It's a Re-Run

Pulled this out of my archives because it pretty much describes what my Thursday will be. Glenice arrives Friday sometime, and the house is still a mess. Of course, things have changed since this was written last year - Mom, of course, is gone; Devlin, Cassidy and MacKenzie are no longer with us either, but the sentiments are the same.

Anyway, my car broke, the temp is dropping, and my feet are killing me. I've had a rotten day, so am off to bed early. Have a good Thursday!

The Day Before Glenice

Twas the day before Glenice, and all through the abode,
Every creature is stirring, we’re in cleaning mode.

The curtains are hanging, all washed and dried,
Not a sign of the cat hair I’m trying to hide.

A kitten is nestled all snug in my bed,
While visions of catnip dance in his head.

Mama in her recliner Cass in her lap,
Who’d just settled down for a little cat nap.

When back in the study there rose such a din,
I dived under the bed afraid to go in

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen blinds
Gave a brief warning of the mess I would find.

When what to my startled gaze should pop out,
But the mischievous Bubba the culprit no doubt.

With a flick of his tail so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment I was gonna be sick.

More rapid than eagles his side-kicks he blamed
On each other he pointed and called them by name –

“Twas Aidan, no Neely, was Devlin, he cried,
Or ‘Kenzie and Cassidy.” I wanted to hide

From the top of the couch to the newly clean floor
Lay a scattering of papers and so much more.

As dry kibbles before hungry cats are scattered
Lay newspapers and files all left in tatters

So into the study the suspects they flew
With a flurry of cat hair, a hairball or two.

And then from the closet behind yon closed door
I heard a faint pawing and mewing and more

I stepped into the room and was turning the knob
For the sounds from within meant he was finishing the job.

He was covered in stuffing from his head to his foot
Some boxes in shambles my ornaments kaput

A bundle of string he had caught in his claw
And looked so damn innocent in spite of it all

His eyes how they twinkled his whiskers did quiver
As he pounced on his victim a small glass sliver

From the antique balls we once hung on our tree
Had been handed down to little ol’ me.

The head of a snowman he held tight in his teeth
And the fragments of tinsel circled his head like a wreath

He had a round face and a little round belly
That shook as he leaped from the floor to the telly.

He was chubby and plump a right jolly old kitten
And I laughed when I saw him though I wouldn’t admit it

A blink of my eyes and a twist of my head
Showed the culprit not Bubba, but Devlin instead.

He mewed not a word but went straight to his work
And I smiled down at Bubba, I felt like a jerk

And laying my hand on the side of Dev’s nose
I gave it a whack and a shout of “No, No.”

He sprang from the set, past the kitties he flew
And away down the hall, in his mouth was my shoe

And I heard him meow as he dove out of sight
“Good luck with this house Glenice arrives morrow night.”

Happy Birthday Jeanne

Happy Birthday who?

Catslady.

But is says Jeanne.

She goes by catslady. Like Eve goes by Bailey. It’s an aka.

Huh?

Also known as. It’s a name that people use when they want to be anonymous, or incognito.

Where’s Cognito?

Cognit, er, incognito. It isn’t a place, it’s not “in” anywhere. It’s when you’re in disguise.

Lucy in the sky with diamonds.

Not in the sky. In disguise. Undercover.

I was under the covers last night and I didn’t see any Cognito.

Sometimes I worry about you.

Thank you.

That’s not a good thing.

If you say so. Jeanne is catslady?

Yep.

Why?

Why what?

Does it mean she has better manners than catwoman? Meow.

You’re a moron Ernie.

Who?

You are.

No, I mean what did you call me?

Ernie. That’s what you’re called now. Bailey gave it to you last week.

I have an aka? All right! Do you have one?

Yes.

What is it?

You know, we really should be wishing Jeanne a Happy Birthday.

She’s a lady, whoa-oh-oh-oh, she’s a lady. Talkin’ about a little lady. *Swing hips* And the lady is mine.

What kind of birthday song is that?

One for a “catslady”. Why are you looking at me like that?

There’s only one way to look at you, Ern.

Speaking of Ern, what’s your name?

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Jeanne, Happy Birthday to you.

This must be good. Spill it.

Bud.

Bud? Is it short for Rosebud? Budweiser? Budalicious? Buuuuuuuuuud.

Just Bud.

You know, you could burp that name?

Ernie.

Yes, Bu-ud?

Say “Happy Birthday Jeanne”.

Happy Birthday Jeanne. Bu-bu-bu-bu-bud.

I have to talk to Bailey. NOW!

Bud

Ernie

Title? Who needs a freakin' title?

I’M OUT OF MY MIND AND MY COMPUTER HATES ME! And yes, I’m screaming. I spent all day on Monday writing reviews – a project that should have only taken me a few hours, but when the mind begins going on little side trips, it’s hard to concentrate on anything. Every time the mind went on a road-trip, I’d just hit a blog. Managed to actually get half-way through my bookmarks by the time I was finished with the reviews. I’ve read some good books lately. We won’t talk about the computer.

Someone once asked me why I don’t write bad reviews. Easy, if I’m not enjoying a book, I don’t finish it, and I won’t write a review of a book I haven’t finished reading. When I was taking care of mom, I didn’t have the time to waste on a book that didn’t keep my interest, and now I’m too stressed to deal with them. But that will change soon (hopefully) and I’ve made a vow that after the new year I will read every book all the way through in order to give some balanced reviews. This does not apply to ebooks. I haven’t reviewed any because it’s hard for me to sit at the computer and read them. So I’m very slow at getting them finished – but they’ll be there.

It amazes me how much the Blaze and Intimate Moments lines have improved this year. I’ve heard the same complaint about Blaze that I used to make – that the majority of them didn’t have much of a plot, just stuff in between sex scenes. But this year they’ve morphed into books with depth and characterization between sex scenes. *gg* Up until this year, the Intimate Moments line has just bored me, but again, I’ve recently read some amazing stories that have grabbed my attention and kept me riveted to the page. This is good since I’ve heard that readership is down – if you’ve tried one of these lines in the past and decided they weren’t for you, I encourage you to try them again. You’ll be surprised.

