Cats New Years Resolutions

But before I get to that, this is for Ames, because she's been so desperate for them:

Cats New Years Resolutions (I didn't write them, Bebo emailed them to me)

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and
Throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of
Roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then
Pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get
The stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the
Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to
Sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I
Forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch
In my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is
Something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human
Has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to
Bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will
Really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt
To catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family
Room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are
*not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after
My human has watched a horror movie.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and
Growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the
Top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and
Stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important
Adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way that the
Scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn't as tasty.

Auld Lang Spam

Are he industry. (Now why can’t I find a job in that industry?)
The most beautiful timepieces. (Thank you. Let me just get that piece of dirt off them.)
We have it all! (Well not quite all. Some are still buried in the backyard.)
Oh my goodness … your penis is BELOW average size. (That’s because I’m a woman you idiot)
Boyfriend left you for some circus midget named “Thumb”. (It’s only because I gave him the finger.)
Get super-size for your willy on New Year Holiday! (Can I have fries with that?)
Allow your stem elongate and get more mighty in 2008! (If my stem elongates, you can bet I’ll be more mighty.)
With your new big rod you will easily spend 365 hot nights in a new year! (Oh damn, I hate the heat.)
Want to be a pornstar, now you can! (Oh yeah, that’s always been a lifelong ambition.)
Obtain a huge schlong for a new year! (You know, it’s the time to make new goals for yourself …)

Post about nothing

A couple of hours ago I realized that I needed to write a blog for tomorrow. It’s now 8:30 p.m. and I still don’t know what to say. So call this the post about nothing. I had a good day today. The only blemish was a visit from a beloved cousin who had only stopped by to drop off my birthday present and ended up spending the entire day and eating dinner with Bebo and me. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my cousin Janet very much, I often call her “mom” (she’s much older than I and has children my age), but she can be rather insensitive at times. On the day that I miss my mother the most, she chose to tell me all about our aunt who she thinks has Alzheimer’s and could I give her some tips on how to handle her, what to do with her, who can take care of her (which I very promptly said “not me, I’ve gone through that once already”). I didn’t need to be reminded of my mother so much, especially today. She also gave me a 3-piece microwavable spa set. Huh? What am I going to do with that? Talk about white elephants … although for my birthday she gave me this gorgeous sofa pillow with St. Nicholas on it. It will go well with my collection and is the perfect color. It’s also a present for the cats as it has tassels on it.

My sister gave me the complete first (and only) season of the Dresden Files! Yay!!!!! Bebo gave me Borders gift cards for both my birthday and Christmas presents. More yays. Let’s see – Brandy sent me this cute little box of candy. Thanks sweetie. My brother didn’t send me anything, not even a card. I suppose he considers calling me up and singing the Merry Birthday song was enough. Not. I sent him an ecard for his birthday AND called him. Men.

Oh, and I started the day by going out to the nursing home to see my sister. See, I’m being a good girl. (For those of you who are fairly new to the blog, I don’t get along with my sister – she thinks we do …)

See, look, you made it this far without barfing, so I guess its not that bad. So now I’m sitting here watching The Christmas Shoes for like the third time this season (it wasn’t what the TV guide said would be on), I’m too lazy to put this laptop down and find the remote.

Oh, and now my cousin wants to be included when Bebo and I go out! She wants to make it a threesome. Every once in a while yes, but not on a regular basis – please, not on a regular basis.

So here it is, my blog about nothing. At least there’s spam for Friday, right?

What did you get for Christmas?

btw - I bought Bebo "The Gift of the Magi" for Christmas. Thanks Devon!

Where are you Christmas

Where are you Christmas?
Why can't I find you?
Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me?
Why can't I hear music play?
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too?
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh
If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time
I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here in silence
Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you
Christmas
Fills your heart with love

From How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I don't know who wrote it.

Merry Christmas

I have a lot of memories of Christmas, most of them from my adult years. Oh, don’t get me wrong – I do remember Christmas as a child, but they’re mostly a blur, one meshing in with another until they become one long string of Christmases. No, I mean my memories of Christmas are much clearer after I became an adult. I no longer woke up before the break of dawn to rush my parents out of bed, but rather lay in my own, listening to the sounds of the house waking up, my parents whispering in the dining room, the smell of coffee. I’d join them, mother would wish me happy birthday, and we would read the paper quietly together. It wasn’t the same every Christmas; it depended upon whether the others (my sister, brothers and families) were coming in for Christmas breakfast or dinner. If it were breakfast, then the morning was a rush of orange juice cans, egg shells and coffee grounds. If dinner – well the smells of ham baking, or pies, or bread, the oven constantly going; the bustle of activity, last minute cleaning before the group arrived. Then I’d play Santa, sitting under the tree handing out presents, my own set aside. Watching the kids open their gifts – there’s no magic in the world that can compare. And then the dinner where there was more food than any one family could possibly eat. Turkey, ham, yams, potatoes, salads of every variety and color, desserts galore; stories and games, laughter and more eating. And love. A lot of love.

That’s my wish for you this Christmas – family, laughter, memories - but most of all, love.

It's a Wonderful Spam

Make all girls look at your stick with admiration. (From mighty oaks …)
Watch this stock TOMMORROW! (OKAY!)
Massive PE patch sale. (Will this get me out of gym?)
Print Grocery Coupons for your Holiday Meals. (I’d rather have food, thank you.)
Christmas 944396. (A space odyssey)
Grab yourself a present that just keeps on giving. (STD’s?)
Massive holiday discounts for massive rods! (Oh yeah, I’ve seen those at WalMart, in the penis section.)
Mar.Christ.Watches. (Jesus wore a watch?)
Perfect Christmas gift for your loved one is a bigger PE! (damn, I got Bebo a chia pet instead.)
Watch your fantasy lineup with a HDTV from Best Buy. (Hugh Jackman, George Clooney, James Denton, Alex O’Loughlin, Orlando Bloom …)
Wanna pass an unforgettable night? (Only if I can have my fantasy lineup.)
Real holiday miracle is waiting for your little willy! (The real holiday miracle is the Virgin birth – little willy had a long wait.)

Blue Christmas

I was having a so-so day, not good nor bad. Then I made the mistake of answering the phone when one of the credit card companies called. I've been ignoring their phone calls, but for some masochistic reason I answered this one. Big mistake. Now I'm in major depression mode. This guy was real aggressive, but in that patronizing way. "Couldn't you get a second job?" Um, if I could have I would have. "Do you have something you can sell to make a payment?" Well, there are the cats. I sit in the dark, the room lit only by the TV and Christmas tree. I sit in 40 degree weather without the furnace on. If I sell something it would be to pay the electric bill, not a credit card. "You have to get your priorities in order." You think? My Sears card is not my priority. Maybe I should just give up eating.

