Hang-ups

Ames did a meme listing the hang-ups or things that she has to do before writing or while writing. While they don’t have to be musts, they are things that make her feel more comfortable. So I decided to do my own. You don’t have to do one, but feel free to throw in a comment about any hang-ups you might have before you start writing, do chores, read, etc.


A Day of Writing with Bailey


1. I have to check my emails, MySpace messages and go by Jill’s blog (if it’s in the morning)

2. If it’s a morning that I’ve posted my blog, then I have to check comments there too.
3. Check friends status’
4. Put LOLcatz comment on Ames’ MySpace page.
5. Find the right music. I’m easily distracted so most of the time the music can’t have words to it because I’ll sing along. But, on the other hand, I have been known to put together music CD’s that describe either the characters personalities, the action of the story, or set up the ambience for a scene. For instance, “At Last” for the first love scene; “Smuggler’s Blues” for an action scene, etc.
6. play 3 or 4 rounds of spider solitaire
7. I can’t write pen and paper because of the arthritis. Well, I can write it, but I won’t be able to read it. Now that I have the laptop, I can sit in my favorite chair.
8. I have to have the storyboard set up.
9. Go smoke a cigarette and get a coke
10. Stare at screen for a few minutes and wonder what in the hell am I doing.
11. Read the last chapter to get back into the feel of the story.
12.I have to have the characters names before I can write the story. Sometimes they come to me easily, other times it’s like pulling teeth.
13. Go smoke a cigarette. Sit on porch and plot perfect paragraph. Then forget the entire paragraph when I get back into house.
14. I also have to have a title. It doesn’t have to be the perfect title, but I have to call it something more than the WIP or “untitled”
15. Look at storyboard and fall in love with my hero again. Now I’m ready to write.

Aidan's Turn

Aidan here. Mother was going to have Seamas blog again, but I begged her not to subject you to any more of his “LOLz” cat speak, so to say. I hate that site; it’s such an insult to us superior felines. Anyway, we’re adjusting fine without Neely Shae, although I must admit that I do miss my favorite target. Bailey and Seamas aren’t as fun to attack. And I said Bailey. I don’t care if there’s some sort of mix-up with his and mother’s names. BooBear is ridiculous. How could any self-respecting feline hold up his head with a name like BooBear? I know, mother calls me Aidan Maiden, so who am I to speak, right? I.hate.Aidan Maiden. In case I’m not clear enough – Aidan Maiden sucks eggs. She even has a little poem for me: Aidan Maiden, pudding pie. Kissed the kits and made them cry. When Aidan Maiden came out to play, all the kits they ran away. Can you imagine going through life with that sticking to you? It’s either that or Secret Aidan Man. If I have to have one or the other, I’ll take Secret Aidan Man because at least it’s male.

Mother has been having a bit of a bad week. The sale of the house isn’t going through as soon as she, and obviously Uncle David, thought it would. So here’s mother packing to move into an apartment she can’t afford. It’s all Uncle David’s fault and if he were here I’d pee on his foot. He doesn’t like cats anyway, so what harm would it do? I could leave a little present in his shoe too, if you know what I mean. I don’t mind getting a little crass when it comes to protecting my mother.

I heard mother say the other day that she just doesn’t get to blog as much as she used to. What with all of this packing and cleaning, she doesn’t have the time. I know, you see her on MySpace a lot. She’s not always there. Mother has this habit of leaving the computer on and logged into the site. Whenever she gets a message or something, it “cachings” (that’s the closest to the sound I can get) rather loudly and she comes running to answer it. It’s pathetic if you ask me, sort of like Pavlov’s dogs. Anyway, once she’s settled into her new place, she’ll get back to a routine. Whatever that is. And she’ll be able to look for a job again. I’ve been told she needs one badly. I don’t know why, wouldn’t a purr, nuzzle and lick get her most things in life? It works for us.

A Hard Spam's Night

Can I tell you? (Not right now.)
It’s important (Okay, go ahead.)
A penis is a terrible thing to waste. (I thought that was a mind? Oh, wait, for some people that is their mind)
Tired of losing your erection halfway, or having a small weener? Change it today … (Is this like light bulbs? Can you go to the store and buy them in a four pack? How about generics?)
Works so good, you will poke your eye out … guarenteed. (Oh, I can imagine that’s everyone’s goal – poke that eye right out.)
Elvincockwalloping (Well, Elvin can go wallop his cock somewhere else.)
Reduce your debts the professional way. (I’d rather do it unprofessionally, thank you.)
Methodist watches. (Watches have religion? What does a Christian Scientists watch look like?)
Hello band saw. (Goodbye staple gun)

Jeanne

Otherwise known as Catslady - just let me know that her oldest cat Tabatha passed away today. I'm so sorry sweetie. I know that you gave her a lot of love and 17 is a very long time for a cat. Lots of hugs.

Why I Hate Valentine's Day

Or 101 ways to break my heart.



Happy Wednesday My Friends! Help Spread the word and save our children from the indignities of Valentine's Day.

There’s a group of us that are boycotting Valentine’s Day for various reasons. Some are doing so because of the crassness and commercialism that has taken over the day. Me, I’m doing it because truth be told, I hate Valentine’s Day. I think it was a holiday invented by happy people to kick lonely people in the gut a few times. It started with me in elementary school. I was one of those kids who sat in class and watched while all of the other kids received valentines. Then later, when teachers began to make the class give valentines to everyone in the class – I received some that said “Happy Valentine’s Day, you stink” and other less loving sayings. I don’t understand how the valentine company’s that make the packages for children would print such terrible ones, but they do. Later in high school it was Valentinegrams. These were purchased and filled out by the sender, then delivered to classrooms by people on the Valentine committee (I guess). I never received any of those either. Neither did I have a boyfriend during the Valentine season – I was always alone. Sometime in my 20s mom began giving me one long-stem rose for Valentine’s Day. Even in the grips of Alzheimer’s, she would still remember to have Bebo get my rose. Last year was the first time I didn’t receive one in 20 years. But still, it’s a bit pathetic when your mother is your only Valentine.

So, there will be no Valentine’s from me, no MySpace comments either. I’m boycotting.

Bubba Rocks

Deer blogsters, mi name is bubba an i am in charge. momma iz buzy on mycatspace an haz forgot to do her blog so i am doin it. i am a gud kitty an very hansome. i am also very smart. mommy watsht futbal all day an cride becuz it wuz teh last game ob teh seeson. me an aden played wit teh round ball ting an boobear hid unner teh bed cuz he iz so frade of evryting. me an aden tellz him not to be frade, but he no listen to uz. eben teh stoopid dawgz next door scared him an dey are outside. see how silly he iz? mommie iz movin an there are lotz of boxes around an we hab fun jumpin in an out ob dem. we kinda likz it widout neely shay around here cuz we can nowz getz to mommy. fore dat neely would chaze uz away cuz she wanted all ob mommies tenshun. Nows we no longer haz to be pushed away, we gotz mommie allz to ourselvez. dat is gud. momma gibs teh katz outside sum can fudz an she no givz dem to uz. dat not nice, iz it? momma shuld givz uz teh gud smelin fud, shoudnt she? i folos momma roundz teh house an to teh potz rum where she closd teh door an i yelled noes momma, noes closd door on bubba. let bubba in. an sometime she do. den i go round her feetz so she spank me, cuz i liked to be spanked. really. it gibs me tinglez.

