Tuesday, December 19, 2006


Don’t look down your nose at the cat fur on my black leggings. Don’t you know that’s the latest fad? Clothing designers all over the world are running out into the streets, grabbing cats and rubbing them all over their designs. Then they find homes for the kitties. Gets PETA off their backs.

What do you mean, haven’t I done my baking? Of course I have. I’ve eaten them all.

Why do I have to decorate the back of my tree? Nobody’s going to squeeze between the wall and the tree to see the decorations. Oh, you did? Bite me.

How dare you put that cart in the empty space that I’m about to pull into, smile at me and then walk across the parking lot to the restaurant to eat. Choke on it.

Don’t give me that look as I walk by your kettle Mr. bell ringer. I emptied my coin purse at the kettle in front of Walgreens. If you don’t like it, go find him and make him share.

Thank you so much for coughing into the hand that is holding my change, smile at me and then place it into my hand. May a thousand elves invade your home in the middle of the night and rearrange your furnishings. Hide your car keys too.

No, I don’t want to taste a sample of your wonderful product that’s been sitting on that table all morning while millions (okay, maybe thousands) of people have walked by and sneezed on it. If I wanted to get sick I’d get my money out and rub it all over my face.

I like to buy four containers of cat litter and a large bag of food. No, they’re not for my cats, they eat garbage and crap on the floor. I’m sending this stuff to DKNY for more fur splattered leggings.

Yes, I have finished all of my Christmas shopping. No, I didn’t get you anything. Want some cat fur leggings?

Yes, I’m a writer. No, I’m not published. I don’t believe in it. Just gets in the way of my creativity.

Um, excuse me, Hello! You’ve left your cart in the middle of the empty aisle while you walk around the corner. Next time you do that I’m liable to start tossing stuff in there while you’re not looking. Imagine your surprise when you get to the check-out counter and pull hemorrhoid cream, yeast infection cream, a pregnancy test and a box of Trojans out of your cart. And then you discover the stuff I’ve put in there.

No, I don’t have cats. These are designer cat hair flannel shirts. It’s the new faux fur. They match my leggings.

No, I'm not going to rake the leaves in my yard. I'm waiting for the tree to be done with them. Besides, if I wait long enough they will have all dispersed into my neighbors tree-less yards and I won't have to worry about them.

I don't decorate my presents with ribbons and bows, cat hair is sufficient.

Chocolate-Peanut Butter Cookie Pizza

1 (18-oz) roll of refrigerated Chocolate Chip cookie dough

1 (8-oz) pkg cream cheese, softened
½ cup creamy peanut butter
1 cup powdered sugar
¼ cup milk
1 cup frozen whipped topping, thawed
¾ cup hot fudge ice cream topping
¼ cup chopped peanuts

Heat oven to 350.
-Remove cookie dough from wrapper. With floured fingers, press dough evenly in bottom of ungreased 12-inch pizza pan.
-Bake for 15 to 20 minutes or until golden brown. Cool 30 minutes or until completely cooled.
-Meanwhile, in medium bowl, combine cream cheese, peanut butter, powdered sugar and milk; beat until smooth. Fold in whipped topping.
-Spread ½ cup of the fudge topping over cooled baked crust. Spread peanut butter mixture over top. Drizzle with remaining ¼ cup fudge topping. Sprinkle with peanuts. Refrigerate at least 30 minutes or until serving time. Cut into wedges or squares.

Prepare the cookie pizza crust up to a day ahead of time. After it’s cooled, wrap it tightly in plastic and store at room temperature until you’re ready to top it off.

Tonight’s movie:
Charlie Brown Christmas
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (original)
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Happy Birthday Kelly Parra!!!

And don't forget, Jill's giving away the ARC of her upcoming book Smart and Sexy. You have until December 22.


Brandy said...

Hahaha! Love the one about rubbing money on your face to get sick! Awww, actually I loved all these!!
And I so get the cat hair thing!! Which sucks, because I wear A LOT of black. My Mom used to say black attracts everything but men and money. So I'm guessing your leggings were black! *GG*

Brandy said...