I'm late with my Christmas cards. They're ecards because I couldn't afford to buy cards. My ecard account is set up in my real name, so if you receive something from Bluemountain.com, it'll be from me. It isn't spam.

Sorry this isn't the greatest post in the world, but it's all I have to give at the moment. Y'all have a great Wednesday.

Cats 4, Tree 0

Bebo Ain't Gettin' Nuthin' for Christmas ...

‘Cuz Bailey is mad.

Bebo told me there was only one thing she wanted for Christmas – the new Harry Potter movie. I’ve spent a month or so trying to figure out how I was going to come up with the money to buy it. Friday night my boss called and wanted to know if I’d work an entire shift on Saturday (instead of my half day) and I said yes. $25 dollars. Just what I needed to buy her gift. I worked the entire day and came home one tired puppy. Bebo wanted me to call her, so I did. We talked and then she quietly said “I bought myself something today.”
“What?” I replied.
Hesitation. “The new Harry Potter movie”.
It was so quiet on my side that you could hear a cat’s whisker hit the floor. “Why?” I said through gritted teeth.
“I thought it would be the only way I’d get it”.
Wrong!!!!!!!! “I was going to buy that for you. Now what am I going to do?”
Silence on her side. “Well you’ve done that before. Buy something you wanted before Christmas.”
Not a good enough answer. You see, I always give people plenty of options for my gift, so if I happen to buy one of them, at least there would be other things they could get me. And I never did it this close to Christmas. She only wanted one thing. ONE THING! So just as the song goes “Bebo ain’t gettin’ nutin’ for Christmas.”

The Cowboys lost. That’s all I’m going to say on the matter.

Heard tonight that Dan Fogelberg has died of prostate cancer. He was 56. For those of you who have no idea who I’m talking about – as you listen to your radio play Christmas music and you hear the song “Same Old Lang Syne” (in which a man reminisces after meeting an old girlfriend by chance during the holidays) – that’s Dan Fogelberg. He also sang “Leader of the Band”.

I hope everyone has a great Monday. And remember, if it’s a week before Christmas, don’t buy anything for yourself.

Cats 3, Tree 0

Santa Spam is Coming to Town

Don’t envy well-hung guys. (Envy? No. Lust? Yes)
Make it longer and more powerful with our pills! (What do you do, add them to the end?)
750 dollars free only for you! (Everybody else has to pay for it.)
Self-pity is not for you! Fight for your male perfection! (Okay Mrs. Jackman, put up your dukes.)
To whom it may concern. (Sincerely yours)
An awesome sex toy for men! (Why thank you)
Looking for really effective non-surgery penis enlargement method? (no)
Turn your trouser mouse into a monster schlong in 2008! (well, if you’re gonna put it that way …)
Cup thoroughly. (Always.)

We're Baaaaack

For the uninitiated, these are the voices in my head. Be afraid, be very afraid.

What’s that?

It’s a cat. They’re all over the place.

I haven’t seen that much fur since Robin Williams.

You’re disgusting.

Thanks.

That wasn’t a compliment.

It wasn’t?

It’s nice to be back.

Where have we been?

I don’t know about you but I’ve been in the Bahamas.

And you picked now to come back?

Why?

It’s, like, 40 degrees out there.

Thank you, I hadn’t noticed.

It’s a little hard …

I was being facetious.

I’m Swedish.

Facetious isn’t a thing, it’s a … oh, never mind.

Although my mother’s family was Irish.

Do I look like I care?

How can I tell? We don’t have faces.

That was just an expression.

An expression of what?

Of my undying love and gratitude.

Oh thank … you’re being that thing again, aren’t you?

Facetious? How could you tell?

You should be nicer to me.

Why ever for?

It’s the Christmas season.

And?

Love and joy to your fellow man.

You’re right. I’m sorry. Merry Christmas Ern.

Merry Christmas Bud.

I want a Hippopatamus for Christmas ...

... because it couldn’t do much more damage to the tree than the cats have. It finally happened. One of the cats (read that to be Aidan or BooBear because the others were in the bedroom with me) knocked over the Christmas tree. Yes, you read that right. My seven foot tree hit the floor. Nothing damaged, thank goodness, just a little skewed. I only had to re-string the red and green beads. I’m not sure how they did it. I have boxes under the tree for decoration so they couldn’t have crawled under it. I’m assuming they crawled onto the boxes on the side of the tree and tried to crawl in it. I knew it was bound to happen.

Winter has finally arrived in North Texas. I wasn’t sure it ever would get here. Friday’s temp was 84 (we broke a record), but today it didn’t even make it to 50. It’ll be in the 40s for the next couple of days. Drizzly. I wouldn’t be surprised if we get some ice.

The Cowboys nearly gave me a heart attack on Sunday. They were behind for most of the game, got within a yard of a game winning touchdown (might I say there wasn’t a lot of time left on the clock) and they lost the ball. LOST IT!!! At the goal line. The Lions got the ball and went down the field, eating up time on the clock. Finally, the ‘boys got it back, Romo threw a long pass and TOUCHDOWN. They won the game 28 – 27. 1 point. But they clinched the division – playoffs here we come.

We all know we procrastinate. Some more so than others. But what if you could procrastinate AND do good for the world? At freerice.com they have a vocabulary game where for every word you get right, they donate 20 grains of rice to the United Nations. I’ve already donated several thousands. Christa told me about the site and it’s fun/addictive.

Hope y’all have a great Monday.

Frosty the Snowspam

Finally the solution to reduce your debt. ( You have a million dollars?)
Are you cold in the Winter and hot in the Summer? (Normally.)
Your bigger dick will be your best friend now! (Um, has anyone told Bebo?)
High paid positions with us. (What positions?)
Are you dreaming about big penis? (I was dreaming of a white Christmas, but now that you mention it …)
Your neighbors have lost their alarm clock. (Can’t they glue it down?)
At your doorstep. (Not there now.)
Be happy with it! (I don’t have their freakin’ alarm clock)

Winter Wonderland ... Not!

Cat Marsters/Kate Johnson is doing a really great thing over at her blog. Please go over and check it out.

Seamas is a shithead. (You know Bubba is in trouble when I call him by his proper name.) He keeps going over to the tree and pulling at the lights. While I’m sitting here. Like I don’t exist. I’ve yelled at him three times already. Now he’s coming over to me to try to kiss up. Good luck.