Ahem.

oh hi momma. youz bak from mycatspace?

Yes, and I don’t think they want to hear about your spanking fetish. I’ll take over from here.

I think Bubba has pretty much filled you in on our day. A lot of fun in the Stewart household. I would have let him finish this, but, I wanted to break in and tell you that I just now heard that actor Roy Scheider (man in the middle)has died. Many of you will remember him from “Jaws” where he uttered that most famous line – “You’re gonna need a bigger boat”. He also received Oscar nominations for his work in “The French Connection” and “All That Jazz”.

He was 75.

Strawberry Spam Forever

More howls than you can shake a shiver at. (First off, what’s a shiver? And how do you shake it?)
HugoMonolithicBodypart (Really? And are you going to introduce me to Hugo?)
You really need it. (A hugo monolithic bodypart? Won’t Hugo miss it?)
Professional PRO (Aren’t all pros professional?)
PhallusMassiveAmelia (Amelia has a massive phallus? Does Ripley’s Believe it or Not know about this?)
The baby-maker grows and develops GRADUALLY, not over night! (Duh! It takes around 9 mos.)
And it was so. (So? So what?)
Aggressive traders alert. (Why? Is someone going to jump out of a dark alley and demand that I buy stock?)

My Favorite Super Bowl Commercial

It's not that its absolutely hysterical, it was the surprise of it that had me giggling my head off. And yeah, I kinda like the guy, but he can be so over the top that the idea of running him over sounds good. Of course, I won't remember what the commercial was advertising, and that's the problem with a lot of these Superbowl ads, the message gets lost in the search for the most stunning, funny commercial.

Neely Shae

Saturday Susie and I took Neely Shae to her new home - well, for a two-week trial period at her new home. Neely wasn't thrilled, in fact the poor baby peed in the carrier. That was a great introduction to Libby and her new home - a long trip and then immediately to a sink. Libby is going to re-name her Nelly. Nelly?! Neely Shae means princess of the fairy castle, or something like that, in gaelic. I chose it for its beauty in both sound and meaning. Nelly? That's what you call an old nag. Oh well, she's not mine anymore so I guess it won't matter. I do hope this works because I'm running out of options for her. The apartment will only allow 2 animals (the girls in the office are letting me sneak in a third), but a fourth - no way. I also don't want to cram 4 cats in a one bedroom apartment; 4 cats are getting too expensive in shots, food, litter. I've tried the rescue groups, but they declined because they consider 10 too old for adoption. If this doesn't work with Libby, there's a slight chance I could talk my vet into taking her and finding a home; if not, then its the needle for her - and that would tear me up. Leaving her there effected me more than I thought it would. I spent a good deal of Saturday night crying. But I'm better now.

We all know I write this stuff the night before, so I'm getting ready to watch the Superbowl. I'm touched by the reading of the Declaration of Independence by former and present football players/officials/coaches. Kinda brought a tear to my eyes. Who am I rooting for? As much as I hate to say it, I'm rooting for the Giants. I have my reasons:

1. I'd hate for anybody other than the Cowboys to have a perfect year.

2. I'm tired of hearing about how great the Patriots are, and how they're undefeatable.

3. The Giants represent the NFC and that's the division the Cowboys are in.

4. Tom Brady is too cute to be a quarterback.

5. I don't want the Patriots to win more Superbowls than the Cowboys.

6. I don't like Bill Bellichek (sp?)

Bebo and I spent most of the day (okay, not most but quite a bit) working on the study. And we're still not done. We both ended up beat. A lot of mother's stuff was there, a lot of stuff to shred.

That's it for now, see ya on Wednesday.

Spamsterday

Bigger baby-maker is not a dream anymore! (Yeah, I’ve always wanted to give birth to a 20lb. baby)
i adore show my great body (spam doesn’t have bodies)
It follows you to read it (Now that’s some book!)
FOR YOUR ATTENTION ONLY … (Everyone, turn your backs.)
Cockprominentdino (Dinosaurs had prominent cocks?)
You can have a 7 inches long Penis, how to archive? (Wrap it in acid free tissue.)
Please don’t forget Robbie’s anniversary party, tommorow. (I’m going to be busy with acid free tissue. And learn how to spell, will ya?)
Maxwellcockplumping (Good to the last drop)

Talking Cats

I've seen this before, but not in this particular way. The original is just these two cats meowing at each other, but this is cuter. Watch, you'll love it.

Just heard that mystery writer (and daughter of President Harry S. Truman) Margaret Truman has passed away at the age of 83. Mom loved her books, and Bebo liked a few of them too.

Oh, and our winds are really high (up to 50 mph gusts) and my internet is in and out. Sheesh.

Spam in the Sky With Diamonds

Auntie Anne’s Birthday celebration. (So, do you think she’d like a new schlong?)
Raise a monster in your pants. (Oooh, keep it caged, will ya.)
My back (It’s all because of that monster in your pants)
Reach out and bone someone. (Don’t you touch me with that thing)
Hey! Do you want to make huge money? (Put Viagara on it?)
Tomorrow we are invited to Ingemar’s birthday. (Sorry, I have to clip my toe nails)
Your new schlong will win more prizes! (Bobbing for apples?)
Fastest way to get out of debt. (Oh, believe me, if I had a big schlong I’d be making a lot of money.)

Heath Ledger

Stunned. That's the only way I can describe my reaction to the news of Heath Ledger's death at the age of 28. What a loss of a remarkable talent. It was in 1997 that Bebo and I first saw Heath in a short-lived TV series called Roar. For those of you unfamiliar with this show (and you really should have watched it) here is a montage from the series.



They say he was found surrounded by sleeping pills. I hope it was an accident, that he didn't mean to overdose. He had just finished filming his role of the Joker in the new Batman movie. I feel sorry for his little girl.


In other news, I have an apartment. A cute little 1 bedroom with a fireplace! I've always wanted a fireplace. I move the weekend of March 15th.

Monday, 'nuff said

Glitter Graphics & Comments


I made a mistake tonight. I went back and read all of the entries on my old Alzheimer's blog. I thought I could do it, you know it's been a year. I thought I could step back and read it dispassionately. That's what I get for thinking. I bawled like a baby. Why did I do it, you might ask. I received an email from someone who had come across the blog and who was looking for some answers. She is now the caregiver for her mother. I said what I could, then went back and read the blog. Just shoot me now.

I spent most of the day culling my books. I have two built-in bookshelves which I obviously can't take with me, so I needed to get rid of some books. Four boxes and two bags later, I'm done. No, the Shalvis Shrine was not touched. There is only one thing that would make me touch that - if Mrs. Hugh Jackman were to come over and say "I'll give you my husband for your Jill Shalvis books" I might have to think about it - long and hard. I love you Jill ... Oh, and there were also all those books I brought back from RWA intending to give them away on the blog. Then I realized I didn't have the money for postage ...

Did you know Bubba farts when I pick him up? Why did I tell you that - because everyone should be warned.