Glenice is arriving again on Friday for an over-night trip, and I have to work 8 hour shifts on Wednesday and Thursday, so I guess you know what I’ll be doing Tuesday. Sheesh, I was supposed to get some of this housework done already, but how was I to know that reviewing would tax my already over-loaded mind?

Edit: If you want to see something funny (Bubba and I), go to Loreth's.

Whatcha Readin'?

So, whatcha readin’? I have three books on my desk that I’ve just finished and are waiting to be reviewed: Relentless by Jo Leigh; The Last Warrior by Kylie Brant; and The Maverick by Rhonda Nelson. I’m almost finished with A Sultan’s Ransom by the inimitable Loreth Anne White. All great books. I’ve been trying to read the new Mighty Quinns books by Kate Hoffman, but I just can’t seem to get into them. I loved the ones that she did for the Temptation line, so I’m thinking it’s just one of those “I’m not in the mood for these” scenarios. Anyway, I’ve updated my “What I’m Reading” section on the website, check it out.

So spill it – whatcha readin’? I know, some of you are in the middle of Nano so you’re exempt, but what about the rest of you?

Yard Sale

This was sent to me from Susan, enjoy. And if you're looking for the NFL post, look below this one.

One day while passing a Nursing Home I noticed 6 old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same six old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager. “Do you know there are six ladies laying naked on your front lawn?”

“Yes,” he said. “They are retired prostitutes and they’re having a ‘Yard Sale’.”

Is It For Real?

A young QB stepped onto the field to face the NY Giants, a new savior to raise the Cowboys from their post-Aikman slump. At the end of the 20 – 13 winning game he had thrown for nearly 200 yards, scrambled for a key first down late in the game, and tossed the game-winning touchdown pass. He then led the Cowboys to a 10-6 record and a playoff appearance. His name was Quincy Carter.

But let’s go back further, to the Aikman years and another young QB named Jason Garrett was poised to take the throne. A brilliant game here and there, but not the winning QB that the Cowboys needed. Chad Hutchinson, Drew Henson, blah-dee-blah-dee-blah.

So pardon my cynicism when Tony Romo stepped out and won his first regulation game. After all, it was just the Cardinals, big deal. I wasn’t falling for the hype – been there, done that, bought the T- shirt. He needed to win against a good team before I’d start getting excited, and that test was coming up the next week when we played the Colts. I didn’t doubt that Romo had the arm, it was his inexperience that made me nervous. Here was a young QB facing a team that hadn’t lost a game this season; a young QB standing on the same field as Peyton Manning. I feared annihilation. I have been pleasantly surprised at the poise that this young man has shown, a confidence on the field that I haven’t seen since a tall blond in jersey number 8 stood over the silver and blue star.

Scott, if you look back at my comments, you’ll see that I said that Romo is the QB of the future, that it was his inexperience that worried me. I also said that unless the rest of the team played better, it wouldn’t matter who was the QB. They needed to stop penalizing themselves into losses and the receivers had to start catching passes. Have you forgotten the perfectly good passes that Bledsoe threw that were just plain dropped? The yardage that he gained or TD he threw that were called back because of penalties. Until the ‘Boys cleaned up their act, Romo was going to face the same thing. Fortunately, they did that. It’s a combination of an uncanny calmness and natural grace of a QB that hasn’t been beaten down and the stepping up of the rest of the team that has led to these wins. Romo has brought something back to this team that has been missing for a long time – a winning attitude, a new spark, an excitement for the game. The offensive line still couldn’t hold the pocket with a bunch of cinder blocks, but as you’ve pointed out, with Tony’s mobility that’s okay. If I have one worry about Romo, it is that mobility. I watch him run from the pocket with the same lump in my throat that I had every time Aikman took off down the field. That kind of running target always scares me.

So yes, I will admit that Romo is a great QB. Will I give him credit for winning the game? Partly. Like I said, if the receivers hadn’t picked up their game, if the penalties had continued, we wouldn’t be where we are now. A QB doesn’t throw 5 TD’s without the receivers catching them. The entire team deserves the credit for finally picking up their game; the defense has been awesome. Roy Williams has been brilliant and I’m excited about this team for the first time in quite a while. It feels good.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

I've seen some of these before, but there are enough new ones to make this a worthwhile semi-repeat.

The following are actual medical records taken from patient's charts around North America:
* The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
* Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
* The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
* The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times aweek.
* Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
* The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
* Male patient insists that his HIV was inherited, and not from sexual activity.

Spam Leftovers

Your secret? (It’s my wonderful charisma.)
Sure it’s time? (Um, let me check. Friday. Yep, it’s time.)
How is everything? (Oh, it’s going. How’s it with … never mind, I don’t want to know.)
Penis Enlargement Patch will enlarge your penis once and never let it shrink. (Really? Wouldn’t that eventually hurt?)
We are giving out nature. (Believe me, a penis that never shrinks, is as big as the Eiffel Tower and can even chop wood, is not nature.)
Your neighbors lost their alarm clock. (That ought to make somebody happy.)
Our customer confesses. (Klepto.)
It me Marty. (It you Marty? Why are you spamming? And when did you get grammatically challenged?)
Gimme your thoughts on this. (What? Marty Spamming? She needs to re-think that line of work.)
Get medications for your cure. (I’d rather have medications for my ills. My cures don’t need any help.)
Interplanetary glove compartment. (Wow, that’s some big flashlight.)
Strip. (Excuse me? You don’t really want to see that.)
You so compelling. (Did you forget that flattery will get you no where?)
I didn’t forgot. (Don’t do it again. And it’s “forget,” you moron.)
Stop your way and try this way. (My way works for my blogsters.)
Groupies. (You call ‘em groupies, I call ‘em blogsters.)
If only. (Don’t get flippant on me.)
I’m sorry. (You better be.)
Erection problems Lisa? (Um Lis? I’d like to hear this answer.)
You just gotta try one yourself. (No thank you. I think I’ll pass.)
Let me show you. (No, stop right there.)
Look away if you’re not ready for the surprise. (Oh, it would be a surprise all right.)
Take this first step, I’ll take it from there. (No one takes over my blog – it’s all mine. I think it’s time you leave.)
We need your permission. (Now you’re learning. Permission granted.)