North Texas can’t decide what the temperature ought to be. Monday it didn’t leave the 40s and Tuesday it was almost 70. It’ll be near the 70s most of the week. I wasn’t sure how to dress for work Tuesday morning since we started out in the 30s.

I’ve been on a Christmas movie kick on the weekends. One of the channels is showing back-to-back tacky made for TV movies and I’ve been inhaling them, no matter how stupid they are. I just finished The Shalvis’ “The Trouble With Paradise” (and will be reviewing it soon) and I’m not sure what I’ll start on next. What are you reading?

Silent Night

As I sit here looking at the tree, I can’t help but laugh. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a beautiful tree – from the knees up it’s full of ornaments and lights; but from the knees down, well, it’s bare. There are strands of lights which have already been pulled askew, but not an ornament in sight. I’m many things, but stupid is not one of them. I have cats. Four of them. I like my ornaments, thank you. Many of them are Hallmark (insert copyright symbol here) mischievous kittens series, some “It’s a Wonderful Life”, and a couple of Thomas Kinkaid lovelies. Each one is precious to me, some more than others, and I’m not about to expose them to the destructive claws of my furbabies. I love them too, but short of using furry handcuffs (on them, not me), there’s not much I can do about it. They rarely do it in front of me but rather wait until the middle of the night to wreak their hairball havoc. I have an artificial tree and the limbs pull out easily to be happily strewn across the floor where I step on them in the morning. And they hurt. Like hell. Aidan is the most blatant offender, followed quite happily if not clumsily by Bubba. But then Aidan will eat anything: silk flowers, garbage bags, plants, etc. so what’s an artificial Christmas tree or two? Ribbons and bows on presents? That went out with the cavecat. They don’t bother the wrapping paper, no fun in that. But Neely Shae loves tags and ribbons, my own personal shredder. BooBear is the only one who seems to leave the tree alone, with only a sniff or two. But I know better, he’s a cat. And he has plans for that tree.

Just so You'll Know

I stole this from Ames, who stole it from ... oh never mind.

Get a Cash Advance

A Night in the Stewart Household

The house was quiet as I sat huddled in my big ol’ chair reading my latest favorite Shalvis book, The Trouble With Paradise. Giggling, entranced by the words before me I barely registered you sliding up beside me until your tongue slicked into my ear.

“Stop that” I said, pushing you away.

Again your tongue flicked across my lobe.

“Not now, I’m reading” I pushed as I shuddered from the wetness.

I could feel your eyes boring through the book, but I ignored you and soon became immersed once again. You were silent and I forgot your presence. You left me to my book and I settled into the silence of the house and the pleasure of the story. Then a sound caught me and I looked up and slammed the book down.

“Aidan! Quit eating the tree!” I shouted across the room. As usual, you ignored me and continued nibbling on the branch, a hairs breath away from my favorite cat ornament.

“Aidan!” I half rose from my seat and you swung around, fluffy tail held high, slid against the wall and on down the hall.

I picked up the book, settled back down into the chair and began to read again. But I knew you’d be back, fluffy tail, tongue and all.

Jingle Spam

Don’t be shy to order. (Oh, I’m never shy about ordering.)
Skorsky. (And Hutch)
Hot sex with Viagra pills. (I’d rather have sex with Hugh Jackman, thank you.)
Please be informed that you should be extremely careful choosing your penis. (I’m always careful choosing my penis … )
Have hot sex now. (Right this minute?)
Toni tried this and is hoping you will be interested. (She did not! Stop that!)
Men think with their pants, not their heads. (No, they think with the head they have in their pants, not the pants themselves. Sheesh)
Your penis will be so big she will take it for the bridge over the river. (To grandmother’s house we go …)
She will necessarily say: “Such big!” (Oooh la la)

Procrastinating

I got 1685 on Christmas Hangman!!!!!

Free Thinking

That’s Bubba with his “Who, me?” look on his face. It’s been a while since I’ve posted a picture of one of my cats and this is one of my favorites.

So I sit here tonight waiting for Dancing With the Stars to come on and what do I find while channel surfing? It’s a Charlie Brown Christmas! Even though I have it on DVD, I’m still watching it, commercials and all. It’s what I call “found treasure”. You know, you’re channel surfing and come across something that you love and didn’t know was on?

BooBear is cuddled up against me, his favorite position. He’s been getting under the blanket and yesterday he did something that he’s never done in his whole 2 years. He got on my lap. Yep, crawled up there and settled himself in under the blanket. I was afraid to move because I know that my skittish baby would run off. The phone rang, which scared him away, but wouldn’t you know it – he got right back up there. I was amazed. BooBear was brought into the house at the age of around 4 months (he was part of the feral group outside), and because he had ringworm, he spent the next month in a cage, so he was almost 6 months old before he was held and cuddled. He doesn’t like to be picked up and carried and he cuddles on his own terms. He’s afraid of almost everything.

I’m reading The Trouble With Paradise by The Shalvis. Reading, reviewing … can actual writing be far behind? It’s been so long since I’ve written.

That’s it for this Tuesday night, and all the random thoughts I can come up with. Hope your Wednesday is a good one.

Baby It's Cold Outside

It’s cold outside. Honest. I know it’s not cold compared to my compadres up North, but highs in the lower 40s are still cold nonetheless. And I’m trying to keep my bills down, so I’m sitting here with an electric blanket over me and my little heater running. If you go stand next to the heater, it’s 50 degrees. But only if you stand next to it. I’ve also become the most popular mom in the world. The cats love the electric blanket, to the point that they often trap me in it. That has an unusual side-effect. They get me tucked in and then I’m like the little kid that you just got the snowsuit on and then they suddenly have to go potty. Yep. You try moving four cats off of you. Without using your hands. Bound in a blanket trying to cajole four contented cats to move off of the warm covering. Not that easy to do.

Christa has gotten me hooked on a new pastime. It’s called Christmas Hangmen. Originally Halloween Hangman, and then Thanksgiving Hangman. It’s like Lays chips, I can’t stop at one. Even when I learn all of the words and can get 1500 and so points, I can’t stop playing. Now they’ve switched to Christmas and I have a whole new set of words to learn. I rarely get up to 500 points now. But I’ll keep at it until I learn those damn words if it kills me. If you want to play, go here.

There’s also a new review at Isn’t it Romantic. Go check it out.

