welcome Michelle to the road.

Hi and welcome to the road, watch out there are some wild drivers out here. I want to start out by you telling us what Entangled is about and what makes it special.

Thanks for having me! I’m really happy to be here to talk about this amazing anthology. I’m so honored to be in such great company.

Entangled is a paranormal anthology by Authors4theCure, eleven authors banding together that include award-winning, USA Today and New York Times bestselling authors, as well as two breast cancer survivors. We are donating proceeds from the sale of the anthology to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation (BCRF).

BCRF-funded research has helped save lives and improved the quality of care and rate of survival for tens of thousands of breast cancer patients in the past decade. Their research has revealed that the "cure" is a mosaic made up of as many approaches to diagnosing, treating, preventing and surviving as there are different types of breast cancer. The anthology is also a mosaic made up of many stories donated for this worthwhile cause.

The anthology includes me, Lori Brighton, Michelle Diener, Cynthia Eden, Jennifer Estep, Misty Evans, Nancy Haddock, Liz Kreger, Dale Mayer, and Edie Ramer, plus a novella by Allison Brennan. Stacia Kane contributed the foreword and the book’s formatting and cover art were also donated to the project.

How did you get involved with this book?

My very good friend and awesome writer, Misty Evans, invited me to participate in the anthology. When she described it to me and what the proceeds would benefit, I knew it was something I wanted to be involved in. Cancer has affected my family personally. If there’s a way to stop this ugly disease from affecting lives and devastating families, I want to help fight it. This is a great way to do that.

Was there a certain criteria for the stories? Like, did they have to have a connecting theme?

Yes, all of them were to be under 10,000 words and have a paranormal/Halloween theme. I think you’ll find there’s something for everyone in this anthology.

What is the name of your story and how did you come up with the idea?

My story is Sinfully Sweet and it’s about a witch on the run and a sexy half-demon/half-witch come to warn her that she’s in danger. I’ve never done a witch story before so I thought this would be a lot of fun. As for the idea, I’d been brewing (no pun) an idea for a magic bakery and kicked around some ideas for it with Misty. Chloe’s Sugar Mamma’s Bakery was born.

Here’s the blurb:

When Chloe bakes a little magic into her pastries, she attracts the attention of Edward, the sexy half-demon, half-witch, who’s come to warn her that those who murdered her sister are now after her.

Where can Entangled by found?

It’s available as an ebook from B&N, Kindle, Smashwords, All Romance Ebooks, and other online distributors.

Thank you for coming by today, Michelle. Now get back to writing my book.

LOL You’re welcome! And, again I say, you’re such a slave driver! :)

About me? I want you to buy this book. If you can’t buy it, I want you to promote the hell out of it. Why? This book is for me. This book is for my mother’s sisters Alice and Golda who won. This book is for her niece Martha who won. This book is for my dad’s sister Ruth who won. It’s for his niece Sharon who won.

This book is for my father’s sister Evelyn …. who lost. And most importantly, for mom’s niece Beth who is fighting it as we speak.

This book is for me …. It is to help prevent any more breast cancer in my family.

This book is my hope.

Thank you for coming by today.

Foreign Relations

Dear Sir, (Minus 2 points)


We do not know each other, but you are the only person I sent this letter with hope to get a positive and sincere response, in order to go into a deal that would bring life fortune to both of us. (you want sincere from me?)

I am Barrister Richard Thomas Group of advocates, a solicitor. (you can say that again) I was the personal attorney to late Engr. Overtrump, who was a Contractor and has spent most of his life in my country (London & Spain). (London and Spain is one country now? Wow!!) On the 20th of August 2008, Overtrump, his wife Maria, and their only son Pedro, were involved in a plane crash by which the all occupants of the plane unfortunately perished. (Why isn’t there ever a fortunate perishing?) (http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/madrid ). Since then I have made several enquiries in the France Embassy (Is France the new capital of London/Spain? And is the country called Lain? Spondon?) to locate any of my clients extended relatives (I’m way beyond extended) but all efforts was unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to contact you (‘cuz Lord knows I’m not successful) and solicit for your assistance as a foreigner (Hey! Who you calling a foreigner, you foreigner) to execute the claim of his cash deposits with Natwest Bank London.