No YouTube today - thought I'd spare you.

Have a great Monday everyone.

The Long and Writing Spam

Just wanted to say hi. (Now you’ve done it, leave me alone.)
Oh my goodness … your penis is BELOW average size! (It’s supposed to be … I’m a woman.)
Gradually your dick will grow larger! (Lie, lie, lie Pinocchio)
Oh my God!!! Lovely imagination! (Thanks, I try. But compliments aren’t going to make you more welcome here.)
Gain great size and force for your willy! (Could I fight off burglars with it?)
… and keep it. (If I had a willy, you can be sure I’ll keep it.)
Your neighbors have lost their alarm clock. (Don’t look at me.)
Look what I have found!! (What are you doing in my backyard?)
The most beautiful timepieces. (Shhhhh, don’t let the neighbors find out.)

Go Speed Racer

This is for Tori. Racer X from the old Speed Racer series.



I *heart* YouTube.

I've started doing a little packing, mostly weeding out of books since I can't take them all with me. Don't worry, the Shalvis Shrine will be untouched. Anyway, the books I'm packing up now will go to Half-Price books because they'll give me some cash for them, and I need that.

American Idol starts tonight (since everybody knows I'm writin this on Tuesday night) and I can't wait. I love the audition parts. But I have a problem for Wednesday night - it's up opposite Ghost Hunters International, so I'll have to tape GHI. I hate that, espcially since there's nothing I watch on Saturday nights.

Received my order from Amazon and I can't wait to get to it, but I still have a stack on the table next to my big ol' chair that I need to work on first.

That's it for me. I hope everyone has a great Wednesday. And yes, Spam will be back on Friday.

Race Bannon

Since Tanya couldn't remember Race Bannon from the old cartoon Jonny Quest (I'm talking '67 here people, not the newer version), here's a little reminder. Talk about your Alpha male. This is actually more Bebo's lustbunny than mine.




Also, I've written another review on Isn't It Romantic. Go and look.

Not much to report on. The Cowboys lost *screamiing* so we're out of the playoffs. But they did what I really wished for - that they improve from last season, and they did. They won the NFC East division. Next year guys. Next year.

Just a Friday

I'll be back next week, honest. If you're wondering what's going on (like you haven't been by this week) then go here. Otherwise, enjoy Hugh as host at the Tony Awards. Have a great weekend.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, read the blog below. A few answers about "The situation" - mom's will left the house to us equally. My brother(the executor) says the estate can no longer pay the insurance or house taxes, neither can I. My brother gave me $100 a month while taking care of mom - there was nothing else he could do from Missouri. The estate gave me $7,000 when mom died. I am mad, but at the same time a little resigned. I may have found a home for Neely Shae. Another answer - I can't afford four cats, nor would I take four of them to a one bedroom apartment. There's a small part of me that's kind of relieved. No more watching the house fall down around me, no more worrying about who's going to mow the lawn, etc.

Anyway, while I've been contemplating everything, I've discovered YouTube. So here's something else to look at.

My World has fallen apart

I don’t know what to say. Some of you have been aware of my situation with the house, others won’t know what I’m talking about, but I’m too devastated to go into it. My brother informed me tonight that I have until the end of February or March to vacate the premises. I don’t have a full-time job, so no means of support. I have to get rid of one of the cats. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t feel like blogging right now, so will be gone for a few days. I hope you understand.

I Love You Spam, Spam, Spam

In your account in less than an hour. (Should be plenty of room, there’s not much else in it.)
Separate yourself from other men. (What’s the fun in that?)
I like that they found a model who doesn’t quite look natural in the face. (Are you talking to me?)
Big rod will win you a perfect sexual reputation! (I’d settle for an imperfect one.)
This is NOT a trial – you’ve been waiting for this all year. (Hugh?)
Quick way to enlarge your ding dong. (I don’t have a ding dong!)
… and keep it. (well, now that you mention it, if I did have a ding dong, I’d like to keep it.)
Don’t let your dream mate pass you by. (He will if he sees my ding dong.)

Surprise

Surprise, it's me. I was just messing around blogspace and found a couple of quizzes I liked.

You Belong in Dublin

Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions. You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town.

What European City Do You Belong In?

Didn't I always say I wanted to go to Ireland?

You Are 34% Bitchy

You're a pretty sweet person, and you're definitely not prone to bitchy outbursts. Sometimes, though, you can't help thinking mean thoughts about people. But at least you don't act on them!

How Bitchy Are You?

Well, unless I'm PMSing.

You Passed 8th Grade US History

Congratulations, you got 6/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade History?

I'd better, afterall that degree IS in history. But I want to know which ones I missed.

Your Linguistic Profile:

50% General American English 25% Dixie 10% Yankee 5% Midwestern 0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

But I'm a midwesterner raised in Dixie? And what's General American English?

Oh, and Happy Birthday Lis!

Books, Books, Books

I was blessed with an overabundance of book gift certificates this holiday season. Everyone knows that I don’t have money to buy books, so they took pity upon me. LOL
Anyway, a co-worker gave me a GC to Walmart, where I bought three Blazes:

One Wild Wedding Night by Leslie Kelly
My Guilty Pleasure by Jamie Denton
A Blazing Little Christmas by Jacquie D’Alessandro, Joanne Rock and Kathleen O’Reilly

Then I won a GC for Amazon.com (waving at Ames) and my cousin also sent me one:

The Ex-Girlfriends Club by Rhonda Nelson
Kidnapped by Jo Leigh
Feeling the Heat by Rhonda Nelson
The Black Sheep and the Princess (Unholy Trinity, Book 1) by Donna Kauffman
Built by someone named Ames
Sexy Devil by Sasha White

Someone else sent me a GC to Barnes and Noble (waving at Olga). The B. Dalton at the mall is going out of business and everything was 50% off, and since they are owned by B&N I was able to use the card there:

‘Scuse Me While I Kill This Guy by Leslie Langtry
Sex and the Psychic Witch by Annette Blair
C.J.’s Fate by Kay Hooper (a reprint of her first Loveswept)
Born to be Wilde by Janelle Denison
Double Dating With the Dead by Karen Kelley

I also won a GC to Borders (waving at Dennie) which I used to buy my 2008 Date Book, I really rely on these things.

But I still have 3 GC to Borders left (waving at Bebo and my sister). One is for the new Kay Hooper book, Blood Dreams, which comes out this month. The second for Small Favors (The Dresden Files, Book 10) which comes out April. The third – for whatever comes up.

So, what’s on your TBR pile?

Cats New Years Resolutions

But before I get to that, this is for Ames, because she's been so desperate for them:

Cats New Years Resolutions (I didn't write them, Bebo emailed them to me)

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and
Throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of
Roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then
Pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get
The stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the
Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to
Sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I
Forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch
In my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is
Something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human
Has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to
Bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will
Really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt
To catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family
Room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are
*not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after
My human has watched a horror movie.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and
Growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the
Top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and
Stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important
Adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way that the
Scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn't as tasty.