Leftover Spam

Your neighbors have lost their alarm clock. (Second verse, same as the first …)
We have something for you. (If it’s an alarm clock, don’t tell the neighbors.)
Noizuded (Bless you.)
Thank you, we are accepting your debt request. (I did not request to be in debt!)
Tspell (Wanna try that again?)
Vicky tried this and is hoping you will be interested. (Vicky did not!)
Have penis like a tower and you will have the power. (The Eiffel Tower?)
You have got to take a peek at this item. (No I don’t.)
Show this to the kids. (Isn’t there a law against that?)
With a big penis you can beat up all the other men. (Honest Officer, I was struck by a giant penis …)

Boomer News

It’s a sad week for us American Baby Boomers. One of our commercial icons passed away. Dick Wilson died at the age of 91. Who’s Dick Wilson you say? For close to twenty years he portrayed George Whipple in the old Charmin commercials and uttered one of the best loved lines for a generation. “Ladies, please don’t squeeze the Charmin” became a part of Americana and was used in idle conversation and satirical comedy sketches. Goodbye Mr. Whipple, goodbye.

I was also hit smack in the face with my own mortality. I received an email informing me that a high school classmate had passed away. Even though this isn’t the first one, it still makes me stop in my tracks and think – we’re all getting older.

Also, since I’m not blogging on Thursday, I want to wish all who celebrate a Happy Thanksgiving. As we gather with friends and family, its important to give thanks for what we have and I give thanks for my blog friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin. Thank you.

Everyone, have a great Thanksgiving.

And Happy Birthday Bebo!

I need a little privacy, please.

Once, just once, I’d like to go to the bathroom on my own. The master bath is about the size of a closet and once you get me, Bubba, Neely Shae, Aidan and BooBear in there, it’s a pretty tight squeeze. Shut the door? Nope, the house has shifted and the door doesn’t shut all the way and Bubba has a way with his paws. “Pop” the door opens and they file in one by one. Then they fight over who gets to sit on momma’s feet. Use the main bathroom? Yeah, I could do that. The door shuts. But then Bubba (you notice it’s always him?) meows and pounds on the door like he’s going to crash in. I’m sure the noise can be heard next door. Nope, gotta let the little beasts in. Try brushing your teeth with cats surrounding the sink, blocking your access. One of these days I’ll just have them brush my teeth for me. And speaking of Bubba, try pulling your pants up with him in them. I know, TMI, but I don’t care. Once, just once, I’d like to get out of the shower without having to wipe my feet quickly and shove them into slippers before I do anything else. Why? Because Bubba (yeah, him again) likes to lick my toes and bite them. Told you he was weird. It’s okay if he licks the water on my legs, but those toes are too much of a temptation for him.

Bebo and I got the living room ready for winter this morning. I have to keep my furnace off as much as possible, so we had to make a spot for my space heater, PLUS the way the room was before made it practically impossible to watch the T.V. even with glasses! So it’s all ready. Right now we’re up in the upper 70s and lower 80s at least until Wednesday. Then a cold front comes in and on Turkey day it may not make it out of the 50s. With wood floors it can be quite cool in here. I’ll turn on the heater, snuggle in my big chair with a blanket and enjoy the Cowboy game. They won today and are 9 – 1! I can’t believe they’ve only lost one game!

I’ve filled in for a co-worker, so I’ve been in the store 3 ½ days – Saturday afternoon I began sneezing. My allergies can’t handle being in the store that much. I have to work again this Friday, but thankfully we’re closed Thursday so maybe it won’t be that bad.

Question: If you could go back and re-live one half-hour of your life (not change anything) what half-hour would you choose? I’d choose one from 1998 before my dad got bad and Alzheimer’s took over mom’s life. Just to spend a half-hour with my parent’s again.

Bleak Spam

Change your baby banana to a large banana. (Now quit monkeying around.)
Attract and meet your dream mate tonight. (Oh Hugh!)
Win real money. (As opposed to Monopoly money?)
Now you can even parade your penis. (Has anybody told Macy’s this?)
I’m so stupid, but they even call me dummy! (If the name fits …)
Now your penis will be too big to be covered by your hat. (You know, I haven’t seen a lot of men walking around with hats covering their penises.)
It’s true. (I really doubt that.)
Who will know? (Hat makers?)
From now on small breasts will never be the cause of your embarrassment. (Not if I have a penis too big to be covered by my hat.)

Cats

Got this from Christa:

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year Eve Party. We turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat, we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...

Reading, Reviewing and Eating, Oh My

It feels good to review again. It feels good to be reading again. Please do check out my review of Loreth Anne White’s “Seducing the Mercenary” on Isn’t It Romantic. I absolutely loved this book. And if you haven’t read the other books in the Shadow Soldiers series – Why haven’t you? And if I’m reading again, can writing be far behind?

As most of you know, I have lost 30 lbs. But for some reason I have developed a deep craving for chocolate. Bebo will tell you that I’m not a big chocolate eater, nor do I crave chocolate. But I want it, and I want it now. Don’t get in my way. So I have fallen in love. Hershey’s Hugs. If you’ve had these, well, need I say more? And if you haven’t – Why haven’t you?

Jason Evans is having another short fiction contest called Restless Dawn. If you're interested, hop on over there - Jason's contests are always fun and draws some really great entries. Even if you don't want to enter, go over there and read the entries.

Gone With the Spam

Nobody will know about your problems. (Especially if I don’t tell you.)
Are you free? (No, I’m very expensive.)
Your date is here. (Oh Hugh!)
Watch him dance. (I’ve seen him dance, he’s quite good.)
My name is. Can I ask you? (No. And I’m not telling you my problems either.)
Stick to your date. (What are you going to use, super glue?)
What do you reckon about this, Maggie would know. (Who the hell is Maggie?)
Your penis can be so big your friends could play football on it. (Now wait a minute, is that American or English football?)


Update: For some reason I can't access Bailey's email, so if you need to email me you'll have to use the old email address. If you don't have it .... well .... hmmmm.

Funny Ads

These are advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country (or so we are led to believe)
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
- For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
- Great Dames for sale.
- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
- If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

It's Me

Sunday’s movie: Transformers (4 stars)

For months I thought I had a problem reading. I’ve been reading Sasha White’s “Lush” on the computer, and although I’ve been enjoying it (especially the second story), I keep having problems finishing it. Then Loreth Anne White’s “Seducing the Mercenary” came in the mail Friday and I’m almost half-way through it. What’s the difference? One is on the computer, the other in my hands. I wasn’t having a problem reading, I was having a problem with ebooks. I thought that buying the laptop would help me with this problem, but when I get on the computer I want to play games, IM, etc. – everything except read. So I apologize to Sasha, who was hoping for a review. I should have bought the book when I saw it in the store. I’m just not an ebook reader, I have to come to terms with that. I don’t think, even for the Shalvis, that I’m going to be able to read anything longer than a short story on the computer. And now that I’m on book restriction (I can’t buy any books at all), that’s going to really hurt.

