Harrumph

Don’t look down your nose at the cat fur on my black leggings. Don’t you know that’s the latest fad? Clothing designers all over the world are running out into the streets, grabbing cats and rubbing them all over their designs. Then they find homes for the kitties. Gets PETA off their backs.

What do you mean, haven’t I done my baking? Of course I have. I’ve eaten them all.

Why do I have to decorate the back of my tree? Nobody’s going to squeeze between the wall and the tree to see the decorations. Oh, you did? Bite me.

How dare you put that cart in the empty space that I’m about to pull into, smile at me and then walk across the parking lot to the restaurant to eat. Choke on it.

Don’t give me that look as I walk by your kettle Mr. bell ringer. I emptied my coin purse at the kettle in front of Walgreens. If you don’t like it, go find him and make him share.

Thank you so much for coughing into the hand that is holding my change, smile at me and then place it into my hand. May a thousand elves invade your home in the middle of the night and rearrange your furnishings. Hide your car keys too.

No, I don’t want to taste a sample of your wonderful product that’s been sitting on that table all morning while millions (okay, maybe thousands) of people have walked by and sneezed on it. If I wanted to get sick I’d get my money out and rub it all over my face.

I like to buy four containers of cat litter and a large bag of food. No, they’re not for my cats, they eat garbage and crap on the floor. I’m sending this stuff to DKNY for more fur splattered leggings.

Yes, I have finished all of my Christmas shopping. No, I didn’t get you anything. Want some cat fur leggings?

Yes, I’m a writer. No, I’m not published. I don’t believe in it. Just gets in the way of my creativity.

Um, excuse me, Hello! You’ve left your cart in the middle of the empty aisle while you walk around the corner. Next time you do that I’m liable to start tossing stuff in there while you’re not looking. Imagine your surprise when you get to the check-out counter and pull hemorrhoid cream, yeast infection cream, a pregnancy test and a box of Trojans out of your cart. And then you discover the stuff I’ve put in there.

No, I don’t have cats. These are designer cat hair flannel shirts. It’s the new faux fur. They match my leggings.

No, I'm not going to rake the leaves in my yard. I'm waiting for the tree to be done with them. Besides, if I wait long enough they will have all dispersed into my neighbors tree-less yards and I won't have to worry about them.

I don't decorate my presents with ribbons and bows, cat hair is sufficient.


Chocolate-Peanut Butter Cookie Pizza

Crust:
1 (18-oz) roll of refrigerated Chocolate Chip cookie dough

Topping:
1 (8-oz) pkg cream cheese, softened
½ cup creamy peanut butter
1 cup powdered sugar
¼ cup milk
1 cup frozen whipped topping, thawed
¾ cup hot fudge ice cream topping
¼ cup chopped peanuts

Heat oven to 350.
-Remove cookie dough from wrapper. With floured fingers, press dough evenly in bottom of ungreased 12-inch pizza pan.
-Bake for 15 to 20 minutes or until golden brown. Cool 30 minutes or until completely cooled.
-Meanwhile, in medium bowl, combine cream cheese, peanut butter, powdered sugar and milk; beat until smooth. Fold in whipped topping.
-Spread ½ cup of the fudge topping over cooled baked crust. Spread peanut butter mixture over top. Drizzle with remaining ¼ cup fudge topping. Sprinkle with peanuts. Refrigerate at least 30 minutes or until serving time. Cut into wedges or squares.

Tip:
Prepare the cookie pizza crust up to a day ahead of time. After it’s cooled, wrap it tightly in plastic and store at room temperature until you’re ready to top it off.

Tonight’s movie:
Charlie Brown Christmas
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (original)
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Happy Birthday Kelly Parra!!!

And don't forget, Jill's giving away the ARC of her upcoming book Smart and Sexy. You have until December 22.