Cats New Years Resolutions

But before I get to that, this is for Ames, because she's been so desperate for them:

Cats New Years Resolutions (I didn't write them, Bebo emailed them to me)

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and
Throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of
Roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then
Pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get
The stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the
Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to
Sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I
Forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch
In my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is
Something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human
Has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to
Bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will
Really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt
To catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family
Room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are
*not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after
My human has watched a horror movie.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and
Growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the
Top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and
Stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important
Adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way that the
Scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn't as tasty.

Auld Lang Spam

Are he industry. (Now why can’t I find a job in that industry?)
The most beautiful timepieces. (Thank you. Let me just get that piece of dirt off them.)
We have it all! (Well not quite all. Some are still buried in the backyard.)
Oh my goodness … your penis is BELOW average size. (That’s because I’m a woman you idiot)
Boyfriend left you for some circus midget named “Thumb”. (It’s only because I gave him the finger.)
Get super-size for your willy on New Year Holiday! (Can I have fries with that?)
Allow your stem elongate and get more mighty in 2008! (If my stem elongates, you can bet I’ll be more mighty.)
With your new big rod you will easily spend 365 hot nights in a new year! (Oh damn, I hate the heat.)
Want to be a pornstar, now you can! (Oh yeah, that’s always been a lifelong ambition.)
Obtain a huge schlong for a new year! (You know, it’s the time to make new goals for yourself …)

Post about nothing

A couple of hours ago I realized that I needed to write a blog for tomorrow. It’s now 8:30 p.m. and I still don’t know what to say. So call this the post about nothing. I had a good day today. The only blemish was a visit from a beloved cousin who had only stopped by to drop off my birthday present and ended up spending the entire day and eating dinner with Bebo and me. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my cousin Janet very much, I often call her “mom” (she’s much older than I and has children my age), but she can be rather insensitive at times. On the day that I miss my mother the most, she chose to tell me all about our aunt who she thinks has Alzheimer’s and could I give her some tips on how to handle her, what to do with her, who can take care of her (which I very promptly said “not me, I’ve gone through that once already”). I didn’t need to be reminded of my mother so much, especially today. She also gave me a 3-piece microwavable spa set. Huh? What am I going to do with that? Talk about white elephants … although for my birthday she gave me this gorgeous sofa pillow with St. Nicholas on it. It will go well with my collection and is the perfect color. It’s also a present for the cats as it has tassels on it.

My sister gave me the complete first (and only) season of the Dresden Files! Yay!!!!! Bebo gave me Borders gift cards for both my birthday and Christmas presents. More yays. Let’s see – Brandy sent me this cute little box of candy. Thanks sweetie. My brother didn’t send me anything, not even a card. I suppose he considers calling me up and singing the Merry Birthday song was enough. Not. I sent him an ecard for his birthday AND called him. Men.

Oh, and I started the day by going out to the nursing home to see my sister. See, I’m being a good girl. (For those of you who are fairly new to the blog, I don’t get along with my sister – she thinks we do …)

See, look, you made it this far without barfing, so I guess its not that bad. So now I’m sitting here watching The Christmas Shoes for like the third time this season (it wasn’t what the TV guide said would be on), I’m too lazy to put this laptop down and find the remote.

Oh, and now my cousin wants to be included when Bebo and I go out! She wants to make it a threesome. Every once in a while yes, but not on a regular basis – please, not on a regular basis.

So here it is, my blog about nothing. At least there’s spam for Friday, right?

What did you get for Christmas?

btw - I bought Bebo "The Gift of the Magi" for Christmas. Thanks Devon!

Where are you Christmas

Where are you Christmas?
Why can't I find you?
Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me?
Why can't I hear music play?
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too?
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh
If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time
I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here in silence
Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you
Christmas
Fills your heart with love

From How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I don't know who wrote it.

Merry Christmas

I have a lot of memories of Christmas, most of them from my adult years. Oh, don’t get me wrong – I do remember Christmas as a child, but they’re mostly a blur, one meshing in with another until they become one long string of Christmases. No, I mean my memories of Christmas are much clearer after I became an adult. I no longer woke up before the break of dawn to rush my parents out of bed, but rather lay in my own, listening to the sounds of the house waking up, my parents whispering in the dining room, the smell of coffee. I’d join them, mother would wish me happy birthday, and we would read the paper quietly together. It wasn’t the same every Christmas; it depended upon whether the others (my sister, brothers and families) were coming in for Christmas breakfast or dinner. If it were breakfast, then the morning was a rush of orange juice cans, egg shells and coffee grounds. If dinner – well the smells of ham baking, or pies, or bread, the oven constantly going; the bustle of activity, last minute cleaning before the group arrived. Then I’d play Santa, sitting under the tree handing out presents, my own set aside. Watching the kids open their gifts – there’s no magic in the world that can compare. And then the dinner where there was more food than any one family could possibly eat. Turkey, ham, yams, potatoes, salads of every variety and color, desserts galore; stories and games, laughter and more eating. And love. A lot of love.

That’s my wish for you this Christmas – family, laughter, memories - but most of all, love.

