Saturday, September 02, 2006

Anger Management

Bebo sent this to me - I hope you get as much of a laugh as I did. I'm gearing up my speed-dial now.

If you've had a bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone,don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ingnumber!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole'next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when Iwas paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, whenI had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah,"
He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
I said, "Make me,"
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?" H
e exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in OaktreeBlvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.

19 comments:

Brandy said...

OMG! I started laughing, Daughter asked me "what"? and I couldn't tell her!!!! TOO, TOO FUNNY!!

Lis said...

lmao oh this is too good not to fwd!

Fannie said...

I laughed til I cried. I wish I had the nerve to do something like that. I really needed a laugh tonight, so thank you so much.

Danica Favorite said...

I.... can't.... breathe....

The worst part is, I think this would be funny to do someone.

I really am going to hell, aren't I?

Minna said...

That really made my day!
Danica, at least you won't be alone in hell. I think I'm going there, too. I know a few people to whom I'd just love to do that!

Michele said...

This is genius!!!
ROTFL and snorting coffee!

Thanks for posting this Bailey!!!

Saskia Walker said...

Hilarious! Thanks so much for passing it on.

Diane said...

Priceless. Thank you.

I always find killing people off in my stories helps too. Preferably a slow, painful death.

Anonymous said...

Riotously funny!

Now I'll be joining Minna and Danica hell! LOL

Christa said...

Thank you, I needed a laugh.
I've been checking the Chapter's (our big bookstore here) website for Out of this World but they don't have any copies in. Hopefully they will get some soon.

Denise McDonald said...

LOL - I have heard that one before but it is still just as funny!

Wolfy said...

Oh man, that was just the laugh I needed for today, thank you so much.......LOL

Cryna

Kelley Nyrae said...

OMG. That is one of the funniest things I've ever read!!

Anonymous said...

Bailey, that was so funny! Thanks for sharing!

Jordan Summers said...

*ggg*

Sandy J said...

OMG! I have never heard that one! It is priceless! Thanks for sharing.

Judy F said...

OMG this is the best laugh I have had all day. Thanks

Anonymous said...

OMG! ROTFLMAO!! And I'm at work!!! I had to stifle the laughter not to be heard outside my cubi. My chest hurts. And I can absolutely see Bebo doing something like that. TOO FUNNY!

Bailey Stewart said...

Come to think of it - she would do something like that! But alas, she got this in an email from someone else. Glad you liked it.