Auld Lang Spam

Are he industry. (Now why can’t I find a job in that industry?)
The most beautiful timepieces. (Thank you. Let me just get that piece of dirt off them.)
We have it all! (Well not quite all. Some are still buried in the backyard.)
Oh my goodness … your penis is BELOW average size. (That’s because I’m a woman you idiot)
Boyfriend left you for some circus midget named “Thumb”. (It’s only because I gave him the finger.)
Get super-size for your willy on New Year Holiday! (Can I have fries with that?)
Allow your stem elongate and get more mighty in 2008! (If my stem elongates, you can bet I’ll be more mighty.)
With your new big rod you will easily spend 365 hot nights in a new year! (Oh damn, I hate the heat.)
Want to be a pornstar, now you can! (Oh yeah, that’s always been a lifelong ambition.)
Obtain a huge schlong for a new year! (You know, it’s the time to make new goals for yourself …)

Post about nothing

A couple of hours ago I realized that I needed to write a blog for tomorrow. It’s now 8:30 p.m. and I still don’t know what to say. So call this the post about nothing. I had a good day today. The only blemish was a visit from a beloved cousin who had only stopped by to drop off my birthday present and ended up spending the entire day and eating dinner with Bebo and me. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my cousin Janet very much, I often call her “mom” (she’s much older than I and has children my age), but she can be rather insensitive at times. On the day that I miss my mother the most, she chose to tell me all about our aunt who she thinks has Alzheimer’s and could I give her some tips on how to handle her, what to do with her, who can take care of her (which I very promptly said “not me, I’ve gone through that once already”). I didn’t need to be reminded of my mother so much, especially today. She also gave me a 3-piece microwavable spa set. Huh? What am I going to do with that? Talk about white elephants … although for my birthday she gave me this gorgeous sofa pillow with St. Nicholas on it. It will go well with my collection and is the perfect color. It’s also a present for the cats as it has tassels on it.

My sister gave me the complete first (and only) season of the Dresden Files! Yay!!!!! Bebo gave me Borders gift cards for both my birthday and Christmas presents. More yays. Let’s see – Brandy sent me this cute little box of candy. Thanks sweetie. My brother didn’t send me anything, not even a card. I suppose he considers calling me up and singing the Merry Birthday song was enough. Not. I sent him an ecard for his birthday AND called him. Men.

Oh, and I started the day by going out to the nursing home to see my sister. See, I’m being a good girl. (For those of you who are fairly new to the blog, I don’t get along with my sister – she thinks we do …)

See, look, you made it this far without barfing, so I guess its not that bad. So now I’m sitting here watching The Christmas Shoes for like the third time this season (it wasn’t what the TV guide said would be on), I’m too lazy to put this laptop down and find the remote.

Oh, and now my cousin wants to be included when Bebo and I go out! She wants to make it a threesome. Every once in a while yes, but not on a regular basis – please, not on a regular basis.

So here it is, my blog about nothing. At least there’s spam for Friday, right?

What did you get for Christmas?

btw - I bought Bebo "The Gift of the Magi" for Christmas. Thanks Devon!

Where are you Christmas

Where are you Christmas?
Why can't I find you?
Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me?
Why can't I hear music play?
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too?
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh
If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time
I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here in silence
Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you
Christmas
Fills your heart with love

From How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I don't know who wrote it.

Merry Christmas

I have a lot of memories of Christmas, most of them from my adult years. Oh, don’t get me wrong – I do remember Christmas as a child, but they’re mostly a blur, one meshing in with another until they become one long string of Christmases. No, I mean my memories of Christmas are much clearer after I became an adult. I no longer woke up before the break of dawn to rush my parents out of bed, but rather lay in my own, listening to the sounds of the house waking up, my parents whispering in the dining room, the smell of coffee. I’d join them, mother would wish me happy birthday, and we would read the paper quietly together. It wasn’t the same every Christmas; it depended upon whether the others (my sister, brothers and families) were coming in for Christmas breakfast or dinner. If it were breakfast, then the morning was a rush of orange juice cans, egg shells and coffee grounds. If dinner – well the smells of ham baking, or pies, or bread, the oven constantly going; the bustle of activity, last minute cleaning before the group arrived. Then I’d play Santa, sitting under the tree handing out presents, my own set aside. Watching the kids open their gifts – there’s no magic in the world that can compare. And then the dinner where there was more food than any one family could possibly eat. Turkey, ham, yams, potatoes, salads of every variety and color, desserts galore; stories and games, laughter and more eating. And love. A lot of love.

That’s my wish for you this Christmas – family, laughter, memories - but most of all, love.

It's a Wonderful Spam

Make all girls look at your stick with admiration. (From mighty oaks …)
Watch this stock TOMMORROW! (OKAY!)
Massive PE patch sale. (Will this get me out of gym?)
Print Grocery Coupons for your Holiday Meals. (I’d rather have food, thank you.)
Christmas 944396. (A space odyssey)
Grab yourself a present that just keeps on giving. (STD’s?)
Massive holiday discounts for massive rods! (Oh yeah, I’ve seen those at WalMart, in the penis section.)
Mar.Christ.Watches. (Jesus wore a watch?)
Perfect Christmas gift for your loved one is a bigger PE! (damn, I got Bebo a chia pet instead.)
Watch your fantasy lineup with a HDTV from Best Buy. (Hugh Jackman, George Clooney, James Denton, Alex O’Loughlin, Orlando Bloom …)
Wanna pass an unforgettable night? (Only if I can have my fantasy lineup.)
Real holiday miracle is waiting for your little willy! (The real holiday miracle is the Virgin birth – little willy had a long wait.)

Blue Christmas

I was having a so-so day, not good nor bad. Then I made the mistake of answering the phone when one of the credit card companies called. I've been ignoring their phone calls, but for some masochistic reason I answered this one. Big mistake. Now I'm in major depression mode. This guy was real aggressive, but in that patronizing way. "Couldn't you get a second job?" Um, if I could have I would have. "Do you have something you can sell to make a payment?" Well, there are the cats. I sit in the dark, the room lit only by the TV and Christmas tree. I sit in 40 degree weather without the furnace on. If I sell something it would be to pay the electric bill, not a credit card. "You have to get your priorities in order." You think? My Sears card is not my priority. Maybe I should just give up eating.

I'm late with my Christmas cards. They're ecards because I couldn't afford to buy cards. My ecard account is set up in my real name, so if you receive something from Bluemountain.com, it'll be from me. It isn't spam.

Sorry this isn't the greatest post in the world, but it's all I have to give at the moment. Y'all have a great Wednesday.

Cats 4, Tree 0

Bebo Ain't Gettin' Nuthin' for Christmas ...

‘Cuz Bailey is mad.

Bebo told me there was only one thing she wanted for Christmas – the new Harry Potter movie. I’ve spent a month or so trying to figure out how I was going to come up with the money to buy it. Friday night my boss called and wanted to know if I’d work an entire shift on Saturday (instead of my half day) and I said yes. $25 dollars. Just what I needed to buy her gift. I worked the entire day and came home one tired puppy. Bebo wanted me to call her, so I did. We talked and then she quietly said “I bought myself something today.”
“What?” I replied.
Hesitation. “The new Harry Potter movie”.
It was so quiet on my side that you could hear a cat’s whisker hit the floor. “Why?” I said through gritted teeth.
“I thought it would be the only way I’d get it”.
Wrong!!!!!!!! “I was going to buy that for you. Now what am I going to do?”
Silence on her side. “Well you’ve done that before. Buy something you wanted before Christmas.”
Not a good enough answer. You see, I always give people plenty of options for my gift, so if I happen to buy one of them, at least there would be other things they could get me. And I never did it this close to Christmas. She only wanted one thing. ONE THING! So just as the song goes “Bebo ain’t gettin’ nutin’ for Christmas.”