Thanksgiving 2006

As I sit here Wednesday evening it feels strange not to be getting ready for tomorrow’s Thanksgiving dinner. No pies to make, no last minute cleaning frenzy, no guests to count. This will be the first Thanksgiving I’ve celebrated alone. I’m not sure what I’m going to do – some laundry, a few other chores, watch the Thanksgiving parade and football games. Veg. I’m not used to this … nothingness. We’ve always celebrated the holidays with food, laughter, games and companionship. My niece and nephews didn’t invite me to dinner, but I wouldn’t have gone anyway since I’m pretty much through with them. They didn’t think I or mother were important enough to visit this year, so why should things change on this end. I was invited to a cousin’s house, but to be truthful, I don’t really want to celebrate Thanksgiving (or Christmas) this year. I’m making the effort – I’ll put up the Christmas decorations, but it will be just the cats and I. I told Bebo to spend Thanksgiving with her family – every year she has been with us at Thanksgiving; it’s time for her to join her parent’s and sisters, etc. We’ll spend a little time together on Christmas, but she has grandchildren to visit too. Christmas, I don’t even want to think about that. When my father passed away in October of 2000 it was different. We still had mother and my brother Howard. My sister was healthy as was my other brother. Now, Cathie is in a nursing home and David’s health is bad; he won’t be able to come down for the holidays. Everything changed with Howard and Mom’s deaths; the dynamics are screwed. When I was growing up the entire family got together for the holiday’s – Aunts, Uncles, cousins – the entire shooting match. As we grew up, cousins married, started their own families, moved away. I’m not trying to bring everybody down, wasn’t what I’d planned to write; this is my reality now and I just have to get used to it.

Hmmmm, gotta be something else:

This is a new scam being pulled mainly on women who are past the age of giving a running pursuit. What happens is when the intended victim stops at a red light, an almost nude, good looking, tanned, muscled young man comes up to her car and pretends to wash the windshield.
While he is doing this, another handsome athletic man opens the back door of the car, jumps in and insists the woman drive off with him to some lonely spot, where he has his way with her. They are very good at this!

They got me three times Friday and five times Saturday.

I couldn't find them on Sunday.


I’m Thankful for each and every one of you.

Oh Bother

Still feeling icky. Made a mistake today - we (that being Bebo and I) went out to the cemetery to check on mom's grave (see if the tombstone was right). It's in the 50s and VERY windy. Not only that, but did I mention it was windy? The entire right side of my face hurts - all the way to my ear. Bebo is coughing. That wind got our sinuses BAD (and mine were just starting to settle down). Now I have to go into Moldworld (er, work) for 8 hours. Great.

Went to Borders and Bookstop (for those of you who don't know - Bookstop is one if Barnes and Nobles stores) for applications today. While there, I prominently displayed books by The Shalvis, Loreth and Jo Leigh. That was fun. What isn't is trying to find references. Huh? The last job I had before this one was for the 1990 U.S. Census. That was a temporary office and I have no idea where any of those people are. All I want to do is get through these holidays and start seriously getting in to my writing again. Do I really need utilities? I mean, isn't electric and running water over rated? If I didn't have to pay for those things, I wouldn't have to find another job - hence lots of time for writing, right?

I also work with the boss for the first four hours - fun, fun. NOT!

Happy Birthday Bebo

Happy Birthday Bebo

You are more than "just" my sister-in-law, you are the sister of my heart. I don't know what I would have done without you these last couple of years, or what I would do without your help now. You are an intricate part of who I am, and what I will become. I would never have written a word without your encouragement. Thank you.

Happy Birthday Christa!

Oh, and I guess Happy Birthday to my sister Cathie ... whatever.

Still Sick

Men forget everything; Women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports.

Rita Rudner

Hey

Just really a drop-by post today. I'm back to not feeling well - there seems to be a pattern here. You see, I'm allergic to mold, attic-like dust, etc. I did pretty good during the time I was off work, but now I'm back and, you guessed it - it's a used bookstore full of mold, books that have been in people's attics or sheds. The roof has leaked many times and the carpet in the stock room/employee lounge area has been soaked over and over and just allowed to dry. I'm sure it's just puffing out mold spores every time I walk over it. This is another reason I have got to find another job - I just can't stand this allergy stuff any more. Our weather is changing, and while cold weather can not cause a cold, it can cause a runny nose - which makes this worse. We're supposed to get down to freezing tonight, so I guess I'll be forced to turn on the heat just to protect the indoor pipes.

As far as the football game? All I can say is, Julius and Marion - run babies, run! That's our only hope.

Y'all be good to one another today.

How to Care for Your Human

By Martine Carlsen
Source: EzineArticles.com

For us cats there are several sweet advantages in having a human as a pet. However, remember you are taking on a big responsibility when you adopt one or more humans. Humans are demanding pets that need daily care and attention.

With responsibility come both advantages and disadvantages. If you adopt a human, you must get used to spending time at home. Your human does not deal well with being left alone - they will get into all sorts of mischief. For example, if you are gone just two or three days you run the risk of seeing posters put up all over the neighborhood. Your human will put out an APB on you ! Often with an embarrassing text that reveals all sorts of personal details - and usually accompanied by an unflattering photo of you - with morning fur and crumpled whiskers. Exactly the kind of thing that attracts ridicule from all the neighbor cats. So please consider carefully if you are ready for a life with humans. In addition, remember humans generally grow very old, so there is a big chance that you will spend the rest of your life with your human.

Entertaining your Human The litter box provides a great opportunity for entertaining your human. Naturally there is all the fun your human can have cleaning and scooping out the box. A lot of human time can also be used getting fresh litter - going to the pet store, transporting it home etc. However many humans like new challenges. Utilize your litter box time in the best possible way. Make interesting and artistic renderings of countries or well-known islands. Your human will have lots of fun guessing which one you made. Humans like game shows - so this should be a popular activity. When your human increases in skill, you can also make portraits of family and friends. Start with profile portraits - this will make it easer for your human.