The Hunchback of Notre Spam

You can fall into a room full of penises. (Date and time please.)
Too much fun. (You’re telling me?)
Every bit as fun as the real ones. (You mean they’re not real? Damn.)
Born again penises. (Born again? I never had one in the first place.)
Anything else? (I wasn’t born with wealthy parents either.)
SOLD OUT- limited offer – do you want Rolex? (If you’re sold out, how can you have a limited offer?)
Why settle for what you have? (Because I already have it?)
Remember youth? (Vaguely.)

Pet Lovers Manifesto

I've seen some of these before, but it's worth repeating. Happy Halloween!

- When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
- The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
- Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
- Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
- It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

Strange Day

Had a very pleasant Sunday. My mother’s sister Alice came in and she, Bebo and I had a nice lunch. I hadn’t seen my Aunt Alice since January, so it was wonderful to catch up with her, but at the same time it was kind of sad. She and mother were best friends, and she was married to my favorite uncle who we lost in January. It was … different. There’d been many potluck dinners in this house over the years, but never with just three people. It’ll take some getting used to. Cowboys didn’t play today, so no football to write about, so I guess this is it.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Spam

Trust our wonder-medicine and your penis will surprise you. (Surprise will be putting it mildly.)
Congratulations, you have been chosen to enjoy. (Enjoy what? Or am I to be enjoyed? Calling Hugh Jackman!)
Funny isn’t it? (I don’t think it’s funny.)
I’ve never laughed so hard! (You think it would be funny that Hugh Jackman might enjoy me?)
No offense. (No offense taken.)
Still upset about it? (I just consider the source.)
Get bigger and larger errections quickly. (By adding an “r”?)
Thank you for your time. (Don’t mention it. I mean it, please don’t mention it.)

A Woman's Ass

From Susan:

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting:
25% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

Bebo

October has been a tough month for my family. Both of my parents died in October. Saturday night, Bebo’s father passed away. We hate October. He’d been in hospice for a couple of weeks and his body finally gave out. So now Bebo has been through this hospice thing three times. Even though they were her in-laws, she took good care of my parents while they were in hospice. Death was not what she wanted to become an expert of. Please say a little prayer for her.

Ethan Spam

Hey you. (What?)
Your life. (What about it?)
Go nightmare. (Says who?)
Be strong, don’t worry. (I’m getting advice from spam?)
I’ll never let you down. (Great, spam Dear Abby.)
Drink it, forget it! (That’s the best advice you have?)
You’ll thank me later. (I doubt it.)
I appreciate you, friend. (Gee, how sickly sweet.)

Bath Tub Test

Got this from Bebo:

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"

It's Been a Year

Sunday has been a difficult day, the first anniversary of my mother’s death. Bebo and I went out to the cemetery this morning, but then she had a family thing she had to attend so I spent the day alone. Mother has constantly been on my mind, flashbacks to her last day. I would have thought that after a year the ache would ease, but it hasn’t. My mother was so much a part of my life, my support in times of need. We were very close. Now I start my second year without her and I can only hope that it’s better than the last. Thanks for putting up with my bit of self-pity, you are true friends.

The Old Man and the Spam

You’ll love this. (What now?)
With the help of our system you could become the man that you have always wanted. (I could become Hugh Jackman?)
Don’t understand why. (Because Hugh Jackman is “the man”.)
You will get noticed. (I believe it.)
October 78% off. (You can do that?)
It’s Kelly here, we should catch up sometime. (I know, I’ve been a bad blogster.)
Need to buy medications but don’t know where? (Um, try a drugstore.)
This is unbelievable! (They’ve been around for a while.)

Wednesday Jokes

These are from Susan:

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning." They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."


Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Manhattens.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station.We'll never forget you.'


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices as a beautiful blonde woman waves at him and says hello. He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

It's Monday

On Sunday Bebo and I watched Room 1408 and Fantastic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer. Both were good movies. If you like Stephen King you’ll enjoy Room 1408 and of course FF was full of great action.

On a sad note, one year ago today we put mom in hospice. It doesn’t seem like it’s been a year – she died on the 14th. I still miss her so much.

Spam and Sensibility

Great to be back. (yeah, a week without spam is a … week without spam.)
You okay now? (Feeling lots better, thank you.)
What can we offer you? (A million bucks would make me feel a whole lot better.)
You’ve received a postcard from a neighbor. (Are they looking for their alarm clocks?)
Pay attention, this one is moving. (Not after I bury it.)
If you do not tell, I will not. (Promise.)
Who will know? (The neighbors are getting a little suspicious.)
I think it is time. (Just don’t tell the neighbors.)

The Druggist

From Lis:


Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone".

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up."

"I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket."

"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook".

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. All the while, the phone was still ringing."

"When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

I'm Back

I’m finally beginning to feel better and will probably return to work on Tuesday. I know I have a couple of emails to answer, but it’s been a long day and I’m wiped out. I’ll answer y’all tomorrow. Got out today – went to Bebo’s and watched the Dallas Cowboys go 4 – 0 in a victory over St. Louis (yahoo!). The team is looking pretty good, especially our quarterback Tony Romo.

I know this is a short post, but I’m really tired. I hope you have a good week and I’ll talk to ya on Wednesday.

No Spam

I have walking pneumonia, so no spam today. Instead, here's a "little" joke Lis sent me. Y'all have a good weekend.

I rear ended a car this morning.....
I could tell, it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started...

Wednesday Wit

Some more from Susan.




A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your Child. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM." Signed, "The Blonde." She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."


Three mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then a grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out: "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are." "There ain't no way you can guess it you old fools," he retorted. "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but curious, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up: "You're 84 years old!"
"How in the world did you guess?" asked the amazed man.
The old grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "because we were at your birthday party yesterday."



Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Another Monday

Since Bebo spent Sunday with her family, there was no movie watched. Instead I watched the Cowboys beat the Miami Dolphins. They kind of had me worried there in the first half, but then came alive in the second half. And our defense – intercepting the Dolphins Trent Green 4 times! We’re now 2 – 0, our best start of the season for a long time. I don’t know how many of these close games in the first two quarters that I can take. I like it a lot better when we’re blowing out the score and I don’t have to fret so much – I can enjoy the game.