It's a Wonderful Spam

Make all girls look at your stick with admiration. (From mighty oaks …)
Watch this stock TOMMORROW! (OKAY!)
Massive PE patch sale. (Will this get me out of gym?)
Print Grocery Coupons for your Holiday Meals. (I’d rather have food, thank you.)
Christmas 944396. (A space odyssey)
Grab yourself a present that just keeps on giving. (STD’s?)
Massive holiday discounts for massive rods! (Oh yeah, I’ve seen those at WalMart, in the penis section.)
Mar.Christ.Watches. (Jesus wore a watch?)
Perfect Christmas gift for your loved one is a bigger PE! (damn, I got Bebo a chia pet instead.)
Watch your fantasy lineup with a HDTV from Best Buy. (Hugh Jackman, George Clooney, James Denton, Alex O’Loughlin, Orlando Bloom …)
Wanna pass an unforgettable night? (Only if I can have my fantasy lineup.)
Real holiday miracle is waiting for your little willy! (The real holiday miracle is the Virgin birth – little willy had a long wait.)

Blue Christmas

I was having a so-so day, not good nor bad. Then I made the mistake of answering the phone when one of the credit card companies called. I've been ignoring their phone calls, but for some masochistic reason I answered this one. Big mistake. Now I'm in major depression mode. This guy was real aggressive, but in that patronizing way. "Couldn't you get a second job?" Um, if I could have I would have. "Do you have something you can sell to make a payment?" Well, there are the cats. I sit in the dark, the room lit only by the TV and Christmas tree. I sit in 40 degree weather without the furnace on. If I sell something it would be to pay the electric bill, not a credit card. "You have to get your priorities in order." You think? My Sears card is not my priority. Maybe I should just give up eating.

I'm late with my Christmas cards. They're ecards because I couldn't afford to buy cards. My ecard account is set up in my real name, so if you receive something from Bluemountain.com, it'll be from me. It isn't spam.

Sorry this isn't the greatest post in the world, but it's all I have to give at the moment. Y'all have a great Wednesday.

Cats 4, Tree 0

Bebo Ain't Gettin' Nuthin' for Christmas ...

‘Cuz Bailey is mad.

Bebo told me there was only one thing she wanted for Christmas – the new Harry Potter movie. I’ve spent a month or so trying to figure out how I was going to come up with the money to buy it. Friday night my boss called and wanted to know if I’d work an entire shift on Saturday (instead of my half day) and I said yes. $25 dollars. Just what I needed to buy her gift. I worked the entire day and came home one tired puppy. Bebo wanted me to call her, so I did. We talked and then she quietly said “I bought myself something today.”
“What?” I replied.
Hesitation. “The new Harry Potter movie”.
It was so quiet on my side that you could hear a cat’s whisker hit the floor. “Why?” I said through gritted teeth.
“I thought it would be the only way I’d get it”.
Wrong!!!!!!!! “I was going to buy that for you. Now what am I going to do?”
Silence on her side. “Well you’ve done that before. Buy something you wanted before Christmas.”
Not a good enough answer. You see, I always give people plenty of options for my gift, so if I happen to buy one of them, at least there would be other things they could get me. And I never did it this close to Christmas. She only wanted one thing. ONE THING! So just as the song goes “Bebo ain’t gettin’ nutin’ for Christmas.”

The Cowboys lost. That’s all I’m going to say on the matter.

Heard tonight that Dan Fogelberg has died of prostate cancer. He was 56. For those of you who have no idea who I’m talking about – as you listen to your radio play Christmas music and you hear the song “Same Old Lang Syne” (in which a man reminisces after meeting an old girlfriend by chance during the holidays) – that’s Dan Fogelberg. He also sang “Leader of the Band”.

I hope everyone has a great Monday. And remember, if it’s a week before Christmas, don’t buy anything for yourself.

Cats 3, Tree 0

Santa Spam is Coming to Town

Don’t envy well-hung guys. (Envy? No. Lust? Yes)
Make it longer and more powerful with our pills! (What do you do, add them to the end?)
750 dollars free only for you! (Everybody else has to pay for it.)
Self-pity is not for you! Fight for your male perfection! (Okay Mrs. Jackman, put up your dukes.)
To whom it may concern. (Sincerely yours)
An awesome sex toy for men! (Why thank you)
Looking for really effective non-surgery penis enlargement method? (no)
Turn your trouser mouse into a monster schlong in 2008! (well, if you’re gonna put it that way …)
Cup thoroughly. (Always.)

We're Baaaaack

For the uninitiated, these are the voices in my head. Be afraid, be very afraid.

What’s that?

It’s a cat. They’re all over the place.

I haven’t seen that much fur since Robin Williams.

You’re disgusting.

Thanks.

That wasn’t a compliment.

It wasn’t?

It’s nice to be back.

Where have we been?

I don’t know about you but I’ve been in the Bahamas.

And you picked now to come back?

Why?

It’s, like, 40 degrees out there.

Thank you, I hadn’t noticed.

