Of Mice and Spam

Hey, remember me? (Who could forget?)
Here is the news you’ve been waiting for. (Oh, goody, goody.)
Your neighbors lost their alarm clock. (That’s not news. And I’m sure that’s not the news I wanted.)
Sheesh, what are you thinking? (That maybe Hugh Jackman was on his way here?)
I’m sorry I sprung that. (You should be)
Glad I didn’t wait any longer. (You could have waited forever.)
Don’t worry, be happy! (I talk to spam, what is there to be happy about?)
I have to leave town. (Now I’m happy.)

Hump Day Hilarity

A few jokes from Susan

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!



Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day Gladys and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Gladys called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we don't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.


A priest and a pastor from the local churches were standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:
The End is Near!
Turn Yourself Around Now...
Before It's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you Religious Nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The priest turned to the pastor and asked, "Do you think the sign should just say "Bridge Out"?"

Attack of the "B" Movies

I’ve sat and stared at this page for quite a while now, with X-Men running in the background and thoughts of tonight’s NFL game floating through my head. I don’t really have anything to blog about, except I finally got to see “The Devil Wore Prada” (or is that "The Devil Wears Prada", now I can't remember) and loved it. Anybody else seen it, or am I the last? And then Bebo and I watched “Solar Attack” – a “B” movie that looked right down our alley. Bebo and I love lousy “B” pictures about ghosts or world disasters, but this one ranked amongst the worse of them. What about you? Do you like “B” movies? What’s your guilty pleasure, movie-wise? And what good movie have you seen lately? Talk to me.

Fahrenheit Spam

You still working on it? (Give me a moment, my brain is fried from the heat.)
Almost customer. (What’s that, someone who walks by and looks in the window?)
Secretly hockey player (Who? The almost customer? How can you be secretly a hockey player? Do you sneak the puck in?)
Let me know what you think about this, I would be very interested in your opinion. (I don’t think it’ll work – someone in the rink would notice.)
Well, you showed me yours, I guess I better show you mine, hehe. (Wait! I never showed you nothing! Don’t you show … ooooooh, naked spam!)
At that moment he heard the sound of distant laughter. (Yeah, me and my blogsters, put your clothes on.)
Have the best enjoyment with Cialis! (Rather have the best enjoyment with Hugh Jackman)
We recommend you to take two tablets once a day, after a meal. (If it’ll help me get Hugh Jackman …)

Order in the Court

I got this from Lis. Enjoy your Hump Day Humor


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there
.__________________________________________________ __________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?________________________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

When You're Owned by Cats

There are some things about living with cats that non-cat owners don’t understand. For one thing, you will never be alone, not really. I don’t remember the last time I went to the bathroom by myself. Or brushed me teeth alone. Take a nap? Not without Neely or Bubba. And then they get angry if I move my foot. It’s my foot, I’ll move it if I want to. They sit there and stare at me while I eat – even though I have never given them human food. They just sit there like the cat gods are going to bestow upon them a little crumb. Don’t hold your breath babies, it ain’t happening. There are times when I’m sitting in my big ol’ chair and all four of them are with me, leaving me no space to move. Ever try moving a mouse while reaching around a cat? Didn’t think so. Unless you have cats. Then you know what I mean. Aidan’s big thing is to walk up my chest and butt his forehead against mine, while I’m trying to type on the computer. That takes a lot of talent on my part. Anyway, I was just thinking about this as I sat in the bathroom surrounded by cats. All four of them. In a room as big as a closet. Come to think of it – haven’t I just described life with a toddler?

It's Spamarama Friday!

Can't do the spam again, it's too hot to think, so here's another repeat from May 2006. Enjoy! And yes, I know that it republishes all of the comments too - I don't care.


I'm not guaranteeing anything this time. I'm half asleep, but we'll see what I can do. For the uninitiated, this is actual spam that comes to me every single day. Loverly, ain't they? So I have nothing better to do than to talk back at them. I know, pathetic.

