Cats

Got this from Christa:

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year Eve Party. We turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat, we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...

Reading, Reviewing and Eating, Oh My

It feels good to review again. It feels good to be reading again. Please do check out my review of Loreth Anne White’s “Seducing the Mercenary” on Isn’t It Romantic. I absolutely loved this book. And if you haven’t read the other books in the Shadow Soldiers series – Why haven’t you? And if I’m reading again, can writing be far behind?

As most of you know, I have lost 30 lbs. But for some reason I have developed a deep craving for chocolate. Bebo will tell you that I’m not a big chocolate eater, nor do I crave chocolate. But I want it, and I want it now. Don’t get in my way. So I have fallen in love. Hershey’s Hugs. If you’ve had these, well, need I say more? And if you haven’t – Why haven’t you?

Jason Evans is having another short fiction contest called Restless Dawn. If you're interested, hop on over there - Jason's contests are always fun and draws some really great entries. Even if you don't want to enter, go over there and read the entries.

Gone With the Spam

Nobody will know about your problems. (Especially if I don’t tell you.)
Are you free? (No, I’m very expensive.)
Your date is here. (Oh Hugh!)
Watch him dance. (I’ve seen him dance, he’s quite good.)
My name is. Can I ask you? (No. And I’m not telling you my problems either.)
Stick to your date. (What are you going to use, super glue?)
What do you reckon about this, Maggie would know. (Who the hell is Maggie?)
Your penis can be so big your friends could play football on it. (Now wait a minute, is that American or English football?)


Update: For some reason I can't access Bailey's email, so if you need to email me you'll have to use the old email address. If you don't have it .... well .... hmmmm.

Funny Ads

These are advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country (or so we are led to believe)
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
- For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
- Great Dames for sale.
- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
- If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

It's Me

Sunday’s movie: Transformers (4 stars)

For months I thought I had a problem reading. I’ve been reading Sasha White’s “Lush” on the computer, and although I’ve been enjoying it (especially the second story), I keep having problems finishing it. Then Loreth Anne White’s “Seducing the Mercenary” came in the mail Friday and I’m almost half-way through it. What’s the difference? One is on the computer, the other in my hands. I wasn’t having a problem reading, I was having a problem with ebooks. I thought that buying the laptop would help me with this problem, but when I get on the computer I want to play games, IM, etc. – everything except read. So I apologize to Sasha, who was hoping for a review. I should have bought the book when I saw it in the store. I’m just not an ebook reader, I have to come to terms with that. I don’t think, even for the Shalvis, that I’m going to be able to read anything longer than a short story on the computer. And now that I’m on book restriction (I can’t buy any books at all), that’s going to really hurt.

The Hunchback of Notre Spam

You can fall into a room full of penises. (Date and time please.)
Too much fun. (You’re telling me?)
Every bit as fun as the real ones. (You mean they’re not real? Damn.)
Born again penises. (Born again? I never had one in the first place.)
Anything else? (I wasn’t born with wealthy parents either.)
SOLD OUT- limited offer – do you want Rolex? (If you’re sold out, how can you have a limited offer?)
Why settle for what you have? (Because I already have it?)
Remember youth? (Vaguely.)

Pet Lovers Manifesto

I've seen some of these before, but it's worth repeating. Happy Halloween!

- When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
- The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
- Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
- Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
- It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

Strange Day

Had a very pleasant Sunday. My mother’s sister Alice came in and she, Bebo and I had a nice lunch. I hadn’t seen my Aunt Alice since January, so it was wonderful to catch up with her, but at the same time it was kind of sad. She and mother were best friends, and she was married to my favorite uncle who we lost in January. It was … different. There’d been many potluck dinners in this house over the years, but never with just three people. It’ll take some getting used to. Cowboys didn’t play today, so no football to write about, so I guess this is it.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Spam

Trust our wonder-medicine and your penis will surprise you. (Surprise will be putting it mildly.)
Congratulations, you have been chosen to enjoy. (Enjoy what? Or am I to be enjoyed? Calling Hugh Jackman!)
Funny isn’t it? (I don’t think it’s funny.)
I’ve never laughed so hard! (You think it would be funny that Hugh Jackman might enjoy me?)
No offense. (No offense taken.)
Still upset about it? (I just consider the source.)
Get bigger and larger errections quickly. (By adding an “r”?)
Thank you for your time. (Don’t mention it. I mean it, please don’t mention it.)