It’s a little hard …

I was being facetious.

I’m Swedish.

Facetious isn’t a thing, it’s a … oh, never mind.

Although my mother’s family was Irish.

Do I look like I care?

How can I tell? We don’t have faces.

That was just an expression.

An expression of what?

Of my undying love and gratitude.

Oh thank … you’re being that thing again, aren’t you?

Facetious? How could you tell?

You should be nicer to me.

Why ever for?

It’s the Christmas season.

And?

Love and joy to your fellow man.

You’re right. I’m sorry. Merry Christmas Ern.

Merry Christmas Bud.

I want a Hippopatamus for Christmas ...

... because it couldn’t do much more damage to the tree than the cats have. It finally happened. One of the cats (read that to be Aidan or BooBear because the others were in the bedroom with me) knocked over the Christmas tree. Yes, you read that right. My seven foot tree hit the floor. Nothing damaged, thank goodness, just a little skewed. I only had to re-string the red and green beads. I’m not sure how they did it. I have boxes under the tree for decoration so they couldn’t have crawled under it. I’m assuming they crawled onto the boxes on the side of the tree and tried to crawl in it. I knew it was bound to happen.

Winter has finally arrived in North Texas. I wasn’t sure it ever would get here. Friday’s temp was 84 (we broke a record), but today it didn’t even make it to 50. It’ll be in the 40s for the next couple of days. Drizzly. I wouldn’t be surprised if we get some ice.

The Cowboys nearly gave me a heart attack on Sunday. They were behind for most of the game, got within a yard of a game winning touchdown (might I say there wasn’t a lot of time left on the clock) and they lost the ball. LOST IT!!! At the goal line. The Lions got the ball and went down the field, eating up time on the clock. Finally, the ‘boys got it back, Romo threw a long pass and TOUCHDOWN. They won the game 28 – 27. 1 point. But they clinched the division – playoffs here we come.

We all know we procrastinate. Some more so than others. But what if you could procrastinate AND do good for the world? At freerice.com they have a vocabulary game where for every word you get right, they donate 20 grains of rice to the United Nations. I’ve already donated several thousands. Christa told me about the site and it’s fun/addictive.

Hope y’all have a great Monday.

Frosty the Snowspam

Finally the solution to reduce your debt. ( You have a million dollars?)
Are you cold in the Winter and hot in the Summer? (Normally.)
Your bigger dick will be your best friend now! (Um, has anyone told Bebo?)
High paid positions with us. (What positions?)
Are you dreaming about big penis? (I was dreaming of a white Christmas, but now that you mention it …)
Your neighbors have lost their alarm clock. (Can’t they glue it down?)
At your doorstep. (Not there now.)
Be happy with it! (I don’t have their freakin’ alarm clock)

Winter Wonderland ... Not!

Cat Marsters/Kate Johnson is doing a really great thing over at her blog. Please go over and check it out.

Seamas is a shithead. (You know Bubba is in trouble when I call him by his proper name.) He keeps going over to the tree and pulling at the lights. While I’m sitting here. Like I don’t exist. I’ve yelled at him three times already. Now he’s coming over to me to try to kiss up. Good luck.

North Texas can’t decide what the temperature ought to be. Monday it didn’t leave the 40s and Tuesday it was almost 70. It’ll be near the 70s most of the week. I wasn’t sure how to dress for work Tuesday morning since we started out in the 30s.

I’ve been on a Christmas movie kick on the weekends. One of the channels is showing back-to-back tacky made for TV movies and I’ve been inhaling them, no matter how stupid they are. I just finished The Shalvis’ “The Trouble With Paradise” (and will be reviewing it soon) and I’m not sure what I’ll start on next. What are you reading?

Silent Night

As I sit here looking at the tree, I can’t help but laugh. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a beautiful tree – from the knees up it’s full of ornaments and lights; but from the knees down, well, it’s bare. There are strands of lights which have already been pulled askew, but not an ornament in sight. I’m many things, but stupid is not one of them. I have cats. Four of them. I like my ornaments, thank you. Many of them are Hallmark (insert copyright symbol here) mischievous kittens series, some “It’s a Wonderful Life”, and a couple of Thomas Kinkaid lovelies. Each one is precious to me, some more than others, and I’m not about to expose them to the destructive claws of my furbabies. I love them too, but short of using furry handcuffs (on them, not me), there’s not much I can do about it. They rarely do it in front of me but rather wait until the middle of the night to wreak their hairball havoc. I have an artificial tree and the limbs pull out easily to be happily strewn across the floor where I step on them in the morning. And they hurt. Like hell. Aidan is the most blatant offender, followed quite happily if not clumsily by Bubba. But then Aidan will eat anything: silk flowers, garbage bags, plants, etc. so what’s an artificial Christmas tree or two? Ribbons and bows on presents? That went out with the cavecat. They don’t bother the wrapping paper, no fun in that. But Neely Shae loves tags and ribbons, my own personal shredder. BooBear is the only one who seems to leave the tree alone, with only a sniff or two. But I know better, he’s a cat. And he has plans for that tree.