How hot is this? (Well, right now it’s only 69, but I hear it’s going to be hotter tomorrow)

Tell me (What? Don’t just stand there and demand things. It's my in-box.)

My true friend (Um, I don’t even know your name, but okay.)

Rube (City Slicker)

Quixotic retort (Sancho Panza dresses you funny.)

It’s not working like it used to? (Well, you know, you get older and things happen.)

Bill Gates got one (Bill Gates can afford it.)

They envy you (Why? ‘Cuz I know that Bill Gates got one?)

Hen (Heifer)

Your neighbors lost their alarm clock (I’m getting a little tired of this freakin’ alarm clock!)

Don’t speak to the parrot (Why? Did he take the alarm clock?)

Last offer – Discount Special for PE patch almost over! (Why didn’t you tell me this back in High School – I hated gym.)

Want to make a baby? nerygudi (Not really R2D2)

Erection still possible Lula (Really! Does the National Enquirer know?)

Urgent Neighborhood House assessment information (All I know is that the neighbors can’t keep track of their alarm clock. And their house is ugly too.)

Misconstrue exhumation (You either dig it up or not. What’s so hard about that?)

Replica for you (Only if its Hugh Jackman.)

Evaluate your local stores and keep what you buy. (I don’t know where you’ve been shopping, but I always get to keep what I buy.)

Anonymously (No, if I write a check, they usually know who I am – the names right there.)

Here’s some ideas about this Monday. (Let’s get this straight. Friday is spamarama day, not Monday. Don’t you even think about showing up on Monday.)

The Pastor's Cat

Bebo sent this to me and I thought it was hysterical and perfect for Hump Day humor.

A Paster had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The Pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.
The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the Pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.
He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.
The Pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten.
No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
She told the Pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

Where's the Ice

I hate this. It got up to 103 today with a heat index of 108. 108! One, zero, eight. I can't take this much longer - I hate heat. My asthma hates heat. My a/c hasn't gone off once today. Not to mention that the kamikaze caterpillars are back. Yeah, made my summer. It's too hot to cook - almost too hot to think about eating. Did I mention that it was hot? 108. And there's no relief in sight. Oh, wait. Towards the end of the week we may plummet to the cool temp of 99! Be still my heart. If I could figure out how to do it, my big ol' chair and I would be sitting in the freezer right now. My kingdom for an igloo. The kamikaze caterpillars seem to enjoy it though. Another reason to hate them. I opened the front door today and had one fall on my hand - yuck! I did see a big whooly black caterpillar the other day - means a hard winter. Football is starting. The state fair is in September. School starts in about a week. What do those three things mean? Fall. Cooler temps. Around the corner. Please let it be around the corner. Did I mention that I hate heat? Why Bailey, why are you still in Texas? I asked myself the same thing today when the little temp thingy on my toolbar turned red. Money. That's why I'm stuck in this hell-hole they call summer. 108!



On the brighter side, I forgot to mention that Raine nominated me as a Rockin' Girl Blogger. I'm really honored. I, on the other hand, can't seem to make a decision so I'm not nominating anyone. I know, party pooper. But it's too hot! I'm too hot! Oh please Fall, get here soon ...

Spamalot

Since I am having asthma problems this week, I decided to pull out the very first spamarama - April 20, 2006. If you've read it before I hope you enjoy it again. If you haven't - here's how it all started.

I’ve been doing something strange lately (stop that, get back here). I’ve been collecting spam subjects. Yes, spam. I just started looking at some of the subject lines and began laughing. You know how my mind works (don’t go there). Here they are, with comments by me in bold (of course).

