Thursday, March 23, 2006

Revenge of the College Essays II (or is that III?)

Reluctant Reunion word count: 4,138
Tonight's Word count: 215 (muses decided it was too cold for running around nekkid)




Some of you are already familiar with my favorite book Non Campus Mentis, which is a compilation of real college history essays compiled by Professor Anders Henriksson (Workman Publishing, New York, 2001), but they always bear repeating. I've tried to put new ones in, but since I don't remember exactly where I left off last time (and, if I remember correctly I jumped around the last time) there may be some repeats here - but they're always good for a laugh. As before, everything is typed exactly as in the essays and any comments I feel the need to make are in bold. Have fun.



The hiring of prefessional armies made aggression more controlled and intimate. The Prussian army, for example, would surprise young men by grabbing them in unfair places and sending them to Shanghigh. (I just love it when young men are grabbed in unfair places.) Gustav Adolf Hitler perched on the Swedish throan and looked droolingly at Germany.


The Thirty Years War began with the Defacation of Prague. Prague was capitol of Bulemia, where they always knew the emperor ahead of time. (That's because he thew up everywhere.)


These good times ended when England suffered Civil War between the Musketeers and the Round Ones. (Annette vs. Charlie Brown, cool.) Oliver Cromwell solved this and other problems by removing prominent things from people who disagreed with him. (Which is why he didn't have an army, no unfair places to grab.) The Anglo-Dutch Trade Wars broke out because of trade and possibly not. Winston Churchill helped begin a New England colony. (That Winston Churchill, he was into everything.)


King James Stuart Charles I was beheaded in 1649 and restored with his family several years later. (But he suffered from terrible headaches)


East of the back of the beyond were the Russians, who knew nothing at all during this period. (you really need a comment here?) Russian nobles wore clothes only to humour Peter the Great. Peter filled his cabinet with accidental people and built a new capital near the European boarder. (Oliver Cromwell could have done this if he hadn't removed those prominent things)


Frederick William the Electrode fought on both sides of several wars (along with his trusty sidekick Magnetic Boy)


It was the 18th century Enlightenment that contributed most to the 17th century (But isn't that against the space/time continuum?) The Enlightenment was a reasonable time that seeped slowly into one of Europe's ears and then creeped out the other. (I'm sure it creeped out many things. Hey, wasn't that in Wrath of Khan?) Philosophy was based on falsies and this led to shaky foundations (Gypsy Rose Lee, the Mother of Philosophy?)


In Deism God has no direct influence on daily life, but just watches like a movie, eating his candy and munching his popcorn. (But does he have his cell phone off?)

And last, but certainly not least:

When not working in the church, Bach composed pieces on a spinster in his home (You think I'm touching this one?)

33 comments:

ruby55 said...

Hey, I'm first--unless someone else is already commenting.

Oh, I really love these. A belly-ache a second. Once again I needed that. After all, laughter cures many ills.

Were the (comments) yours? College students!?! I should get my nieces and nephews to read these. They're all over 18, except the youngest. He just turned 17. He was born the same day as the crash over Lockerbie, Scotland. I can always relate those 2 events.

Another I can remember is the day Sputnik was first put into orbit. It was on my youngest uncle's birthday in the year we moved to our new house: Oct. 4, 1957. Wow. That'll be 50 years ago next year. Help, I'm ancient!

Did I send you my favorite blooper? I may have commented on the blog after the last ones.

ruby55 said...

Oh, and I did mean belly-ache not -laugh. My belly muscles aren't used to this much laughter *bg*.

The blooper was about Sir Francis Drake.

Brandy said...

Couldn't sleep, thought I'd look around and what do I find? That the Educational system is scarier than I thought. Good grief. Are people that far into school really that OUT OF IT? SCAREY!!!! I did enjoy your comments. Very funny.

Bailey Stewart said...

Ruby, yes the comments in bold are mine.

Brandy - I know, sometimes I wonder if this is funny or scary.

Toni Anderson said...

It is so funny. And scary. LOL.

Dennie McDonald said...

those are a riot!

Meretta said...

These are wonderfully entertaining! Thanks for sharing, Eve. :)

Diane said...

These had me laffing out loud again - and at work too. Tsk.

Bailey Stewart said...

Diane - *gg*, oh but I love to make you do that (snicker)

Sandy J said...

These are great! I love the King James Stuart Charles I one.

Melissa Marsh said...

OMG. These are HILARIOUS. And since I have my MA in History, they're even MORE hilarious!

Bailey Stewart said...

Sandy - I love them all.

Melissa - yes, we with degrees in history really get a kick out of these.

Shirley said...

These had me laughing out loud - again. I agree though; it's frightening.

Bailey Stewart said...

But if you really think about it - he collected this stuff for 30 years - both from his own students and contributions by colleagues from over two dozen universities and colleges. And when you think about how many students have gone through those doors in all of those years, it's not really that bad. Right?

Tori Lennox said...

Frederick William the Electrode fought on both sides of several wars (along with his trusty sidekick Magnetic Boy)

Your addition makes this one just plain hysterical!!!!!

Bailey Stewart said...

When I first began to post these I didn't have any plans for commenting, but of course as I'm typing they kept popping in my head so I had to include them.

Scott said...

Those are so funny! This was like watching America's Funniest Home Videos.

christa said...

I love these. Managed to get the back patio doors done and then I killed the vacuum about halfway through my sister's living room.*gg*
Yeah the bunny slippers are back.
If you turn up the heat, will the muses run around nekkid again?

Siobhan said...

These are so funny! ROTFL! They reminded me of some real howlers made by 15-16 year olds in their exams in the UK. So I've posted about them. Stop by my bravenet site and have a look! Hope y'all have a great weekend (()):**

Bailey Stewart said...

Scott - yeah, I know what you mean.

Christa - the heat was up - this house is 46 years old and drafty (I was lying there in bed last night and could feel a cold breeze coming through the window next to me). So you killed a vacuum cleaner?

Siobhan - on my way over.

Lis said...

lmao Too good!! I love stuff like this. Great comments, I think my face was already commented on earlier, the sidekick magnetic boy!

Bailey Stewart said...

Lis - I'm glad you liked them. The book is hysterical.

Lis said...

I'll have to check it out.
Just noticed my little typo lol Gotta love days like this

Bailey Stewart said...

But some typos are so interesting.

Lis said...

true :o)

christa said...

Yup Eve that would be the vacuum cleaner and I killed it never to start again. Sorry it took so long to get back to you but I had to watch my soap and then was on the road back from Toronto.

Bailey Stewart said...

Are you saying that your soap is more important than me? LOL

christa said...

Today was an important day on the soap. We got to find out what traumatic event caused a character to have a split personility(alters). At least she only has 2(that we know of) her mother had like 5.

Bailey Stewart said...

Yeah, Jessica. I know all about it - even though I don't watch. What's with that? How come I pick up all of this useless information?

christa said...

So Jess/Tess is pregnant and they don't know if the baby is Jess and Antonios or Tess and Nash's. How screwed up is that?

Bailey Stewart said...

Sounds like a soap opera to me. :)

ButterflyLane said...

Soaps are scary.
The truly terrifying thing about those essays is that some of them were undoubtedly written by education majors (who I have discovered tend to have the majority of the dumbest students at my college). Many of these sweet but dim souls can't spell to save their lives, can't grasp basic math, and can't figure out that a sign saying "Please do not reshelve books" applies to them, too. The thought that these idiots might wind up teaching my children terrifies me. (I'd homeschool them, but hubby won't let me.)

Bailey Stewart said...

I know (sigh) ... but it's still funny :)