And tonight is the Emmy Awards – I love award shows, so I’ll be right there in front of the tube for a night of stunning dresses and long-winded acceptance speeches. Oh, and my weight loss total is up to 28 lbs. so far.

Moby Spam

Something smells fishy. (I think it’s you.)
This is not for idiots. (You think it takes a Ph.D. to write spam? And what college does spam go to?)
Why your last diet failed. (Could have been the Twinkies.)
Save money on unwanted auto repairs. (Aren’t all repairs unwanted?)
Be our guest! You have been invited to stay with us for free. (No, no – to stay with you, I’d have to be paid.)
Cialis is the gift sent from above. (God provides Cialis?)
This is too crazy. (Now you’re using your brain.)
Thought this might help. (Using your brain was short-lived.)
Nefarious cowboy. (But my heroes have always been cowboys.)

Nothing Funny

Wednesday is supposed to be joke day, but as I’m writing this on Tuesday, September 11 I find it hard to be funny. I’m watching “United 93” as I’m typing this. I can still remember the horror I felt that day, and the days afterwards. So for today, I wish you a good Wednesday, a safe one for you and those you love.

Monday ... Again?

Oh Lawdy, it’s Monday again. Let’s see, this weekend’s movie was “Love Actually”, a movie that Bebo had seen but I hadn’t. Good movie. I hadn’t noticed before just how loverly Colin Firth is. I’ll have to catch some more of his movies. And the little boy who played Liam’s son is a cutie. Ahhhh, young love. Got me to thinking about my first crush – Chet – in the third grade. I don’t know what happened to him, but I’ll always remember him as the first guy to break my heart. How about you? Who was your first crush and do you still keep in contact with them (I do keep in contact with my second crush – Ben).

And yes folks, its NFL season. Cowboys play the New York Giants tonight, so we’ll see if this year is “the year” for the ‘boys. Other teams have had a look at Romo now – unlike when he took over the quarterback position last year – so it’s a whole new ball game this season.

Wruthering Spam

Since I've been asked - the avatar - the bikini is because it's hot, the snow because I wish it weren't. Now on to spam.

Hello! We met at that hotel in Hawaii. (What did you dream the next night?)
Meet me tonight? (Um, no.)
Here or no where else. (Well I guess it’s no where else.)
Tuesday trade notice. (What are you going to trade it with … Thursday?)
Can never tell the difference. (You’re right about that – Thursday, Tuesday – all the same to me.)
But perhaps Miss Wickersham has already explained the circumstances. (Miss Wickersham? Spam got old lady librarians?)
It amazes us. (You’re amazed? I’m flabbergasted.)
As long as I live. (How long does spam live?)
No time left. (On your life or for spamarama? Hey, get back here and answer me.)

If It's Wednesday, it must be ...

Joke day - more from Susan.


At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."


An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why --it was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story: If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable!


One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends

Some Days Make no Sense

Ackkkk, here’s the blog post where I have to talk about myself. I hate Mondays because of this. I can never think of anything to say. Wait, I’ve lost 22 lbs. so far – that’s good, right? Bebo and I watched “Vacancy” Sunday. Scary stuff with plenty of jumps and chilly moments. We will never, ever stay at one of those isolated roadside motels again. Not that we’re planning on taking any trips off interstate and into the backwoods. But just in case …

Today, in the U.S., is Labor Day. I think it’s a day to celebrate the working class by giving them a day off. But now it’s evolved into a day of shopping, barbeques, and lake-side shenanigans. Shopping of course means that somebody has to labor, so it’s not Labor Day for everyone. Got it? We used to have a big family get together on Labor Day, but since Mom’s death, well actually since Dad’s death, we haven’t had a lot of get-togethers. Bebo will be spending the day with her parents and I’ll be sitting around twiddling my thumbs. Or sleeping. My guess is sleeping. I hope those of you who celebrate this day have a good one – well, hell, everyone have a good one whether you celebrate Labor Day or not.

See why I hate Mondays?

Of Mice and Spam

Hey, remember me? (Who could forget?)
Here is the news you’ve been waiting for. (Oh, goody, goody.)
Your neighbors lost their alarm clock. (That’s not news. And I’m sure that’s not the news I wanted.)
Sheesh, what are you thinking? (That maybe Hugh Jackman was on his way here?)
I’m sorry I sprung that. (You should be)
Glad I didn’t wait any longer. (You could have waited forever.)
Don’t worry, be happy! (I talk to spam, what is there to be happy about?)
I have to leave town. (Now I’m happy.)

Hump Day Hilarity

A few jokes from Susan

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!



Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day Gladys and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Gladys called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we don't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.


A priest and a pastor from the local churches were standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:
The End is Near!
Turn Yourself Around Now...
Before It's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you Religious Nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The priest turned to the pastor and asked, "Do you think the sign should just say "Bridge Out"?"

Attack of the "B" Movies

I’ve sat and stared at this page for quite a while now, with X-Men running in the background and thoughts of tonight’s NFL game floating through my head. I don’t really have anything to blog about, except I finally got to see “The Devil Wore Prada” (or is that "The Devil Wears Prada", now I can't remember) and loved it. Anybody else seen it, or am I the last? And then Bebo and I watched “Solar Attack” – a “B” movie that looked right down our alley. Bebo and I love lousy “B” pictures about ghosts or world disasters, but this one ranked amongst the worse of them. What about you? Do you like “B” movies? What’s your guilty pleasure, movie-wise? And what good movie have you seen lately? Talk to me.

Fahrenheit Spam

You still working on it? (Give me a moment, my brain is fried from the heat.)
Almost customer. (What’s that, someone who walks by and looks in the window?)
Secretly hockey player (Who? The almost customer? How can you be secretly a hockey player? Do you sneak the puck in?)
Let me know what you think about this, I would be very interested in your opinion. (I don’t think it’ll work – someone in the rink would notice.)
Well, you showed me yours, I guess I better show you mine, hehe. (Wait! I never showed you nothing! Don’t you show … ooooooh, naked spam!)
At that moment he heard the sound of distant laughter. (Yeah, me and my blogsters, put your clothes on.)
Have the best enjoyment with Cialis! (Rather have the best enjoyment with Hugh Jackman)
We recommend you to take two tablets once a day, after a meal. (If it’ll help me get Hugh Jackman …)

Order in the Court

I got this from Lis. Enjoy your Hump Day Humor


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there
.__________________________________________________ __________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?________________________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

When You're Owned by Cats

There are some things about living with cats that non-cat owners don’t understand. For one thing, you will never be alone, not really. I don’t remember the last time I went to the bathroom by myself. Or brushed me teeth alone. Take a nap? Not without Neely or Bubba. And then they get angry if I move my foot. It’s my foot, I’ll move it if I want to. They sit there and stare at me while I eat – even though I have never given them human food. They just sit there like the cat gods are going to bestow upon them a little crumb. Don’t hold your breath babies, it ain’t happening. There are times when I’m sitting in my big ol’ chair and all four of them are with me, leaving me no space to move. Ever try moving a mouse while reaching around a cat? Didn’t think so. Unless you have cats. Then you know what I mean. Aidan’s big thing is to walk up my chest and butt his forehead against mine, while I’m trying to type on the computer. That takes a lot of talent on my part. Anyway, I was just thinking about this as I sat in the bathroom surrounded by cats. All four of them. In a room as big as a closet. Come to think of it – haven’t I just described life with a toddler?