Your neighbors have lost their alarm clock (And I’ll give it back when they get rid of those drums)
Pamela Anderson is in the neighborhood (Maybe she took the alarm clock)
I’ve got a job (I’ll be sure to tell Pam)
The speak he beseech (The silence I beg)
So have it sanitary behemoth (Not only that, but get it cleaned really good)
We need to talk (No we don’t)
Do you want women to run to you like the night butterflies fly to the light? (Uh, noooo)
Hello! (Hi yourself)
Get a $500 Home Makeover with participation! (I don’t want to participate – I want you to do it like Extreme Makeover and send me away while you work)
Did you know that statistics say that sex makes you look 12 years younger? (No, but how many 3 year old hookers do you see?)
With your Cialis soft tabs super effect she’ll be going like ooh-la-la (Like, they make you French?)
The clock is ticking for your skin (Not if it’s the neighbor’s clock)
Nice Rolex (Thanks. Got it from some guy in an alley)
Imagine what would happen if the king weren't able to father (Don't want to, I'm still caught up in that butterflies to the light thing)
Gotta second for me? (Nope. Beat it, scram, adios)
What do you think about it? (I don't know. What do you think about it?)
I found it! (Gee, I'll tell the neighbors)
Happy or Not (Yes, generally)
Need some help? (No, but Pam Anderson might)
Don't open! Don't do it! hehe (Don't worry, I won't!)
Whatcha up to? (Oh about 5'3")
Don't be alone once again (Naturally)
Sat untold (I do this all of the time)
Gotta sec? (Not really. I'm busy answering spam)
Citation sanctioned from Captain Brent Edwards (Pardoned by Captain America)
We watched as the kids skated in (And then our lovely daughter Mathilda fell and knocked everyone on their butts)
With Virility Patch your pe*** will be able to reach from New York to Los Angeles (I have to ask - why? Do you really want this?)
Necessary updates about your estate (I have an estate?)
Citation sanctioned from Deputy Grant Smith (Overruled by Deputy Dawgg)
From Oliver John, I Need Your Support (Mine? Try Bali)

How to Tell If Your Feet Stink

Got this from Bebo. BTW, the cats can't open the catfood container. *gg*

Cat Demands

Bubba here. We have Bailey gagged and tied up in the closet. It wasn’t easy, but running around her feet a few times got her to the floor. We have the following demands.

One – Catnip. Not that little bit in those pink fuzzy mice. The real stuff. The weed, man, the weed.

Two – Tuna. Not in springwater, but in oil. It’s good for our coats and those tacky hairballs.

Three – Me, Aidan and BooBear would like our balls back. We weren’t broke, we didn’t need fixing. We want what rightly belongs to us, it’s only fair.

Four – Garfield on the 2008 Presidential Ticket.

Is that all?
Aidan: The milk, the milk.

Oh yeah, five – milk with lots of cream. Even ice cream would be nice.

Is that it?
BooBear: Birds

I got it – six – Birds. Lots of them. I want to try one of them Ostriches.

That’s all, .... oh, what Neely?
Neely: soft pillows.

And Neely wants soft pillows, maybe made out of the feathers of those birds. Hehe

Get these seven things for us, and we’ll return Bailey.

Tomorrow Never Spams

Prepare yourself for this (Nothing you can do will surprise me)
A truly remarkable durg. (Obviously)
Wobbly cab driver (I guess he enjoyed that durg too.)
Face became very flushed and hot. (I know, I get that way when I think of Hugh Jackman)
Just talk to him. (Sometimes you come up with the most asinine ideas.)
Sorry, I’ll try to think harder. (Don’t hurt yourself.)
We know each other? (We were just … oh nevermind.)
Penis pill money back guarantee. (How do you get a penis to take a pill?)

I've been tagged!

Four things that should go into Room 101 and be removed from the face of the earth:

1. Lohan, Spears, Hilton and Richie.
2. Intolerance
3. Hunger
4. violence

Three things people do that make you want to shake them violently:

1. abuse animals
2. abuse people
3. play God

Two things you find yourself moaning about:

1. Money
2. work

One thing the above answers tell you about yourself:

1. That I’m a broke person who cares about everyone except Hollywood starlets.

I tag: Michelle, Lis and Loreth.

Rules: Link to the original meme at freelancecynic.com so people know what it’s all about! Be as honest as possible, this is about letting people know the real you! Try not to insult anyone – unless they really deserve it or are very, very ugly. Post these rules at the end of every meme.