The Cowboys lost. That’s all I’m going to say on the matter.

Heard tonight that Dan Fogelberg has died of prostate cancer. He was 56. For those of you who have no idea who I’m talking about – as you listen to your radio play Christmas music and you hear the song “Same Old Lang Syne” (in which a man reminisces after meeting an old girlfriend by chance during the holidays) – that’s Dan Fogelberg. He also sang “Leader of the Band”.

I hope everyone has a great Monday. And remember, if it’s a week before Christmas, don’t buy anything for yourself.

Cats 3, Tree 0

Santa Spam is Coming to Town

Don’t envy well-hung guys. (Envy? No. Lust? Yes)
Make it longer and more powerful with our pills! (What do you do, add them to the end?)
750 dollars free only for you! (Everybody else has to pay for it.)
Self-pity is not for you! Fight for your male perfection! (Okay Mrs. Jackman, put up your dukes.)
To whom it may concern. (Sincerely yours)
An awesome sex toy for men! (Why thank you)
Looking for really effective non-surgery penis enlargement method? (no)
Turn your trouser mouse into a monster schlong in 2008! (well, if you’re gonna put it that way …)
Cup thoroughly. (Always.)

We're Baaaaack

For the uninitiated, these are the voices in my head. Be afraid, be very afraid.

What’s that?

It’s a cat. They’re all over the place.

I haven’t seen that much fur since Robin Williams.

You’re disgusting.

Thanks.

That wasn’t a compliment.

It wasn’t?

It’s nice to be back.

Where have we been?

I don’t know about you but I’ve been in the Bahamas.

And you picked now to come back?

Why?

It’s, like, 40 degrees out there.

Thank you, I hadn’t noticed.

It’s a little hard …

I was being facetious.

I’m Swedish.

Facetious isn’t a thing, it’s a … oh, never mind.

Although my mother’s family was Irish.

Do I look like I care?

How can I tell? We don’t have faces.

That was just an expression.

An expression of what?

Of my undying love and gratitude.

Oh thank … you’re being that thing again, aren’t you?

Facetious? How could you tell?

You should be nicer to me.

Why ever for?

It’s the Christmas season.

And?

Love and joy to your fellow man.

You’re right. I’m sorry. Merry Christmas Ern.

Merry Christmas Bud.

I want a Hippopatamus for Christmas ...

... because it couldn’t do much more damage to the tree than the cats have. It finally happened. One of the cats (read that to be Aidan or BooBear because the others were in the bedroom with me) knocked over the Christmas tree. Yes, you read that right. My seven foot tree hit the floor. Nothing damaged, thank goodness, just a little skewed. I only had to re-string the red and green beads. I’m not sure how they did it. I have boxes under the tree for decoration so they couldn’t have crawled under it. I’m assuming they crawled onto the boxes on the side of the tree and tried to crawl in it. I knew it was bound to happen.

Winter has finally arrived in North Texas. I wasn’t sure it ever would get here. Friday’s temp was 84 (we broke a record), but today it didn’t even make it to 50. It’ll be in the 40s for the next couple of days. Drizzly. I wouldn’t be surprised if we get some ice.

The Cowboys nearly gave me a heart attack on Sunday. They were behind for most of the game, got within a yard of a game winning touchdown (might I say there wasn’t a lot of time left on the clock) and they lost the ball. LOST IT!!! At the goal line. The Lions got the ball and went down the field, eating up time on the clock. Finally, the ‘boys got it back, Romo threw a long pass and TOUCHDOWN. They won the game 28 – 27. 1 point. But they clinched the division – playoffs here we come.

We all know we procrastinate. Some more so than others. But what if you could procrastinate AND do good for the world? At freerice.com they have a vocabulary game where for every word you get right, they donate 20 grains of rice to the United Nations. I’ve already donated several thousands. Christa told me about the site and it’s fun/addictive.

Hope y’all have a great Monday.

Frosty the Snowspam

Finally the solution to reduce your debt. ( You have a million dollars?)
Are you cold in the Winter and hot in the Summer? (Normally.)
Your bigger dick will be your best friend now! (Um, has anyone told Bebo?)
High paid positions with us. (What positions?)
Are you dreaming about big penis? (I was dreaming of a white Christmas, but now that you mention it …)
Your neighbors have lost their alarm clock. (Can’t they glue it down?)
At your doorstep. (Not there now.)
Be happy with it! (I don’t have their freakin’ alarm clock)

Winter Wonderland ... Not!

Cat Marsters/Kate Johnson is doing a really great thing over at her blog. Please go over and check it out.

Seamas is a shithead. (You know Bubba is in trouble when I call him by his proper name.) He keeps going over to the tree and pulling at the lights. While I’m sitting here. Like I don’t exist. I’ve yelled at him three times already. Now he’s coming over to me to try to kiss up. Good luck.

North Texas can’t decide what the temperature ought to be. Monday it didn’t leave the 40s and Tuesday it was almost 70. It’ll be near the 70s most of the week. I wasn’t sure how to dress for work Tuesday morning since we started out in the 30s.

I’ve been on a Christmas movie kick on the weekends. One of the channels is showing back-to-back tacky made for TV movies and I’ve been inhaling them, no matter how stupid they are. I just finished The Shalvis’ “The Trouble With Paradise” (and will be reviewing it soon) and I’m not sure what I’ll start on next. What are you reading?

Silent Night

As I sit here looking at the tree, I can’t help but laugh. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a beautiful tree – from the knees up it’s full of ornaments and lights; but from the knees down, well, it’s bare. There are strands of lights which have already been pulled askew, but not an ornament in sight. I’m many things, but stupid is not one of them. I have cats. Four of them. I like my ornaments, thank you. Many of them are Hallmark (insert copyright symbol here) mischievous kittens series, some “It’s a Wonderful Life”, and a couple of Thomas Kinkaid lovelies. Each one is precious to me, some more than others, and I’m not about to expose them to the destructive claws of my furbabies. I love them too, but short of using furry handcuffs (on them, not me), there’s not much I can do about it. They rarely do it in front of me but rather wait until the middle of the night to wreak their hairball havoc. I have an artificial tree and the limbs pull out easily to be happily strewn across the floor where I step on them in the morning. And they hurt. Like hell. Aidan is the most blatant offender, followed quite happily if not clumsily by Bubba. But then Aidan will eat anything: silk flowers, garbage bags, plants, etc. so what’s an artificial Christmas tree or two? Ribbons and bows on presents? That went out with the cavecat. They don’t bother the wrapping paper, no fun in that. But Neely Shae loves tags and ribbons, my own personal shredder. BooBear is the only one who seems to leave the tree alone, with only a sniff or two. But I know better, he’s a cat. And he has plans for that tree.