Shedding Make it a priority to shed indoors on appropriate surfaces. Fleece is a particularly suitable material to shred on. All you need to do is pass close by your human when he or she is wearing fleece. All cat hair within a radius of 2 feet from the fabric will immediately be transferred to your human. No brushing necessary for several days ! Another good solution is to get access to a filled clothes hamper. Jump in and give all contents a good work over. An extra bonus with this method is that most cat hairs will survive a trip to the washing machine. Your human will be stylishly accessorized with cat hair on all outfits.

Extra Food All chances for a bit of extra food must and should be taken advantage of. Whenever your human is in the kitchen, you have a prime opportunity of getting an extra snack. When your human is busy at the kitchen counter place yourself in your humans blind angle (just behind the ankle is usually a good spot). And the second your human moves one or both feet you jump back screaming your most heart-wrenching cry. Your human will automatically assume that he/she stepped on you. When your human looks back scared to see what is happening look up at him/her with a painful _expression on your face (practice this before hand in front of a mirror). Your human's bad conscience will often result an edible apology.

Grass Etiquette Before you eat grass, make sure that you are close to a suitable place to throw up. Delicate furniture fabrics, precious carpets, and shoes are all good places. If you choose furniture: aim for the part that has non-removable fabric. When you are getting down to business, make sure you back up a step or two so that you cover the largest area possible. Another technique is to do several items with pauses in-between. Persian carpets will give a good camouflage effect and your little gift will often not be discovered until somebody steps in it.

Preventing your human from wasting valuable time One of the most important tasks we cats have is to prevent humans from wasting their time. Humans love to spend their time on things with no relevance for cats. For example watching TV, reading, talking on the phone - and many other things that have no entertainment value for us cats what so ever. Many methods are available to prevent human time waste - use your imagination. Some especially effective techniques will be mentioned here.

Watching TV make sure that you always position yourself between the TV and your human. On the coffee table for example. You can also lie on the TV and let you tail or paws swing down in front of the screen. This method is most effective with small screens where you can cover a large percentage of the screen. It is a bit trickier with a flat screen - and only recommended for the agile kitty. A variation can be used with a computer screen. Flat screens often leave a lot of empty space on the desk - so just get up in front - remind your human of how wonderful you are. Cleaning; stalk the vacuum cleaner and attack when it passes by. You can also pretend that you want to attack the vacuum cleaner but "accidentally" catch a foot instead. Garden work; jump repeatedly up-and-down and scatter any leaves that your human has raked together. Attack gardening tools - especially while they are in use. Immediately dig up any newly planted seeds, plants and flowers.

Closed Doors Under no circumstances accept closed doors that separate you from your human. At all times you have a right to know what your human is doing. If by accident you have been placed on the wrong side of a door you need to make your human aware of this ASAP so he/she can remedy the situation immediately. Loud meows and scratching on the door should be sufficient to get your humans attention. If this is ignored you need to take more drastic measures: Make a sound as if you are going to throw up. All humans in a 50 feet radius can hear this sound. This sound can also be heard through closed doors. The "puke sound" will always result in your human's immediate presence.

Sleeping Time It is important for us cats to prioritize our sleeping time. The objective is to get as much sleep done as possible while your human is awake. You will then be especially well rested and bushy-tailed at night when it is your job to keep your human awake. There is the classical "play with toes" approach: attack everything that moves under the duvet. You can also reenact highlights from last year's Grand National Steeplechase by repeatedly galloping across the bed. A couple of loud meows will give it an extra exiting dimension for your human

Houseguests Houseguests require special attention and handling. The following procedures should be followed: Houseguests that either do not like us or are allergic to us: As soon as they sit down - jump onto their lap. Noisy children that run after you and/or pull your tail: It is your duty to punish them - it can be necessary to use both claws and teeth. However, be prepared that this can result in noise that is even more annoying and of an even louder decibel level. Guests that try to get in contact with you by ingratiating themselves and speaking in a sweet voice: Should just be ignored. If they try to approach you, back away 5-6 feet - but never further away than they feel encouraged to try again. With a bit of practice this game can he kept going for hours.

Bad Weather Even in bad weather, it can be necessary to go outside. The rain and wet ground will result in an unpleasant layer of dirt and mud on your paws. However, this can easily be dried off on certain appropriate indoor spots. Find a light carpet, a duvet cover or nice piece of furniture and walk over it a couple of times. When your paw tracks are almost invisible, your paws are clean and you are ready to go outside again.

Training your Human Sometimes it can be necessary to discipline even the most well trained human. However, do remember never to hit a human. At the most, mark with a soft paw on the human's arm or hands. Try first to make your human understand what it has done wrong. And most importantly: be patient! The human intellect is relatively limited and it can be difficult for them to understand our wishes and needs. Even after approximately 5000 years of domestication, the human species still has primitive instincts and it does take time to train your human completely.

Door Training One of the first things you need to teach your human is to open the front door, the garden door and backdoor when required. This is done by walking up to a door and making an impatient and very loud meow. Make some tripping steps with your back paws obviously indicating that you need to go to the outdoor litter box. When your human has gotten up from the couch and opened the door you decide that you do not really need to go outside right now. Just for appearances, you can stand in the open door and pretend that you are thinking about the situation for a few seconds before you turn around to go inside again. Repeat this procedure several times a day. This will keep your human in good door opening form.

Inspection of the House A house usually has unlimited possibilities for suitable sleeping spots. Every possibility no matter how theoretical should be investigated and tested. Cardboard boxes, cupboards, drawers, couches and beds are obvious localities, but places such as old slippers (size 11 or higher) open gym bags or kitchen cupboards should not be overlooked. The house should further be investigated for all possible toys. An old sock can represent several hours of entertainment if you get your claw on a loose end and unravel a couple of miles worth of yarn. You human will love to tidy up after your play.

Spammit!

