Tuesday, April 04, 2006

MacKenzie


MacKenzie

May 1999 - April 4, 2006


I wasn't completely truthful when I said I was sick. I am, just sick of heart. Telling you I was sick was a lot easier than having to give explanations that I wasn't ready to give. So I apologize for the little subterfuge, but I really couldn't handle it at the moment. I had to take my MacKenzie in to the vets yesterday morning and have her put to sleep. While I was spending so much time on Devlin, I didn't notice that something else was going on. MacKenzie was still pretty feral - probably 60% feral. So she spent her life here in this house living in my bedroom. She would come up to me if I was sitting on the bed and let me pet her, but only then. She lived in there with Neely Shae - they roamed the house at night. This was mainly because of Siobhan and Cassidy who were bullies. I thought things would be better with both of them gone (yes, this is the third cat I've lost since November - although Cassidy just went to another home), but they weren't. With Bebo's move into the house MacKenzie switched to living in my mother's room. For a month or so everything was fine. I'd open the door and she would be laying on the bed or sitting on the windowsill - in other words, she was out in the room. About the time that Devlin became ill I also noticed that MacKenzie was hiding more. She was staying under my mother's dresser. She would come out when I called her - sometimes. Whenever Bubba (Seamas) and Neely Shae were in the room she was fine then too (she had been with Bubba since he was a kitten). But after a while she no longer came out to be with them. She was hiding from them. We all have heard stories of animals who start hiding when they are ill. That was MacKenzie. It doesn't matter from what - the vet and I talked about it for weeks. MacKenzie was not happy, she could not be treated and there was no other option.

By the time I snatched Mackenzie from the yard in November of 2000, we (my brother Howard and I) had already managed to get her to come to us, rub against our legs (if we stood very still), but I had no intention of keeping her. My plan then was to take her on up to the pound and have her humanely put down. I knew that that was better than living on the streets. But I couldn't do it and ended up keeping her. So in a way I gave her almost 5 1/2 years of love (as much as she would allow), food, companionship, etc. that she had never known before.

After she was gone I elected to hold her for a few moments. You see, I could never hold her before - she wouldn't let me. I like to think that she's free now - free from being scared of other cats, free to run and jump and lay in whatever sun is available wherever she is. I firmly believe in the rainbow bridge - I know that when I'm gone, the animals that I've loved will run across a bridge and greet me. Maybe she'll let me hold her again then.

38 comments:

ruby55 said...

Oh, Eve, I'm so sorry to hear of your sorrow. She must have been a very special cat and she looks so special too. Her eyes are so luminous. I'm so sorry that you had to do something like this. I guess with all the cats that you have, it's very hard to always pay attention to what each one is going through, especially if she doesn't come to you asking for your attention. I know she must have felt more comfortable with you than she would ever have felt elsewhere. But like humans who have been abused or neglected, I guess she was afraid to really love someone. So you definitely gave her uncondotional love and acceptance and I'm sure she knew that.

Keep her in your heart--you had her for more than 5 years and pets become a part of your life.

Yesterday was kind of a sad anniversary for me. My father went home 23 years ago on April 4, an Easter Monday. A friend came over and we reminisced a little about him. She actually came to help my mother with cleaning during my father's illness.

Yes, we can keep our loved ones, human or animal, alive in our memories though their passing will always bring sorrow and the memories will be bittersweet.

Don't apologize. I wouldn't have been able to communicate with others either and most of your other friends will feel the same. So grieve for a while. Take some time off from writing if need be but don't beat yourself up about things you can't do. You are also loved unconditionally.

I hope things will work themselves out soon and that you'll feel up to continuing your manuscript.

God bless you. Hugs and prayers.

Kate Hardy said...

Eve - hugs - so sorry to hear the news. Hard decision but you did the right thing, and you gave her a much better life than she would've had as a feral cat.

Diane said...

Oh no! You are having so much bad luck and heartache at the moment - with everythimg. I wouldn't have bothered you with my little problem had I known.

(((((EVE)))))

xxx

Joely Sue Burkhart said...

Eve, I'm so sorry about MacKenzie!! When our dog, Bear, died over a year ago, we told the kids that he was in heaven with Grandpa P. I can just see him laying at Grandpa's feet on the old front porch, Grandpa rocking, just waiting to welcome us. And I bet MacKenzie will let you hold her, then, too. You gave her a wonderful life and love.

Shirley said...

Oh, Eve, so sorry to hear your sad news. It's a dreadful decision to have to make, even when you know it's the right one, the *only* one.
I hope that knowing you gave her a safe, loving home for so long will help.

Scott said...

Eve, I hate to hear that you had to go through that. I forget what movie it was, but Kevin Bacon as the father said that having a dog (or a cat if you will) is setting yourself up for heartache. We are thinking about getting a dog and that is the thought that is running through my head, that my kids will be teenagers when it inevitably passes. But I know the time spent with a loving pet is worth the grief at the end. The memories are invaluable.

Dennie McDonald said...

Eve - I am so sorry

You're right, you gave her a lot of love!

Peggy said...

So sorry, Eve, and lots of hugs. Always a tough call, but in the end probably the right thing to do. Sounds like you gave her 5 1/2 great years.

jason evans said...