Just so You'll Know

I stole this from Ames, who stole it from ... oh never mind.

Get a Cash Advance

A Night in the Stewart Household

The house was quiet as I sat huddled in my big ol’ chair reading my latest favorite Shalvis book, The Trouble With Paradise. Giggling, entranced by the words before me I barely registered you sliding up beside me until your tongue slicked into my ear.

“Stop that” I said, pushing you away.

Again your tongue flicked across my lobe.

“Not now, I’m reading” I pushed as I shuddered from the wetness.

I could feel your eyes boring through the book, but I ignored you and soon became immersed once again. You were silent and I forgot your presence. You left me to my book and I settled into the silence of the house and the pleasure of the story. Then a sound caught me and I looked up and slammed the book down.

“Aidan! Quit eating the tree!” I shouted across the room. As usual, you ignored me and continued nibbling on the branch, a hairs breath away from my favorite cat ornament.

“Aidan!” I half rose from my seat and you swung around, fluffy tail held high, slid against the wall and on down the hall.

I picked up the book, settled back down into the chair and began to read again. But I knew you’d be back, fluffy tail, tongue and all.

Jingle Spam

Don’t be shy to order. (Oh, I’m never shy about ordering.)
Skorsky. (And Hutch)
Hot sex with Viagra pills. (I’d rather have sex with Hugh Jackman, thank you.)
Please be informed that you should be extremely careful choosing your penis. (I’m always careful choosing my penis … )
Have hot sex now. (Right this minute?)
Toni tried this and is hoping you will be interested. (She did not! Stop that!)
Men think with their pants, not their heads. (No, they think with the head they have in their pants, not the pants themselves. Sheesh)
Your penis will be so big she will take it for the bridge over the river. (To grandmother’s house we go …)
She will necessarily say: “Such big!” (Oooh la la)

Procrastinating

I got 1685 on Christmas Hangman!!!!!

Free Thinking

That’s Bubba with his “Who, me?” look on his face. It’s been a while since I’ve posted a picture of one of my cats and this is one of my favorites.

So I sit here tonight waiting for Dancing With the Stars to come on and what do I find while channel surfing? It’s a Charlie Brown Christmas! Even though I have it on DVD, I’m still watching it, commercials and all. It’s what I call “found treasure”. You know, you’re channel surfing and come across something that you love and didn’t know was on?

BooBear is cuddled up against me, his favorite position. He’s been getting under the blanket and yesterday he did something that he’s never done in his whole 2 years. He got on my lap. Yep, crawled up there and settled himself in under the blanket. I was afraid to move because I know that my skittish baby would run off. The phone rang, which scared him away, but wouldn’t you know it – he got right back up there. I was amazed. BooBear was brought into the house at the age of around 4 months (he was part of the feral group outside), and because he had ringworm, he spent the next month in a cage, so he was almost 6 months old before he was held and cuddled. He doesn’t like to be picked up and carried and he cuddles on his own terms. He’s afraid of almost everything.

I’m reading The Trouble With Paradise by The Shalvis. Reading, reviewing … can actual writing be far behind? It’s been so long since I’ve written.

That’s it for this Tuesday night, and all the random thoughts I can come up with. Hope your Wednesday is a good one.

Baby It's Cold Outside

It’s cold outside. Honest. I know it’s not cold compared to my compadres up North, but highs in the lower 40s are still cold nonetheless. And I’m trying to keep my bills down, so I’m sitting here with an electric blanket over me and my little heater running. If you go stand next to the heater, it’s 50 degrees. But only if you stand next to it. I’ve also become the most popular mom in the world. The cats love the electric blanket, to the point that they often trap me in it. That has an unusual side-effect. They get me tucked in and then I’m like the little kid that you just got the snowsuit on and then they suddenly have to go potty. Yep. You try moving four cats off of you. Without using your hands. Bound in a blanket trying to cajole four contented cats to move off of the warm covering. Not that easy to do.

Christa has gotten me hooked on a new pastime. It’s called Christmas Hangmen. Originally Halloween Hangman, and then Thanksgiving Hangman. It’s like Lays chips, I can’t stop at one. Even when I learn all of the words and can get 1500 and so points, I can’t stop playing. Now they’ve switched to Christmas and I have a whole new set of words to learn. I rarely get up to 500 points now. But I’ll keep at it until I learn those damn words if it kills me. If you want to play, go here.

There’s also a new review at Isn’t it Romantic. Go check it out.

Leftover Spam

Your neighbors have lost their alarm clock. (Second verse, same as the first …)
We have something for you. (If it’s an alarm clock, don’t tell the neighbors.)
Noizuded (Bless you.)
Thank you, we are accepting your debt request. (I did not request to be in debt!)
Tspell (Wanna try that again?)
Vicky tried this and is hoping you will be interested. (Vicky did not!)
Have penis like a tower and you will have the power. (The Eiffel Tower?)
You have got to take a peek at this item. (No I don’t.)
Show this to the kids. (Isn’t there a law against that?)
With a big penis you can beat up all the other men. (Honest Officer, I was struck by a giant penis …)

Boomer News

It’s a sad week for us American Baby Boomers. One of our commercial icons passed away. Dick Wilson died at the age of 91. Who’s Dick Wilson you say? For close to twenty years he portrayed George Whipple in the old Charmin commercials and uttered one of the best loved lines for a generation. “Ladies, please don’t squeeze the Charmin” became a part of Americana and was used in idle conversation and satirical comedy sketches. Goodbye Mr. Whipple, goodbye.

I was also hit smack in the face with my own mortality. I received an email informing me that a high school classmate had passed away. Even though this isn’t the first one, it still makes me stop in my tracks and think – we’re all getting older.

Also, since I’m not blogging on Thursday, I want to wish all who celebrate a Happy Thanksgiving. As we gather with friends and family, its important to give thanks for what we have and I give thanks for my blog friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin. Thank you.

Everyone, have a great Thanksgiving.

And Happy Birthday Bebo!

I need a little privacy, please.

Once, just once, I’d like to go to the bathroom on my own. The master bath is about the size of a closet and once you get me, Bubba, Neely Shae, Aidan and BooBear in there, it’s a pretty tight squeeze. Shut the door? Nope, the house has shifted and the door doesn’t shut all the way and Bubba has a way with his paws. “Pop” the door opens and they file in one by one. Then they fight over who gets to sit on momma’s feet. Use the main bathroom? Yeah, I could do that. The door shuts. But then Bubba (you notice it’s always him?) meows and pounds on the door like he’s going to crash in. I’m sure the noise can be heard next door. Nope, gotta let the little beasts in. Try brushing your teeth with cats surrounding the sink, blocking your access. One of these days I’ll just have them brush my teeth for me. And speaking of Bubba, try pulling your pants up with him in them. I know, TMI, but I don’t care. Once, just once, I’d like to get out of the shower without having to wipe my feet quickly and shove them into slippers before I do anything else. Why? Because Bubba (yeah, him again) likes to lick my toes and bite them. Told you he was weird. It’s okay if he licks the water on my legs, but those toes are too much of a temptation for him.