Do you want to buy almost free software? (Nope, I’ll wait until it goes on sale.)
Postponement rocking chair (I prefer a recliner.)
When to stop blogging. (When you talk back to spam.)
Snuggly feeling comment. (Awwww, you’re about as sweet as a cuddly, wuddly teddy bear.)
Is it too small? (Is what … no, wait, don’t tell me.)
Big penis is a revolution in your pants. Be big with advanced Gain Pro Penis Enlargement Patch. (Believe me, I’d know if something were going on in my pants, whether they’re pros or amateurs.)
Don’t be left out, join millions of men in the revolution. (My pants aren’t that big … no comment from the peanut gallery.)
This is insane. (Tell me about it.)
Which rules are in effect here? (Mine, obviously.)
Queen (You got it.)
Daisy (The Duchess isn’t going to help you.)
Customer Alert: Your Fifth Third Bank account. (My what? I can barely keep money in one.)
Temper (Oh, I’m not angry. You’ll know when I’m angry.)
Mayday (No reason to call for help. I told you, I’m not angry.)
Sonar arrest (Huh? Just for sending a false mayday? Man, y'all are tough.)
Don’t let the anger consume you, Our Penis Enlargement Patches … (Would you stop with the Penis. I’m a woman!)
Want to be the man you could be. (It depends, is he rich and handsome?)
We prefer the truth. (I’m kind of partial to it myself.)
Don’t lie to yourself, satisfied with your penis size? (I give up. Yes, I’m satisfied with my penis size.)
Want to double the size of your penis? (Okay, now I’m getting angry.)

Fuzzy is Brilliant

Fuzzy: I studied the books people read and I have figured out everything that discerning, intelligent readers want in a book. I shall now write that book. It will be called Harry Da Vinci's Rings. It will follow Young Harry, a Hogwart's Symbologist, as he fights Orcs in the Hills of New Zealand.
Satchel: I don't want to read that.
Fuzzy: I said it was for discerning, intelligent readers.
Rob: Yeah, I wouldn't read it either.
Fuzzy: OK, again, it's not for you two.

I think this might work. I've decided to change my WIP: A Southern Belle, Harlot, meets our roguish hero, Gent, at the verge of the Civil War. It's instant attraction, enough sparks flying to light up the darkest of nights, or maybe it's just the bright pink glow-in-the-dark vibrator. One night, they discover a body in the wine cellar and instantly suspect the butler, who keeps running around the plantation yelling about birthin' babies. The mystery takes them to Ireland, where they meet a leprachaun and a ghost, who teaches Harlot how to make drapes out of a ball gown. After fighting the Banshees and solving the murder, Harlot exclaims that she will never go to Hungary again, at which point Gent points out that she's never been there at all. Thinking that they made quite a pair, Gent asks Harlot to be his forever, at which point Harlot turns to him and says "Bite Me."

I think I'll call it Gone to Get a Clue in the Heart of the Sea

I've even got a new pen name: Margaret Jill Roberts

Love You Forever

Happy Birthday momma. I miss you more than you can ever imagine.

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living

my Mommy you'll be.

Love you Forever

Written by Robert Munsch

American Title Voting

Round 2 of American Title is now on - and yes, our Meretta has made it! Yay Meretta - Congratulations.

The American Title Contest is in its third year and is modeled after American Idol. The contest is run by RT BOOKreviews and Dorchester Publishing. The winner will receive a publishing contract with Dorchester and a publicity boost from RT BOOKreviews. Each contestant participates in a round and two are voted off each time. Meretta's submission, Rising Sin, has passed through to the second round. Let's keep her going. This time the vote is for best hero/heroine. Go vote!

I Found it, I Found it!

You see, Captain Jack and the Satellite Twins isn't the real name, I couldn't remember what the radio show was called - had it written down somewhere, but if you could see my desk you'd know that was a problem.

Anyway, the actual name is:

The Adventures of Psycho Bill and the Satellite Twins.

Now, get back to admiring my decorating prowess.

My New Bedroom

Here it is - minus curtains and some more pictures (I still haven't decided what else to put up).

In some of the pictures, the wall will look orange, but it isn't - it's Georgia Clay.
Wanna closer look at the cross-stitch on the wall? Brandy made it for me - just click here. The weird thing? Two of these pictures have orbs in them. One photo is with the light off, the other is with the light on. In one of them, the orb is on the side of the bed - that's real close to where mom's head would have been when she died. In the other, it's on the wall near the cross-stitch. Before hospice, the head of the bed was there and that's close to where mom's head would have been when she sat up. This isn't the first time (check second picture). And I took a lot of pictures - they aren't there in all of them. The close-up of the bed is really me trying to show you the books at the bottom of the bedstands. That's my TBR pile (minus the ebooks of course).

(The Shalvis Shrine - see, no bobble head dolls, burned candles, or life-sized portrait - honest!)

Sheesh

Ran out of memory on the last post, so here's the final picture. This is why I went with blond furniture (I prefer dark woods) - I didn't have a dresser, so I kept mom's 1950s one.

If you didn't c0me by on Sunday, you missed the Satellite Twins trying to explain football. This was a continuation of a conversation earlier this week.

TWO POSTS today

Yes, two - one for NFL, one for my non-NFL people.

This one is the NFL post, look below for the other one.


So, it's the birds today. And will the Cowboy's be seeing red? I know they won't be seeing Marcus Coleman or Terry Glenn. Coleman was let go after he was arrested Friday night on a DWI, his second since 2004. He'd just returned to the team a couple of games ago after serving a 5 game suspension for violating the leagues substance abuse policy. So rookie Patrick Watkins will be stepping in to help Keith Davis. Glenn is out because of an injury.

I'm going to state again that it doesn't matter who the QB is - Romo or Bledsoe - it's not going to make a lot of difference if other issues aren't addressed. We have an offensive line that can't keep the pocket from collapsing, forcing the move to a more mobile QB. We have receivers who can't catch balls that are perfectly catchable (yes, that means you T.O.). I bet you had Bledsoe thrown that pass to Glenn, it would have been caught - TD made. We beat ourselves with penalties. This team has got to get itself together. The Cardinals played a pretty good game last week, but it's still the Cardinals. If we win today, I'm still not on the wagon with this move until they beat a team with substance.

