Friday, November 14, 2008

Spamless, nothing more than, Spamless ...

Yepper, no spam today. Sorry. I looked through my spam folders and nothing, and I mean nothing, struck my fancy. And believe me, it's been so long since my fancy has been struck that I would have noticed. So I dug through some really old (okay, 2005/06) blog posts and found a couple of those silly college essay posts. Here you are, a sort of rerun since I took a couple of posts, picked the best and put them together. Have a great weekend!!

This is from Non Campus Mentis compiled by Professor Anders Henricksson, Workman Publishing, 2001. These are snippets from Essays by College students. Any misspellings are the fault of the students, not me or spell check.

Balboa was first to lay down his eyes on the Rocky Mountains. (I've lost more eyes that way.) Dick Cavett was the first European to visit Newfoundland. Cabot discovered the Netherlands and codfish. Captain Cook found many continents while deliberately on exhibition and located the perfect navel spot near Africa’s bottom.

Francis Drake was permitted by Queen Elizabeth to sail the seas and find illegal things to do with the Spanish. (Oooh, Antonio Banderas?)

This was the beginning of Empire when Europeans felt the need to reach out and smack someone. (So that’s when it began.)

Charles V spent most of his reign aging. (I hate when they do that.)

Henry VIII divorced his original wife, who had become old and impregnable. Elizabeth I was eventually the daughter of Henry the Ate. Mother to Elizabeth was Ann Beau Lynne, wife of the moment to Henry VIII. (Got that?)

Escaped peseants could be free if they went to a city and hid there for a hundred years and a day. (Really, you think that would work?)

Witch hunts erupted in countries such as Germany, England, Scotland and Salem. (Didn’t Massachusetts invade Salem?) The victim profile was older post-marsupial women unable to bare children. (Which is why they keep them in those little pouches.) Those arrested were torchured until they told a story. The worst of this could be the rack or burning with hot pokers. Some unfortunate women were made to endure the public duckling stool.

Philip II later annoyed the Dutch by speaking to them in Spanish, a language he did not understand. (Those Dutch are soo easily annoyed.)

If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgangy, central Europe, and India thus serrounding France. (Does Salem know about this?)

The German Emperor’s lower passage was blocked by the French.

There was Upper Egypt and Lower Egypt. Lower Egypt was actually farther up than Upper Egypt, which was, of course, lower down than the upper part. (obviously a future Government tax form writer.)

Babylon was similar to Egypt because of the differences they had apart from each other. Egypt, for example, had only Egyptians, but Babylon had Summarians, Acadians, and Canadians, to name just a few. (Ah, so this is what they meant by Upper Egypt)

The history of the Jewish people begins with Abraham, Issac, and their twelve children. Judyism was the first monolithic religion. It had one big God named “Yahoo.” (Does Google know this?) Old Testament profits include Moses, Amy, and Confucius, who believed in Fidel Piety. One of the only reasons Confucius was born was because of a Chinese tradition. (Hmmm, I think they have that particular tradition in other cultures.)

Plato invented reality. He was teacher to Harris Tottle, author of The Republicans. Lust was a must for the Epicureans. Others were the Vegetarians and the Synthetics, who said, “If you can’t play with it, why bother?” (Sounds like a good philosophy to me.)

Roman upperclassmen demanded to be known as Patricia. Senators wore purple tubas as a sign of respect. Around the 120s B.C. the Gretzky brothers failed to stop these and other injustices. (Wayne Gretzky really tried, honest.)

Augustus (a.k.a. Octogenarian) founded the Roman Catholic Empire and punished those involved in sibilancy and adultry. … Augustus did have to leave the Empire due to his death. (Ah heck ,they always use that excuse)

Christianity finally became official after the Emperor Constantine’s famous Decree of Consternation. Constantine became a Christian himself after being persued by a neon cross on the battlefield. The entire city of Constantinople rose up with a tremendous ejaculation every time the emperor came.


bebo said...

OMG *entire city of Constantinople rose up with a great ejaculation every time the emperor came*...

I don't know if I can handle the picture that paints in my brain...

And you know... that's a lotta heavy breathin' goin' on...

Tori Lennox said...

The German Emperor’s lower passage was blocked by the French.

This sounds VERY painful. *g*

Oh, man, this started out funny and got so hysterical by the end I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe!!!

Susan said...

I bet those tubas got heavy after a while!

These are too funny!

Brandy said...

I don't know about y'all, but I'm worried for the future. *G*

Olga said...

That was funny! I loved the names, too, especially Harris Tottle and Henry the Ate. Thanks for making me smile!

JJ said...

Oh My Oh My... What a sticky mess! LOL