A Woman's Ass

From Susan:

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting:
25% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

Bebo

October has been a tough month for my family. Both of my parents died in October. Saturday night, Bebo’s father passed away. We hate October. He’d been in hospice for a couple of weeks and his body finally gave out. So now Bebo has been through this hospice thing three times. Even though they were her in-laws, she took good care of my parents while they were in hospice. Death was not what she wanted to become an expert of. Please say a little prayer for her.

Ethan Spam

Hey you. (What?)
Your life. (What about it?)
Go nightmare. (Says who?)
Be strong, don’t worry. (I’m getting advice from spam?)
I’ll never let you down. (Great, spam Dear Abby.)
Drink it, forget it! (That’s the best advice you have?)
You’ll thank me later. (I doubt it.)
I appreciate you, friend. (Gee, how sickly sweet.)

Bath Tub Test

Got this from Bebo:

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"

It's Been a Year

Sunday has been a difficult day, the first anniversary of my mother’s death. Bebo and I went out to the cemetery this morning, but then she had a family thing she had to attend so I spent the day alone. Mother has constantly been on my mind, flashbacks to her last day. I would have thought that after a year the ache would ease, but it hasn’t. My mother was so much a part of my life, my support in times of need. We were very close. Now I start my second year without her and I can only hope that it’s better than the last. Thanks for putting up with my bit of self-pity, you are true friends.

The Old Man and the Spam

You’ll love this. (What now?)
With the help of our system you could become the man that you have always wanted. (I could become Hugh Jackman?)
Don’t understand why. (Because Hugh Jackman is “the man”.)
You will get noticed. (I believe it.)
October 78% off. (You can do that?)
It’s Kelly here, we should catch up sometime. (I know, I’ve been a bad blogster.)
Need to buy medications but don’t know where? (Um, try a drugstore.)
This is unbelievable! (They’ve been around for a while.)

Wednesday Jokes

These are from Susan:

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning." They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."


Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Manhattens.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station.We'll never forget you.'


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices as a beautiful blonde woman waves at him and says hello. He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

It's Monday

On Sunday Bebo and I watched Room 1408 and Fantastic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer. Both were good movies. If you like Stephen King you’ll enjoy Room 1408 and of course FF was full of great action.

On a sad note, one year ago today we put mom in hospice. It doesn’t seem like it’s been a year – she died on the 14th. I still miss her so much.

Spam and Sensibility

Great to be back. (yeah, a week without spam is a … week without spam.)
You okay now? (Feeling lots better, thank you.)
What can we offer you? (A million bucks would make me feel a whole lot better.)
You’ve received a postcard from a neighbor. (Are they looking for their alarm clocks?)
Pay attention, this one is moving. (Not after I bury it.)
If you do not tell, I will not. (Promise.)
Who will know? (The neighbors are getting a little suspicious.)
I think it is time. (Just don’t tell the neighbors.)

The Druggist

From Lis:


Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone".

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up."

"I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket."

"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook".

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. All the while, the phone was still ringing."

"When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

I'm Back

I’m finally beginning to feel better and will probably return to work on Tuesday. I know I have a couple of emails to answer, but it’s been a long day and I’m wiped out. I’ll answer y’all tomorrow. Got out today – went to Bebo’s and watched the Dallas Cowboys go 4 – 0 in a victory over St. Louis (yahoo!). The team is looking pretty good, especially our quarterback Tony Romo.

I know this is a short post, but I’m really tired. I hope you have a good week and I’ll talk to ya on Wednesday.