Anybody got a net?

Why isn’t she writing today.

It’s Sunday. That’s when she watches football.

I never could understand that game.

Why not? It’s easy.

I can’t remember what all of the positions are and what they do.

I’ll help you. Take the Quarterback.

I didn’t give you a quarter.

What?

You said to take the quarter back. How can I take something back you’ve never given me?

That’s the name of the position. The leader of the team. He’s called the quarterback, or QB for short.

Isn’t that the name of a men’s magazine?

No junior wit, that’s GQ.

I get them mixed up.

That’s not the only thing. Okay, let’s leave positions behind and go on to the game. There are four quarters.

Where?

In the game stupid.

There are four quarters in a game, but only one is a back?

No, there are a lot of backs, half-back, running back.

Running back to where? Where they left the quarter?

There’s no money in the game.

Then why play it?

The players get money …

I knew someone did.

Can we get back to football?

Sure, go ahead, it’s your time.

There are four quarters OR SECTIONS of a game.

Don’t need to yell.

Each quarter takes fifteen minutes to play.

Then how come a game can last for over 3 hours? Even I can figure out that’s 1 hour.

Because there are stops, and replays …

Couldn’t they play it right the first time?

I’m ignoring you.

What else is new?

Commercials …

Told you someone was making money.

Half-time, time-outs …

Was someone naughty?

There’s a lot of things involved in the game that takes time.

Why don’t they just get down to playing the game and get it over with.

Speaking of downs, you get four.

I do?

No, the team does. The defense has to stop the offense from making a score.

How do they do that?

Some teams use a nickel defense.

Now you’re back to money again.

Would you forget about money.

You’re the one who keeps bringing it up.

… let’s talk about offense.

Didn’t do it.

Didn’t do what?

Offend anyone.

I wouldn’t count on that.

Are you done yet?

Why do I even bother. Yes, we’re done.

So Bailey isn’t going to write today because she’s watching foosball.

Football.

Whatever.

That’s not all. She has some cleaning up to do. Things to pack away still. She’s going to hang a couple of pictures in her bedroom so that she can take a picture …

Why is she going to hang them before she takes them?

No nipple nose, she’s going to take a picture with a camera.

I find my hands work better.

For what?

Taking things.

She’s going to take a photograph of her room for the blog.

Oh, I get it.

You’re going to get it all right.

Then she’ll write and make us real?

Yep, just like the Blue Fairy.

Hey! I know the Blue Fairy and Bailey is no Blue Fairy. Where are you going?

To jump off a bridge.

Can I go too?

Only if you jump first.

Happy Veteran's Day

In the U.S., this is the day that we set aside to thank those people who have served in the military for the sacrifices that they made/make for us. Take a moment to think about them today.

Thank You

They Won't Get Out of My Head!!!!!!

Man, that hurt.

You can say that again.

Man, that hurt.

I didn’t mean it literally.

Then why did you say it.

Because I was agreeing with you, dipstick.

No need to get nasty.

It’s all your fault anyway.

Why is it my fault?

“Oh Bailey, I’d be the perfect hero for one of your stories.” Gag.

What was wrong with that?

You look like the Pillsbury doughboy. Nobody would think of you as a hero.

The Pillsbury doughgirl would.

There isn’t a Pillsbury doughgirl.

Then we’re perfect for each other.

Puhleeze. I, on the other hand, would make an excellent hero. Just look at this profile. It has Barrymore written all over it.

Drew?

No, John Barrymore. The Great Profile.

Never heard of him.

He’s never heard of you either.

His loss.

That’s a matter of opinion.

Isn’t he dead?

Yes.

But you just said that as if he were still alive.

Everybody’s alive in our world.

Even Elvis.

No. He’s really not dead.

He isn’t?

Nope.

Jimmy Hoffa?

Nope.

Amelia Earheart?

Uh Uh.

You've just put a dent in everything I've ever believed in.

Don't worry, I've sure a couple of episodes of Sesame Street and you'll be back to your old self.

I can’t believe that she laughed.

Loudly.

Guffawed.

Like we were a couple of losers. Captain Jack and the Satellite Twins.

Huh?

That’s our new name – we’re the Satellite Twins.

We don’t look anything alike.

It doesn’t matter what we look like, it’s radio.

I thought it was a book.

It is. It’s about this female DJ.

What’s a DJ?

Disc Jockey.

How do they get the saddles on discs?

Not that kind of jockey, dragon breath. On the radio. They play songs and talk about life, traffic, weather, politics and such. Eden, the heroine in Operation:Eden, has a late-night radio talk show for the lonely. Captain Jack and The Satellite Twins are on the show just before hers. We’re the comic relief.

Wow!

What?

You amaze me. You know so much.

I watch Oprah.

When’s that on?

The same time as Barney.

Oh, that’s why I miss it. Who’s Captain Jack?

She hasn’t decided yet.

Maybe it’ll be that Donald guy who stepped down. He needs a job now.

Somehow I don’t think that’s it.

Think she’ll tell us.

When she gets around to it.

I get it. A “need to know” basis.

She’ll get it sorted out.

Yeah. In the meantime, do you have the Pillsbury doughgirl’s phone number.

You are such a dweeb.

Here, There, Spam Everywhere

My dear. (Yes?)
You still working on it? (I’m always working on it.)
Need some help? (Nope, I got it.)
Diagnosed late pregnancy. (Real late.)
Elm useless. (Maple not so good either.)
Rene wrote: (She better, it’s Nano time.)
So what. (Don’t ever say that to someone in the middle of Nano!)
911 address change. (Ahhh, I just got that number memorized.)
I am writing to find love. (You’re looking for love in all the wrong places.)
If you think your penis looks like a sponge. (I haven’t seen my penis. Honest.)
Your neighbors lost their alarm clock. (I think they gave it away.)
Did not. (Did too.)
Found them, five thousand. (Five thousand! Where in the hell did someone put five thousand alarm clocks?)
Your neighbors won’t tell you everything. (I wish they wouldn’t tell me anything.)
We are still looking to buy another position. (I’d settle for buying a vowel Pat.)
I’m going to show you this, but keep it secret. (I won’t tell anybody, promise. Y’all, don’t look.)
You broke my heart. (I'm sorry. They won't tell either.)
Wanna fascinate the girls with your penis? (Add that to my late pregnancy and I would fascinate The National Enquirer.)
Do you want to do this again next week? (Sure, how about Friday?)