Very sorry, Eve. She had a peaceful end with you there.

Susan said...

Oh Eve, I'm so sorry! :,( I do know how you feel and how hard that decision is to make having had to do the same myself. Mackenzie was a lucky cat to have your love and compassion for 5 1/2 years.

Lots of Hugs, prayers and love sent to you.

Toni Anderson said...

Poor poor MacKenzie. She's OK now.

Meretta said...

Hugs, Eve. Lots and lots of them.

Bailey Stewart said...

I'm okay - thanks for the hugs. It was hard, but you're right - she's better now.

I won't be around much today - we're having company tonight and I have GOT to get this house cleaned. But I will be taking breaks and I'm almost done with my blogging, so I'll be checking in.

Carol said...

Eve, I'm so sorry, too! I know how hard this is for you. I lost my kitty, Mittens, a while ago and it was so hard and now my other kitty is nineteen so I don't know how much longer I will have her. You gave MacKenzie a good life and you loved her and I'm sure she knew that! I think of that when I think of Mittens. Big Hugs!

Bailey Stewart said...

Thank you Carol. It's really hard on top of just losing Siobhan a few months ago and with this battle for Devlin's life.

Okay - there's a kitchen floor with my name on it. I hate scrubbing floors.

ruby55 said...

Hope you get a lot done today, Eve. Sometimes cleaning or doing something that doesn't need a lot of concentration is the best medicine for heartache.

I was just at Jill's blog. I see you haven't lost your sense of humor and that's good. If you want to find out what's going on here, you can find out at Jill's. Long story.

Bailey Stewart said...

I know - I saw it. And I don't think you're paranoid, that is a strange coincidence.

Amie Stuart said...

Aw honey I"m so sorry!!!!!!

(((((((((((Eve)))))))

Rene said...

I'm so sorry, I know it is tough making that decision. Hugs for a better day today.

Jill said...

Eve, I'm so sorry!!!

Brandy said...

Eve, I am so sorry. We have had to do that before. I know how hard it is emotionally. But, she had your love for 5 1/2 years. Way more than she would have had if you had not taken her into your home. May God bless you with the strength and courage to continue to love all that need it.

catslady said...

I'm soooo sorry Eve. Although so many times there's that feeling that you should have done something different, you did your best and gave her your love.

I've had to put down 2 beloved dogs. The first vet did not let me go in with her and I can still see her looking at me. I made sure I was with our second dog but then I always think I kept her too long becuse I couldn't bear to let her go.

I also have and take care of feral cats and they are a special challenge. My first one sounds very much like your MacKenzie. She is now 11 and it's only within the last few years that she will come to me and sometimes sit on my lap but she stays away from the other cats and is very jumpy. Her sister is one of my outside ferals who I can pet only if I am crouched at the door while feeding her. I always wonder which one of the two are happier.

Soon you'll be able to remember the happy times that you both shared.

Bailey Stewart said...

Thanks - if there is one consolation in all of this its that if I had to lose a cat at least I lost the one of the two that I am the least emotionally attached to (Neely Shae being the other). Plus, once Bebo moves out (which should be the end of April) no doors in this house will have to be shut to keep cats separated.

Well, just woke up - yep, I ended up having to take a nap. I haven't been sleeping well (ever since the 1 1/2 sleep that I had last Thursday night) and have had no naps since last Friday and I just gave in. Now I have 3 hours till company gets here and a lot to do - yikes!

Lis said...

Oh Eve, *huge hugs* I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to put one of your beloved animals down.

Bailey Stewart said...

Thanks Lis.

Melissa Marsh said...

Hugs, dear Eve. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

Olga said...

Eve, lots of hugs. I'm truly sorry.

Bailey Stewart said...

Thank you Melissa and Olga.

Sandy J said...

Eve, my heart goes out to you! Hugs to you on this sad day.

glenice said...

oh sweetie!!! Thanks for emailing me and letting me know! I know it was hard, but she is much better now!

It would appear that in one way or another your brother is getting his way!!! Which is not fair at all...

love and hugs!!!!!!!!!

Bailey Stewart said...

I never thought of it that way, but you're right.

christa said...

I haven't been here very long but I can tell you have a very caring soul and MacKenzie benefitted from that.

Bailey Stewart said...

Thank you Christa. I try. Sometimes, though, I feel like I care too much.

Tori Lennox said...

Eve, I'm so sorry. *hugs*

Bailey Stewart said...

Thanks Tori.

Susie said...

I really feel your pain. I remember seeing McK through the bedroom door sitting on your bed. I don't think I ever got past the threshold before she dove to get under the bed. But she was a beautiful cat. We had spoken about your decision to put her down but it doesn't less the pain. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

Eve, this is your cousin Joan. I am just catching up with your blog. My heart hurts for you. I know how much those furry family members mean to you. How are Dylan and Bubba doing? My thoughts are with you...

Bailey Stewart said...

Thanks Susie and Joanie.

Devlin (yes, Devlin sweetie, not Dylan - Dylan's my nephew and as far as I know, he's fine) is still holding in. He had some seizures last night, but none today that I've noticed. That's the hard part - you really wouldn't notice most of them if you weren't looking.

Oh and Joanie - you just need to click other and put in the name - you don't have to put a webpage (I don't think)