Bebo and I got the living room ready for winter this morning. I have to keep my furnace off as much as possible, so we had to make a spot for my space heater, PLUS the way the room was before made it practically impossible to watch the T.V. even with glasses! So it’s all ready. Right now we’re up in the upper 70s and lower 80s at least until Wednesday. Then a cold front comes in and on Turkey day it may not make it out of the 50s. With wood floors it can be quite cool in here. I’ll turn on the heater, snuggle in my big chair with a blanket and enjoy the Cowboy game. They won today and are 9 – 1! I can’t believe they’ve only lost one game!

I’ve filled in for a co-worker, so I’ve been in the store 3 ½ days – Saturday afternoon I began sneezing. My allergies can’t handle being in the store that much. I have to work again this Friday, but thankfully we’re closed Thursday so maybe it won’t be that bad.

Question: If you could go back and re-live one half-hour of your life (not change anything) what half-hour would you choose? I’d choose one from 1998 before my dad got bad and Alzheimer’s took over mom’s life. Just to spend a half-hour with my parent’s again.

Bleak Spam

Change your baby banana to a large banana. (Now quit monkeying around.)
Attract and meet your dream mate tonight. (Oh Hugh!)
Win real money. (As opposed to Monopoly money?)
Now you can even parade your penis. (Has anybody told Macy’s this?)
I’m so stupid, but they even call me dummy! (If the name fits …)
Now your penis will be too big to be covered by your hat. (You know, I haven’t seen a lot of men walking around with hats covering their penises.)
It’s true. (I really doubt that.)
Who will know? (Hat makers?)
From now on small breasts will never be the cause of your embarrassment. (Not if I have a penis too big to be covered by my hat.)

Cats

Got this from Christa:

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year Eve Party. We turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat, we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...

Reading, Reviewing and Eating, Oh My

It feels good to review again. It feels good to be reading again. Please do check out my review of Loreth Anne White’s “Seducing the Mercenary” on Isn’t It Romantic. I absolutely loved this book. And if you haven’t read the other books in the Shadow Soldiers series – Why haven’t you? And if I’m reading again, can writing be far behind?

As most of you know, I have lost 30 lbs. But for some reason I have developed a deep craving for chocolate. Bebo will tell you that I’m not a big chocolate eater, nor do I crave chocolate. But I want it, and I want it now. Don’t get in my way. So I have fallen in love. Hershey’s Hugs. If you’ve had these, well, need I say more? And if you haven’t – Why haven’t you?

Jason Evans is having another short fiction contest called Restless Dawn. If you're interested, hop on over there - Jason's contests are always fun and draws some really great entries. Even if you don't want to enter, go over there and read the entries.

Gone With the Spam

Nobody will know about your problems. (Especially if I don’t tell you.)
Are you free? (No, I’m very expensive.)
Your date is here. (Oh Hugh!)
Watch him dance. (I’ve seen him dance, he’s quite good.)
My name is. Can I ask you? (No. And I’m not telling you my problems either.)
Stick to your date. (What are you going to use, super glue?)
What do you reckon about this, Maggie would know. (Who the hell is Maggie?)
Your penis can be so big your friends could play football on it. (Now wait a minute, is that American or English football?)


Update: For some reason I can't access Bailey's email, so if you need to email me you'll have to use the old email address. If you don't have it .... well .... hmmmm.

Funny Ads

These are advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country (or so we are led to believe)
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
- For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
- Great Dames for sale.
- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
- If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

It's Me

Sunday’s movie: Transformers (4 stars)

For months I thought I had a problem reading. I’ve been reading Sasha White’s “Lush” on the computer, and although I’ve been enjoying it (especially the second story), I keep having problems finishing it. Then Loreth Anne White’s “Seducing the Mercenary” came in the mail Friday and I’m almost half-way through it. What’s the difference? One is on the computer, the other in my hands. I wasn’t having a problem reading, I was having a problem with ebooks. I thought that buying the laptop would help me with this problem, but when I get on the computer I want to play games, IM, etc. – everything except read. So I apologize to Sasha, who was hoping for a review. I should have bought the book when I saw it in the store. I’m just not an ebook reader, I have to come to terms with that. I don’t think, even for the Shalvis, that I’m going to be able to read anything longer than a short story on the computer. And now that I’m on book restriction (I can’t buy any books at all), that’s going to really hurt.

The Hunchback of Notre Spam

You can fall into a room full of penises. (Date and time please.)
Too much fun. (You’re telling me?)
Every bit as fun as the real ones. (You mean they’re not real? Damn.)
Born again penises. (Born again? I never had one in the first place.)
Anything else? (I wasn’t born with wealthy parents either.)
SOLD OUT- limited offer – do you want Rolex? (If you’re sold out, how can you have a limited offer?)
Why settle for what you have? (Because I already have it?)
Remember youth? (Vaguely.)

Pet Lovers Manifesto

I've seen some of these before, but it's worth repeating. Happy Halloween!

- When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
- The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
- Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
- Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
- It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

Strange Day

Had a very pleasant Sunday. My mother’s sister Alice came in and she, Bebo and I had a nice lunch. I hadn’t seen my Aunt Alice since January, so it was wonderful to catch up with her, but at the same time it was kind of sad. She and mother were best friends, and she was married to my favorite uncle who we lost in January. It was … different. There’d been many potluck dinners in this house over the years, but never with just three people. It’ll take some getting used to. Cowboys didn’t play today, so no football to write about, so I guess this is it.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Spam

Trust our wonder-medicine and your penis will surprise you. (Surprise will be putting it mildly.)
Congratulations, you have been chosen to enjoy. (Enjoy what? Or am I to be enjoyed? Calling Hugh Jackman!)
Funny isn’t it? (I don’t think it’s funny.)
I’ve never laughed so hard! (You think it would be funny that Hugh Jackman might enjoy me?)
No offense. (No offense taken.)
Still upset about it? (I just consider the source.)
Get bigger and larger errections quickly. (By adding an “r”?)
Thank you for your time. (Don’t mention it. I mean it, please don’t mention it.)

A Woman's Ass

From Susan:

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting:
25% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

Bebo

October has been a tough month for my family. Both of my parents died in October. Saturday night, Bebo’s father passed away. We hate October. He’d been in hospice for a couple of weeks and his body finally gave out. So now Bebo has been through this hospice thing three times. Even though they were her in-laws, she took good care of my parents while they were in hospice. Death was not what she wanted to become an expert of. Please say a little prayer for her.

Ethan Spam

Hey you. (What?)
Your life. (What about it?)
Go nightmare. (Says who?)
Be strong, don’t worry. (I’m getting advice from spam?)
I’ll never let you down. (Great, spam Dear Abby.)
Drink it, forget it! (That’s the best advice you have?)
You’ll thank me later. (I doubt it.)
I appreciate you, friend. (Gee, how sickly sweet.)

Bath Tub Test

Got this from Bebo:

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"

It's Been a Year

Sunday has been a difficult day, the first anniversary of my mother’s death. Bebo and I went out to the cemetery this morning, but then she had a family thing she had to attend so I spent the day alone. Mother has constantly been on my mind, flashbacks to her last day. I would have thought that after a year the ache would ease, but it hasn’t. My mother was so much a part of my life, my support in times of need. We were very close. Now I start my second year without her and I can only hope that it’s better than the last. Thanks for putting up with my bit of self-pity, you are true friends.

