This is a day early.
Howard
May 31, 1952 - September 10, 2005
I miss you. It’s been a year, and yet sometimes only yesterday. I have to admit that there were times growing up when I wished you had never been born. You were tough – but we didn’t know that you had a me
ntal condition, if we had maybe things would have been different. I regret that we had to wait until the last years of your life to make a connection, but I’m glad we did. I could really use you now, your strength, your sense of humor – you could always make me laugh. It’s hard to get used to, your not being a part of my life – even after a year. People ask and I still say I have two brothers, I can’t seem to make myself say “one and one is gone”. I just wanted you to know that even though you aren’t here, you’ll never be forgotten. I love you – and I always will.
(Above: Howard, my paternal grandfather and I. Right: Howard and David [both of my brothers] on Howard's wedding day to Bebo [in blue, mom in pink])
25 comments:
Your blogs up, no more white screen!
Oh, Bailey, I think he's still watching over you. I know what it's like to lose a Mother, but not a brother. He looks like he was a wonderful person. I know it's trite to say, but it does get easier over time.
It just doesn't seem like a year. It's made this week tougher - on Bebo too. If we can just get through this weekend we'll be fine until the holidays. I learned from when dad died that the first holidays weren't bad because we expected them - so yes, last Thanksgiving and Christmas were sad. But it was the second year where we got caught because they sort of snuck up on us - so I'm not sure how we'll handle this second round of family holidays.
Light a candle for him. I know it sounds simple, but it's a way of acknowledging him and the light of his life in your family. If you try and push the feelings away, they tromp all over you later.
Glad to see you're blog is working again.
That was a very touching post. {{hugs}}
Hugs, Bailey and Bebo. A very lovely memorial.
{{{{{Bailey and Bebo}}}}}.
*hugs to Bailey and Bebo*
Lovely tribute
A wonderful tribute to your brother!
Often it does take a while for us to appreciate those closest to us because at times they are just too close. It will be a hard day for Bebo too. Will you get together to reminisce about him? Was he closest to you in age? I'm glad you have fond memories of him. When I was younger, my next-oldest sibling made life the most miserable for me. In a way, he's too intelligent and since he was young and had skipped a grade, some of his classmates were up to four years older than he was. That made life really tough for him and for the rest of us because we never knew what trouble he'd get into in his effort to just be one of the guys. Fortunately, a day in jail knocked some sense into him and he became scrupulously honest about whatever he did. At the moment I'm definitely getting along better with him than with the younger one.
I guess in a sense your thinking of still having two brothers is like whenever my mother was standing beside me after my father's death and said things like "We're going to see our grandchildren tomorrow." In spirit, that person is still there. May you always feel your loved ones surrounding you.
You just made me realize that my maternal grandmother died 57 years ago today and that tomorrow, the only person who could possibly carry on our family name (at least this branch) will celebrate his 21st birthday. I don't know if we're having a get-together or not. Anika, his sister, told me that he wouldn't be going to B.C. to continue his studies yet this year. She's taking a course away from home instead.
Hugs and prayers to your Mom, you and Bebo.
P.S. Just saw your reply to Stacy and Brandy. It was a real dichotomy about my mother's death for me this year. In some ways, I felt that she had just gone recently while in other ways it felt like forever. I guess in a sense her essence was gone long before she was and the years since have sometimes been more of a strain for me than when she was still alive.
Brandy's idea is great. I should do that too. My aunt in Germany, now 85, lights a candle for each person's special occasions--alive or deceased. With the mess here, I just haven't dared do it yet. I think I'll light one for my grandmother when I get up later. That she died 57 years ago means that "our genius" and one of my cousins will be 57 this year as well. They're starting to get up there two. My aunt's oldest son will be 58 on my mother's birthday. The only grandchildren my grandmother actually saw were me and my aunt's oldest. Both her daughters were highly pregnant at her funeral.
It goes Cathie, Howard, David and Me.
Bebo is doing something. She still has his ashes and Sunday she's going to finally let him go. She and two of his children are going down to the lake to spread his ashes. I'm not going because my extreme anger at his children would make it unbearable. I'm not sure in my present state that I could refrain from telling them what utter complete assholes they are. Bebo knows this and is in complete agreement with me (on both subjects)
So glad your blog is back for this wonderful memorial for Howard. My mother passed away 25 years ago and it does get easier. Just keep reamember the good times.
Big Hugs, Bailey! It's hard to lose the ones we love. That was a very nice post. Before this I didn't know about your loss. Big hugs for Bebo, too.
*hugs* to you all, Bailey. That was a wonderful tribute.
Bailey that was a great tribute to your brother and big hugs to you.
Cryna
What a lovely tribute...hugs to you and Bebo.
(((Bebo and Bailey)))
hey girl! sorry!!! I just got the email...left Casper yesterday at 5:30 and got home at midnight...then when I got up this morning I found one of our kittys in the front flowerbed unable to move...I took her to the vet and her back is broken!!!! We think a dog may have tried to get her but not quite what really happened. She also has a perfectly round hole in her side, about the size of a pencil...
Anyway, I can not believe it has been a year!!!!
Prayers and hugs to you and Bebo!
I don't think you ever really lose them, they are with you always. Time can really fly sometimes and the first year everything is a lonesome anniversary of firsts.
Hugs.
Bailey, I am so sorry about your loss. I know how hard it can be even after time. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Bailey that was beautiful......and so sweet. I'm sending you cyber hugs!
Lots of hugs to you and Bebo, and that was such a beautiful tribute!
(((Hugs)))
((BAILEY)) & ((BEBO))
hugs ladies!
Your tribute is beautiful.
This one made me get misty eyed. I think we should all hug the people in our lives that we love, every day. Sending a hug to you, Bailey!!
Bailey, coming in VERY late on this one, sorry - just wanted to send you a big hug as I know where you're coming from, on a lot of levels.
Lovely tribute. Lovely pics.
And Brandy's right: it gets easier with time. You learn to live with it better, and you get to the point where you can smile and remember the good times more often than you have to try and swallow the tears and regrets.
Big hugs.
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