It's Spamarama Friday!

Can't do the spam again, it's too hot to think, so here's another repeat from May 2006. Enjoy! And yes, I know that it republishes all of the comments too - I don't care.


I'm not guaranteeing anything this time. I'm half asleep, but we'll see what I can do. For the uninitiated, this is actual spam that comes to me every single day. Loverly, ain't they? So I have nothing better to do than to talk back at them. I know, pathetic.

How hot is this? (Well, right now it’s only 69, but I hear it’s going to be hotter tomorrow)

Tell me (What? Don’t just stand there and demand things. It's my in-box.)

My true friend (Um, I don’t even know your name, but okay.)

Rube (City Slicker)

Quixotic retort (Sancho Panza dresses you funny.)

It’s not working like it used to? (Well, you know, you get older and things happen.)

Bill Gates got one (Bill Gates can afford it.)

They envy you (Why? ‘Cuz I know that Bill Gates got one?)

Hen (Heifer)

Your neighbors lost their alarm clock (I’m getting a little tired of this freakin’ alarm clock!)

Don’t speak to the parrot (Why? Did he take the alarm clock?)

Last offer – Discount Special for PE patch almost over! (Why didn’t you tell me this back in High School – I hated gym.)

Want to make a baby? nerygudi (Not really R2D2)

Erection still possible Lula (Really! Does the National Enquirer know?)

Urgent Neighborhood House assessment information (All I know is that the neighbors can’t keep track of their alarm clock. And their house is ugly too.)

Misconstrue exhumation (You either dig it up or not. What’s so hard about that?)

Replica for you (Only if its Hugh Jackman.)

Evaluate your local stores and keep what you buy. (I don’t know where you’ve been shopping, but I always get to keep what I buy.)

Anonymously (No, if I write a check, they usually know who I am – the names right there.)

Here’s some ideas about this Monday. (Let’s get this straight. Friday is spamarama day, not Monday. Don’t you even think about showing up on Monday.)

The Pastor's Cat

Bebo sent this to me and I thought it was hysterical and perfect for Hump Day humor.

A Paster had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The Pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.
The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the Pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.
He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.
The Pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten.
No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
She told the Pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

Where's the Ice

I hate this. It got up to 103 today with a heat index of 108. 108! One, zero, eight. I can't take this much longer - I hate heat. My asthma hates heat. My a/c hasn't gone off once today. Not to mention that the kamikaze caterpillars are back. Yeah, made my summer. It's too hot to cook - almost too hot to think about eating. Did I mention that it was hot? 108. And there's no relief in sight. Oh, wait. Towards the end of the week we may plummet to the cool temp of 99! Be still my heart. If I could figure out how to do it, my big ol' chair and I would be sitting in the freezer right now. My kingdom for an igloo. The kamikaze caterpillars seem to enjoy it though. Another reason to hate them. I opened the front door today and had one fall on my hand - yuck! I did see a big whooly black caterpillar the other day - means a hard winter. Football is starting. The state fair is in September. School starts in about a week. What do those three things mean? Fall. Cooler temps. Around the corner. Please let it be around the corner. Did I mention that I hate heat? Why Bailey, why are you still in Texas? I asked myself the same thing today when the little temp thingy on my toolbar turned red. Money. That's why I'm stuck in this hell-hole they call summer. 108!



On the brighter side, I forgot to mention that Raine nominated me as a Rockin' Girl Blogger. I'm really honored. I, on the other hand, can't seem to make a decision so I'm not nominating anyone. I know, party pooper. But it's too hot! I'm too hot! Oh please Fall, get here soon ...

Spamalot

Since I am having asthma problems this week, I decided to pull out the very first spamarama - April 20, 2006. If you've read it before I hope you enjoy it again. If you haven't - here's how it all started.

I’ve been doing something strange lately (stop that, get back here). I’ve been collecting spam subjects. Yes, spam. I just started looking at some of the subject lines and began laughing. You know how my mind works (don’t go there). Here they are, with comments by me in bold (of course).

Your neighbors have lost their alarm clock (And I’ll give it back when they get rid of those drums)
Pamela Anderson is in the neighborhood (Maybe she took the alarm clock)
I’ve got a job (I’ll be sure to tell Pam)
The speak he beseech (The silence I beg)
So have it sanitary behemoth (Not only that, but get it cleaned really good)
We need to talk (No we don’t)
Do you want women to run to you like the night butterflies fly to the light? (Uh, noooo)
Hello! (Hi yourself)
Get a $500 Home Makeover with participation! (I don’t want to participate – I want you to do it like Extreme Makeover and send me away while you work)
Did you know that statistics say that sex makes you look 12 years younger? (No, but how many 3 year old hookers do you see?)
With your Cialis soft tabs super effect she’ll be going like ooh-la-la (Like, they make you French?)
The clock is ticking for your skin (Not if it’s the neighbor’s clock)
Nice Rolex (Thanks. Got it from some guy in an alley)
Imagine what would happen if the king weren't able to father (Don't want to, I'm still caught up in that butterflies to the light thing)
Gotta second for me? (Nope. Beat it, scram, adios)
What do you think about it? (I don't know. What do you think about it?)
I found it! (Gee, I'll tell the neighbors)
Happy or Not (Yes, generally)
Need some help? (No, but Pam Anderson might)
Don't open! Don't do it! hehe (Don't worry, I won't!)
Whatcha up to? (Oh about 5'3")
Don't be alone once again (Naturally)
Sat untold (I do this all of the time)
Gotta sec? (Not really. I'm busy answering spam)
Citation sanctioned from Captain Brent Edwards (Pardoned by Captain America)
We watched as the kids skated in (And then our lovely daughter Mathilda fell and knocked everyone on their butts)
With Virility Patch your pe*** will be able to reach from New York to Los Angeles (I have to ask - why? Do you really want this?)
Necessary updates about your estate (I have an estate?)
Citation sanctioned from Deputy Grant Smith (Overruled by Deputy Dawgg)
From Oliver John, I Need Your Support (Mine? Try Bali)

How to Tell If Your Feet Stink

Got this from Bebo. BTW, the cats can't open the catfood container. *gg*

Cat Demands

Bubba here. We have Bailey gagged and tied up in the closet. It wasn’t easy, but running around her feet a few times got her to the floor. We have the following demands.