You Sound Like ...

I had a really lousy Wednesday afternoon and evening, so I'm leaving this for you today. I'm working a 9 - 5 shift at work too - so y'all, don't go having any fun without me.

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The West
The Inland North
Boston
North Central
The Northeast
Philadelphia
The South
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

I could live in Dallas? How funny.

Oh, and I stole this from Tori.

I guess my "foreign" guests can just see how close to an American accent they have.

Still More Voices in My Head

Whatcha doin’?

Watching Bailey.

Why are you watching the cat?

No, Bailey the writer, not Baileyboo the cat.

I’m confused.

Think about how the cat feels.

So, what is the princess doing now?

Sitting at the computer.

She’s cussing.

Of course she is. She’s reading her current WIP.

I’ve never tried that with a whip.

No, her WIP. Work.In.Progress. The story she’s currently working on, you moron.

Well it’s been so long, excuse me for forgetting.

Oh, wait. Now she’s typing. Yes, she broke a nail.

And that’s a good thing?

Sure it is. Means she’s writing.

Doesn’t make the ladies on TV happy when they break a nail. In fact, you’d think they’d broken a leg or something.

That’s because they’re not real.

They’re not?

We’ve been over this. No. They’re no more real than you or I.

Oh come on. You’re pulling my leg.

We’re not real.

Yes we are.

No we’re not.

Yes we are.

No. Why am I arguing with you? You’re not real.

Then what am I?

You’re a figment of her imagination.

You’d think she could imagine something better.

I’ve wondered the same thing.

But you’re not real either.

Yeah, but at least I have a little common sense.

Not the only thing about you that’s common.

Excuse me?

Oh look! She laughed.

Must have been something funny she wrote.

Either that, or she has gas.

That’s for babies.

Are they real?

Sometimes.

You know, she’s going to make us real.

Where’d you hear that.

At the watercooler.

What watercooler?

Over in heroland.

How many times have I told you not to hang out around there. Too much testosterone for you.

They’re fun. And they let me fetch their water for them.

They let you … hold on, you’re no waterboy.

But I feel like I belong. Why just the other day, this hero named Scott let me shine his shoes. With my own spit. And shine them with my hair.

How pathetic are you?

About that much.

So, we’re going to be real.

Uh huh. Comic relief I think they called it.

Stoolies?

Huh?

Stooges?

Um …

Fall guys?

This doesn’t sound too good, does it?

I think we’d better talk to her.

Think she’d listen to us?

Not in a million years.

Man, we’re in trouble.

Born in Texas?

Okay, maybe they weren't all born in Texas, the ones in red were raised here though and I'm claiming them anyway. I got this idea from Toni and her list of Canadians. Some of these people I knew about, but there were a few surprises. I left off a lot of soap opera people as they would only be known by those of us who watched (or do watch) these shows (i.e. Greg Vaughan who plays Lucky on General Hospital). There are a few, like Steve Martin, who were born in Texas but left in early childhood. I only cited shows/movies of those people whose faces would be familiar but maybe not the name, i.e. Christian Kane. Some of these citations would only be familiar if you are around my age – which means you are older than dirt. Singers are included only if they appeared in a movie of some note, i.e. you should have heard of the movie. Unlike Toni – I didn’t separate them by gender. Source: imdb.com

F. Murray Abraham
Amy Acker (Fred – Angel)
Jensen Ackles (Supernatural)
Debbie Allen
Gene Autry
Joe Don Baker (the original Walking Tall)
Robby Benson
Patricia Blair (Rebecca Boone – Daniel Boone)
Dan Blocker (Hoss – Bonanza)
Pat Boone
Powers Boothe (Cy Tolliver – Deadwood)
Betty Buckley (Abby – Eight is Enough)
Carol Burnett
Gary Busey
Kate Capshaw
Cyd Charisse
Thomas Haden Church (Wings)
Dabney Coleman
Barry Corbin (Maurice – Northern Exposure)
Pat Corley (Phil the bartender on Murphy Brown)
Billy Cradup (MI:III; Almost Famous)
Joan Crawford
Mac Davis (North Dallas Forty)
Jimmy Dean (yes, of sausage fame – but he was also an actor with a regular role on Daniel Boone)
Bob Denver
John Denver
Michael Dorn (Worf – Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Hilary Duff
Sandy Duncan
Shelley Duvall
George Eads
Shannon Elizabeth (That ‘70s Show)
Ron Ely (TV’s Tarzan – who what a crush)
Morgan Fairchild (Fashion House; Flamingo Road; Falcon Crest)
Farrah Fawcett
Frederick Forrest (Capt. Jenko – 21 Jump Street; Apocalypse Now)
Steve Forrest (Hondo – S.W.A.T. - the TV original)
Robert Foxworth (Falcon Crest)
Jamie Foxx
Jennifer Garner
Peri Gilpin (Frasier)
Summer Glau (River – Firefly)
Larry Hagman
Angie Harmon (Law and Order)
Woody Harrelson
Lisa Hartman-Black
Jennifer Love Hewitt
John Hillerman (Higgins – Magnum P.I. – nope, not English)
Lee Horsley (Matt Houston)
Larry Hovis (Carter – Hogan’s Heroes)
Carolyn Jones (Morticia Addams – The Addams Family)
Tommy Lee Jones
James Jordan (Veronica Mars)
Christian Kane (Close to Home; Lindsey – Angel)
Beyonce Knowles
Kris Kristofferson
Eva Longoria
Lyle Lovett
Peter MacNicol (Larry – Numb3rs)
Meredith MacRae (Billie Jo Bradley – Petticoat Junction)
Stuart Margolin (Angel – Rockford Files)
Steve Martin
Matthew McConaughey
George “Spanky” McFarland (Our Gang)
Bruce McGill (Jack Dalton – MacGyver)
Jeff McKay (Mac on Magnum P.I. ; Corky on Tales of the Gold Monkey)
Meat Loaf
Ann Miller
Don Mitchell (Ironside)
Audie Murphy
Willie Nelson
Michael Nesmith (The Monkees)
James Noble (the governor on Benson)
Annette O’Toole (Martha Kent – Smallville; Lana Lang – Superman II)
Buck Owens
Jared Padalecki (Supernatural)
Fess Parker (Daniel Boone; Davy Crockett)
Bill Paxton
Robin Wright Penn
Lou Diamond Phillips
Joan Prather (Janet – Eight is Enough)
Dennis Quaid
Randy Quaid
Phylicia Rashad
Debbie Reynolds
Christopher Rich (ex-husband on Reba; Miller Redfield – Murphy Brown)
Patricia Richardson (Home Improvement)
Kenny Rogers
Lulu Roman (HeeHaw)
Ashlee Simpson
Jessica Simpson
Lori Singer (Footloose)
Anna Nicole Smith
Jaclyn Smith
Sissy Spacek
Aaron Spelling (he was an actor before he became a producer)
Brent Spiner
Patrick Swayze
Regina Taylor (The Unit; I’ll Fly Away)
Brynn Thayer (Matlock)
Henry Thomas (ET)
Stephen Tobolowsky (Hugo Jarry – Deadwood; Asst. D.A. Don Huffman – CSI:Miami)
Rip Torn
Alan Tudyk (Wash – Firefly)
Janine Turner (Northern Exposure)
Peter Weller (RoboCop)
Lisa Whelchel (Blair – Facts of Life)
Forest Whitaker
JoBeth Williams (Poltergeist; The Big Chill)
Van Williams (The Green Hornet)
Noble Willingham (C.D. Parker – Walker, Texas Ranger)
Luke Wilson
Owen Wilson
Renee Zellweger