I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the assets and Capital valued at US$20.5million left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable (I hate being unserviceable) by the bank in London where these huge deposits was lodged. The said bank has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated within the next two months.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 2 years now, I seek the consent to present you as the Next of kin to the deceased (You mean, commit fraud?) since you share a common last name, (You don’t know my last name, you don’t even know my gender .. so there) so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. The request of a foreigner as the next of kin in this transaction is occasioned by the fact that my client was a foreigner (Yeah, he was from Splondon) and the money cannot be paid into a local bank here, so it will be better for you to stand as the next of kin to my client. (I’d rather sit, thank you) Therefore, on receipt of your positive response, we shall then discuss the sharing ratio and modalities for transfer. I have all necessary information and legal documents needed to back you up for claim.

All I require from you is your honest cooperation (Me? Oh yeah, someone has to be the honest one) to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this will be executed (executed is right) under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please reply via e-mail; (barrrchrdthomas@yahoo.co.jp) or call +447024098461

Best Regards,

Barr. Richard Thomas


Dear Richard Thomas,


How are the rest of the Waltons? I sure do miss your wonderful good nights.


I’m sorry, but because of relations with past foreign relations, I can not relate to you. This has been made mandatory by the officials (Bud and Ernie) of Mymindland. Mymindland does not, nor ever will have relations, foreign or domestic, with the country of Splondon. We find you insipid. And your grammar is bad too. But then I’m one to talk about that. Anyway, thank you so much for thinking about me, you have no idea how that made me feel.


Good luck with the next sucker, er, person on your foreign list. I’m sure that you will be able to locate someone soon. Have you tried California?


Sincerely (because you wanted a sincere response)


Bailey

Reading for TaTas ....

Eleven authors have banded together to support breast cancer research with their writing. Authors4theCure, which includes award-winning and New York Times bestselling authors, as well as two breast cancer survivors, is donating proceeds from the sale of their paranormal anthology, Entangled, to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation (BCRF).




Entangled includes ten suspense-filled paranormal stories from authors Lori Brighton, Michelle Diener, Cynthia Eden, Jennifer Estep, Misty Evans, Nancy Haddock, Liz Kreger, Dale Mayer, Michelle Miles, and Edie Ramer, plus a novella by Allison Brennan. Stacia Kane contributed the foreword and the book’s formatting and cover art were also donated to the project.



The anthology has already received it's first five start review from Coffle Table Reviews

Available September 12, you can get it on Smashwords, B&N and Amazon through October for $2.99.

A Raindance?

That's all I have to say .....

There are wildfires all over N. Texas, another 2 lives were lost over the weekend because of them. A customer's dog ran into her back yard and broke its leg (don't know if male/female) when it fell into a crack that had opened up over night - from the lack of rain. Tropical Storm Lee missed us, bringing us cooler weather (but still dry) but no rain. In fact, according to the weatherornotman, T.S. Lee took the moisture we were going to have. A tropical storm stole our rain? Figures.

But .. it is cooler. For that I'm quite happy, thank you!

(oh, the LOLcat? I made that one.)

Why I Didn't Do a Blog Post on Wednesday, by Bud and Ernie

She’s been tweeting.

Tweeting? Like a bird?

No, tweeting as in to tweet.

Or not to tweet …

Are you listening to me?

I always listen to you …

Yeah, right. What did I just say then?

Yeah, right ….

Ernie ….

That’s my name, don’t screw it up.

Why do I put up with you?

Because the Easter Bunny isn’t talking to you any more?

She is too!

Whatever ….. so this blog thing is late huh?

Like I said, she’s been tweeting.

Would bird seed help?

It’s not tweeting, like birds do, although I guess it’s based on that, but not really and … don’t confuse me.

Why not? You confuse me all of the time.

Because it’s so easy to do.

If I had an eye, I’d give you the stink one right now.

Listen, I think I hear your mom calling you ..

You do?

Yeah, and she’s getting on the bus to go to Candyland.

Without me?

Looks like it.

Mooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!

Wait, Ernie! You didn’t say goodbye to the nice folks! Oh well, y’all have a nice day, I know I will …. I get to be alone with my own voice. Maybe I'll call the Easter Bunny? *snicker*