The Old Man and the Spam

You’ll love this. (What now?)
With the help of our system you could become the man that you have always wanted. (I could become Hugh Jackman?)
Don’t understand why. (Because Hugh Jackman is “the man”.)
You will get noticed. (I believe it.)
October 78% off. (You can do that?)
It’s Kelly here, we should catch up sometime. (I know, I’ve been a bad blogster.)
Need to buy medications but don’t know where? (Um, try a drugstore.)
This is unbelievable! (They’ve been around for a while.)

Wednesday Jokes

These are from Susan:

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning." They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."


Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Manhattens.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station.We'll never forget you.'


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices as a beautiful blonde woman waves at him and says hello. He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

It's Monday

On Sunday Bebo and I watched Room 1408 and Fantastic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer. Both were good movies. If you like Stephen King you’ll enjoy Room 1408 and of course FF was full of great action.

On a sad note, one year ago today we put mom in hospice. It doesn’t seem like it’s been a year – she died on the 14th. I still miss her so much.

Spam and Sensibility

Great to be back. (yeah, a week without spam is a … week without spam.)
You okay now? (Feeling lots better, thank you.)
What can we offer you? (A million bucks would make me feel a whole lot better.)
You’ve received a postcard from a neighbor. (Are they looking for their alarm clocks?)
Pay attention, this one is moving. (Not after I bury it.)
If you do not tell, I will not. (Promise.)
Who will know? (The neighbors are getting a little suspicious.)
I think it is time. (Just don’t tell the neighbors.)

The Druggist

From Lis:


Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone".

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up."

"I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket."

"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook".

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. All the while, the phone was still ringing."

"When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

I'm Back

I’m finally beginning to feel better and will probably return to work on Tuesday. I know I have a couple of emails to answer, but it’s been a long day and I’m wiped out. I’ll answer y’all tomorrow. Got out today – went to Bebo’s and watched the Dallas Cowboys go 4 – 0 in a victory over St. Louis (yahoo!). The team is looking pretty good, especially our quarterback Tony Romo.

I know this is a short post, but I’m really tired. I hope you have a good week and I’ll talk to ya on Wednesday.

No Spam

I have walking pneumonia, so no spam today. Instead, here's a "little" joke Lis sent me. Y'all have a good weekend.

I rear ended a car this morning.....
I could tell, it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started...

Wednesday Wit

Some more from Susan.




A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your Child. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM." Signed, "The Blonde." She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."


Three mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then a grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out: "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are." "There ain't no way you can guess it you old fools," he retorted. "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but curious, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up: "You're 84 years old!"
"How in the world did you guess?" asked the amazed man.
The old grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "because we were at your birthday party yesterday."



Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Another Monday

Since Bebo spent Sunday with her family, there was no movie watched. Instead I watched the Cowboys beat the Miami Dolphins. They kind of had me worried there in the first half, but then came alive in the second half. And our defense – intercepting the Dolphins Trent Green 4 times! We’re now 2 – 0, our best start of the season for a long time. I don’t know how many of these close games in the first two quarters that I can take. I like it a lot better when we’re blowing out the score and I don’t have to fret so much – I can enjoy the game.

And tonight is the Emmy Awards – I love award shows, so I’ll be right there in front of the tube for a night of stunning dresses and long-winded acceptance speeches. Oh, and my weight loss total is up to 28 lbs. so far.

Moby Spam

Something smells fishy. (I think it’s you.)
This is not for idiots. (You think it takes a Ph.D. to write spam? And what college does spam go to?)
Why your last diet failed. (Could have been the Twinkies.)
Save money on unwanted auto repairs. (Aren’t all repairs unwanted?)
Be our guest! You have been invited to stay with us for free. (No, no – to stay with you, I’d have to be paid.)
Cialis is the gift sent from above. (God provides Cialis?)
This is too crazy. (Now you’re using your brain.)
Thought this might help. (Using your brain was short-lived.)
Nefarious cowboy. (But my heroes have always been cowboys.)

Nothing Funny

Wednesday is supposed to be joke day, but as I’m writing this on Tuesday, September 11 I find it hard to be funny. I’m watching “United 93” as I’m typing this. I can still remember the horror I felt that day, and the days afterwards. So for today, I wish you a good Wednesday, a safe one for you and those you love.

Monday ... Again?

Oh Lawdy, it’s Monday again. Let’s see, this weekend’s movie was “Love Actually”, a movie that Bebo had seen but I hadn’t. Good movie. I hadn’t noticed before just how loverly Colin Firth is. I’ll have to catch some more of his movies. And the little boy who played Liam’s son is a cutie. Ahhhh, young love. Got me to thinking about my first crush – Chet – in the third grade. I don’t know what happened to him, but I’ll always remember him as the first guy to break my heart. How about you? Who was your first crush and do you still keep in contact with them (I do keep in contact with my second crush – Ben).

And yes folks, its NFL season. Cowboys play the New York Giants tonight, so we’ll see if this year is “the year” for the ‘boys. Other teams have had a look at Romo now – unlike when he took over the quarterback position last year – so it’s a whole new ball game this season.

Wruthering Spam

Since I've been asked - the avatar - the bikini is because it's hot, the snow because I wish it weren't. Now on to spam.

Hello! We met at that hotel in Hawaii. (What did you dream the next night?)
Meet me tonight? (Um, no.)
Here or no where else. (Well I guess it’s no where else.)
Tuesday trade notice. (What are you going to trade it with … Thursday?)
Can never tell the difference. (You’re right about that – Thursday, Tuesday – all the same to me.)
But perhaps Miss Wickersham has already explained the circumstances. (Miss Wickersham? Spam got old lady librarians?)
It amazes us. (You’re amazed? I’m flabbergasted.)
As long as I live. (How long does spam live?)
No time left. (On your life or for spamarama? Hey, get back here and answer me.)

If It's Wednesday, it must be ...

Joke day - more from Susan.


At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."


An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why --it was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story: If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable!


One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends

Some Days Make no Sense

Ackkkk, here’s the blog post where I have to talk about myself. I hate Mondays because of this. I can never think of anything to say. Wait, I’ve lost 22 lbs. so far – that’s good, right? Bebo and I watched “Vacancy” Sunday. Scary stuff with plenty of jumps and chilly moments. We will never, ever stay at one of those isolated roadside motels again. Not that we’re planning on taking any trips off interstate and into the backwoods. But just in case …

Today, in the U.S., is Labor Day. I think it’s a day to celebrate the working class by giving them a day off. But now it’s evolved into a day of shopping, barbeques, and lake-side shenanigans. Shopping of course means that somebody has to labor, so it’s not Labor Day for everyone. Got it? We used to have a big family get together on Labor Day, but since Mom’s death, well actually since Dad’s death, we haven’t had a lot of get-togethers. Bebo will be spending the day with her parents and I’ll be sitting around twiddling my thumbs. Or sleeping. My guess is sleeping. I hope those of you who celebrate this day have a good one – well, hell, everyone have a good one whether you celebrate Labor Day or not.

See why I hate Mondays?