Oh, and there's a new review at Isn't It Romantic

And the "What I'm Reading" section of my website has been updated.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
- Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!
- Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie.
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- Darn, there go the lights again...
- You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
- Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?
- Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.
- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
- She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

Thar's a Football Game

So, Tony Romo is the new Drew Bledsoe? This is a move that I'm still not sure was the correct one. He did do well against the Panthers - but then, that was the Panthers. Sure, he's more mobile than Drew, but will that really make the difference when they play against a good team? The quarterback wouldn't have to be so mobile if the offensive line defended the pocket and gave the QB time. There have been many teams in the history of the NFL that have won Superbowls with a QB that didn't have the mobility of a younger man. We're trading experience for mobility, patience for the naivete of youth. Sometimes it is better the devil you know than the one you don't. I still say mobile or not, if the offensive line cannot protect the pocket, it doesn't matter who is the QB. You know that the Redskins are going to hit Tony with everything they have - blitz will be the name of the game. And they'll get to him, the pocket will collapse and he'll be forced to make bad decisions. He doesn't know any better. I expect him to do well today - the Redskins have a worse record than we do, but I'm going to reserve judgement until I see him play against a good team - like the Eagles.

Bad news - Terry Glenn may not be in the game today. Might not matter though if Gregg Williams blitz strategy works.

Oh, and the avatar? Whenever you see me in the PJ's with the teddy bear - it's an indication that I'm not well. Still fighting this cold thing, but I think I'm starting to win.

Ten Things Men Understand About Women

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.


Thought I would post this again since no one could comment on it and then it up and disappeared.

Just Because

This is the last picture that was taken of my Devlin. I wish I had known because then I would have taken a more flattering picture. Doesn't he look like a real slut?








This is Baileyboo giving Devlin a bath - he (Devie) was so doped up at that point so he didn't protest.

warning

I'm on the phone with the phone company right now - they say that they will have to "take down" the DSL and I might not have the same email address or internet access for a few days. Bummer.

EDIT:

Okay, seems that for retirees (which mom is) there is a 6 month period where I get to keep everything that she had at the price she had. (drool moment - we're talking DSL, phone line, all the features, unlimited long distance, etc. - $37.00. Whoopeeeeee.) Now I just have to worry about what to do in May. I hate that they will have to shut down the DSL and I might lose all of my email addresses. Sheesh.

Devil Food Spam

If there’s any criticism. (Of spamarama? There couldn’t be.)
Pa soggy (Ma’s a bit of a drip too.)
Shower Head used at World Famous Resorts. (I hate to tell you this, but they use shower heads at the Motel 6 too. And they’ll leave the light on for you.)
Available family name. (What? Did a whole line die leaving no one to carry it on? Is this another e-bay scam?)
Nobody will know about your problems. (They will if they read this blog.)
He unhappy at December. (She unhappy at June.)
An Twain in verbal. (Verbal or not, Twain would never have written a sentence like that.)
Or of tome. (Now we’re talking War and Peace.)
The sun had sisters. (The moon had brothers. Never the Twain shall meet. Verbally or not.)
Can’t be a lover anymore. (Can’t be a lover any less.)
Enjoying your poverty. (Not really.)
A bigger dick. (Bigger than the Eiffel Tower? Longer than a third leg? Can you hold a brick on it?)
The devil came here yesterday. (I wondered where the hell he’d been.)
And it smells of sulfur still today. (Lysol Air purifier will help. Or maybe a stick-up.)
Backside typewritten. (With a large font.)
Meghan wrote. (Bailey didn’t)
Your neighbors lost their alarm clock. (I bet the devil did it.)

True or False

(I'm trying to get a cold ( head fuzzy, nose stopped up, throat scatchy) so here's something to amuse/amaze you while I'm off taking steam showers, airborne and chicken soup. Can you guess which ones are true or which ones are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green.

Answers: All of the above are true. Don't you just love number sixteen? And I don't think a cup of apple with vanilla/caramel creamer would really do the job for me - I mean, could an apple really wash down that spider?