Oh, and Happy Birthday Kelly!

raine said...

Lemme guess.
You've been shopping, yes?
(and I'm with you on the shopping carts, & the inane questions people ask..."so, you have cats, huh?"...well duh...).

Sandy J said...

OMG! I can't catch my breath for laughing so hard. And I definitely needed a good laugh tonight.

Shirley said...

Oh I *love* these.
I am so with you on the cat hair thing.

Sasha White said...

*grin* Can I just print out your email and hand it to peopel while I shop?

Love the recipe, it sounds YUMMY!

Dru said...

I love all of them! What a good way to start the morning. I liked the one where you toss all kinds of things into the shopping cart. Hmm, I should do that the next time someone leaves their cart in my way.

Happy Birthday Kelly!

Michele said...

This was GREAT, Bailey!
DId you create these all by yourself with your internal dialogue duo?

yep, the bell ringer guy gives me the hairy eyeball all the time.

LOL on the elves rearranging furniture.

Thanks for the laugh to start my day!

Toni Anderson said...


Bailey Stewart said...

Brandy - my leggings are black ... and orange, and white, and brown, and ...

Raine - only partly, some of it was work on Saturday.

Sandy - I'm glad I could give you a chuckle.

Shirley - you're buying designer cat-fur clothing?

Sasha - you go right ahead sweetie, I'm really in the mood. ;)

Dru - thank you. Yes, they deserve it.

Michele - I created these all on my own and it felt good. Now, spam is me too - but they're easy, you just respond to their stupidity. The voices is free-conscious rambling with no real set "parameters". I didn't write the Santa stuff, so this was my first "creative" work in a while.

FBA - aren't you up awfully early?

I'm going to have today - I work 9-5 and didn't get to bed until after 3:00 this morning (doing "stuff" *gg*), so I'm toast. Also, the computer is acting up again, we're back to the slow creepies. But that will be changing soon. *mysterious smile*

Joely Sue Burkhart said...

Hee, priceless, Bailey!

Carol said...

Happy Birthday Kelly!

Those were great! I loved them all!

Tori Lennox said...

Feeling just a tad stressed by the holidays? *g*

Meretta said...

Someone's been bitten by the cranky Christmas bug! ;)

Seriously. VERY funny.

Melissa Marsh said...

Bailey, these were TOO funny!

And that recipe sounds divine!

Susie said...

You are obviously having a wonderful holiday experience with shopping, baking and clever ways to greet Santa on Xmas morning. (rofl)

Susie said...

Happy birthday Kelly!

Siobhan said...

These are soooooo funny. *VBG* I just hate it when people leave a shopping cart in the ONLY free parking space.

Kelley said...

LOL. Those are great. Just love this time of year.

christa said...

I went into a dollar store yesterday and the carts were just left everywhere plus they had set up those bins of stuff they really want to get rid. I really couldn't move anywhere. I just turned and walked out to the next store, Wal-mart.

Susan said...

These were all sooo funny! I can completely identify with the cat fur. :(

I think you're trying to make my gain weight with all of the yummy recipes!

Happy Birthday Kelly!

Saskia Walker said...

I wear black and have a black cat with just the tiniest smidgen of white fur, and yet it's ALWAYS white fur stuck all over me!

Love your attitude, Bailey ;)

Jordan Summers said...

Tis the season to be...(you fill in the blank *ggg*)

Sue aka MsCreativity :-) said...

ROFL!!! Thanks for the laugh!
Sue :-)

catslady said...

OMG I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. They are all me. I'd be a millionaire if I could harvest the hair and sell it lol. Thanks for a good laugh.

Happy Birthday Kelly!

Lis said...

Let me guess, someone's been in a mall? *g* lol, why do people lose their minds at the holidays?

ruby55 said...

Hmm. That cookie pizza sounds intriguing--if ever get around to baking again. All these acronyms: PETA, DKNY.

Yeah, I love it too when people cough into their hands and then want to shake hands with me or give me tainted money.

Some great and "biting" observations.

Hope Sunday didn't turn out too badly and that you had a good time in spite of everything.