One – Catnip. Not that little bit in those pink fuzzy mice. The real stuff. The weed, man, the weed.

Two – Tuna. Not in springwater, but in oil. It’s good for our coats and those tacky hairballs.

Three – Me, Aidan and BooBear would like our balls back. We weren’t broke, we didn’t need fixing. We want what rightly belongs to us, it’s only fair.

Four – Garfield on the 2008 Presidential Ticket.

Is that all?
Aidan: The milk, the milk.

Oh yeah, five – milk with lots of cream. Even ice cream would be nice.

Is that it?
BooBear: Birds

I got it – six – Birds. Lots of them. I want to try one of them Ostriches.

That’s all, .... oh, what Neely?
Neely: soft pillows.

And Neely wants soft pillows, maybe made out of the feathers of those birds. Hehe

Get these seven things for us, and we’ll return Bailey.

Tomorrow Never Spams

Prepare yourself for this (Nothing you can do will surprise me)
A truly remarkable durg. (Obviously)
Wobbly cab driver (I guess he enjoyed that durg too.)
Face became very flushed and hot. (I know, I get that way when I think of Hugh Jackman)
Just talk to him. (Sometimes you come up with the most asinine ideas.)
Sorry, I’ll try to think harder. (Don’t hurt yourself.)
We know each other? (We were just … oh nevermind.)
Penis pill money back guarantee. (How do you get a penis to take a pill?)

I've been tagged!

Four things that should go into Room 101 and be removed from the face of the earth:

1. Lohan, Spears, Hilton and Richie.
2. Intolerance
3. Hunger
4. violence

Three things people do that make you want to shake them violently:

1. abuse animals
2. abuse people
3. play God

Two things you find yourself moaning about:

1. Money
2. work

One thing the above answers tell you about yourself:

1. That I’m a broke person who cares about everyone except Hollywood starlets.

I tag: Michelle, Lis and Loreth.

Rules: Link to the original meme at freelancecynic.com so people know what it’s all about! Be as honest as possible, this is about letting people know the real you! Try not to insult anyone – unless they really deserve it or are very, very ugly. Post these rules at the end of every meme.

RWA Pictures

This was mine, Dennie and Cece's room. I needed a step-stool to get up on the bed.

Loreth Anne White and I. She had to stoop to get down to my level. She's so tall and graceful.

Melissa McClone and I. She was so much fun - we talked about cats of course.

And last, but not least, The Shalvis and I. Look, even she's taller than me. I didn't realize how short I was until I stood next to these awesome ladies.

Spam Another Day

You can be with Cialis (I’d rather be with Hugh Jackman.)
Implements the basic functionality common to buttock control. (Huh?)
You’ve received a postcard from a neighbor! (“Will trade Bubba for alarm clock”)
Tirade (You haven’t heard a tirade if they don’t return Bubba!)
O’Clocks (Hold it, I have to find a shovel.)
Have herself Minneapolis. (Are you sure it’s not St. Paul?)
Recommended listing Lis (List her where? Minneapolis?)
Your neighbors have lost their alarm clock. (Yeah, and I’ve got Bubba.)
Do you want to be a better lover quickly. (Quicker isn’t necessarily better.)

Jason Evans is having another writing contest on his blog. The contest ends on Wednesday. If you don't enter, you should at least go over and read the entries - there's some good stuff there.

I'm Baaaaaaack!

I have my laptop again!!!! I am so happy I could sing and dance, if it wouldn’t scare the cats. Bebo’s friend Steve took about an hour before he finally slayed the internet beast. I don’t know what he did, but it sure worked. La da dee da da (I’m singing and dancing – the cats are running for the hills). Don’t you wish every trouble you had could be fixed in under an hour?

Speaking of problems, say a few prayers for Susie on Thursday. She’s going in for day-surgery to remove a polyp in her uterus. Let’s hope it’s benign.

Meanwhile, I want to know what you are reading. I’m reading Lush by Sasha White in ebook and Hands On by Amie Stuart in print. Come on, spill it, whatcha reading?

My Kingdom for a Router

So I bought a new router on Friday but my laptop won't connect to it for some reason. Bebo has a friend who is a computer tech and he's going to come and look at it this week. Which means I'm still stuck on this PC that even Bebo wanted to throw through the window. Have I told you that it's low on memory so it's slower than molasses? Meanwhile, my laptop just sits on the dining room table beckoning to me. It's sort of like looking through a window at a homemade cherry pie - you can see it, but it doesn't do you any good. I want to blog again. I need to IM! I'm so cut off that I might as well have no internet. Ooops, did I say that out loud? I didn't mean it computer gods.

Now, on the personal front. I'm still dealing with depression (no, really?!) and my endless need to sleep. Funny, I didn't have a problem with it at conference - so at least that proves that it isn't the medication making me sleepy. And no, it wasn't because I was busy - there was nothing for me to do on Wednesday except sit in one of the sitting areas and talk to people, so I sat there for hours - sometimes with people, sometimes alone. Never once wanted a nap. Work is going okay - I've almost quit smoking at work, that was step number one.

That's pretty much it for my Monday "Bailey Update". Hopefully we'll get the router taken care of this week and I'll be able to show you the pictures from conference. Y'all be good, and if you can't be good then tell me all about it.

Octaspammy

YOu can get a bigger erecttile member. (How? By adding a “t”?)
It can also add excitement. (It would only be exciting if it were Hugh Jackman)
But no, I won’t give it to you. (Well now I really want it.)
Let Thirty Plus Singles help you find your mate. (I don’t need help from over thirty people. Wait, maybe I do.)
Here’s another message from Ms. Wong. (I didn’t get the first one.)
Your neighbors have lost their alarm clock (Now they have their own personal messenger?)
You did it. That’s it. Cold. (Not cold, but you’re getting warmer.)
What makes your brain think you’re full? (could be that entire watermelon I ate.)
You don’t have to spend hugh amounts on travel. (I’ll spend whatever Hugh wants to give me.)